


The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

by SomethinglikeGoodnight



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Friendship, Funny, Hate to Love, High School, Love/Hate, M/M, Multi, Musicals, Teenage Drama, older sisters best friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-03-27 16:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 115,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13885086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethinglikeGoodnight/pseuds/SomethinglikeGoodnight
Summary: Brendon Urie wasn't one for labels, but when he signed up for chorus and the musical and everything his high school had to offer that included sound; he was labeled gay.And there's nothing wrong with that.Besides the fact that he starts to live up to his label.With his sister's best friend.





	1. Monday

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever stop starting stories I'll never finish? Who knows!

“Hey bitch cmon, we’re going to be late!” My sister hollers from the bottom step, the shout accompanied by the stomp of her foot. 

“Jesus Christ I’m coming!” I scream back, throwing a shirt over my head and dragging a towel through my hair before snatching my backpack over the knob on my bedroom door and stumbling down the stairs. 

“Finally.” She scoffs, flipping brown hair over her shoulder and tapping her foot. 

“Oh my gosh Kara take a chill pill it’s only  7.” 

“Oh my god Brendon,” she mimics my voice “it’s a twenty minute drive to school.” 

I toll my eyes with a huff, darting into the kitchen to grab a banana muffin and a tiny bottle of juice before chasing Kara out the door like a puppy.

”If you don’t want to take the bus from now on you need to learn how to wake up at a reasonable time.” 

“I figured 6:30 was good enough.” 

She gives me an incredulous look “that’s when my bus came last year.” 

“Yeah but you could drive for most of last year anyway.” I say pointedly and she shrugs 

“you’re lucky you’re getting a ride your freshman year many people don’t.” She argues and I shut up about it this time. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem.” She says slightly sarcastically. 

“I mean it, thanks Kara.” I say “No one else will ever give me a ride again so I appreciate it.” 

“That’s so not true.” She says as she starts the car, the engine growling and coughing until it’s fit enough to pull out of the garage and onto the dew crusted streets. 

“Yeah it is, I barely know any upperclassmen besides the ones you talk  about.” 

“You know some of them, I have people over all the time.” 

“Yeah well...” I trial off, slumping in the car seat as she fixes her hair in the mirror.

“You know a lot of people by face.” She counters, giving my sulking face a quick glance in the mirror. “You know Ryan.” 

“Yeah like Ryan would ever talk to me.” I say with a roll of my eyes.

”He likes you Brendon, he says so everytime he comes over.” 

“Like he even notices me.” 

“Yes he does, you’re so dramatic. He says he likes the music you’re playing, that he would want to be friends.” 

I scoff “yeah probably after you two are done making out.” 

She fake gags “as if. Ryan’s a friend.” 

“Mhmm.” I mumble in a way that sounds unconvincing and she turns down the music that had started playing a while ago. 

“Ryan and I have been friends for the past five years and you know that. It’s nothing more. Sure I’ve fallen for him a few times but that’s just what comes with being best friends with a guy. You get close with them and then you start to fall for them. But I’m standing two feet on the ground right now so don’t get any ideas.” 

I look at her for a minute, the way her lips purse when they’re not being used, her eyes squinted slightly as she drives with patience and skill. Ryan fucking Ross has been over to our house more times than I can count, has walked past my rooms more days than there are in a year, and has tried to have a conversation with me a handful of times. 

So that's how it's been so far. 

“Ok ok, I get it.” I say eventually.

She nods and continues to drive "So are you going to sign up for any clubs?" I shrug. It's only the second week of school, and it's already been as hectic as a mall on black Friday. People are everywhere, it's too crowded, fights are always around the corner, and at the end of the day you're left exhausted and unsatisfied. 

"Maybe. I was going to try out for the concert choir and maybe do the musical."

She smiles "Of course they do, you should." 

"How would I know when it is?" 

"They will most likely say it over the announcements." she informs me, taking sharp turns left and right until we are at the Dunkin Donuts next to the school.

"I thought you said we'd be late." I give her an annoyed look and she shrugs. 

"I'll drop you off at the gym entrance since your homeroom's right next to it. I'll go park they won't care if I come in late." She explains and I roll my eyes. 

Upperclassmen. 

All you have to say is that there was terrible traffic, or an accident. Even parking trouble will excuse you from being a few minutes late if you word it right. I've seen it more times than I expected to the first week of school, people are still in summer mode. 

"Fine whatever." I mumble as she orders two medium iced coffees. 

"Here asshole." She hands me the freezing drink that I gladly accept, and two minutes later I'm being dropped off like a toddler at Palo Verde high school. I enter through the heavy double doors and try and look as nonchalant as I can speed walking to my homeroom. My teacher, as I've learned, is a senior history teacher and is one of the least compassionate, cranky people I have ever met. 

Good thing I stumble through the door thirty seconds before the bell rings. 

One of the most bat shit crazy, annoying unfair things about Palo Verde is that all the clocks in the building are two minutes late. So If the rest of the town says it's 7:28 inside the school it's already 7:30, which means you're late. 

Complete and utter bullshit. 

I slump in my desk and put my head in my hands as I sip my drink, staring at the grainy beige desktop. 

Kara says highschool goes by fast, too fast she insists. 

I don't think it could go by fast enough. 

I cram my earbuds into my ears and hit shuffle, Arcade fire suddenly blasting through and I flinch slightly because it's too loud. The lead singer's voice is crackling, unable to battle the electronic beat and I rush to turn it down before my earbuds shock me because yeah, they've done that. 

A loud beep not coming from my phone goes off, and I lift my head to see the TV in the corner of the room turn on. 

"Good morning Palo Verde! Here are your morning announcements." A girl with curly brown hair and a huge smile exclaims, the smile faltering as the camera crew struggles to pan to the next announcer. 

"Anyone interested in Cross Country this fall should go see...." A boy starts and I look back at my phone, texting my friends to see which day of the cycle it is because I need to know whether I have study hall or a study session. Once I try out for Concert Choir and make it, I'll be able to transfer in from my study hall but for now my second period is literally just time to throw away. 

"Palo Verde's highschool will be hosting auditions for this year's musical on Wednesday in Mr Leed's room, break a leg!" My face flies up and I see the girl and guy look at each other with fake smiles before saying "Have a great day Verde!" 

I tilt my head and stare at the blank TV until the bell rings again and everyone is ushered out of the room like lazy cattle. 

As soon as I exit the room the stream of people in the hallway start to lead me the way I want to go which is upstairs. A girl with crutches wobbles to the elevator and a freshman maybe half the size of me trips, and gets shoved into a locker. 

"Haha loser." someone mutters and I stifle a smile in fear of getting totally murked by an upperclassmen. 

I'm only a freshman after all. 

A 5'7 scrawny little piece of meat with glasses that I never wear in public and “too long for a boy” black hair. 

One of Kara's favorite insults is "Doe eyed baby child,” which really isn’t that much of an insult yet it still makes me feel young and dumb. I know I have huge almost black eyes like a puppy and I know I give the impression of being an innocent young child because of that.

But that’s simply not the case.  

I keep my head down walking through the junior hallway, knowing Kara is on her way to calculus and she has no mercy for teasing me in front of the whole school. 

Sooner than later I hear it “Brenny boy! Bubba!” She calls and I reluctantly turn to face her.

“Kara...” I whine desperately, watching as she smiles evilly and flips her long brown hair.

“Sorry, I had to.” She giggles, fixing her backpack and then leaning forward to brush my hair out of my face.

”you look so much cuter like this.” She comments, backing up and looking satisfied. 

"Wow. Thanks." I grumble, looking up at her with a sour expression.

"It's alright Bren no one cares what you look like until next year. That's when everyone glows up and-" 

"-She's lying, I still haven't glown up." A voice behind Kara chuckles and all the sudden I’m being faced with Ryan fucking Ross, who’s grinning as he puts an arm around my sister. 

“Oh now you’re the liar.” She counters, wiggling out of his grip and I groan.

“Can I just go to class?”

Kara gives me a weird look, eyes flickering over my face before she nods “yeah sure, I’ll...see you later.” Her voice is quieter and almost apologetic. 

“Yep.” I mumble, turning and walking down the hall. 

“What’s up his ass?” I hear Ryan mutter and I turn quickly, giving him a look that could kill. 

“Shut up Ross.” I spit and he smirks.

”Or what, Bubba?” He shoots back, looking almost annoyed at the fact I referred to him by his last name and my mouth falls open. 

“You shut your mouth Ryan-“ I start and he just smiles. I finally did what he wanted thank god.

“Calm down.” Kara interjects. “Ryan, let him go to class for God’s sake.” 

“I was only teasing,” he whines, not even looking at me with his fucking golden whiskey eyes and raspy low voice. “Not my fault he got all twisted.” 

I roll my eyes and cross my arms. 

“Ok whatever. See you later Bren.”

”Mhmm.” 

“Yeah, see you later!” Ryan calls sarcastically and I scowl, trudging to Bio. 

“Fucking Ryan Ross,” I whisper under my breath, looking at all the tall juniors and seniors around me “perfect fucking hair and eyes and body and-“ 

What. 

No. 

No I don’t think he’s attractive. He’s my older sisters best friend, I’ve known him for years, literal years he’s watched me grow up and I’ve watched him as well...

I halt suddenly, face heating up and I duck into my class, slapping my cheeks and shaking my head. 

“Get ahold of yourself.” I spit, walking to my seat with a frown. 

"What's wrong?" A voice behind me that I recognize as my friend Patrick asks and I groan in response, slowly turning in my seat and placing my head on his desk.

 "I don't know." I mumble into the cold surface and he plays with my hair. 

"You seem irritated." 

"That's a good word to describe it." I say bitterly and he laughs. 

"Did Kara do something?" He asks and I shake my head, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. 

"No no it was...Ryan, Ryan Ross?" I look at him for conformation and he nods. 

"Yes I'm aware of who that is." He says jokingly and I roll my eyes. 

"He's such an asshole. Like, he thinks he's my friend or something just because he's close with Kara. I mean it's been what, five years? Yeah five and they've been best friends since but that doesn't mean he's  _my_ friend you know?" I rush out and Patrick just stares at me. 

"Hold on," he tilts his head."You're complaining because Ryan Ross wants to be  _your_ friend? You know how many people would die for that?" 

"Oh please," I shake my head "I doubt it. Just because he's attractive and talented doesn't mean-" 

"Attractive?" Patrick makes a face and I feel my cheeks reheat. 

"No! I didn't mean it like that! I just meant...like, the girls all think he's hot." I exclaim and Patrick nods. 

"Well yeah he's not horrible."

"Mhmm." I slump in my seat again. "It's just obnoxious. He thinks he has the right to be all buddy buddy and call me nicknames and shove his way into my life." 

"Now I doubt that," Patrick sighs "he's probably just trying to be friendly. You're gonna be seeing more of him these next two years ya know?" He explains and I realize that he's right. 

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw." I groan, rubbing my face "I can't deal with that....oh my god wait...Kara drives him home! Oh my god I'm going to kill myself!" I yell and a few kids turn around to look at me. 

"sorry," Patrick mutters in their direction. "Look it's not that bad, you have earbuds, Kara will want to talk to him, just sit in the back and disappear. Or you could take the bus?" he raises an eyebrow and I shake my head. 

"He'll know it did it on purpose just cause he's gonna be there. Trust me, he's smart like that and he'll use it against me." 

"Oh my lord Brendon," Patrick sighs, laughing slightly "It's not that big of a deal. You're acting like you have a crush on him or something." He chuckles and my eyes grow wide, face blushing. 

"I..." I look around the room "I do not have a  _crush_ on him." 

"I wasn't saying that you did, geez." Patrick laughs. "Look dude, its fine you just have to chill out about this." 

"Chill out." I mimic his voice "I can't  _stand_ him. He's terrifying-" 

"-Hold on hold on," Patrick holds a hand up to my face. "Which one is it? Do you hate him and every fiber of his being, or are you intimidated by him?" 

I open my mouth but no words come out. Intimidated? Me? Am  _I_ intimidated by  _Ryan_? 

"No, of course not." I spit "He's just confusing the shit out of me." 

"Then why is it such a big deal. Just take a step back and let things play out. Patience." 

I sigh angrily and slump in my seat "I'll try, I doubt it'll work." 

"Maybe you'll be surprised." Patrick suggests to which I respond with a sulking face and I turn around and face the teacher who's just walked in the room. 

 

Surprisingly, the rest of the day went by fine, and it felt like the past few hours had sped past when I was walking up to my dark green locker in an almost empty hallway and trying to unlock it with struggling fingers. 

"Twist and  _then_ pull." A voice says from my left, and I turn quickly to see Ryan sauntering up to my locker and leaning against the one next to it. 

"Buzz off." I mutter, trying once again and this time it opens, giving the opportunity to throw my algebra textbook inside and grab my windbreaker. 

"Kara had to get something from the band room, she sent me to get you." he says, voice quieter than normal.

_Why though. Why the fuck would she send you to come get me I have a cell phone._

"Ok." 

I turn to leave, slinging my bag over my shoulder,  _remember what Patrick told you. Just calm down. This isn't a big deal it's just fucking Ryan you've known him for years I don't understand why all the sudden you're-_

"Is something wrong?" Ryan cuts off my thoughts and my pace as I try and walk away from him. 

"Don't touch me." I whisper, suddenly aware that his hand is wrapped around my arm. 

"You seem so uptight." He says, letting go of my arms but now standing in front of me. 

"I'm fine." I mutter and he sighs. I can hear him above me. It's low and long and disappointed. 

"Then why won't you look at me?" This catches my attention and I look up immediately, met with his eyes. 

His fucking eyes. 

The connection is lost as soon as it's happened and I'm staring at the ground again. 

"...Just...stressed." I bring myself to say and I feel his body language shift above me but my eyes can't see what it's indicating. 

"Ok. Let's go find your sister." He says in a lighter tone, as if i had just finished crying or something and I nod, following him through the hallways like a puppy and I feel someone yank my arm back. 

"What the hell-" 

"-Brendon!" Patrick laughs, popping up from behind me with a smile and I roll my eyes. 

"You almost scared the shit out of me!" I exclaim and I hear Ryan chuckle. 

"I think I already did." Patrick laughs and looks at me, then Ryan, then back to me with a cringe. 

"What?" I snap at him and he makes a face that tells me he's trying not to laugh before he looks at Ryan again. 

"I'll see you tomorrow Bren, later Ryan." 

"Yep." Ryan smiles, too fucking charming for my liking and Patrick walks off, giving me a quick thumbs up when Ryan turns his back. 

"What was that all about?" He asks as he’s steering me in the right direction by the shoulders as I try to walk the wrong way. I blush furiously and turn to the right with him 

"He's just annoying." I try and blow off the situation. 

"Ahh...friends teasing you alot?" He asks, sounding genuinely interested. 

I shake my head "Not usually." 

"Mm." he makes a noise of acknowledgement and I nod in solidification. 

"Yeah they're usually fine with me and stuff. Alot to make fun of but they control themselves." 

Ryan snorts "Yeah sure." 

My cheeks heat up and I resist the urge to slap either myself or him in the face. "What?"

"Just thought it was funny." he says 

"What was funny?" 

"You saying there's alot to make fun of." 

"Oh." I don't realize that the grip on my backpack strap has increased tighter and tighter ad I let it go slightly. 

"I think t's funny because you're only a little bit wrong." 

"Huh?" I look up at him and he laughs. 

"You aren't  _that_ bad." he explains and I make a face. 

"Wow. thanks." 

"No I mean," he bumps me with his body and the heat doesn't cease. "I don't see how people would have alot to make fun of you for." 

I want to bring up the fact that I'm 5'7 with "too long for a boy" hair and ugly glasses I never wear out of my house. 

“I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.” 

“Ok.” He murmurs, giving up and I kind of wish he didn’t. 

Yeah, I wish he didn’t just give up like that. 

We make it to the music hall and Kara skips towards us. “Sorry Bren just looking for something.” 

“It’s no problem.” I say and she nods with a smile. 

“Alright let’s go.” She motions for Ryan and I to follow her out into her old beat up “mom car” and I climb in the back seat for obvious reasons, trying to slip away and out of the spotlight for at least a minute. 

The drive goes by smoothly, me sitting in the back texting Pete and Patrick in our friendly groupchat and Kara complaining to Ryan about a teacher they share. 

“Oh Brendon,” Kara says, glancing at me in the mirror. “Did you hear the announcements this morning?” 

“Mhmm.” 

“They talked about auditions, I told you they would.” 

“Yeah.” I mumble. 

“For what?” I hear Ryan ask her quietly.

”Brendon wants to do something with music this year. He was thinking about trying out for the choir and musical.” She informs him and Ryan turns around in the passenger seat to face me. I look up from my phone trying to look as uninterested as I can staring at the face of god. 

“You should do both! It’s so much fun. The group of kids is so nice and you’ll make friends for life, it’s an essential.” He talks quickly and rushed, it’s obvious he’s excited about it. I almost forget that he’s been a complete star child since I met him, and that theater geek is one of the ways people describe him. Holy shit I can’t believe I forgot that. 

“You did one show with Ryan back in middle school remember?” Kara laughs “When you were twelve” 

“oh god,” I groan “don’t talk about sixth grade.” 

Ryan laughs “The old productions weren’t that bad.” He makes a mock sad face. 

“Yeah well you got leads in practically every show so I wouldn’t expect you to complain.” I snap and he shrugs. 

“I can sing. Not one for dancing, but I can sing and that’s really all they need from a guy.” 

“Bren you should, your voice is incredible.” Kara interrupts and I shake my head. 

“No. I’ll sign up for the ensemble or something.” I say quickly and Ryan frowns for real this time. 

“You should at least try. Who knows, you might get a good part.” 

“Eh.” I shrug and look down at my phone. 

“If you have a good voice, which I think you do, you should try out.” Ryan says firmly. 

“How would you even know?” I laugh, looking up at him. 

Fucking hell he’s gorgeous. 

Not that I’m attracted to him, no that’s not the case. It’s just that he’s literally perfect. Curly long brown hair, thin and structured face shape, pinched nose and I look up a little bit. 

His fucking eyes oh my god. 

They're like a cup of warm honey tea, sloshing around in the slits of his face that light up when he smiles. 

“You don’t shut your bedroom door when I come over,” He says simply, making eye contact I’m scared to break. “I can hear you singing along to your records.” 

Fuck. 

“Oof that must be a major ear rape.” I chuckle, looking over at Kara who makes an unamused expression. 

“You’re a good singer Bren.” She says and Ryan nods, my attention directed back to him. 

“Really good, better than most of the guys in choir that I know. You should do it, we might get parts together.” 

Like I want to have a part with him. 

I wouldn’t be able to breathe oh my god holy shit. 

“I’ll think about it.” I say finally, trying to get off the topic and he grins. 

“I hope you do.” 

Fuck. 

 

 


	2. Tuesday

I think about it. 

I think about it a lot. 

I think about choir auditions this morning and I think about musical auditions tomorrow and I think about the fact that Ryan is across the hall talking to some blonde kid at his locker. 

It's Tuesday, Tuesday morning more specifically and I'm losing my mind. 

Im supposed to be auditioning in the next five minutes but I feel like throwing up, and even though it won’t be that hard to get in I’m still nervous. 

What if the choir director is an asshat? 

What if they make me sing something I don’t know? 

What if they make me audition in front of people? 

Oh my fucking god what if I’m a tenor? I’ll be put with Ryan fuck this. I don’t even know why I’m worried about this. 

I shouldn’t be so worried about this yet I am. 

it's stupid, really. I don't understand why I'm losing sleep over something so simple. This should be simple and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill by being this way and it's only stressing me out more. It's these...feelings. I can't control them, yet I try very hard to. I can’t just stop thinking about it, it'll hurt. It's almost as if I'm screwed either way. I don't even know what this means.

I can't even look at him, I refuse to. My heart goes into sporadic palpitations even knowing he's coming near, so what makes me think I can strike up a conversation with him. He's just the most incredible, gorgeous, talented, and more frightening than anyone I've ever come in contact with before. 

And I don't know how to cope with it. 

It's like being star stuck 24/7, and it fucking sucks. The anxiety I live through just going to school is enough for a group of sixth graders, and I don't know whether I should do something about it, or completely muzzle it altogether. 

I'm not gay, I can't be. My ex girlfriend is a sophmore here, I loved her. 

I don't love men, I've never loved a guy. 

So I don't know what makes him so special. 

I lean my forehead against the choir room door and exhale softly, closing my eyes and tuning out the raspy voice across the hall. It's dragged, almost like an accent of some sort and there's something so...unique about it that I can't even explain. He drags out the last syllable of every word in a high tone that contradicts the soft raspiness of the way he talks and I’m confusing myself even trying to describe it. 

Let’s start again. His voice is boyish and raspy, yet soft and high almost like he’s laughing with every word he says. There’s an accent, I don’t know what kind but it’s there and I’m being completely honest when I say I could listen to him read the fucking phone book. 

Holy shit I’m going crazy. 

I’m going absolutely crazy over this guy. 

It’s just a person, he’s just a person that I’ve known for years and now all the sudden I cant breathe when I look at him and the thought of being alone in the same room makes me nauseous.  

The more I think about it, it sound so much like a crush. 

But it’s not a crush. 

It can’t be.

“Urie!” I hear someone yell and the door opens and I’m pushed back, stumbling out of the way and a man pops his head out from the room. 

Holy shit.

its the chorus teacher from my old middle school. 

“Mr Leeds?” I gape, staring at him and he smiles. 

“Hi Brendon, nice to see you again.” He says and opens the door more. I smile back and glance into the hallway, making the briefest eye contact with Ryan and he shoots me a thumbs up as I go bright red. 

“I didn’t know you worked here now.” I say as I walk in the door. “I thought you were just doing the musical.” 

“‘Got offered a job and I was sick of the young ones.” He laughs, sitting at his piano I remember so well. He was my chorus teacher for my three years at middle school. An openly gay, extremely talented guy that always inspired us to do our best. Mostly to please him, but we were always eager to because he spent so much of his time being so dedicated to our success and how the public viewed us. Even though it wasn't long ago, I remember how in sixth grade Ryan was his favorite student, and gave him a lead solo at the spring concert when he sang Valjean's soliloquy from Les Mis. That was three years ago holy hell how did we get here?

“I’m glad you’re here.” I admit, relief apparent in my tone. It's nice to have at least  _one_ familiar face in such a new environment. 

“I am too. Wanna use the national anthem or something else?” He raises an eyebrow and I shrug. 

“Can I just sing a random song I can't get out of my head?" I ask with a slight laugh and he nods. It's always been this way. the default is the national anthem but he knows I can sing, so it's just a matter of principle at this point. 

"Of course, whatever you're most comfortable with."

"Ok," I take a deep breath and stand straight. "Time, is never time at all, you can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of you." I sing, high and soft on purpose. 

I glance nervously up at the man sitting across from me, seeing him smile warmly and I tap my foot, taking another breath. 

"And our lives are forever changed, you will never be the same, the more you change the less you feel. Believe, believe in me, believe..." I drag out the word, the vibrato of my voice shaking in a unique way I've been complemented on before. 

"Thank you Brendon." Mr Leeds says, writing something down quickly and standing up. "I'm glad you decided to try out." 

"Thank you, no problem." I say with a sheepish smile, taking a deep breath as I push open the door and walk into the hallway, pushing hair out of my face and smiling to myself. 

I did a good job. 

I did well. 

At least I think I did. 

I grab my backpack from the wall and pull it over my shoulders, turning to the auditorium doors exit and a hand on my shoulder stops me, spinning me around. 

“How’d it go?” Ryan asks with a grin, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans and I shrug. 

"Okay, I think." 

Ryan gives me an odd look, tilting his head like a puppy and I suck in a breath. 

Look at the floor. 

Don't look at him idiot. 

"You think?" he asks and I nod. 

"That's what I said." 

He rolls his eyes and takes a small step back, pigeon toeing his feet and balancing them sideways. He's almost bouncing, the way he's standing like that and it's odd. The sides of his feet are turned, flat on the ground while his soles are out to the side and I figure it takes some balancing. 

"I'ts my turn after my friend Sisky. He's in the bathroom trying to spray his mouth with Sambucus."  he chuckles, glancing at the wooden door behind him. 

"Ew what the hell?" I gag. Sambucus is some disgusting berry spray people use to coat their mouths when they have strep but I know some people that use it before performances. 

"Yeah I told him just to go without it, Dennis knows he can sing." 

"Mr Leeds." I cough, and Ryan shoves my shoulder. 

"Oh call him Dennis," he laughs "maybe you two will get close." he wiggles his eyebrows and I snort, making a mortified face. 

"Gross, not my teacher." I gag again and Ryan raises an eyebrow. 

Fuck he's handsome. 

"You don't care if he's a man? Just that he's a teacher...?" 

Fuck look at his mouth the way he smirks and the right side pulls up like that-

I look up from his lips and flush red. "Um, c-come again?" I mumble, Ryan looking at me strangely before waving a hand. 

"Nevermind." 

"Uh, o-" 

"I'm ready!" The door behind Ryan bursts open and a boy with sandy blonde hair stumbles out, clutching a green bottle. 

"Jesus Christ man took you long enough." he laughs and fucking fuck his fucking laugh oh my god. 

"Just tryin' to oil ma pipes." The boy says in a sing song voice, walking to the door. 

"Good luck." Ryan claps him on the back and he turns to me. 

"I don't need luck, I just need to pull myself together for a verse and a chorus." he winks and me and I make a weird face, causing Ryan to laugh. 

"Ok, sure." he waves him off and his ~~best friend~~ side kick as I'm guessing walks into the choir room with a sly smile. 

"He's nice." I comment, watching the door swing behind him. 

"Yeah he is. We've been best friends for so fuckin long man." he stares at the closed door longingly. 

"That's really cool. He's lucky to have someone like you." I say quietly, not really registering it until Ryan turns to me quickly. 

"Lucky? To have me?" he chuckles, "Not really." 

"Yeah really." I argue 

"No, I'm a fake bitch." he runs a hand through his hair, tangling some of the brown curls and I frown. 

"That doesn't make you a bad person." 

"Only partially." 

"I suppose so." I sigh, and he tilts his head to the side. 

"Don't be sad pup, you'll find a lot of people in this school are fake at first glance." 

Did he just-

Did he just call me  _pup?_

Before I shoot a load all over the hallway floor I nod with a forced laugh. "I guess so. Well, I'll see you later." I say softly and turn to the other side of the hallway, wanting to go past the library and see if Patrick is there before I leave. 

"Alright, catch ya later." He smiles and I nod before turning and walking up the hall, subconsciously reaching for my wrist to feel my heartbeat. 

Record breaking pulse caused by Ryan Ross yet again. 

I wipe my forehead with a heavy sigh, making my way around the corner and leaning against the wall for support.

I cant even breathe.

What is this? I’m starting to get freaked out honestly. What is it about him that literally controls my mind and body without being able to control it. See him, can’t breathe. Talk to him, feels nauseous. Touched by him, internally com busts. I honestly don't think he's ever touched me since this year. In the literal five years I've known him we've never high fived, I don't even think I've come close to even bumping him with my side. 

A few moments go by and I can finally see two feet in front of me, I hear the door open and Sisky hoots and hollers something unintelligible and Ryan laughs. Sisky hollers a “bye” and I hear the choir room door open once again.

Ryan is going in.

I wait for the sound of the auditorium doors to open before I creep back around the hall,  slowly and sneakily making my way back to the choir room. I hear shuffling, and muffled talking and as I get closer and closer I decide to press my ear against the door.

“I’m glad. How are things going with the whole boy scene?” Mr Leeds asks, or at least that’s what I think he says. 

“Uh...ok. Dismal, but at least everyone is chill with it by now.” 

“Well that’s good Ryan. I’m proud of you.” I hear him say softly and I scrunch up my face. 

What are they talking about? 

Boy scene? 

Chilll with it? 

I chew on my lip and hear the piano start, the familiar noise comforting in a way because even though there’s millions of pianos, Mr Leed’s piano is a sound you can never forget if you’ve had the privilege to be conducted by him. 

What he’s playing sounds familiar, but it’s not from a show or musical like I’d assume Ryan would try out with. 

It’s...Radiohead. 

Its fucking Radiohead. 

“...Karma police, arrest this man he talks in math, and buzzes like a fridge he’s like a detuned radio...” Ryan sings, or more like coos from the back of his throat. I’m glued to the door, practically, and the song plus his almost pained voice has me unable to move. It’s such a pretty melody, and such a pretty voice I don’t believe that I had even come close to remembering how good he was at all this. 

Playing with my heart. 

I stifle my breathing to hear him better and the music gets louder in a crescendo. 

“This is what you get...this is what you get when you mess with us...” the tune drops, and it’s just Ryan now, and his voice isn’t shaky by accident it’s just the way he wants to convey the song and I applaud him for it. My ear is getting cold but frankly I don’t give a shit and sooner or later my ears are blessed by a simple sentence.

”Well I’m afraid that I...I lost myself, I lost myself.” He belts and I almost fall on the ground, legs shaking and I try to stop them but they don’t. I think I may just have a seizure. 

The piano halts, suddenly, and they’re talking again and I grab my backpack and scramble away from the door, clutching the straps like the strings holding up my heart and if Ryan sees me they'll snap right in half.

My feet carry me back around the corner, and I’m out of sight and out of breath once again. I hear Ryan chuckle a “see you tomorrow.” And the clink of his bag’s pins getting picked up off the floor.

I run. 

I sprint up the English hall and make a sharp right to the staircase that winds around to the top floor. The door slams behind me and I laugh, leaning against the wall length window and just chuckle breathlessly to myself. 

This is ridiculous. 

Absolutely ridiculous. 

I’m going crazy, full on insane and it would actually be quite hilarious if I wasn’t the one having panic attacks everyday.

“What, the, fuck.” I pant, slowly sliding down the glass until I’m sitting on the floor and stretching out my feet to the handrail. 

I close my eyes and replay the whole situation in my head, almost terrified that it’ll never happen again, and all I’ll have is the memory of that song and him singing it and the way he was so confident and happy while belting the notes and I bet his eyes were sparkling like they do and that he was tapping his feet along while his hands were feeling around in the pockets of his jeans. He smiled at me before I left and fucking hell something is wrong with me I guarantee it. There has to be, I shouldn't be this invested in another human, I shouldn't-

-The door opens. 

My face snaps up and my eyes widen as a startled Ryan steps back and slams into the door. 

“What the fuck?!” He yelps, jumping back with a voice crack and I hold back a laugh. 

“Sorry.” 

“Jesus H Christ you scared me you asshole!” He gasps, a hand on his chest and closing his eyes and I watch his movements attentively. 

“Sorry.” 

“Stop saying that.” He snaps, looking me over and I scowl. “what are you doing here?” 

I stare him at him firmly, biting the inside of my cheek. “Just sitting. And you have crashed my party.” I retort, quoting the song he just sang two minutes ago and he doesn’t seem to catch my witty comment. 

He raises his eyebrows, making a face I don’t quite recognize. “Funny.” 

“What is?” 

“You.” 

I look at the floor and pinch my leg to distract from the blush creeping up my neck. “Gee thanks.”

”Where’s Kara?” He asks and I shrug. 

“I dunno.” 

“How are you getting home?” He asks and I freeze. 

Shit.

How _am_ I getting home? 

“Uh...I-“ 

“That’s what I thought. C’mon.” He says, stepping over me and climbing the stairs. I watch him curiously, and he turns and stares at me like I’m stupid. 

“I said c’mon idiot.” He repeats and my cheeks heat up. I still don’t know why he’s telling me to follow him but I do anyway. I wouldn’t want to disobey or else he might get mad at me and that’s the last thing I want. 

“Shut up.” 

“Make me.” 

I close my mouth and stand up, reluctantly following him up the stairs and to the locker bay by the science rooms. 

“I have to get something first.” He explains, going to a locker with sharpie scribbled all over it, covering up writing I assume. 

“Why is it like that?” I ask, touching the surface and he shrugs. 

“I-I don’t know.” He mumbles, opening it and sifting through papers and folders neatly stacked up the small space. There’s pictures on the inside, him and Kara, him and Sisky, and I smile at the old photos of him in middle school doing shows. 

“It it new?” I inquire and he nods, sighing. 

“Yeah, just graffiti.” He mutters, not paying attention to me or pretending not to I don’t know. 

“Is it mean? That’s why it’s scribbled out?” 

“Uh, not really. I mean, I don’t care.” 

“Does it have to do with the “boy scene” are guys being mean to you?” I ask, genuinely interested and his eyes widen, turning to me in a flash. 

“What did you just say?” He gasps, face turning white slowly and I take a step back, horrified. 

“The “boy scene”.” I say quietly, and he stares at me incredulously.

”Were you listening to my conversation?!” He exclaims, appalled and I shake my head, taking a step back. 

“No! No of course not! I just wanted to hear you sing...” I whisper, looking at my feet and he sighs. 

“Oh my fucking god.” He spits, not sounding too angry at me, just at the situation. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper, trying not to look at him but he curses quietly and looks away first. 

“Yeah.” He nods, looking at me briefly with a sigh. “Yeah, people were being mean to me.” He mumbles, going back to the locker with an unsatisfied frown.

Fuck I made him upset.

Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Why?” I ask “you’re like, perfect.”

Ryan laughs at that, which pleases me to know I can do that. “Remember when I said I was a fake bitch?” He asks and I nod. 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I’m fake for a lot of reasons, and one reason was something I was trying to hide and be fake about, and people started to see through it.” 

I tilt my head to the side like he does, “I don’t understand.” 

“You do.” He nods, “you do understand. You’re just not there yet.” 

I open my mouth to argue but he continues to talk. 

“-you’re being just as fake as I am and I think you know it too, but you don’t want to admit to anything yet. You’re just like me.” 

I frown at this, leaning against his neighbors locker and looking at the floor. 

“You keep pretending like you know me. You’re Kara’s best friend, remember?” I say rudely, and Ryan just sighs. 

“If you want me gone just say so, just ignore me.” He mumbles and I frown again, but for a different reason. 

“I’m sorry, that was rude. I just don’t understand why you’ve been so nice to me.” 

“Because I’ve been through the same things you are dealing with now, and I messed everything up. If I can stop you from making the same mistakes, I will.” 

I stare at him intently “just what are you implying?” 

“Nothing,” He mumbles, grabbing an orange folder out of the bottom of his locker and shoving it in his bag. “Forget I said anything.” 

"Uh...no." I argue, leaning into his space "What are you insinuating?" 

He steps back and sighs, not looking at me this time and I'm vaguely reminded of myself. 

How ironic. 

"Not a big deal Brendon. It'll come back into a conversation." He assures me and I scowl at him. 

"Fine, whatever." 

"Am I still driving you home or are you going to be pouting the whole time?' he raises an eyebrow and I roll my eyes. 

"Fine." 

"Good," he grins, shutting the locker and kicking it for good measure.

We make our way back down the stairs, me trailing behind him like a puppy. He doesn't look back to make sure I'm following, it's like he's confident that I'll always be right at his heels, which he'd be correct about. I'm just pissed that he knows it. I'm also pissed at how confusing he's been the past twenty minutes. Yesterday we were fighting, and now today we're...fighting? Fighting but much more friendly I suppose.

We walk through the English hall, where I’d been sprinting away from him earlier. Ryan looks over at me then looks away, and I retaliate by doing the same. 

“We taking your mom car?” I tease and he gives me a dirty look. 

“Of course.” 

I smile to myself and jog ahead, opening the doors to the left of the auditorium and hopping on the curb, walking with my hands outstretched for balance. Ryan chuckles behind me and I make my way over to his ugly dark blue SUV. 

“Let me unlock it first dumbass” He scolds me as I try and open the passenger seat. 

“Sorry fuck face.” I mutter and he looks over the roof at me with raised eyebrows.

”Wanna sit in the trunk?” He asks in a warning tone and I shake my head. 

 “Fine. Then just get in and shut up.“ He says roughly and opens the door so I do the same. As I sit in the rough leather seat Of his old car I'm immediately hit with the smell of both a little bit of dust and also the smell of the inside of the locker. Probably because it smells like a mixture of old gym bag school supplies and then a little bit of food scattered here and there. He turned on the ignition and the car roars to life, my seat shaking and I’m honestly a palled at the fact of getting in the car with a junior. My mom would kill me if it was anybody but Kara but she doesn’t need to know about this.

He hands me a phone and instructs me to turn on Spotify so I do so. There’s playlist after playlist of both show tunes, classic rock, and indie stuff that I’ve never even heard of so I choose a Broadway playlist just to humor his nerdy attitude. He smiles when a song comes on and I think it might be from Joseph and the amazing Technicolor dream coat, and as we get further in the song I realize it is from that show and that I was in that show seventh grade. 

“Way way back many centuries ago, not long after the Bible began.“ He sings quietly along with the song playing and I laugh at his dorkiness. 

“What are you laughing at?“ He smirks looking over at me and I shrug. 

“Nothing, nothing.“ I say in a singsong voice staring out the window looking at the sun starting to retreat behind the buildings that surround our small school.

“Just so you know,“ he starts, looking over at me and tapping the wheel as he pulls out of the parking lot, “ I was listening to you sing at the door as well.“ My mouth drops open in mortification and I watch as he smirks and still doesn’t look at me even though I’m trying to get his attention.

“RYAN!” I holler, punching his shoulder roughly and crossing my arms staring out the window with a pout as he chuckles. “I hate you.”

“Doubt that.” He says, oh so sure of himself and I scowl. At the same time the Spotify starts to fade in and out until it can’t even catch the Bluetooth signal to his car anymore and he’s the one pouting now. 

“It’s because your phone is an android.“ I say, looking over at him with a smug grin and he rolls his eyes. 

“it’s the same thing.“

“no it’s not.“ I retort in a bratty way, looking over at him for some sort of satisfaction in another argument. 

“It’s literally the same thing.” he repeats and I just rolled my eyes and shrugged. 

"Whatever you say.” I say in another singsong voice and I can feel him fuming beside me but I don’t comment on it. “That’s what you get for listening in on me.” I say, still pretty ticked off at him for doing that but I can’t yell at him anymore than I already have because were pulling into my neighborhood.

“Sorry, I won’t do it again. But for what it’s worth, you did a pretty bomb job. I’m proud of you.“ He says and I refuse to look at him. I refuse to that’s not going to end well for me. 

“Thanks.“ I respond, bland answer for a bland boy even though he is anything but. He pulls in my driveway and parks the car,  getting out and grabbing his bag to which I respond with a raised eyebrow and I get out as well, walking in front of him so that you can’t take another step.

“Where do you think you’re going?“ I asked with a raised eyebrow he shrugs, walking past me up to the front door.  

“Just going to go in and see Kara.” He replies, opening the door with the key I had no idea he had, and walks in, taking off his fucking yellow shoes as soon as he enters the mud room and I follow in suit with my backpack slung over my shoulder. 

He makes his way up the stairs and I follow, watching his movements and he’s almost a completely different person in my house. He gets to the top of the stairs, stomping on the landing the way he does and knocks on Kara’s door. 

“K?” He calls and she yells something from inside. 

“Why the hell are you here?” She pops her head out of the crack in her doorway and Ryan motions to me walking up the stairs.

“Someone left their family pet at school so I thought I should return it.” He smirks at me and I flip him off as I stomp into my room and slam the door, going straight to my record player, ready to blast Radiohead just to patronize him. 

Or better yet- 

I swing open my door, narrowly missing Ryan who’s still standing in the hall and I run downstairs, making an obnoxious amount of noise and I hear Kara ask “Is he mad at me?” 

No. Far from it, I think to myself as I slide through the hallway with socked feet on the hardwood and I fling myself into the living room where the piano is. I plop down and the minute I play an a minor the song just comes to me, and I start slamming on the keys nonstop making the familiar tune echo throughout the house. 

“YOU'RE SO FUCKING FUNNY!” I hear Ryan shout from upstairs and I smirk to myself before finishing the chorus. 

“THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, WHEN YOU FUCK WITH US!” I bellow, jumping up from the piano and running to the kicthen when I hear two pairs of feet thunder down the stairs. 

“Don’t hurt him Ryan!” Kara screams, and I can’t stop myself from laughing my ass off when Ryan runs into the kicthen and tries to catch me. 

“You’re dead!” He yells playfully and I raise an eyebrow, standing behind the island in the middle of the kitchen while he stares at me from across it. 

“WELL IM AFRIAD THAT I!” I belt and he scrunches up his face and runs around the side, making me react fast and run the opposite way. 

“Ryan I swear to god just leave it!” Kara shrieks, finally entering the room and staring at us like we’re children. We’re both out of breath yes, but neither of us want the other to win. 

“You scared Bubba?” He teases, giving me a look that makes me want to fucking demolish him and I crack my knuckles. 

“Not in the slightest.” 

“Ok enough.” Kara grabs my shoulders and yanks me back. 

“Ryan,” she looks at him. “Come here.” 

“Why?” He suddenly looks scared and I in return give her a panicked look. 

“What?” I look at her worriedly. 

“Ryan.” She motions for him to come forward. “C’mere.” 

He does, taking a small step towards her and refusing eye contact. 

“Closer.” She encourages him and he does, one more step and if he would just fucking look at me I could warn him not too.  

“Ok,” she grabs his arm while still having a death grip on mine “hug each other.” 

“What?!” I yelp, trying to yank away. “Fuck that!” 

“Just do it Brendon.” He sighs, voice gravely already from screaming and I roll my eyes to the ceiling. 

“Fine, whatever.” I look at the floor and Kara lets me go, pushing me into Ryan’s chest and my eyes widen immediately, feeling the scratchy material of his old cotton shirt and it smells so much like him. 

“Now hug,” Kara says like a total fucking bitch and I feel long lanky arms stretching around my sides. 

“C’mon Brendon.” Ryan fake whines and I scoff at him, putting my arms around his shoulders, literally hovering above his skin while his are around my waist, positioned at my lower back. I’m gonna die I’m actually going to die how is he so good at this? 

“Group hug!” Kara says sarcastically and I roll my eyes as she joins in, but the pressure from her body pushes my cheek onto Ryan’s chest and I’m 100% sure it’ll catch on fire if she doesn’t get off in the next three seconds.

The side of my face is against him, the warmth from his chest and skin radiating onto me and it’s just so cozy, just being tucked into him and I try not to let it show. Ryan is practically holding me up, while Kara is draped over the side of both of us, therefore squeezing us as tight as we can be. 

His chest vibrates against my skin and I hear Ryan laugh, burying his face in my shoulder. He’s so close to my neck, so fucking close to it that his hair tickles the skin and I choke down a whimper not exactly the best way I can. That encourages him further, now leaning his entire face on my neck and I try and push off with a whine.

“Just what you wanted the entire time.” He mutters and I feel my face flush for the hundredth time today.

“Fuck you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a rly good day today in case anyone cares


	3. Wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK WHAT HAPPENED TODAY I LITERALLY AM STILL SHOOK ITS INSANE I COULDNT EXHALE FOR A SOLID HOUR

It was an odd feeling throughout today, a mixture of loathing and excitement. Wednesday meant trying out for the musical as well as finding out if I made choir which was overall just a lot of stress to deal with. 

We were to find out if we made it at the end of the school day when Mr. Leeds put up the sheet and every second that went by seemed to drag on for years and years and years. 

Call me patient.  

But at the same time I'm dreading the end of the day because I know I'll have to audition and for god's sake we don't even know what the show is! 

I know for a fact that Ryan was told because he says it's one of his favorites and while I trust his taste I think it's unfair that he was told and not anyone else.  

So I sit, nervous and fidgeting in my seat staring at the clock that is just one minute away from ringing 2:15 and releasing us from this hell. 

"I want you all to finish the chart before Monday-" My English teacher Mr. Pence says, his voice rising to battle the bell as it echoes out of the speaker and everyone jumps up from their seats to leave. 

I grab my bag and almost run out of the room, remembering that I had to get my jacket out of my locker before going to the choir room. I set myself up for disappointment, knowing that when I get there Ryan will be with his friends and won't want to interact with me because duh, I'm a freshman and it's worse to be caught with a freshman than anything else in this school. 

No wonder he only talks to me when we're alone, or in a group. 

My locker is on the bottom floor below the history rooms, which means I have to go past the art hall and up a small stack of stairs to get to the band rooms and then the auditorium is to the left of that. 

My first day was complete chaos, but by this week I can navigate anywhere in the school and that's something I'm quite proud of. I was terrified, mostly because we only have about four minutes between classes and my high school looks like a fucking college so there's that.

I slide down the banister like a fucking god and stroll over to my locker, twisting and  _then_ pulling and I grab my black and white flannel off the hook and my thermos of coffee remnants from this morning. It was weak, Kara made it for me and she didn't put enough sugar nor ice in it so I was stuck with lukewarm bitter coffee this morning. Still, it was enough to get me here.

I walk around the corner, earbuds lodged into my head and I bob my head to Prey by the Neighborhood as I walk past the black and white portraits lining the art hall walls. They're good, really good and my thought of taking art as an elective next year diminish immediately. 

"Something is wrong..." I mumble to myself, trotting up the tiny set of stairs that lead to the music rooms. 

"As long as you know this..." I say under my breath, finding it hard not to sing along with, I can't be the person that sings in the hallway like a weirdo. 

The second I face the chorus door I can see a huge pile of people looking over each other's shoulders and heads, leaning to the left and right to try and read what it says and I back up, taking in a sharp breath and deciding just to hang back. It's mostly girls, some chatting excitedly and taking pictures of the list, while some wear bitter frowns and have crossed arms. One's crying on the floor, another blinks back tears. 

Holy shit. 

Tambourine starts in the song and I bob my head, smiling slightly because this is a bop and I wait for the line to dissipate and the groups of girls start to leave in small packs, one of them looking me up and down and I look her up and down as well. 

She's tall ish, dark hair and light eyes. she has a green backpack and is wearing a bright yellow sweatshirt with no art or text on it. Weird. She has an earbud in as well, and I wonder what she's listening to. Probably Miley Cyrus or some dumb shit like that. They walk past me, her arm around a tiny guy with glasses I observe as well. He's probably a tenor by the looks of him but I guess I'll find out. 

"-It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy!" she hollers, and I turn around quickly to see her jump down the stairs while bobbing her head. Lit, good music choice. 

I make my way over to the door, shut and for good reason. (Mr Leeds would get attacked.) I tilt my head and read down the names. 

_"Tenors: Ryan Ross...Jon Walker....Spencer Smith....Brent Wilson...Brend-"_

"You made it, not that I had a doubt." A voice behind me speaks up over the muted conversation and I spin around to see Ryan, smiling sheepishly. 

"Jesus..." I sigh, looking him up and down "You can't keep sneaking up on me like that." 

"Do I...scare you?" he asked teasingly, taking a step forward and I roll my eyes. 

"Of course not. You just startled me." 

"Mhmm," he hums, looking over my shoulder. "Tenor, very impressive." 

I roll my eyes one more time "Glad I can finally be a part of your cult." 

"How'd you know about that?" He fakes a panicked face and I laugh, watching him smile attentively. He's wearing something particularly... _him_ today. It's a multicolored over sized sweater with different patterns going in stripes and a pair of dark washed skinny jeans. he looks like he's being swallowed by it. his hair is fluffed up, and looks freshly washed and curly. 

"Wild guess." I sigh, staring at his face and he smiles crookedly. 

"What? Is there something on my face?" he asks in an amused way, which makes me turn bright red. 

"N-no I uh, just zoning out. Long day." I cough and he chuckles. 

"Alright." 

"So...another audition." I say quietly and he nods. 

"Yep." 

"What song are you using?" I ask, looking away and dropping my bag on the floor near the door. 

"Well I assume you'll just listen by the door again so I'll let you figure it out." He chuckles and I flush. 

"Fine, I won't this time..." I mutter and he frowns slightly. 

"I'm singing Nature Boy..." He says quietly, and my eyes flicker up to his face. 

"Bowie?" 

"Mhmm." he hugs himself and leans against the wall, looking around. 

"How about you?" 

“I...I don’t really know. It would help to know what the show is.”

“Sucks.” He responds, and when I frown he sighs “You wouldn’t know it anyway. It’s an odd one.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, watching him as he looks around again. It’s been almost emptied in the hall now, and we’re just waiting for the drama kids to show up.

He’ll leave me once they do.

“It’s a strange show, something I didn’t think he’d pick.” He says quietly and I raise an eyebrow.

“Is nature boy a song from the track?” 

Ryan shrugs “Maybe.” 

That means yes, I think to myself and I get out my phone to see where that song is used. 

“What are you doing?” He asks, looking over and I shrug. 

“Figuring out what the show is so I can decide ten minutes before my audition what I’m doing.” 

“You suck.” He huffs. 

“You swallow. It’s your fault for telling me what you’re singing.” I retort and _The_ Ryan Ross flushes red. 

“I...whatever.” He murmurs, and I smile to myself. 

“Moulin Rouge... What the fuck is that?” I turn to him and he smirks. 

“A really good show.” his eyes light up to accompany a wide grin and his excitement and prior knowledge to this musical is endlessly amusing and extremely adorable.

“Mmm.” I read the Wikipedia page and its sad to say I can't understand the first two sentences. I roll my eyes at him and he crossed his arms once more.

”I’m serious.” he pouts and I lean against the wall with him. 

“What do I try out with?” I breathe, looking across the hall and slamming my head back “I’ll just do a default Sinatra.” 

“...A what?” Ryan laughs, and I close my eyes and smile. 

“I’ll just sing a random Sinatra song, it always goes well.” I shrug, looking at him with an almost blank expression. 

“Really taking a chance, challenging yourself.” He teases, voice high raspy and amused; I shove him. 

“It’s what I’m good at, bite me.” I growl and he gives me an unamused look with lidded eyes. 

“I think you could do much better.” 

“-than Sinatra? Funny.” I give him an incredulous look and he smiles. 

“You could do Brendon.” 

“Huh?” We make eye contact and I’m struck with golden honey hazel eyes. 

“You could do Brendon. Not Sinatra, not Corgin...you could just do Brendon.” He says simply, propping his leg up against the wall in a relaxed way and I drag my eyes up his body. 

“I could do you.” I mumble under my breath, looking up at him quickly and blushing. 

“Hmm?” He tilts his head to the right and I feel heat take over my face. 

“Nothing!” I rush out, my brain buzzing and heart bursting because this could end reallly badly. 

“Ok sure.” He rolls his eyes and my face almost catches on literal fire. 

“I’m just gonna do what I’m good at.” I say, rushing it out with a sigh and he pats my shoulder. 

“That’s fine too. But if you want a good part I suggest actually trying.” 

“I am! And I don’t want a huge part because-“ I stop myself, cheeks reddening before I say “because I can’t keep seeing you.” 

“Why?” He makes a confused expression that I can't help but find so god damn cute. 

“I can’t handle it.” I leave out the part when I say “you drive me crazy.” 

“I think you can do it.” He assures me and I shake my head, looking around the hallway and I see some familiar kids coming near, older ones. 

“I...I can’t. Too much pressure and I...I’m shy.” I stumble over my words and he doesn’t buy it. 

Of course he wouldn’t.

”If I can do it you can.” 

“Oh sure,” I roll my eyes “you’ve been doing this since you were like five foot.” He chuckles and leans down next to me, ignoring the older guys walking towards us. 

“You’ve got this, ok? Do what feels right. Just do whatever’s best for you, alright? You’ve got it either way so don’t worry.” His tone is gentle and low, and his eyes are boring into mine so deeply I think they’ll paralyze me. 

“...Do you understand me?” He asks strongly, pupils dilated and like big black holes of never ending knowledge that I’d never understand. 

“Y-yeah.” I mumble, blinking up at him and he smiles. 

“Alright then.” He stands and turns to the other boys, disconnecting our momentary bubble of intimacy and I feel it in my chest when he steps away. It hurts, when the warmth, the closeness and feel of having him right _there_ an  _so close_ is stripped away like that. It's like I've swallowed a rock, can't find my voice and suddenly it's harder to walk and my body is heavier then it was when he pulled away.it’s incredible I’m still standing.

I nod to myself and partially to him, checking my phone and see some good luck texts, smiling and writing back quickly. 

“Brendon!” I hear Ryan yell, and I look up confused to see what he could want now. 

“H-huh?” I see him motion for me, standing with a group of older boys that aren’t really looking at me. 

“C’mere.” He says, eyebrows raised expectantly and I take a breath. 

_Why._

_What could he possibly fucking want?!_

I walk over with my bag, standing behind him where no one can really see me in his shadow, and that’s where I plan to stay until he says something to me. 

“What..? Brendon-“ he twists his body around, almost falling over me and I step back quickly, blushing furiously. 

“Sorry.” 

“Guys!” He calls for their attention and the group of boys, including Sisky, turn around. “This is Brendon, Kara’s younger brother. He made the choir and is trying out today.” Ryan puts his arm around me as I mentally try and drain the color from my face as the boys all stare at me. 

“What voice part?” One of them asks suddenly and I clear my throat like an absolute fucking idiot. 

“Uh, a tenor?” I say nervously and they nod. 

“Are you sure? Sounds like a question.” A brunette teases. He’s got bright blue eyes and hair like the boy who currently has his arm around me. 

“Yeah I’m sure.” I mumble, looking at my shoes for a second and quickly looking up  so I don’t look too scared. 

“-You look like one.” Another brunette kid that’s shorter than Sisky says and another nods.

I stare at him for a second, because what the actual fuck is that supposed to mean? 

“...thanks?” 

“No problem.” He replies innocently, so I’m guessing it’s not an insult for now. 

“So what made you wan't to do a show here?" The blue eyed brunette asks and I shrug, pressing my body in Ryan's. They're all so...old. And tall and mature looking and one has stubble on his face already. They all look the same, yet not at all. Ryan's got fluffy brown hair and honey colored hazel eyes, thin bone structure and a feminine way about him, and Sisky's the same but with blonde hair. The other three are all taller and more muscular, with more masculine features and ways about them. 

I Like Ryan and Sisky much more then them.

Speaking of him, the way I had previously taken shelter in him had affected his words, and he could only stare at me while stammering about previous shows from middle school.

"H-he went to Ernst." Ryan coughs, looking me dead in the eyes and I raise an eyebrow. 

"Ah, Summerlin. That's a nice community. Wondered why I haven't seen you?" the boy with stubble says, looking at me up and down. 

"Yeah I feel like I've seen you before but I'd definitely remember." One of them mumbles and I feel only one third anxious, having all this attention directed at me.

"Well its like," someone starts.

"Dark hair...and-"

"-light eyes. I don't know." everyone excepet Ryan is assessing me, talking about how I look and what my specific traits are, which is only slightly weird but girls do it all the time so I don't think about it too much. Better to hear it out loud then under their breaths I suppose.

"He's Kara's brother guys. You know, Matt, Mason, Kyla, and Kara?" He looks at them like they're dumb and they all start to mumble things about my older siblings. 

"Don't remember half of them to be honest, you're the one in kahoots with the Uries Ry." Stubble kid says and I don't realize I'm frowning until Ryan laughs. 

"Sorry we aren't paying enough attention to you." Ryan chuckles, ruffling my hair with the hand on my shoulder and stubble kid snorts. 

"being the youngest sucks." 

"Mmm but you guys don't have half siblings, Brendon can only play the sob story for so long, sucks baby-of the family..."

My ears turn off the second Ryan says baby.

_baby._

Fucking just the way the words roll off his tongue and  _baby_ and  _babe_ and  _darling_ aren't things I'd be opposed to hearing everyday. 

I'm nudged by his bony arm and I turn face him. "Y-yeah?" 

"What is the _matter_ with you?" He gives me a genuinely worried look and leans closer. "Are you feeling alright?"

_I won't be if you don't get your face away from mine in the next two seconds._

"I..." I glance around in a millisecond, "I'm  _fine_." 

"You don't seem like it." he pushes the topic and I don't really think any of the other boys are listening anymore. 

"Ryan," I whine, "I told you I'm ok." 

"I'm just worrying, that's all." I feel bad, the concern in his tone and the way he just  _cares_ is enough to make me want to grab his face and scream at him for making me so confused. 

Because I don't know why. 

I don't know why I feel this way. 

And I don't know how,

but I wan't to make him feel it too. 

"Don't be, ok? I've got it I can take care of myself."

He nods, looking at me for a few seconds more and I wish I could crawl inside his head and figure out what he always  _sees_ on me. 

Do I have an eyelash on my cheek? are my eyes always bloodshot? Is there a crumb or something on my lip? 

"Hey boys!" I turn and see Mr Leeds poking his head out and shouting over the girls in the hall. "Is it alright if we save time and group you all?" 

The people around me nod, shoving their things against the wall and walking into the choir room. 

"What's going on?" I ask Sisky to my right, and he smiles.

"We're doing our auditions, no big deal bro." 

"What?" I yelp, my steps faltering "all together?" 

He nods. 

"Like you'll all  _hear_ me?" I ask in disbelief, this can't be happening and yet it is because he smiles and nods. 

"That's what'll happen." he opens the door and I hang back a second. 

I can't do this. 

I literally can't. 

I'll throw up everywhere.

But now I've been introduced and I can't wimp out now or he'l never let me hear the end of it and-

"You coming or going?" Sisky chuckles, still holding the door and I finally just choke down a no and walk through the doors. 

Mr Leeds catches my nervous eye, beckoning me over to him. "You can go first, they don't usually pay attention the first two songs." 

"Oh but they will for mine." I complain, not even looking over my shoulder where I know Ryan is probably sprawled on the choral risers. 

"Alright, what song?" Mr Leeds smiles and I cringe. 

"Can you play Sinatra?" I ask quietly and he rolls his eyes.

"Can I?" He repeats sarcastically, "If you want, can just play a scale and you can sing on your own." 

I figure a whole opening set of chords will draw attention, so I ask for a scale then take a deep breath as he slowly hits the pattern of keys. 

 

In a moment I hear Ryan's voice, telling someone to 'quiet down a sec', and I melt, literally dreading having to sing in front of him but it'll happen sooner or later. I can almost feel his eyes on me, deep and beautiful and...and I just sing what comes to mind in that very moment. "You'd be so easy to love..so easy to idolize all others above, so worth the yearning for, so swell to keep every home fire burning for..." I take another breath, because holy shit, I sound  _really_ good. I turn slightly, closing my eyes and smiling, trying to at least milk it for the crowd since I'm this far. "...And we would be so grand at the game, carefree together that it does seem a shame...that you can't see your future with me, 'cause you'd be," I turn over my shoulder, "oh, so easy to love.." 

Claps are what force my eyes open and my face turns red I just know it, and I turn to face the man behind the piano that's grinning wickedly. 

"Perfect Brendon. Thank you." I grin sheepishly and turn to the risers, going to get my bag and my phone and I hide my face and my eyes from all of them. 

Another kid stands up, I can hear them, and as I'm collecting my things the piano starts once again. 

_"This story is about love, the woman I loved is dead."_  I'm not going to kid myself, nor you. I knew who was singing next before the teacher's fingers even touched the first key on the piano. Hearing him out loud instead of in my head was just a bonus.  _"There_ _was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy...they say he wandered very far...very far over land and sea."_  Fuck it's a good song, a perfect song and it's too late to leave the room so I stand with my back to him, pretending to look at a meaningless lock screen when in reality you couldn't distract me from this with David Bowie himself. 

Ryan is that much more to me. 

and that’s frightening.

_"A little shy, and sad of eye, but very wise was he. And then one day, one magic day he passed my way, while we spoke of many things; fools and kings, this he said to me...”_ _the greatest thing you'll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved In return.”"_

He finishes with a smile, I know he does because what I just heard was perfection, and if anyone disagreed I'd have a fist in their face and a few choice words for their ears. 

I hide a grin and turn, leaving the room quickly after waving goodbye to Mr Leeds, who waves without looking up. 

I escape into the hall, exhaling roughly and gathering my thoughts. 

_ohmyfuckinggod_

Ryan just sang, just sang  _really_ well and I don't think I'll ever be able to hear that song ever again and not think of him. The way he sings, it's just, fuck. It's so fucking incredible and the thought of this ending in the future and not being able to hear him sing  _that song_ over and over again makes me want to sit down and cry, 

I still don't know why. 

I can't figure it out. 

The thoughts are more frequent, and I'm getting less irritated by them. I just don't care anymore, I'm letting myself obsess over this guy. 

"Trying not to sneak up on you." I hear behind me and I grin stupidly, turning and saying hi quietly. 

"You did so well," Ryan says,  coming up beside me and slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Like, amazing." 

I blush, rocking on my heels. "You were...wow." 

"Eh I don't know, my voice is too high to sing that low." he rubs the back of his neck and I roll my eyes. 

"It was perfect Ryan. You're incredible." 

"Sure. You're probably going to get Christian with that voice." He says, looking almost bitter and I raise an eyebrow. 

"Who?" 

"The lead? The literal main character of the show?" Ryan looks at me like I'm an idiot and I shrug. 

"I won't. I'm a freshman and can barely act. You've been doing this so long." I argue and he looks slightly satisfied. 

"I suppose so." 

"When will he put up the list?" I ask and Ryan rubs his face. 

"Probably Friday. Girls still have to go and there's a  _lot."_ he chuckles. "Some are good, and some...not so good." 

"I bet." I laugh along, watching the way his eyes crinkle. 

"Satine is a hard woman to play." he says pointedly and I raise an eyebrow. 

"You really do need to tell me what the show is about, Ryan." I say in a joking way and his face lights up. 

"You're right! You know absolutely nothing oh my gosh how are you supposed to practice?" 

"Is there a movie?" the face he makes as I ask this tells me I shouldn't have said that. 

"Are you kidding? Of course." he rolls his eyes "But if you really want to understand you need to be told the story and read the script."

"Well sorry, I'll get right on it." I say, having no intention of doing so. 

"Ok." Ryan watches my face for a moment before clearing his throat and looking at the ground. "Um, me and the guys you met earlier were going to go out tonight and get something to eat. Boys night, it's kinda a thing we do before and after big events. I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything, if you wanted to come?" He looks up quickly, anxious for my response and I try and stop my mouth from falling open.

I just got invited to go out with Ryan and his friends. 

Just me. 

To go out. 

With them. 

I just got invited to participate in one of their annual rituals. 

"I...of, of course. I'd love to." I say carefully, watching as he smiles and nods.

"Ok great! We were gonna go after this and then back to Spencer's house to hang out. You can text Kara and tell her she doesn't need to take you home until later. 

"Alright." I smile and get out my phone, texting her immediately. taking deep breathes I text Kara and then go to Patrick's contact, typing furiously to get some support during this monumental moment.

"I'm glad you want to come." Ryan says suddenly, and I chuckle. We can hear piano from the room behind us, we only have a few more minutes alone. I trust he takes advantage of them.

"Wouldn't want to miss something like that." I say without looking at him. I know though, I know that he's smiling, and from where my head's bowed I can see he's doing that thing with his feet again, balancing on the outer side and bouncing nervously. 

We're both terrified. 

We're both just anxious, feminine looking boys and that realization makes me smile internally. He said yesterday I was like him, just like him, I simply didn't know it yet, or want to accept it. I don't really know what he meant by that, but maybe what he said about me is true after all. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major stalking was needed to figure out what middle schools were around where B grew up...and that Kara is a las vegas therapist.  
> ohmygod what is wrongwithme


	4. Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhere throughout this the writing gets a lot better than it usually is so you're welcome.  
> Actually no thank Anna Green for the inspo

It takes a little over five minutes for the remainder of the boys to audition, Ryan and I sitting outside the door with our ears pressed against the wood. Sisky goes, singing something I don't know. The other three sing classic male solos like Phantom and Les Mis and stuff like that. 

"They're good." I say observantly, making eye contact with Ryan who nods and shushes me. 

"Better than last year. Damn Sisky." He mumbles, pressing his entire side against the wood and I mimic his movements. We're face to face, yet not acknowledging each other. 

"Yeah Sisky's great." I say quietly and he looks at me with an unidentifiable expression. 

"Mmm." 

"What, he is." I shrug, pressing against the door again "He's really nice, very friendly and welcoming." I point out, trying to put his best friend in light because if I want to get in with the group I have to be nice. 

"Like I haven't been?" Ryan murmurs and I look at him strangely. 

"I never said you weren't." I mumble back, staring at him and he doesn't look back at me. 

"sorry." It's so quiet I almost don't catch it on top of someone belting a bad rendition of "Your Song." by Elton John. 

"It's fine." 

We listen for a few more seconds, Ryan bobbing his head. "This is what Christian sings to Satine when he's trying to get her to fall in love with him." Ryan says and I tilt my head. 

"Elton John?" 

"Yeah. Well, almost all the songs in this show are covers, which makes it super unique. This is actually one of my favorites." He says absentmindedly. 

"Why didn't you sing it?" I ask and he looks at his fingers then sits with his back against the door. 

"I dont know," he exhales "It's really special to me I guess. Christian's a very strong character, with a strong voice. It makes me feel...things. I don't know how to explain it. He's a writer, I'm a writer, and him singing about how she inspires him and how much he loves her kinda gets to me. There's this line I'm sure you know, but he says "So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do, you see I've forgotten if they're green or if they're blue.'" Ryan looks at the ground, taking another breath "It's such a good line. He's talking about her eyes, obviously, and it's just so truthful and beautiful and..." he trials off and I chuckle thoughtfully. 

“I want to be able to write about someone like that. Well, at least tell them about it. He just puts his words out there, his gift is his song, his words are his voice and it makes him so...admirable.” He concludes, and I smile softly. 

I just got a glimpse. 

A glimpse into the mind of Ryan Ross. 

His passion for this, it's adorable. The obsession he has with that song almost guarantees that he'll sing it in a few months. 

And I can wait for him to do it.  

But he can't know that. 

"Don't you think it's weird how much you guys sing?" I ask quietly and his eyes flicker up to mine. 

"No." 

"Do any of you do sports?" I ask and he shakes his head. 

"No. We're theater kids, that's what we do." He says pointedly, like I'm stupid or something. 

"Oh." I look at my hands and wring them. I like that they sing, it's different. Usually girls are the only ones passionate about the arts but it seems that everything changes when you get to high school. People find themselves, and they don't care what others think. I don't think I've ever met a guy around my age as passionate about singing as Ryan is. He's obsessed. He sings all the time. Over at my house, in the halls, by himself. Literally 24/7 and it makes sense that he'd be good cause of how much he actually does it. Literally all the time. I'm trying to do my homework or watch youtube in my room and all I can hear is him singing to Kara or humming while they play video games or bake and do girly shit. 

He broke my guitar case about a month ago, taking it in and out of my room to use it. I yelled at him and he laughed and said I "never even take it anywhere so what's the big deal"

It wasn't really about the case, it was more or less the fact I was trying to tend to my physical needs and he just burst in the room. 

"-Why? You not want to be seen with us?" He asks out of the blue and I shake my head, feeling almost offended that he thinks I'd be that shallow. 

"I don't care what other people think about me." I say absentmindedly and he gives me a look that tells me he doesn't believe that. 

"You sure about that?" 

"Yeah." 

He nods, looking doubtful but satisfied with the statement and I hear the piano start up again from where it had been paused. 

"If you ever don't want to do something with us you can say so, I won't be hurt or anything." he says, looking at me and trying to get my attention but I keep staring at the door. 

"But I wanna go with you guys." I say defensively and he nods. 

"Just, if you don't want to be seen with us you don't have to be." 

"I don’t care about being seen with you, give me a break I’m not an asshole Ryan. I wanna be who I can't say I've ever been." I mumble and he nods. 

"I get it." 

"What I want is for people to see me as I am, not how I think they'll want to see me. I want to stand out, I guess. Be myself." 

"Mhmm." He stares at me for a second more and when he doesn't catch my eye he looks down again, playing with a string on his sweater. 

“I think you should do the same.” I mumble and he gives me a weird look, making eye contact after a few minutes of ignoring each other. 

“I do.” 

“No you don’t.” I retort and he sits up. 

“Yes I do.” He snaps, mouth drawn in a tight line and I tilt my head in confusion. 

Why is he mad at me? 

“...ok.” I give up, looking at the ground again and he takes a chance, lifting up my face with his palm. 

“I can take care of myself, thank you though.” His hand is hot, dry and soft against my cheek. It spreads a sense of comfort and affection over me and throughout the underside of my skin, it rushes through my face like he's infected me with his heat.

“Ok.” I mutter, flickering my gaze all over his face and he smiles tightly. He's being all proud, refusing my helpful advice and sticking to his own self absorbed thoughts because I'm  _obviously_ too young to know anything about this. 

“Good.” he smiles crookedly and we just sit there, his hand still on my skin and my heart still beating a mile per minute under my thin shirt. It mine as well be on my wrist for everyone to see. 

Mostly for him. 

But I fear he's seen it already. 

Suddenly the door opens, and pushes both of us forward. Ryan's hand is dragged away from my face and we stumble forward onto our knees. 

"Shit-sorry!" I turn around with a red face to see Sisky behind the door looking guilty. His long blonde hair falls in front of his face and he pushes it away quickly, revealing reddened cheeks and wide blue eyes. 

"It's alright." Ryan says in a gentle voice, crawling onto his feet and dusting off his jeans. Sisky nods, still looking extremely embarrassed and awkward but I have no idea why. Not like he interrupted anything-

"I didn't know if I was interrupting anything-" he starts, eyes wide with guilt and mortification which Ryan silences with a sharp glare. 

Funny. 

I was thinking the same thing. 

"You weren't." Ryan snaps, voice and eyes dark and looking almost angry. He's irritable today, short tempered and I can't imagine why. Something must have happened between the audition and now.

Maybe it was my accusation, insinuating he's insecure. I don't think he liked that, not one bit. I can understand how that would be offensive, but he's taking it a lot more serious than I anticipated. Almost like he cares what I think and the possibility of me thinking less of him is making him angry. But I don't mean anything, I shouldn't matter, right? My opinion is one of an almost sixteen year old kid that doesn't really know him all that well and he shouldn't be so mad about this. 

I don't know why he's so mad about this. 

"I..I just...with the...?" Sisky motions to me, then to Ryan, trying to communicate something I can't understand and he makes a face I can only identify as almost-knowing confusion. Like he has an idea, and he and Ryan both have this idea, but he's not 100% sure yet. Ryan steps away from me and shakes his head, looking at the floor as if it’s the most interesting thing he’s seen all week.

"Don't be stupid." he snarls, pushing past Sisky and getting his bag. The aura surrounding him is dark, angry and sending a wave of uneasiness over me. I still don't know what happened so I stand confused, pigeon toed and doe eyed waiting for direction from him. 

Sisky shuts up immediately, it's apparent that Ryan is the leader of their friendship, the dominant and it almost makes me want to shut up as well. 

"...Don't be an ass." I retort, taking a daring chance and Ryan turns to me looking furious. 

Fuck. 

"What?" his gaze flickers, expression dropping for a second and he looks the opposite of mad. He looks sad. 

Shocked. 

Upset. 

Hurt.  

I never want to see him look that way again. 

"Don't be so...mean." I mutter, eyes trained on the ground because I don't want to look at him. 

"I'm not being mean." he says defensively, voice back to it's normal high and raspy tone, and I look up with a raised eyebrow. 

It's ok. 

It's safe to banter now. 

"You're freaking out of literally nothing." I say calmly and Ryan scoffs. 

"I'm not." 

"Yes, you are." I repeat, tilting my head at him "What's wrong." 

He glances at Sisky quickly, looking at him angrily and then to the floor and then to me. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong I'm just...fine." 

I take this as not wanting to talk about it, so I don't press further. The last thing I want is to make him upset. 

We are supposed to have a good time tonight. 

"So I uh," Sisky coughs "They're all ready to go. Your call Ryan." He looks at his feet, not catching Ryan's eyes and I had no idea he could be this scary.

Well, I had an idea.

"We can go now. I mean, we could drop our things at home then all meet at like, Olive Garden or something." He shrugs as if it doesn't matter but it really does, and I really want to know what will happen if I go home with him.

To "drop off our things"

At "home"

Or, I'm reading into this way too much and Ryan has no malevolent plans to murder me when we are alone together.

"Sounds good. Text me when you start heading over there." He says, fishing keys out of his pocket and saluting me with two slender fingers. "Later kiddo." 

I blush at the nickname, not because I'm embarrassed but because...

Yeah I guess I am embarrassed. 

Because if I didn't want Ryan to hear him call me that, it'd be because I don't want him to see me as a kid, and being referred to as such, is shameful to me and would be amusing to him. If I wasn't embarrassed I wouldn't care, but I do. 

I want him to see me as an equal. 

Its more important to me than anything else I can think of in the moment, but nevertheless I nod and smile at Sisky, the movements of my head up and down trying to shake the pink from my cheeks. 

"I'll text you." Ryan says after him, watching him leave. 

More boys file out, ones I recognize and Ryan tells them the same plans he just made with Sisky. They nod and agree, grabbing their keys like functioning adults and grabbing all their bags on the way out. One kid has a saxophone, and I watch in awe as he picks it up easily and just carries it out the door into the crisp air. More people file out, Ryan and I hanging behind for some reason but I don't question his motives. Mr Leeds leaves as well, waving goodbye and reminding us that we did a great job. 

"Thank you." Ryan says politely and waves cordially after the man when he drives away. 

Soon its just us. 

Just us standing in the silence. 

It always comes down to us. 

Ryan initiates the first movement, grabbing his bag and looking at me expectantly.

He’s always expecting something from me.

Whether it be a response, or a nod, a laugh or even a frown. He's always expecting me to do something in return. 

And he shouldn’t have to, he acts like he waits. 

But we both know I’ll always be attentive. Paying attention, ready to reciprocate in any way I can. 

"Ready?" He pulls his keys out of the small zipped part of his backpack and I nod, not really having to answer and pick mine up, slinging it over my shoulder. 

"Mhmm." 

We walk to his car, similarly to yesterday and once again I hop up onto the curb and walk, hands outstretched for balance with a small smile. 

I'll act young. 

It pleased him last time, made him smile. 

I've got to at least try to get one again. 

Luckily I do, he walks by with an amused smile, shaking his head and ruffling his hair. He almost looks like a bird, the bright yet muted colors, and feather soft fluffy hair sticking out everywhere. 

But what kind of bird I don't know. 

I don't know if he flies south for the winter. 

I don't know if he'll mate for life. 

I wait for him to unlock the doors this time, saving myself a scolding unlike yesterday. I'm learning, slowly but surely learning how to do the whole "Ryan" thing. 

I should ask Kara when I get home tonight, how to get on his good side. 

Not that I want to. 

Not like I care.

"I'm sorry for making you mad." I say childishly, angry at myself for saying it that way but he just shrugs and buckles his seatbelt, tapping my leg to tell me to do the same. 

"It's not your fault, I just had a long day ya know?" 

"No..." I say, disagreeing "it was more than that. I won't buy a cheap excuse like that." 

"Not like you even had the money to pay." He retorts and the words are so far over my head that I can't come up with a rebuttle. 

"Listen, I'm sorry for saying that you don't have confidence. I don't believe that...I was just trying to get a conversation out of you." 

He nods at that, keeping his eyes trained on the road, "It's alright. I didn't believe you."

You were just angry at the thought of me believing it, weren't you? 

"Ok." 

He turns up the radio, no Spotify this time. No argument about his shitty phone or stupid show tunes I've outgrown. We listen to alternative rock, and sit in otherwise comfortable silence. 

"Are we going to your house or mine?" I ask, glancing over at him. He's driving, focused obviously but his head is leaned on his left arm, breathing softly and looking comfortable and relaxed. The light casting into the car from outside is making his eyelashes seem longer, reflecting onto his cheeks like tiny lace fans. 

"Mine I suppose." He yawns, covering his mouth lazily and blinking slowly. The fans are gone. 

I bite my nails in the passenger seat, so distracted by the presence of him right there that I bite the skin too hard without realizing it and now the tip of my left index finger is bleeding. I hiss in suprise, and a tiny bit of pain and Ryan whips to me. 

"What did you do?" He asks immediately, softly, but alarmed and worried and I shake my head. 

"Just got a little bit too anxious." I chuckle nervously, sucking on the tip to stop the blood and he turns back to the road. 

"Don't scare me like that." He says breathlessly, and I stop sucking to imagine how he'd act if I was actually hurt. Would he panic, would he know exactly what to do? Would he hold me while I cry and carry on, would he tell me to get over it? 

I cant imagine it. 

I try, yet my mind refuses. 

Stop thinking about him as if he's your boyfriend. 

He’ll never be. 

You aren’t gay.

"Sorry." I mutter, feeling genuinely embarrassed by that and he looks back over at me curiously. 

"What are you anxious about anyway?" 

I look at my bleeding cuticle. "Just tonight." 

"Why?" He presses the topic and really the last thing I want to do is tell him how nervous I am to be around him like this. 

“I don’t know. New group of people. Older people. I don’t want to screw it up.” 

Let you down. 

“It’s fine man, you’re not meeting the president.” He laughs “not like you would want to anyway, ugh.” He gags and I laugh, watching him tap the steering wheel. 

“I just get nervous.” I mumble and he tuts. 

“I know.” He says knowingly, gently, and I look at him mildly shocked. 

“What? How?” I always thought I played it off pretty well to be honest. 

“You do this thing,” he pauses and laughs a little bit, which makes my stomach somersault and I blink quickly. “You tap you’re nose repeatedly with your right thumb or pointer finger when you are uncomfortable, or nervous. I thought you were just itchy or something but it happens all the time. I didn’t point it out cause I thought you’d be embarrassed.” 

Oh. 

Well I didn’t know that. 

I listened to every word he said, yet the only thing I keep coming back to is the fact that he watches me, and he notices the things I do and he has kept track of my little ticks, and became concerned about them. 

I keep coming back to the fact that he notices me, everything about me. 

I keep coming back around. 

I’m always coming back around. 

“That must be distracting.” Is all I say, trying to make up my mind whether I want to lose this little surge of confidence around him or submit like I usually do. I’m only half aware of my hand reaching up to my face before I’m laughing in an irritated fashion and stopping halfway. 

Shit. 

I do so do that. 

I do it all the time I just never really noticed it, started this year too. 

Odd.

“I don’t mind it. It’s amusing, very cute.” He says casually but the tone is sharp, and it sounds strained, like it took him guts to spit out the last two words. 

Something is up. 

Somethings up with both of us. 

But I could be wrong, I usually am. 

“Glad my anxiety is fun to watch.” I reply sarcastically and he flips a switch to serious Ryan. 

“If you get too nervous around us you can always just let me know.” He assures me, and to hell I will. 

That’s like telling god you’re doubting your religion. 

Why would I want to jeprodize something that’s still so raw? We’re forming, like a sandcastle that just needs some more water.

Just a little more structure to it I suppose.

But instead of disagreeing, telling him what I believe, I say; “Of course I will.” And he seems pleased with my answer so I’m saved another round of awkward questions about just how nervous I get around him and why.

“I’m glad you like them.” He says, and he seems to be saying that a lot. 

“I’m glad.” 

More specifically “I’m glad you...”

Or it could just be me, and I’m imagining it. 

“Yeah, I do like them. Sisky is my favorite, I think we are going to get along well.” It’s true, I really like the blonde, despite meetin him only a few days ago. He’s very friendly, kind, funny, yet respectful and willing to overlook a dumb age barrier that many people his age are too scared to. 

“Yeah I was getting vibes.” Ryan says pointedly and I cock my head. 

“What kind?” 

“Just that you liked him. You gravitate towards him.” 

Because I know that where he is, you’ll show up eventually.

You think I haven’t learned that yet? 

“I guess I tend to. He’s the most familiar.” I say and it’s true. Sure, the brunette beside me will always be the most familiar, but not always the most approachable and that’s something I didn’t realize I was already preparing for subconsciously. 

I’ll need my resources. 

“I would think _I_  am.” He argues, frowning slightly as he turns the wheel and the car screeches into his cul de sac. 

“I mean out of you're _friends,_ Ryan.” 

He hums in response, clearly not satisfied with the opaque answer and I sink in the seat next to him. 

We ignore the topic for the rest of the three minutes it takes us to walk in his front door. I’ve been in Ryan’s house...maybe twice. Kara countless times, but I've been here twice and the feeling of standing in his living room is awkward and far too blinded by deja vu to focus on what he’s doing. 

A door opens in the back and he disappears, shuffling and moving things around. 

I stand in his living room. 

Theres a dark brown carpet under my feet, thick orange curtains shielding the windows, and two large sofas in the front living room that look older than both of us combined. The house is stuck in a past decade, which one I don’t know but it certainly isn’t the one we’re in now. There's a large amount of clutter, more then I'd expect Ryan to have, he's shown tendencies of being very uptight and tidy in the past. 

I find my voice among the dust and heavy silence that’s found its place in his tiny home. 

“Where is everyone?” 

“My dad's at work.” He answers simply, voice muddled from the distance. 

"Where's your mom?" I call and there's a momentary pause. 

"Out." 

I tilt my head and look at a dead plant in the corner of the room.  "Where though?" 

"Jesus Brendon I don't know, somewhere in the Western USA." he mutters angrily and my mouth opens slightly, my face getting cold. 

I touch my cheek nervously, looking around quickly. There's no pictures, no shoes by the door or purses hanging over chairs, no sign of really anyone living here. There's only material items of no importance scattered about to make up a show, and no indication of life besides the half empty and half filled bottles of unidentifiable liquid under the coffee table and around the sofa. In the kitchen there's dishes all over the table and counters, no fruit out or anything fresh that I can see. No wonder Ryan's so skinny, there isn't anything to eat here except beer and whiskey.

-I realize what his previous sentence had meant. 

"I'm sorry." I say quickly, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling, cursing to myself under my breath. 

His mom left, she's gone. 

He's here with his dad, just the two of them, alone. 

One of them is taking it much better than the other. 

"It's ok, I'm sorry too." he reappears in the doorway, his silhouette accentuated by the bright light flooding into the hallway from his bedroom. "You know you don't have to stand out there, 's depressing." He goes back to shuffling around and I tentatively follow, dropping my bag by the door and taking cautious steps around his house, as if his dad would burst in the door and attack me. 

For what I don't know. 

I'm just getting bad vibes. 

"Ok." 

I follow Ryan's shadow into the back room, his room, and lean against the doorframe, not daring to go in. I haven't been invited, and I just want to seem too at home, though it's not like he cares about my personal space when he's at my house. He's over there enough though, I suppose he's earned the right. 

He seems to notice my hesitation, looking over at me from where he's shoving books from his backpack into the scraped up wooden drawers of his desk. He says nothing however, and continues to do what he's doing. 

There's posters on the walls, Modest Mouse, Blink 182, The Beatles. Strange mixtures but they all fit in a way. The curtains are pulled open, windows cracked and it's so much more up to date in here than the rest of the house. 

It's also much more clean. Nothing is on the floor, unlike the living room or my room back at home. He has a small-ish room, but it's comfortable. A queen sized bed with black sheets, a desk and dresser. Guitars on the wall. It's basic, simple. Everything is tucked away, but upon closer inspection there isn’t enough stuff to even make a mess. It’s the bare minimum. A few books, some scattered paper, and a filled to the brim duffel bag by the bed that looks like it would fall apart the minute you pick it up. 

I frown, looking at the room closer and closer without catching his eye. 

It's obvious he doesn't spend a lot of time here. 

It’s obvious he has a packed bag at the ready. 

It’s obvious something is wrong here. 

“What?” He snaps, and I flinch up to see him staring at me looking almost irritated. 

“...what?” I tilt my head and Ryan stands up from where he’s been kneeling by a filing cabinet. 

“What’s wrong? You look worried there’s no reason to be concerned.”

”B-but...” I look around the room again and look at Ryan pleadingly “this doesn’t look good.” I whisper and his eyes flicker to the floor, then back up to me. 

“It’s fine.” 

“It isn’t.” 

"Brendon," he stands up straight, and takes a few steps over to me, reaching his hand out and cupping my face again. "I can take care of myself." 

I blink rapidly "But-" before I tell him he can't live like this, the front door opens and we hear footsteps. Ryan curses to himself quietly and pushes past me, forcing me farther back into the bedroom while he goes out into the hallway, and slams the door behind him.

He keeps me in the back, safe. 

He needs to hide his secret. 

I open my mouth to call for him, tell him to stop, to come back, but I don't. I press my ear against the door like the two of us had been doing about thirty minutes ago. 

"Hey Dad." I hear Ryan say and now I know it's my cue to stay put. I've heard Kara talk about him to our parents at night, voice shaky and nervous, telling them how he acts when she's at his house. My parents do nothing but shake their heads and pat her back, the concerns of their daughter's best friend are only momentary worries. We have enough of our own I guess. 

But I can never hear her quiet clearly, I don't know what goes on in the Ross household. 

I suppose now I have a front row seat. 

Mr. Ross mumbles something, and Ryan responds, tone quiet and unwavering. 

"You going somewhere?" a male voice asks gruffly and Ryan says yes. 

"You had better be back before eleven." says a warning tone from Mr. Ross.

"I know-" 

"-Do you? Cause last time I got back from O Leary's you were just pullin' in after me." Ryan's dad says in a petty, accusatory way.

"I lost track of the time, it was a one time thing." Ryan says apologetically, the way he speaks after I'm annoyed at him. 

"Yeah sure, you were probably too busy fuckin’ that Urie girl-" 

"-I..." Ryan takes a deep breath, interrupting him. "It isn't like that, it never has, never will be." 

"let's say that." comes a snarky reply and my mouth hangs open in shock. 

"Whatever, I'm going out with Spencer. I'll be back before eleven." he mutters, and footsteps come back to the door. 

"If you even think about coming one minute late George-" 

"-It's Ryan!" Ryan hollers and then there's silence. 

"...Your mother and I named you George, and that's the name you will go by do you understand me?" His fathers voice raises in volume and I shrink where I'm standing. This is too much for me, it doesn't feel safe here what if something happens or if he comes in here? 

“But-“

I curl up in a ball in the corner of the room where his bed ends. There's a thunder of footsteps and a choked off whimper that sounds like Ryan. I tuck my face into my knees. 

“George.” Comes Mr Ross’s voice again and I silently pray that Ryan just says yes. 

He doesn’t. 

Of course he doesn’t, I know he’s too proud for that. 

"... whatever." I hear Ryan huff and immediately there's a loud crack, and the thump of something falling over. 

"Peice of shit. Take your stuff and get your asshole face out of my sight." Mr. Ross snarls and I so badly want to burst out of Ryan's room and punch him in the face but I can't. 

I just can't. 

So I wait a few more seconds and the door opens slowly, Ryan slinking in and the second he sees me he closes the door carefully and rushes over. 

I don’t want to know what would have happened if he slammed it. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you had to hear that." The words he speaks are fast, panicked, embarrassed and mortified as if that was something he thought he could keep hidden and I look up at him.

Oh my god. 

The right side of his face is bright red, darkening as seconds pass and his eyes are tearful and welling. He looks so helpless and broken and his hand goes to my shoulder and grips it tightly. 

"We gotta go." 

I don't say anything,I just get to my feet quickly, and shakily as Ryan grabs his almost empty backpack and my hand. 

I don't know how we're gonna do this. 

I don't know how we're gonna pull it off. 

"You're going to have to be really quiet, can you do that for me?" His tone is low and sounding small, like he's still afriad his father will hear us in here.

I nod, and he smiles softly. 

"Good, perfect, so good for me." He repeats, looking everywhere but me, so focused on his mission that the motions and words he's making right now are all incoherent and absentminded. 

He creeps back over to his door, opening it and walking into the hallway, peering around the corner and keeping an arm across my chest in the possibility that I'll jump out into the living room. 

I watch his eyes scan the room, and we both flinch as noises come from the bedroom in the far back. 

He makes an "ok" gesture with his fingers and motions for me to follow as he goes to the front door and opens it. I pick up my bag quickly and run out, scrambling down the steps and back into the passenger seat where I sit and stare out into his driveway with wide eyes and a speeding pulse. 

The door to my left cracks open and Ryan hops in as well, yanking it shut and starts the car faster then I've ever seen him. We pull out and screech into the road, making a U turn back onto the main road where we start in our pursuit back into town. 

"Text Sisky and tell him we're on our way." He mumbles and I do, taking his phone to do so. 

"It...it's locked." I say quietly and I watch as the rest of his face turns bright red. 

"I can put in the password." He says quickly, so I hand him the phone as he puts it in and I pretend I don't see my last name being typed. 

I understand it, it would have to be something his father wouldn't guess to put in. 

Kara probably told him to put it in. 

"Here." He thrusts it back my way and I nod, texting Sisky and putting his phone back. 

We sit in silence. 

I stare at the half empty package of gum in the cup holder. Strawberry. 

Explains why he always smells like a girl, always so sweet and intoxicating. 

Artificial flavoring. 

I stare at the wooden brown cross hanging on his mirror. 

I cant take it anymore. 

"Ryan-" 

"-Look Brendon." He cuts me off "I don't want to talk about it right now." 

"Ryan you can't-" 

"-yes I can." He snaps, and I frown. 

"I'm not going to ignore the fact that he hit you, Ryan." I say gently and there's a moment of silence. 

"I'm fine." He says calmly and I want to explode. 

Fine? 

Fine?! 

"But he hurt you!" I exclaim, and Ryan rubs the side of his head looking tired. 

"It's not a big deal Brendon." His voice is tired too. 

His eyes are lidded, bloodshot and drooping with exhaustion. His hair is tousled and wild, his face red from both adrenaline and the impact of a rough hand hitting it.   

"Yes it is! He can't treat you like that, it isn't fair. You don't deserve it." 

"Well what if I do?" He asks sarcastically, rolling his eyes and staring down the road angrily. 

God I hope it's sarcastic. 

"Ryan you don't have to stay there, we'd be glad to have you-" 

"-And George would allow that?" He laughs, sounding pissed off. “He already thinks I’m fucking Kara apparently.” He huffs, shaking his head and taking another deep breath. "Listen. I know how to handle it. Leaving won't help anything. He hasn't done that in a while I was just being too cocky because you were there and I had too much adrenaline. It would've been fine if I had just kept my head on." He explains, and my jaw goes slack. 

"You can't possibly believe that I'll take that as an answer?" I stare at him dumbfounded and he shrugs. 

"You and Kara are sweet, that's why I like you so much. But no, I can't take up your offer no matter how much I want to. George needs me around even though he won't admit it." 

"But it doesn't even look like anyone lives there." I argue and Ryan sighs. 

Tired is not a good look on him. 

Neither is an bruised cheek. 

I do a quick mental search of times I've seen him look like this before. There have been a few. Puffy eyes catching mine as I walk from the bathroom to my room, answering the door to see him wearing concealer and holding that duffel bag. 

He has come to us before. 

I just had never noticed.

"I keep everything in place. We have a system and if I were to leave it wouldn't work out. I go to school, he goes to work. I come home and clean before drama and musical while he goes out to drink after work. We get back around the same time, and I usually make myself dinner and "accidentally" make extra for him. It's how we work." He concludes, and I frown. 

"Doesn't sound like you're happy with it." 

"It's what I'm used to." He bites his lip and fakes a smile. "It's ok though, I have Kara and Sisky and Spencer, Jon and Brent and you." He says almost happily, but not quite there yet. 

"I...I don't like him." I mutter and Ryan chuckles. 

"Neither do I." 

"Ryan he hit you." I whisper, and Ryan's smile falls, his face slowly growing somber. 

"I'm aware of that." He says quietly and I shake my head. 

"It sounded bad Ryan." 

"It's been worse." He argues, brushing it off like it doesn't matter. 

It does. 

"Doesn't he love you?" I ask, voice pathetically upset and I shake my head at myself "When was the last time you got a hug?" 

Ryan swallows, visibly uncomfortable and shrugs. "I don't know, when I made the hockey team a few years ago." 

I stare at him, bewildered. "You deserve more love then that." 

"Love." He laughs, leaning his head againt the window. "I'm doing fine with the amount I have." 

It seems pointless, to argue with him. This is completely unfair and I know I have to talk to Kara about this. 

This is terrible. 

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Ryan Ross, _my_ Ryan Ross, is being treated this way. The Ryan Ross that teaches me songs on my shitty guitar while Kara's showering and the Ryan I've seen almost every day of my life since Kara got to middle school, the Ryan that tried to cut off his curls in eighth grade to look cool, the Ryan that sings along to Modest Mouse in the car, is being treated this way.

And sure I hated him on Monday. But I didnt. I hated the way he made me _feel_

And now I think I know what he's making me feel. 

"Ryan..." I trail off, shaking my head "you're too nice to live like that."

"bad things happen to good people." He states like it's a fact and I guess it is now. 

I have proof right next to me. 

Proof that has brown hair and is wearing an oversized knit sweater. 

"Can you like, sleep over tonight?" I ask weakly, and he shakes his head. 

"It's a Thursday. Maybe tomorrow if I'm behaved." He says, calculating the possibility in that mind of his. 

"Please ask." I whine, and he looks at me with an amused expression. 

"Trying to get me in bed with you?" He asks and my face flushes despite my still overbearing concern for him. 

"If it means you're safe then sure." I respond and now he blushes, the left side turning the same shade as the right. 

"I'll ask." He says quietly after a few seconds and I nod to myself. 

Get him in bed with me. 

As if.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh btw happy 10th birthday to Pretty Odd ;( <333


	5. Thursday (continued)

Ryan drives well, he drives focused and calculated and safely. Ryan drives with his hazel eyes trained on the road and his brain in the mindset of keeping his passengers safe. 

Keeping me safe. 

Ryan presses a hand against the bruise forming on his cheek, kneading the skin and cringing in pain while he drives. I sit and stare, I can’t do anything about it. 

The radio plays Arcade Fire, Everything Now and its a good song, a really good song. A blast from the past and Ryan taps his slender fingers against the steering wheel in time with the beat.

”I’m guessing you’ve got everything now.” He mumbles, and I watch his lips part to form the words and his eyes flicker across the winsheild, watching and studying the area around him. 

So focused Jesus Christ. 

“If you take a picture, you won’t have to stare at me until your eyes burn.” Ryan laughs, and I go red in the face before turning away. 

Why does he have to be such a cocky motherfucker? It’s hard enough to be nervous around him all the time, why does he have to point out how awkward I am?  

I scoff in response and he rolls his eyes. 

“Check my phone will you?” He asks and I do so, seeing a text from Sisky reading “k.” 

“How many girls besides my sister do you talk to?” I ask, genuinely curious and Ryan almost chokes. 

“How many?” He repeats, an amused tone taking over his usual raspiness and I nod. 

“Maybe two.” He shrugs with a small smile, and I hold back a laugh. 

“Two?” I repeat and he nods, eyes crinkling. 

“Including your sister.” He barks out a laugh and I let my mouth hang open. 

“How?!” I exclaim, eyes wide. He’s literally  _gorgeous_ how can no one have snatched him yet?

“I don’t get along well with them. At least the girls in this school.” He shrugs, looking careless. 

I can see it, the problem he would have with girls. Ryan is stubborn, and an extremely strong personality and even he and Kara fight from time to time. On those days we don't drive him home, and she fumes in the driver's seat while I sit in the back to avoid her wrath. All of my opinions on Ryan have been formed from the sidelines, watching and observing things happen and the things leading up to them. Ryan is self centered a lot of the time, or maybe just with Kara. He does things that he knows he shouldn't and when they argue about it he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's got a compulsive attitude, and a short temper. It's erratic, the way he behaves. Even ten minutes ago when his dad was basically threatening him, and he still continued being defiant until he was hit. 

Not that he should have been hit, but he could have easily avoided it. 

"Oh. Does anyone like you?" I ask, trying to keep the conversation going yet making it just a little bit risky just because I want to know how far I can push this. 

"I think so." he murmurs, sounding absolutely sure and I tilt my head. 

"Who?" 

"I don't think they would want anyone to know." he chuckles, biting the corner of his lip and I flutter my eyes under the lids. 

Fuck. 

"Mmm." I make a noise of acknowledgement and he clears his throat. 

"How about you?" 

"What about me?" 

He rolls his eyes "How's your love life?" I cough at this, almost choking and he looks over worriedly. 

"What?" 

"Nothing," I gasp, turning over in the seat so I'm on my left side, facing him. "I just think it's funny you'd ask that." 

"Why?" he raises an eyebrow and I yawn. 

"I'm an ugly annoying freshman." I chuckle, not believing a word I just said but I want to hear him say that's not true. 

"Oh that's bullshit." Ryan argues, giving me a nasty look and I smirk. 

"'S true." 

"You know it's not, you just want to hear me tell you how adorable you are." he rolls his eyes and mocks me, somewhat catching me off guard by the way he knew I was fishing for compliments. 

But adorable? 

I didn't expect that either. 

"You caught me." I say nervously, getting out my phone and seeing Kara texting me. 

_Kara: Where are you?_

_Kara: Why does the GPS say you were at Ryan's house?_

_Kara: ANSWER ME FUCKFACE!_

I roll my eyes and dial her number, Ryan opening his mouth to say something and I put my index finger in front of his face, earning a nasty glare. 

"Kara-" 

"-Where the  _fuck_ have you been?" she says before I can even get a second word out. 

"Kara I told you I'm with Ryan-" 

"-At his house? Alone?" her tone is loud, accusatory and the kind that makes guilt bubble in your stomach like carbonation in a soda. 

"I was with him, everything is fine." I answer and Ryan taps my arm, grabbing the phone and putting it on speaker. 

"That's what I was worried about!" Kara exclaims and Ryan raises an eyebrow in amusement, a smirk forming on his face. 

"What about me being alone with Brendon makes you so worried K?" he asks loudly, and Kara doesn't respond, mumbling a quiet "shit." 

"Ryan can you take it off speaker I want to talk to you?" She asks in her annoyed tone and Ryan sighs, shoulders slumping and puts the phone to his ear. 

"yes?"  he rolls his eyes "yes he can't hear." I made an angry face at him and he laughs, ruffling my hair while balancing the phone on his shoulder. 

"What is she saying?" I ask and he shushes me, pressing the phone closer and staring at the road again. 

"Kara you can't possibly believe I would...no of course not! I'm not an idiot." He rolls his eyes and mouths "psycho" to me and I giggle, watching his expression change time and time again.

"Oh my god you've got to be kidding me. We talked about this! I'm patient!" he growls, eyebrows furrowed and lips twitching downwards. I tilt my head to the side, like a dog trying to hear a siren better. 

"Yeah I know. Spencer's house. Yes. Everything was fine. No Kara I-" He laughs so hard I think he's going to choke, and he wipes his eyes and slows his driving. 

"Kara I would never." he chuckles, breathing ragged from laughter and I pout. 

"Can I hear?" I ask, and Ryan shakes his head.

"Not yet, sorry." he whispers and I slump down in the seat, staring ahead angrily. 

That's my phone anyway, that's not fair. 

They're talking about me, I should be able to hear. 

"My dad came home." Ryan says suddenly, and I can't hear anything on the other line. 

"-it was fine, nothing happened to him, George didn't see." Ryan informs her quickly, voice rushed and defensive. 

In a hurry to say I'm safe. 

He kept me safe, protected me. 

And he got hurt in return. 

"Nope. We snuck out before he could see him I- No Kara!" Ryan gasps, looking appalled. "Oh my god you have no trust in me, do you?" his tone sounds hurt, but his eyes are shining. 

"He'd never." Ryan laughs again, another real one and I stare at him until he catches my eye. When he does, he nods slightly and his expression falters. 

"Kara we're pulling up now," Ryan lies, winking at me and something in my stomach stirs, something bubbles up and suddenly I can't bring myself to look at him. 

Pathetic. 

The control he has over you. 

"Yeah, you wanna talk to him?" Ryan asks and then shoves the phone in my hand. 

"Yes?" I ask in a snarky tone, staring at the package of bubble gum still lodged in the cup holder. 

"What happened at Ryan's house?" Kara asks in a gentle tone and I shrug, even though she can't see me. 

"Nothing." 

"Brendon..." she says knowingly, the hum of her sewing machine in the backgound. 

It's put me to sleep before. 

"Nothing happened alright? We can talk about it when I get home." I say in a whiney voice and hating it. 

“Saying that we can talk about it insinuates that something happened. Is Ryan ok?” She asks and I open my mouth and look at him. 

“Um...yeah. He’s fine.” Ryan looks over at me curiously and I shake my head. 

“Fine. Fine, that’s all you two ever fucking say.” She spits sourly. “Whatever, we’ll talk later.” 

“Ok, see you later.” I respond, and with that Kara abruptly hangs up. 

“Wow ok.” I pretend to be shocked. 

Salty bitch. 

“Thot.” Ryan says simply and I burst out laughing. 

“Jesus Christ!” I chuckle, looking over at him and I catch a smile. 

“What did she want to talk about?” He asks and I shake my head. 

Not your house. 

Not your dad hitting you. 

“Nothing important.” I mutter and he stays quiet. 

If you knew why’d you ask? 

“What about you?” I ask “did she question your motives of taking me home with you?” I raise an eyebrow and Ryan laughs. 

“Of course.”

”It’s weird, she acts like you’re gonna jump on me the second we’re alone.” I laugh and Ryan joins in. 

“Yeah she can be that way.” 

“As if,” I roll my eyes “You’ve never even kissed anyone.” Ryan punches my shoulder and I hiss in pain. 

“Ow!” 

“Asshole!” He yells, laughing. “You’re one to talk.” 

“Actually, I have kissed a girl.” I say proudly and Ryan rolls his eyes and his posture breaks. 

“You want me to bake you a fucking cake?” He asks, eyebrows raised and I frown. 

How dare he. 

“Yeah actually. Last year with a girl I met at some party. Tongue and everything.” I boast, and Ryan goes quiet, the blush that had just recently retreated is now creeping back up his neck and ears. 

“Uh...congrats.” He says uncertainly, glancing at me quickly. 

“Thanks.” I smile to myself and remember it. She was so pretty, long black hair and light blue eyes. I never saw her again after that, it really was a shame. 

“Mmm.” He hums, staring at the road with a red face and I take advantage of his uncomfort. 

“It's a shame your dad came home before we could really get into it.” I say sarcastically, and Ryan turns to me faster then if I pulled his hair. 

“Brendon!” He gasps, and I laugh. 

“What?!” 

"Don't...say that!" he exclaims, face getting redder and redder by the second. 

I suppose I do have some power over him. 

"Geez sorry." I giggle, that wasn't really the reaction I was expecting from him. I thought he'd laugh, or brush it all. But the pink on his cheeks and the biting of his bottom lip ensues that the comment I just made was something he didn't want to hear. 

"You're so...half baked sometimes." Ryan says pointedly, and I cock my head. 

"Excuse me?" 

"You're just, you don't...pay attention." he struggles for his words, his eyes brows furrowed in frustration, still staring straight ahead, hand waving wildly to try and exemplify his point. I stare at my black and white Chuck Taylor's in disinterest, I'm not in the mood to be scolded. 

"I'm sorry." 

"I don't want you to apologize, I just want you to think." he retorts and I look at him, laying against the backrest and blinking up at the red on his neck. 

He has an enormous Adam's apple, my mom once pointed out. 

He doesn't want my apologies, he knows they're empty. 

I guess I shouldn't waste my breath then. 

"About what?" I play dumb, wanting him to continue his little rant, get it out. Let him throw his little hissy fit, maybe then he'll pull himself together and stop being a douche, 

"About yourself. Remember what we talked about the other day?" he asks, turning the wheel gently and we swerve to the left. I remember. How could I forget. He had said I was like him. 

What he is I don't know. 

But as we grow closer I'm starting to realize this; we are similar. 

I suppose we are the outliers, the minority of this place. 

We're of our own kind. 

"Yeah?" 

"I don't want to rush your growth this year, but it's just getting tedious." he sighs, and I purse my lips. Rush my growth, as if he's been that much of an impact on me already. 

Maybe he has. 

"Go ahead, rush it I don't care." I mutter, not thinking before I speak and he huffs beside me. 

Something's broken just now. 

We sit beside each other silently, like we're strangers forced into a cab together. 

"Ok." he says finally, and ok to what? He's going to rush, whatever this is now? Because if that's the case, go ahead. 

Change me into what I'm supposed to be. 

"Good." I respond bitterly, tilting myself away from him and I can practically  _feel_ the frustration rolling off of him in waves. 

"I just," he starts, pausing for dramatic effect or something like that. He has enough theatrical flare to make an argument this dumb seem exhilarating. "I don't want you to beat yourself up over something so simple." 

"And what's that?" I look over my shoulder at him and he shakes his head. 

"Not labeling you." is all he says, which opens my mind up to too many possibilities of what that could mean? 

Labeling me? 

What am I, an item in a grocery store? Fuck no, he can't just say that and not explain it. 

"Ryan." I stare at him and he glances at me, smiling innocently and his cheeks pull up, lips sheepish and gently tugging at his skin. 

"Yes?' he responds lightly, looking back at his windshield and I roll my eyes. 

"I hate to disappoint you, but I don't think I'm all you're cracking me up to be." My eyes search his face, looking for something. Anything. 

Tell me what the fuck you're thinking before I go crazy. 

"I trust myself." He bites his bottom lip and chews on the skin silently. 

This is unfair. I just...I just wanted an easy freshman year and out of nowhere he comes and hits me with this...confusion. This endless searching for something in myself and in him. I'm not smart enough for this. It's going to tear me apart, I know it will. 

And I'm going to let it. 

As simple as that, I don't care. This is going to break me, whatever it is I don't want to own up to and he knows. He's trying to prevent that from happening because he's done the same thing. He wants to play god, direct me around like I'm his doll and make me  _happy._

I don't if I want that or not. 

Scratch that, I want it. 

"Fine." I sigh, not particularly angry anymore, now just a little annoyed with him. 

Myself. 

We sit for another few minutes, listening to the radio. Some overplayed new rock blesses our ears, and Ryan's face lights up when the opening chords to a Beatles song starts. 

He's perfect. 

Literally perfect. 

He’s such a pretty-boy.

Both terms work for him. 

He’s just so _pretty._

All 5'11 inches of him, his long curly chestnut hair, golden hazel eyes, slender feminine body and the way he commands attention with such little space. The way his voice practically lulls me to sleep every time he talks and how warm his hands are whenever they touch me. His style, his music tatse, his fucking yellow vans that he wears everywhere. He's perfect. 

This isn't fair to me. God, why would you do this to me? I don't deserve it. 

Maybe I do. 

I close my eyes and think about him. It's harder when he's right there, it's harder to imagine him any other way then how he is. because he's real, right there, five inches away from me and all five inches that we are apart I feel it in my chest. It's better not to look at him, the longer I look the more that bubbly feeling fills up my stomach and I feel like throwing up. God, I can't even make eye contact without looking away faster then Sisky can apologize to him. Everyone loves him, he loves everyone. 

And I'm just supposed to sit here and pretend like he doesn't care about me? 

I think the fuck not. 

Ryan Ross circa sixth grade was one of the worst things to happen to me, and the best thing to happen to Kara. Kara had  _zero_ friends, and met Ryan at auditions for the middle school's production of  _Grease._ They were best friends immediately and the number of hours they've spent together is something I can't even imagine. Despite them being so close, I always hung back, stayed by myself most of the time. Only when we ate together, or we just so happened to do something as a group was when I hung out with Ryan, so the sudden change in balance has affected me more than I had anticipated. It's been too much of him at once, I'm not used to it. Sure I've known him, but I haven't really  _known_ him despite Kara and his friendship for the past six years. He's just an extra in the movie of my life and now he's a main character. 

It's weird. 

Maybe that's why I'm so awkward and tentative around him, maybe I'm intimidated. 

Or maybe it's coming from that feeling in my stomach, not my head. 

Ryan didn't go to Palo Verde his first year, he went to Bishop Gorman, which was a catholic school. 

I expect his dad got sick of, or just couldn't pay for it by the end of his freshman year. So Ryan was dropped off back at public school and it was the highlight of Kara's year. Sure they had been friends still, but the distance and time without him had put a strain on her, and their relationship until he was finally back. 

Sometimes he still wears his gym shirt from Gorman, sometimes Kara comes down to breakfast wearing it. 

That's where the family joke of "Kara and Ryan being a couple" came from. But they both deny it, and I've watched, I've analyzed. 

Ryan couldn't be _less_ romantically interested in her. 

"What's on your mind?" Ryan's voice cuts through my memories and I blink, opening my eyes and looking at him. the sun has started to go down, the golden light flooding the large truck and it highlights his face in smooth orange. 

"Nothing important." I sigh and he frowns, noticing my sudden drop in mood but doesn't comment on it. 

He knows what he's doing apparently, trusts himself. 

I guess I'm supposed to trust him to, whether I want to or not. 

"Alright then. We're pulling up now so you might wanna clear your head." he tuts and I nod, shaking my hair out of my face and yawning. Ryan looks over and smiles crookedly. 

"Tired?" 

"Mhmm." I hum, slapping the side of my head in an attempt to wake myself up and Ryan clicks his tongue. 

"That's not gonna help. Calm down just get a soda when we sit down it'll jazz you up." he chuckles, parking the car in the parking lot and I hop out, leaning against the trunk waiting for him to walk around the side. 

It's weird, walking into a public place just the two of us. It's odd. Because we aren't a thing because we aren't gay and Ryan and I walking into a restaurant together may make it look that way. 

So thank god for Sisky being by the door when we walk in. 

"Hey guys!" he says excitedly, nodding at me with a charming smile and turning to Ryan and taking a step back, looking at his face intently. 

“Ry...” He whispers, eyebrows furrowed and flickering over Ryan’s face. 

We all know what he’s looking at. 

“It’s nothing.” Ryan smiles “really.” 

“If you say so.” Sisky mumbles, nodding again and Ryan smiles. 

“Yep, everything’s fine.” I say, walking closer to Ryan and he looks over at me, directing a smile my way and throwing an arm over my shoulder. 

We hang out in the lobby for a few minutes, waiting for the other guys to show up and they do, sporadically walking in the door looking like raggedy teens in the wrong habitat. 

The sun is gone by the time we sit down, the five of us just talking about school, and musical and things of that nature. 

The moon is out by the time we're done eating, everyone hyped up from soda and pizza and ready to go to the second stop of Boys Night. I'm dragged out of my chair by Ryan who gives me my coat on the way out and I stumble to his car, barely keeping myself together. 

But I need to. 

Its only going to be a few more hours, video games and candy and gossiping and then Ryan will take me home and I can fall asleep, then talk to Kara in the morning on our way to school. 

Only a few more hours. 

"It's eight." Ryan observes, starting the car and pulling out of the Olive Garden parking lot. 

"Indeed." I respond, voice groggy and scratchy from laughing so much at dinner. They liked me, the wanted to know all about my classes, and Kara, and how things had been at Ernst. 

I had told them all of it and more, keeping them entertained and making them laugh. I wasn't the center of attention, but I came a close second and I really think they enjoyed having me around. 

I really hope they enjoyed having me around. 

"So what do you think about them?" Ryan asks, tousling his hair that had started to get matted down and I burst into a response immediately. 

"Well I love Sisky, he's a great listening and is good at keeping a conversation going. Spencer is chill, a very calm cool and collected person that I think could teach me a lot. He's sweet, like if I needed advice I could take it from his senior wisdom," I chuckle and Ryan laughs "Jon and Brent are nice, Jon is hilarious, I bet he's like that all the time, and Brent was friendly, but quiet. He seemed to be in a bad mood." I conclude and Ryan nods. 

"Good evaluation. I think everyone did a good job of including you and I'm glad you had fun. I noticed Brent too, he seemed a little bitter or something, like he didn't want to be there. He's probably just tired you know how it can be." 

"Yeah." I nod, turning up the heat in his car and Ryan hums randomly. 

"What parts do you think they'll get?" I ask and Ryan quirks an eyebrow, looking surprised and interested by the question. 

"I don't know. I think Jon will be the ring leader probably, and maybe Spencer the Duke. You and the others will get Christians band of friends most likely...they're good male parts, funny ones, but hopefully you and I don't have to battle for Christian." He laughs and I roll my eyes, leaning on the window. The glass is cool against my forehead and I shiver at the sudden icy temperature. 

"Ryan, you're getting Christian there literally isn't a question about it." 

"You really think so?" He asks and I nod. 

"Mhmm.

"well ok." He mutters, looking satisfied and hopeful and I know that he'll get the part, and that he's going to do amazing things with it. 

We pull up at Spencer's house a few minutes later, the house nice and higher middle class, near Ryan's but not too close. We let ourselves in, me kicking off my chucks and Ryan taking off his vans carefully, propping them by the door. He pops his head into the living room and says a good evening to Mrs Smith, introducing me and I wave with a sheepish smile. 

"Nice to meet you." She had said in a sugary sweet voice. She looks like Spencer, dirty blonde hair and piercing grey blue eyes. 

"Nice to meet you too." 

"the boys are downstairs." she says, nodding to the door "Good to see you, Ryan." she smiles at him warmly and I watch her. She's looking at him almost longingly, like she hasn't seen him in a while. 

Maybe she hasn't. 

"You as well." He smiles and tugs my arm, walking to a small windowed door near the kitchen.

Ryan leads me down a winding staircase to the basement, where the walls are painted bright blue and two leather sofas sit in front of a huge flat screen television. Spencer and Jon are already down there, sitting on the carpeted floor and immersed in a game of Mortal Kombat.

"Hey guys, Brent's on his way he wanted to change." Jon says absentmindedly, not even glancing a us to know who it is. "Sisky too, said his jeans were too tight." He adds with a laugh and Ryan chuckles, flopping down on the couch and wrapping a blue blanket with white Polka dots on it around himself. 

"I brought a change of clothes if you want some Brendon." He says randomly, and I stare at him. 

"Why?" 

"Cause you've been wearing skinny jeans all day and look like you needed some pj's." He says casually and I laugh softly. 

Um...come again?

"Sure I'll take some." I say on a whim, why not, you know? I’ll wear his clothes. Nothing weird about that.

He throws me his backpack and I catch it, walking around the corner to the back of the room where I strip off my shirt and put on a blue one from the bag, seeing the letters BG: PHSY ED. I roll my eyes, fuckibg classic. How ironic. Cautiously, I wipe it off, peeling off my jeans next and tugging on a pair of old ratty sweatpants. 

Ryan’s clothes almost fit me too well. He's skinny, very skinny, but I hadn't thought I was as well. Pajamas are supposed to be oversized, right? 

God I hope I don’t look as much like a twink as he does. 

I shrug to myself and walk back over, putting his bag on the ground and sitting on the couch in between where the two cushions meet and where the arm rest is. Ryan watches me and pretends not to, looking over at the tv but I see his lips upturn shyly. I lay on my side and sink in, closing my eyes for a few seconds until two pairs of feet thunder down the stairs. 

"Mortal Kombat? Sign me the fuck up! Brent exclaims, plopping down at Ryan's feet and grabbing a controller. Sisky perches his petite figure on the couch across from ryan and I, giving me a weird look and raising his eyebrows at Ryan. 

"What?" Ryan asks, and I can't see him but I know his voice and Sisky shrugs. 

"Brendon looks cold." Is all he says and Ryan rolls his eyes, unwrapping the blanket and putting it over me, where I sink into the warmth. 

"Thanks." I mumble and Ryan makes a noise of acknowledgement. 

A few minutes go by and my mind is distracted, buzzing with thoughts that I can't push away so I give in and drift off into space. 

I sit, in between the section where two tattered cushions meet, squished in between the material with my hands in my lap. Faint buzzing and murmurs from the tv tell me the game is still being played, yet I'm still so focused on the people around me. There's a boy to my left, sitting comfortably tucked into the squishy seats laughing along to the motions on the screen and I don't know why I agreed to this. My head keeps telling me I'm way too nervous to sit here and pretend like I'm calm, cool, and collected. I really want to jump as though I've been burned and leave the room. 

Take a breath, close your eyes. 

It gets warmer, though, and now I am burning. Both with blush and with the surrounding body heat. I snap back to life, he’s right there. He’s a lanky furnace. A thin soft blanket is draped across my knees and I check my phone quickly, it’s only 9. I check the tv, characters still battling fiercely and mumbles and exclamations are being made by the boys below me.

There's a war on the screen, much less violent then the war in my head.

Right when I feel as though I might faint from anxiety, there's a long thin arm outstretching over me and I feel the oncoming pressure of it being lowered and draped across my shoulders. There's comfortable heat, and a slight motion from his biceps pulling me closer to the side of his thin body, where I begrudgingly lean into and take refuge under his arm, where I'm safe. Safe and sound and belonging somewhere, even if it's just under his arm.

"You ok?” His voice is low, raspy and worried but just hushed enough so that only I can hear him.

"Y-Yeah, of course." I mumble, keeping my eyes on the tv, the coffee table, pretty much anywhere but him. 

Anywhere but him. 

Dont look at him. 

Dont you dare. 

“Alright, tell me if anything’s wrong.” He whispers and I nod, almost crying because how is he this fucking  _nice?_

“Ok, I will.” I assure him and I immediately feel his fingers tighten around my shoulder. 

I close my eyes and choke down a sigh. 

“You dont have to be afraid of me, you know?” He mumbles and I nod. Leaning against him more to which I feel his chest movements quicken. 

“I’m not.” 

“Ok good” he whispers back and I can hear him smiling yet I refuse to look at him. 

Don't you dare. 

"Miss me with that gay shit." Brent's giggling voice comes from below and Ryan kicks the back of his head. 

"Don't be a douche." He hisses and Brent grumbles in protest.

“What?” He whines and Ryan rolls his eyes.

”You know what.” He responds in a warning tone and I turn, blinking up at him. 

“What?” I ask quizzically, my head against his chest and Ryan opens his mouth, eyes flickering to my eyes then all over the room.

They come back around. 

“He’s being rude.” Ryan says nonchalantly and I nod, laying my head on his chest. 

I can feel his heart. 

He sees mine, I feel his. 

You can look, but you can’t touch. 

“Yeah but you shouldn’t kick him.” I say with clear disapproval in my voice. 

“Doesn’t mean I won’t.” He winks, and I roll my eyes. 

He tugs my hair. “Don’t be disrespectful.”

Pull my hair again.

do it I dare you. 

I _dare_ you. 

I huff, staring at the screen. Spencer is winning, by a lot, and Jon is screaming his head off and swinging his arms around as if that would make the character move faster. Spencer sits still, calculated, moving his thumbs quickly and stratigically. 

It shows what kind of people they are.

I’m more like Jon, throwing a fit because I’m not winning even when I know I’m not good enough. Whereas Ryan would be quiet, focused and set on winning. 

And he would. 

He always wins. 

I lose my sight again, as Jon loses another match and the skin on my eyes feels heavy and drooping so I stop trying to fight it and just give in, closing the lids just for a second. 

Theres a hum of conversation, music from the game and Ryan’s heartbeat. It’s fast, without pattern. It’ll be slow and steady and then I’ll yawn or roll my shoulders and it’ll pick up again, going insane inside of his chest almost like it’s trying to get out. 

“Ryan.” I mumble, blinking slowly and looking up at him.

”Hmm?” He doesn’t look at me so I tug on his shirt until he glances down “what?” 

In the light his eyes are darkened, looking more inky and amber compared to their usual lighter hue. It’s scary, he looks like a stranger. 

Then he ruffles his hair and blocks out the lamp from above him. His pupils dilate in the shade and he looks more familiar. 

“I’m going to fall asleep if I stay like this.” I say, tone half joking and half serious. I’m warning him. I almost fell asleep in his warm car, now I’m in his clothes that smell like him basically draped against him that smells like him and it smells so _good_ and it’s so _comfortable_ and _safe_ so it would be unrealistic to say I’m not sleepy. 

“Go ahead, I’ll wake you up before we have to go.” He says, completely unfazed by the situation and I blink again, slower this time and give up. 

I’m too tired for my mind to play tricks on me like this. Too tired to give myself the chance to make our position such a big deal. 

It isn’t a big deal, I’m just tired. 

So I press my head back against his chest, his long flat chest and I breathe in the smell of fading detergent and artificial strawberry. 

 

I wake up in Ryan's car. 

It’s almlst silent, the slow hum of a song I can identify yet playing in the background and Ryan is leaning on his arm against the window while he drives. I’m slumped against the chair leaning to my right, my hair against the window and hands in my lap. My lips feel chapped and raw and I lick them, blinking again and then realizing where I am and where I came from. 

"-W-what?!" I jump up, getting stopped abruptly by the seatbelt and Ryan jumps in suprise. 

"Oh, you're awake." He says nonchalantly and I rub my eyes and look around. 

The clock says 10:48. 

"I...what?" I rub my eyes and face him, he gives me a shy or tired smile I can't tell and turns down the radio. 

"You fell asleep after like two minutes of being in the car." He laughs and I blink rapidly, still in a daze. “It was probably the music I was playing.” He shrugs and I blink once more, twice. 

I remember the Killers. 

All These Things That I’ve Done. 

“W-what?” I repeat, staring at him while itching my head and he chuckles. 

You fell asleep at Spencer’s House so I had to shake you somewhere relatively awake and then you basically sleep walked out to the car and then passed out again.” 

“Oh. Where are we?” I ask and Ryan points at the road. 

“On our way to your house.” He says obviously, and I lean against the window, closing my eyes until I remember seeing the clock when I woke up. I sit up suddenly, making Ryan flinch and I look at the radio. 

“Ryan it’s 10:50.” I say worriedly and he tilts his head. 

“And?” He asks and I gesture to the clock multiple times with a concerned expression. 

“Ryan you have to been home by 11.” I repeat what his dad says and he sits still for a minute, biting his bottom lip and staring at the pitch black road before inhaling. 

“It’s ok.”

”No, it’s not!” I argue and he waves me down. 

“I can get you home in like five minutes.” He assures me and I let my mouth hang open. 

“Ryan that leaves you less than five minutes to get home.” I say weakly and he shrugs. 

"I did it to myself, it's fine I'll be fine." he mutters and I sniff, becoming more overwhelmed by the second. 

He'll get hurt. 

His dad is keeping track now. 

Ryan can't do this to himself. 

I won't be able to live with myself if something happens to him.  

"Ryan..." I whimper and he shakes his head, driving a little faster. 

"No." He says, persistent and I hate him like this. He needs to stop being so proud and admit that he needs to do things for himself. 

"Ryan!" I yell, sitting up and leaning forward so that I can face him and he can’t just turn away like I know he will. "Turn the car around." 

"Brendon stop it's-" 

"-Not fine! Kara's right that's all you ever say! Fine, fine fine! But it isn't!" I cry, breathing starting to speed up and he looks at me with wide eyes. 

"Brendon-" he begins to argue and I shake my head, borderline hyperventilating.  

"-Stop being so goddamn stubborn! You're...you’re...acting like a child!" I exclaim wildly, eyes blown and Ryan looks at me, purses his lips and they tremble, causing his eyes to cast down. 

He doesn’t want to show his weakness. 

He’s so predictable, it would surprise me if he even admitted I was right. 

"But..." he trails off, not able to find the words to continue the argument. 

"-Please Ryan." I plead, putting my hand on his knee and he tenses immediately.  He sucks a breath in and looks at me, and I can feel my face starting to crumple. I can’t breakdown I can’t he can’t see me like that I just need to keep calm and convince him. 

I bite my lip to keep it from trembling and he watches, his eyes darting over my face, darkened by the dim lighting and he’s that stranger again. 

“Ryan.” 

He comes up to a turn and stops, pulling into someone's driveway and backing out, turning and driving back the way we came. 

It's 10:54. 

"I just don't know how you're gonna get home..." he mumbles and I get out my phone. 

"Kara can come get me." I say quickly and he shakes his head. 

"And my father won't notice?" he asks, voice a wreck sounding helpless and defeated. 

"I....we can figure something out." I say quietly and he exhales slowly. 

"You can just stay?" he says, voice high and nervous, suggesting that I stay. 

I stay. 

And I sleep in his house. 

"Ryan-" I start, furrowing my eyebrows "Your dad will notice Kara's car, but he won't notice another  _human_ in your house?" 

"He'll be drunk." Ryan says simply, trying to plan it all out in his head. "He'll be suspicious sure, but if we're quiet and careful he'll probably pass out in front of the tv like always." The way that he talks about this, so casual, such a typical Thursday night and my heart aches for him. 

Is he always this alone? 

“I...ok.” I text Kara what happened and she tries calling but I lie and tell her my phone is about to die, but it’s only to save me and Ryan from a too-long rant about how she doesn’t trust us. She doesnt like it, not one bit. That was expected of course, but if me staying over means that both me and Ryan are safe, she agrees that would be best. 

I’m still getting my ass beat before homeroom tomorrow though. 

"Ok so we have like, four minutes to get there, we can get there in three if I speed." Ryan says, and I sniff, still recovering from my miniature meltdown and he looks over at me and frowns, looking guilty. 

"I'm sorry. I should've paid more attention to the time, I should have let the guys know I'd be leaving early and-" 

"-I should've been awake to remind you." I mumble and Ryan shakes his head. 

"No. No this isn't your fault at all it's mine I just didn't want to wake you because you looked so comfortable and I felt bad." he chuckles lightly and I frown. 

Why couldn't I have just stayed up? I was only asleep for an hour and a half, and now we're in a rush and panicking because Ryan needs to get home in  _three_ minutes and we're still about a mile away. 

"Still partially my fault." I argue and he clicks his tongue. 

"I'm telling you it isn't but if you want to believe that then go ahead." he sighs and I huff, wiping my eyes that had started to leak. 

"Ok." 

Ryan turns a corner, and we're about four houses away from Ryan's and he turns to me. "So when we get there I'm gonna sprint inside and see if the coast is clear, and then you'll sneak around back and I'll let you in window." his plan is a simple, cliche movie scene type scenario and I would say that out loud except people only sneak into other people's houses when they are promised the possibility of sex. 

And I'd never say that out loud in a million years. 

We pull up at 10: 58, Ryan scrambling out of the car and up the front steps. He gestures to the backyard and I creep around, in case his dad is looking out windows or some kind of secret service agent shit like that, and sit underneath Ryan's bedroom window. 

I suddenly remember that he left the windows open when we left, and I stand up and push them opening, standing on my tip toes and hiking one leg up the side of his house and pull myself through the square opening. Once I'm inside I sit on the floor where I had been earlier and press my ear against the wall. 

The front door closes, the noise echoing throughout the house and I hear gentle footsteps "Hey dad." Ryan mutters, and Mr Ross mumbles something. 

"One minute to spare, cutting it close George." 

I bite my lip and pray that he goes by the name, I pray he doesn't make it hard on himself. 

"I wouldn't been back earlier, but there was an accident in town." He lies through his teeth, and his dad clicks his tongue the way Ryan does when he acknowledges something. 

They're similar in some ways. 

The impulsivity, the temper. 

"Is that so?" He asks, sounding interested and Ryan says "yeah."

"Alright. Well it's late George, get to bed I'll be out before you wake up." Mr Ross replies and Ryan mumbles something that sounds like a "goodnight." And I hear the gentle footsteps again. 

I press against the wall just to stay hidden, in case something happens and I need to be relatively unseen. Ryan opens his door and shuts it immediately, leaning his back against it and closing his eyes as he slides down slightly. 

"Don't fuck this up," he mumbles to himself, "Just calm down this isn't a big deal." He takes a deep breath in and let's it out, opening his eyes and honey colored irises land straight on me. 

His mouth falls open and his face turns bright red. "How did you-" 

"-You left the windows open." I respond innocently, looking at him like I didn't just hear him giving himself a pep talk. 

"Sorry I..." he looks at the door "Um...George can get on my nerves sometimes." He deflects the conversation immediately and I nod understandingly. 

"It's ok." I say gently and he nods, more to himself then me and paces the room, shutting the windows and I stand, wandering to the middle of his room while he turns on the fan, closes open drawers, turns on the bathroom light and starts the sink. 

"So um..." he looks me up and down. "There's a sleeping bag in the hall closet I can grab, and-" he starts then cuts himself off. "...You don't want to sleep on the floor, do you?" He asks, knowing the answer and I'm shocked he could tell that I was disgusted by the idea of it by my straight face 

"N-not particularly." I say shyly and Ryan chuckles, running a hand through his hair. 

"There's a guest room being used for storage and I'd probably get my ass beat for messing around in there at 11 at night, besides it wouldn't work out anyway. I'll sleep on the floor." He nods to himself and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him and I try my very best to hold back a massive, dissatisfied frown. 

He returns, with a small black sleeping bag and spreads it on the floor. "You can use whatever you want in the bathroom, there's toothbrushes under the sink and soap in the shower, he points to the bathroom door connected to his bedroom and I nod. 

"Ok, thanks." I make my way into the small room and shut it, looking for a lock and when there is none, I take a leak anyway, washing my face with pear scented soap that smells incredibly good, and brushing my teeth with a green toothbrush and Mint toothpaste, putting it next to the blue one in the holder. 

Ryan and I's toothbrushes. 

It looks like I live here. 

It amuses me, staring at the two sticks leaning on each other. It satisfies something in my stomach that's been feeling empty and achey all day. 

I don't know why. 

I open the door back up, and step into his room, seeing- oh. 

Ryan is standing by his closet throwing his dirty clothes in a hamper. He's wearing only a pair of long red flannel pajama pants, and they're old, obviously old. They ride low on his waist, no hips really holding them up and I tear my eyes away before he can see me staring at the trail of dark brown hair that starts just below his belly button and ends somewhere I can't imagine right now. 

"You done?" He asks, and I nod, swallowing thickly and he smiles with close lips, pushing past me to use the bathroom. 

I stand in the middle of his room, confusion and frustration overtaking my mind.

He-he can't _do_ that. 

He can't stand there half naked and let me look, can't just...

Am I supposed to get in his bed now?! 

I whimper to myself quietly, glancing at the shut door and I lock it impulsively, just for good measure. 

Tentatively, I peel back his black duvet and sheets, moving the pillows out of the way until there's only two, and the other two are on the sleeping bag. 

I feel so fucking bad. 

I grab my phone from the pocket of his sweats and text Kara a goodnight. She replies with a heart and I sit down, getting under the sheets and going to my Snapchat because Patrick won't fucking believe what's happened to me today. 

I went from complaining about Ryan Ross four days ago to sneaking into his bedroom and sleeping over. 

Patrick will eat this shit up. 

Ryan emerges a few minutes later with damp hair from the sink and bloodshot eyes. 

He's so visibly tired. His cheek is still tinted dark red, it'll be darker tomorrow but I suspect he'll cover it up. 

"So...goodnight." He says, stretching and tugging at his pants, getting on the floor. 

"...goodnight." I mumble, voice ragged and quiet, barely audible and I lay on my side, face directly above the pillow and fuck I'm surrounded by his smell. 

His smell is on my body, in my nose, on top of me and below. 

And fucking hell its intoxicating.

It smells like clothes the second day you wear them, worn and still remotely clean, but you're scent has clung to them and it's clearly identifiable. 

I'll smell like him tomorrow. People will notice, will comment. 

People will wonder why that freshman Ryan Ross has been hanging out with so much is wearing his blue sweatshirt to school and smells just like him. 

I won't know what to say. 

Ryan will though. 

Ryan can deflect rumors well, unwanted questions too. 

He's proved that so far. 

He reaches above him and turns off the light, the bulb flickering before it goes dark and I lay alone in his queen sized bed that hasn't quite gotten warm yet. The sheets are still cool and foreign to me and feel like they're brand new and unfamiliar and I hate it. I hate it so much and I can't do anything about it. 

Footsteps sound in the living room and bottles clink and the tv sporadically flicks through channels. Deep, irritated groans getting loud then soft and back again. I close my eyes and try to breathe, yet I'm terrified of this place and wish I was at home.

He's right below me and I feel so alone. 

After a few minutes I find myself blinking back tears. I wish I was home , in my bed with my pillows and my family. Not here with a dangerous man in the other room and the only person I want right now just out of my reach. 

I roll over onto my back, staring at the ceiling and my eyes adjusting to the dark. I can see now, can make out Mark Hoppus's face on the wall, John Lennon's and Paul Mccartney's. 

I can see trees out his window. 

I can see everything. 

The empty space beside me is too wide, I'm not used to the room, the luxury of having a big bed like this but he is older and taller so it'll come in time. 

Its still cold though. 

Cold and empty. 

A glass is thrown into the sink, all the way in the kitchen I hear the shatter and the water start to run. 

I can't do this, I just can't. 

Not on my own. 

I lean over the side of the bed, staring at him laying on his back with his eyes closed, his lip caught between his teeth, the bones working it between them. 

"Ryan." I whisper and his eyes fly open, staring at me without expression. 

"What's wrong?" He asks, releasing his lip from the teeth's death grip and I shake my hes, grateful for the dark that hides my shameful blush. 

"I...I can't do this." I say in a much more desperate tone then i had anticipated. 

"What?" He sounds confused, a hint of alarm and I bite the inside of my cheek. 

"It's...your bed." I say stupidly "it's too big and cold and I feel wide awake all the sudden I won't be able to fall-" 

"-Ok shh..he sits up, the bag pooling in his bare lap and my eyes flicker back up to his face. "It's ok, you're fine it's just a new room you'll be ok." He tries to comfort me and I take a deep breath, the air shaking and stuttering on the exhale.

"Hey, hey shhh it's all gonna be fine. I'm here, right here nothing is gonna happen to you." He coos, and I shake my head with a pathetic whine. Ryan sighs and cocks his head, pupils blown and big and black. 

"Brendon, you-you can't..." he stares at me and I hold my breath. I can't be acting like such a baby I don't know why I'm acting like such a baby right now. 

"Ryan," I beg for the second time in the last thirty minutes. "Please." 

I don't know what I'm asking for exactly, and Ryan seems to know so I let him elaborate for me.

"You seriously can't sleep on your own?" He asks, tone accusatory yet I hear amusement hidden in the words and I nod shyly, not keeping eye contact and I know it. 

"I can't believe you're making me do this." He sighs incredulously, standing up begrudgingly and standing next to the bed. 

"Scoot over." He mutters and I do, almost pressing against the wall and he climbs into the bed, under the sheets and I can feel is heat already, the smooth skin of his bare torso rubbing my shirt and his hand grazing my arm as he pulls the sheets up. 

"Pathetic." He teases, looking over at me and I blush. 

"Thank you." Is all I say and he huffs, turning over onto his back and I lay on mine as well. The heat is there now, the smell almost overwhelming. 

Its all Ryan. 

I sigh, clutching his sheets until I give into the temptation and just roll over onto my left, facing him and curling into his shape. Ryan noticed, of course he does, and the bed creaks as he puts his arm around me. Just to let me know he's there. The most simple touch being just enough and I sigh. 

"Goodnight." 

And just like earlier, he mumbles something that sounds like a goodnight, to which I close my eyes and fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The guy I like said hi to me in the hallway today and i was too busy listening to Say Amen I didnt hear him and was later informed by my friend who heard him and now I feel like a complete jack Ass and he probably hates me now so...


	6. Friday

"Brendon," Ryan says, taking a step forward and cupping my cheek. "Don't listen to them. You're perfect." 

I look at the floor "No I'm not. If I was perfect I wouldn't gotten a good part and you're friends would congratulate me and we would all get along for the rest of the year and be best friends." 

"Just because you didn't get a lead doesn't mean you aren't any less perfect." Ryan argues and I scowl. 

"Yes it does!" 

He licks his lips, grabbing my arm and pulling me around the corner where no one is loitering. "You're perfect Brendon. Absolutely amazing and if you don't believe that, then I don't know what to do with you." 

"I guess you can just cast me away." I mumble, gaze lowering back to my feet but thin fingers pull my chin back up, curling around my jaw. 

"You need me to show you just how special you are?" He asks, eyebrow raised and I tilt my head, confused. 

"How?" 

"Like this." And Ryan's fingers slide behind my neck and into my hair, pulling me closer to him and with closed eyes I feel a hand on my waist, holding me tightly and he comes closer, shifting his jaw to the right and we- 

I flinch, my eyes snapping open and I'm not standing up, I'm laying down. Gravity has shifted, my mind feels heavy and clouded. I blink three times and see fuzzy shapes start to come into view, faces. 

The first thing I see is Paul McCartney smiling down at me from across the room. 

Ryan's room. 

I'm still in Ryan's room. 

It’s still dark outside, very dark, and I look at his bedside table to read the clock sitting there.

3:12 AM. 

We don’t have get up until 6:50 at the latest, and I was so tired last night. I’ve only had a little bit of sleep in the past 20 hours, and I’ve been awake for most of it. A quick nap on Ryan at Spencer’s house, and an interrupted sleep at Ryan’s House. I look around, everything is how it was left. the drawers shut, bathroom door closed, my backpack on the ground by his door that's shut and locked. 

I need to fall back asleep. 

I sigh, exhaling slowly and closing my eyes. Holy fucking shit what was that dream and why did my mind even make that kind of crazy shit up? 

I don't remember doing acid or any hardcore drugs last night. No coke, not even weed so how am I having such bat shit crazy hallucinations?

My body slumps, going limp again after the sudden scare and I rub my face against Ryan's pillow. It feels weird, like there isn't a case on it, like it's softer and silkier and I open my eyes to examine it. 

Its not a pillow. 

Its skin. 

I'm laying on Ryan's chest, my cheek between his pectoral muscles and when my brain registers this, the rest of my body wakes up. 

My arms are wrapped around his bare torso, hugging tightly and heated from the furnace inside of him. One of my legs is draped across his, curling around his middle in a comprimising position, and I internally scream my lungs out.  

This isn’t my fault, necessarily. It happened in the night and was probably triggered by me being scared and cold, and Ryan being a warm body. That’s all there has to be to it. I’d do the same with anyone, anyone would do the same. 

But have a dream about them at the same time? Now I’m not so sure. 

I remember being frightened, cold and vaguely how I begged him to get in the bed with me. I remember it more now. 

God I was desperate for him. 

But we didn’t fall asleep like this, that’s for sure. When we were coherent there was little touching, very little touching so it just have been a trick of the full moon or something. 

It’s skin on skin, my face touching his smooth soft chest, and it obviously has been for a while because his skin is reddening and almost raw from the condensation of my sweat and his dry skin. My right arm is thrown over his chest and around his side, holding onto him tightly and it’s the main culprit in this position, the thing that's holding it together. My left arm under his back, which sucks for him cause that's probably uncomfortable but I don't really care at the moment. 

My leg is on his crotch.

there are more important things then his back pains. 

I sit up, or try to, propping myself up slightly on my elbow that's digging into the mattress. I turn to my left, studying Ryan. He's laying on his back, the way he started and it seems I've moved much more than he has, and used him as a pillow of some sort. His head is laying to the left, chin pointing up and mouth slightly open, breathing gently and quietly. His hair is just long enough to touch the pillow, curls winding around his ears and the perimeter of his head. His lips are curled slightly, smiling softly and I wonder what he's dreaming about. 

Hopefully not the same thing I was. 

I poke his cheek, feeling the smooth soft skin. Aged, he's past the point of puberty and zits. It's all smooth and chiseled and structured perfectly. 

His fucking jawline oh my god. 

There are some times when I can compose myself, study him carefully and analyse the beauty and natural attractiveness of his face. I can appreciate it, look at it from a lovers point of view, a lyrical point of view. Describe it in a way that sounds like romantic poetry, saying his eyes are like tea with honey and his mouth is enticing in the way it's so gently parted ever so slightly. I could say it's disgusting how perfect he is, how the beauty mortifies me. I can write it down, keep it forever so that when he's gone I can memorize the lines of his face in a way that's admirable and affectionate. 

But sometimes I just can't help myself.

His fucking jawline oh my god. 

I touch it tentatively with a gentle finger, tracing it down his neck and his eyelashes flutter, mouth twitching. 

I pull back slowly, laying back down resuming the position I woke up in. 

Honestly, I can't believe this. I really can't. So many things have happened leading up to this Friday morning and I'm exhausted, exhausted and overwhelmed completely. I don't have the time nor the mental capacity to be scared or anxious about this position, so I savor it and enjoy it in a way I wouldn't be able to if. i was in my right mind. His chest continues to move gently and I feel like such a creep, touching him this way. 

I'm not the only culprit however, because I'm being pulled to his side by his arm, a heavy limb that's asleep on top of my shoulder, fingers splayed over the skin touching as much as it can and I try not to breathe in case I bother him. Things are coming back now, I remember him putting that arm there, pulling me close while I shivered with both chills and a slight sense of insecurity in his house. He had been doing what I wanted and I just melted into it, didn’t I? I took advantage of this kindness and now we’re in this position and it’s not what I expected. I don’t know what to do about it to be completely honest. I shift a little and feel a controlling hand on my waist, holding it tightly, pressing me to him and now I know where my mind got the idea to come up with that in the dream. 

Thanks a lot Ryan. 

“Fuck.” I mumble against his skin, the ripples of his breathing going up and down, carrying my head with it and if I wasn’t freaking out about this right now I’d have to admit it’s pretty warm, pretty comfortable. 

Pretty cute too. 

But as of right now I'm glued to his shirtless frame and I can't do anything about it. 

It takes only a few seconds for me to realize just how  _tired_ I still am. My eyes are still heavy and no matter now irked I may be in this compromising position, I'm still tired and I still have school in a few hours so I should just relish this while I can. It'll be the last time I ever do this most likely, sleep with Ryan. 

Sleep next to Ryan. 

Sleep  _on_ Ryan.

I close my eyes again, the darkness now much more enveloping. His heart is slow, steady, the opposite of how it was when he was awake. Two thumps, pause. Two thumps, pause. 

Two thumps- 

 

"...Brendon..." a foggy voice calls, and I huff and shake my head. 

It's too early to get up, I'm still so tired. 

"Brendon..." It repeats, muffled and sounding like it's coming from the back of a hallway, or underwater. 

I mumble a half-assed word that sounds a little bit like "No." but it's more just like a groan. 

"Brendon!" the voice repeats gently, but louder this time and I feel like I'm falling, falling thirty, thirty thousand feet and I jerk to life. 

"H-Hello?" the strangled word leaves my lips and I blink rapidly, light flooding my vision and I feel drunk. 

"Jesus I thought you were dead." Ryan says, and I know it's him because vibrations rumble against my cheek and I close my eyes and groan long and loud. 

Ironic.

I kind of wish I was dead 

He laughs softly, voice groggy and ragged from hours of no use and I try to wake myself up but it's still so  _early_ and his body is still so  _warm_ I think I'd rather die then leave the bed. 

His skin is softer this time around, and much more sticky with sweat which makes it increasingly more uncomfortable then earlier. I open my eyes and see skin. So much skin just skin and the thin silver chain he wears around my neck. 

I have traveled up. 

My face is in his neck, my nose rubbing the skin and as I squirm Ryan laughs lightly, the skin still ripping under my cheek. 

You're really screwing yourself, aren't you Brendon? 

Almost as if you  _want_ to. 

"Good morning." I mutter into his skin and he tries to roll his shoulders back and I whine, clinging to him and digging my face into the crook of his neck.

"Brendon," he laughs, trying to pry me off him "I had a really good nights sleep too but we have to go to school." he teases, his morning voice raspier then it already is when he's fully awake and adjusted. It sounds manly, rugged, sexy. When I don't move he sighs, carding his fingers through my hair. 

"Can we just not though? We can skip it's a Friday," I protest and then pause. "It is Friday right?" my eyes open and I look up at Ryan. 

"Yes it's Friday, but we can't skip. Kara will freak out, and the school will call your parents, and I'll get in trouble for encouraging you..." he rolls his eyes and I groan angrily. 

"fuck that." I mumble and he chuckles. 

"Yeah..." he  pauses and then bucks his hips slightly in an attempt to get me to unlatch my arms from around his torso. "It's ok, you were getting me extremely sweaty so I need to shower." In response to this sentence I shake my head in opposition, repositioning my face and looking back down at his chest, my lips accidentally grazing his adams apple. 

Ryan twitches momentarily, it's not a coincidence.

This is going somewhere I hadn't expected. 

The thing is, I'm too tired to care. 

I feel safe with him. 

I care about him. 

He cares about me.

There shouldn't be anything wrong with that, right?

"-B-brendon," he stutters, heart starting to gradually beat crazier and faster then ever. "stop" 

I sigh, breath against his neck and watch the goosebumps sprout on his chest and lower stomach. "What do you mean?" 

He huffs, body stiffening and breathing erratic. "Just get off." 

"Why?" I ask, dragging my bottom lip down his soft skin and his voice hitches when he tries to respond. 

"B-because you just..." he tries to get up but flops against the sheets when I weigh him down. "you don't know what you're doing." he eventually mutters and I look up at him. 

Hes right. 

I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going with this. I don't know what I want, and I have an idea of what he wants but it's not for sure and I could be wrong about all of this, my own emotions included. 

He looks absolutely miserable. His teeth worrying his lip between them and his hair matted down on his forehead with sweat. there's some air about this, restraint. Something being suppressed. 

He's trying to hard to hold something back. 

"I have an idea." I reply in a tone that suggests I do indeed know what I’m doing because if he thinks he’s been slick the past few days he’s most definitely wrong. 

He's been wrong and I've been lying. 

To him, to myself. 

Less lying to myself and more trying to convince myself otherwise.

He grips his hair with one hand propped up against the pillow, looking at the ground before looking up and registering what he's hearing. His eyes widen before they scrunch up in confusion, his lip pulling up on the right  corner to bare teeth in a extremely puzzled expression. His eyebrows furrow with a tilted head and if I could freeze that moment and play it back over and over I would just to watch him make that oh so incredibly attractive face. "You do?" 

"Mhmm.” I mumble and he scoots up slightly, strength surprising me as he drags me up along with him. 

“What do you think you have figured out?” He asks lightly and I shrug, dragging my nose along his collar bone. He shivers and I smirk, smiling against his skin once again.

"Can we please stay in bed just a little longer?" My tone low and more suggestive then I was aiming for and Ryan pales, his fight or flight reaction kicking in and his jaw drops, eyes widening more, a straight up picture of innocent looking shock and it's just encouraging me more. 

"N-n-no..." he stutters, inching up and flattening himself on the headboard. His eyes are blown, pupils expanding in the dim light. " _Brendon_." It's a warning, that much is clear, but I don't care. 

All I want is him. 

That's it, he's all I want. 

I can't believe I didn't realize this sooner. 

"Ryan please," I whine, knowing that the word gets me where I want to be and he shakes his head rapidly, not looking at me. 

He is a vision of sheer panic.  

"Brendon you don't know what you're asking for..." he mumbles, trying to stand up and I crawl up his chest, eyes wide and scared. 

Scared he doesn't want this, doesn't want me. 

"I, I do." I argue, knowing what he's trying to say but ignoring it completely. He's trying to say that I don't know what I want. Emotionally, he doesn't think I'm ready for whatever I'm trying so desperately trying to tear out of him. 

He said it himself he "doesn't want to rush my growth." 

But I can rush it, I'll rush it if I want to. 

"No, you don't." he protests, gripping my waist to flip me off of him and I let my guard down at the unexpected touch in such a sensitive place. It's just enough time for him while I'm discombobulated to move me away and scramble off the bed, to his feet where he stands shakily. His hair is a mess, like a tornado hit it and it's flying all around him. Bed head, sex hair. Brown curls framing his thin face. 

God he's so beautiful. He's 17 and he looks like a grown man. So tall, slender, and strong where the muscles are just oh so faintly poking through thin milky skin. His tousled appearance, the way his lips are parted in shock and his eyes wide and dark, innocent and puppy dog like. flannel pajama pants are pulled down from the frantic almost rolling around, and I can see the hem of grey boxers with a black band at the top inching out from under the worn fabric. My eyes flicker up and down, landing back on his eyes, still so  _fucking_ dilated in the light our rising sun is providing. I let my smirk dissolve into sheepish smile. 

"Yes I do." I insist stubbornly, feeling my face crumpling as if I'm about to have a tantrum and Ryan quirks an eyebrow at me. 

"Seriously?" he asks incredulously, and I nod frantically. "Brendon calm down." he snaps, and I breathe out of my nose harshly.

He edges me on. 

He's always edging me on. 

I don't feel bad, he knows what I want and he doesn't want to give it to me. His eyes are worried, staring down at me. He wants this, whatever "this" is but something's stopping him. He keeps holding back why the fuck can't he just sit back down? 

"Why are you being like this?" I exclaim, scrambling onto my knees tangled in the duvet and Ryan stands as still as a statue. 

"I'm trying to do the right thing." he says strictly and I whimper, determined and not ready to give up because he's so close to cracking I can tell by the way his fingers twitch, itching to touch my face.  

My eyes get heavy and they lower, lidded and even more desperate then before. I inch forward, movements tentative but with purpose. Ryan's eyes follow me, not stepping away, not a word being said and I know that this situation is messy and dangerous. I do one thing wrong and everything will go to shit. 

"For crying out loud, settle down."  Ryan sighs and I blink a minimum of five times. 

"N-no!" I cry, shaking my head in defiance and grabbing his hip bones, guiding him towards me and I look up at him to see a slight roll of his eyes, and he bites his lip in irritation and what the fuck he can't give me a look like that and then try to get me to  _stop._  I sigh quietly and rest my head against his lower stomach, trying to compose myself because I'm realizing how strong I'm coming on. Ryan shivers under me again, his body vibrating in waves. The position I'm in, almost like I'm hanging my head, fits particularly well. I'm ashamed. The way I'm acting, treating him like he'd bend at my will like this when he's just trying to slow me down. 

Get a grip on yourself. 

"W-what are you doing?" Ryan asks, voice shaky. I shrug, nuzzling the bare skin with my forehead and he puts a hand in my hair, inching it back with a rough grip that makes my eyelids flutter. "Don't think you're going there." 

My eyes widen at this sentence, and my face whips up to his, the first time I've blushed so _hard_ in front of him. He realizes what he just said, and how it's visibly obvious that I had no intention of doing that, and the blush goes from my face to his. 

"I...I didn't mean to-" he stutters, face now beyond red and I take his flustered state and make it useful, grabbing his bony wrist and pulling him back down onto the bed. he makes a defeated face, realizing that I'm not going to give this up anytime soon. He sits staring at me almost longingly. A sigh escapes his lips and I look up at him through lidded eyes and he does the same. 

We connect at last. 

I take his still body language as permission to crawl towards him, slowly inching him back against the wall and he doesn't resist this time. 

I win. 

And with that mentality I climb into his lap and stare at him, just stare. 

He stares back. 

The sun is still coming up, rays slowly beaming into the room through his open windows and it doesn't yet shine on us, we're still hidden. Still in our own little world and not yet disturbed by the light of the world around us. My eyes are apologetic, at least I hope they are, and I reach out with gentle fingers and stroke his jaw. He closes his eyes, and I swear to god he leans into the touch. 

I swear to god. 

I've never been this close, this intimate, this emotionally invested in another human, definitely not another boy and I like it, I like it a lot. 

"I'm there." I whisper, remembering what he told me Tuesday. "You said I wasn't there yet but I'm there, I'm there." I repeat, staring at him, desperate for some kind of acknowledgement, some understanding, and I don't get it. 

"Are you?" he asks, eyes dark and searching in my face for something I want to give him so badly if he doesn't find it. 

Tell me, tell me what you're looking for and I'll give it to you.

"I wouldn't lie." I mutter, eyes flickering to his nose, to his throat where breath is jumping in the small space, adam's apple bobbing. 

Limp hands on the ground find their way to my hips, my waist, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants and the skin under. I let my eyes flutter slightly, not closing but still reacting to the touch I've been craving for what seems like hours. Fingertips graze their way up my sides and I fail when trying to choke back a high pitched whimper. He's not shy of a spark, he isn't going to be sub par and this I've known since Monday but I'm just realizing it again. 

Ryan's fingers slide back together to make a palm and it cups my jaw, leaning my face left and right, smirking at me while doing so. He tilts it up and down, eyes flickering all over my face, only making eye contact briefly. He's studying me closer, closer and closer. His palm travels up to the left side of my face, his right, and it outstretches, hand holding the back of my head and his thumb stroking the skin next to my ear affectionately. 

I'm staring at his lips, just staring at how they're parted so gently agape and how pink they are. Ryan tilts my head up and looks at me with big eyes. They look apologetic, but say something much different. It's like he's asking for permission without saying a word. 

And I blink, nodding ever so slightly. 

His fingers stretch out, gaining more access to my hair and the back of my neck, pulling me towards him quicker then I imagined he would. My hands stay in my lap, bracing my knees for support because I'm not sure what to do with them. He tilts his head to the left, pushing mine the opposite way and our faces are too close for comfort I almost consider pulling back because his eyes are closing and mine aren't and this isn't how it's  _supposed_ to be but it's happening too fast for me to counter his actions and our lips connect before I can take a breath. His nose brushes mine as our faces merge, my eyes closing and his face is so  _soft_ againstmine _,_ and his lips are so  _plush._ Ican't breathe so I inhale through my nose sharply thinking that's ok and Ryan smiles into the kiss, his teeth clicking mine. I raise an eyebrow with closed lids in amusement., the feeling so incredibly odd in my mouth. 

Theres nothing like this, it's so specific in the way it feels physically and emotionally and I want more, I need more.

And he pulls back. 

I'm left sitting in his lap with doe eyes and parted lips, my hands falling into my lap and I blink up at him. He looks like a mirror image. Eyes blown, hair still a mess and lips pinker then they were before  _that_ happened. 

I guess I'm allowed to say we kissed. 

We kissed. 

_He and I kissed._

And I stare at his glazed over eyes as this thought registers in my mind, my heart thumping through my chest and something that's been bubbling in my stomach boils over. 

I surge forward and kiss him back. Aggressive, my hand flies up and cups his jaw, pulling it, pulling  _him_ as close as he'll come and gripping the long curling hair, feeling it twist around my fingers. He isn't shocked, reciprocating immediately and wrapping an arm around my lower back, yanking me farther into his lap and kissing back fiercely, head tilting one way then the next, mouth opening repeatedly and he blindly guides my leg over his hip so I'm straddling him. Ryan takes control from here, one hand around my waist and one behind my neck this time, fingers carded through the hair at the bottom of my neck and he pulls slightly, forcing a whimper out of me. I didn't expect that, but it seems he had it planned and t's not the only thing he wants to do. 

I almost pull back when I feel his tongue in my mouth, eyebrows pulling together and eyes squeezing shut. 

"I thought you've given tongue before." he teases breathlessly and I let out a strained whine. Of course he knew that was a lie, nosy motherfucker.

"-Was just trying to impress you." I mumble, face reddening at the confession and he hums in response, sounding satisfied and tugging my hair again. It hurts a little bit, the pressure of yanking my hair out but he does it slow and focused.

He's always so focused.

He licks around my mouth, not into it. He traces the skin on my outer and inner lip and I struggle with the feeling at first, unsure of how to reciprocate and he senses this, pulling away slightly and pressing his forehead against mine briefly. I take a breath and stare down at him, utterly bewildered. He huffs and pulls me closer from where I've inched away at his earlier intrusion, and now I'm  _right_ on top of him. he eyes me steadily, and swiftly pushes his lips against my already open mouth, licking the rim almost hesitantly and then immediately pulls back, looking at me expectantly.

_Me first, then you go._

I lick my lips, eyebrows furrowed in panicked confusion and I inch forward, too slow for him and he grabs my arms and forces them around his neck, bringing us closer. 

_C'mon, I already went now you do it._

I breathe against his cheek for a few seconds, leaning my head against his for support until I feel comfortable enough to slide over to the front of his face, my hands are in his hair, petting the curls again. I take a wild chance and lick gently into his mouth, this is what he wanted right? And he chuckles almost silently, my eyes opening up quickly to see his darkened ones smiling at me and I tilt my head again. 

He nods, resting his forehead against mine, rubbing the tips of our noses together and I want to cry he's so sweet. Raw affection, nothing more nothing less. 

Raw attraction. 

Its chemical, what is happening right now. I feel it in my blood, you can't fake this. 

I tuck my head down and initiate this round, using my tongue more bravely and he seems to like it, hands kneading my hair and tiny noises escape his mouth. 

I pay no attention to the ones I'm making, blocking them out in fear of utter humiliation. 

My eyes are closed, too heavy to even dream of opening and I kiss him harder, faster, more of  _everything_ and Ryan smirks, completely immersed in this and hikes his back up, balancing us straight up and then using his strength to flip me over while our lips are still connected.

My breath hitches in my throat slightly and he laughs, brushing hair out of my face and pinning me to his bed, one leg on either side of me. I reach up and just stroke his chest, feel his abs working under his skin and just  _explore_ him. His knees lower slower and slower until he's almost laying on top of me, but with respectable space in between. I rub his shoulders and kiss him gently this time, the smallest, tiniest movement and he makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. 

"Oh my god you-" he starts, cutting himself off and kissing the corner of my mouth, trailing down to my jaw and I arch my back, muttering his name and he sighs again in a satisfied way. I like this, him wanting to kiss everything around my face and more but all I want are his lips back on mine, I feel almost left out by him abandoning my mouth like that. 

He hums as he kisses the skin, up and down my jaw and lower cheeks. I freeze when his wet lips travel to my neck and I shake my head, pushing him back because I know what will happen if he does this.

He can't leave marks. 

"Ry-no." I groan and he sighs, seemingly disappointed and settles for my mouth again. 

I was just fine with that to begin with. 

Its so commanding, his way of going about this. Demanding my reciprocation almost instantly and when I can't kiss back fast and hard enough, his tongue gets involved in almost a warning, or a punishment.

Ryan's vocal too, something I'm noticing. He makes tiny whining noises when I do something especially well, and groans almost silently as we move in unison. 

He's so into this. 

I cant hear shelf, not aware or interested in whatever noises I'm making but he continues with his mission without hesitation so I must be doing well. 

After a gentle bite to my bottom lip I whine high and loud, Ryan laughing out a "shh" noise and pulling back, tugging on the hem of his t shirt that's still on me for some reason.

This is how it's going to be? 

Alright.

I'm fit, lean and probably more muscular then him to be honest. I look at his middle for a second, distinguishing what's bone and what's muscle. I'm definitely more in shape then him. 

I lean forward, pulling his shirt off and throwing it on the floor, Ryan's eyes scanning my body hungrily and instantly something changing in his eyes. 

"Fuck." he mumbles, just touching my chest and I feel like he's shocked me, awakening all the nerves under my skin and I reach for him. There's no hesitation, all of that is far gone. I reach for him, and he doesn't think twice before diving back down and connecting our mouths once again, hands roaming the expanse of my torso and-

"BEEP BEEP!" there's a set of honks coming from outside and we separate as if it had been a gunshot. Ryan's face whips to the clock and he curses loudly, me following suit. 

_7:00 am_

"fucking hell are you kidding me?" he looks at the ceiling, most likely yelling at god and I smile softly. 

"Who is that?" I ask quickly and he looks over his shoulder out the window, seeing the car and a a red blush covers his chest. He spins back to me and I can't stop staring at his lower stomach until he snaps his fingers. 

"Who do you think?" when I don't answer he rolls his eyes. "your sister." 

Fuck. 

Oh fuck. 

Oh  _fuck._

My eyes go wide at the realization and I severity of this situation. I practically jump out of my skin, eyes widening and pulse quickening. Ryan looks at me strangely, concerned, worried. 

"Don't freak out, it's ok don't freak out." he warns and I nod nervously, watching in minor disappointment as he throws me a black shirt laying on his dresser. 

"Put on this and your jeans from the bag." is all he says, disappearing into the bathroom, ruffling his hair in an annoyed way and pulling up his pants that have ridden low. I nod to myself, trying not to burst into overwhelmed tears and look like an idiot. 

Once I'm dressed Ryan emerges looking like he didn't just wake up and he grabs his backpack off the floor, wrenching open his door and sliding on his vans at the door. I follow suit, brushing down my hair with my hands and rubbing my eyes. 

This is happening too fast for me to process it. 

We were kissing less than three minutes ago and now he's putting on his shoes.

I tug on my chucks and sling my backpack over my shoulder, making a quick right and wash my face in the kitchen sink while Ryan slaps himself a few times in the hallway mirror. 

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" comes another round of Kara's impatience and I roll my eyes and stand behind Ryan as he presses his back against the front door, poking my chest with a slender finger.

He touched me with that. 

" _Not a word"_ he growls, as if I'd blow my own cover let alone his like that. 

"I know." I respond childishly, following him out the door and he smiles and waves at Kara as if he hadn't had his tongue down my throat no less then five minutes ago. 

I fling myself in the back seat, leaning against the window with closed eyes and Kara bursts into a conversation I could care less about entertaining. 

"-Brendon!" Ryan's voice suddenly snaps and I open my eyes, startled, to see both of them looking at me. 

"Huh?" I stare at them dumbly and Kara rolls her eyes. 

"I asked if you had fun." she says, and my eyes nervously flicker to Ryan. 

He smiles gently. 

"Y-yeah I had fun." I say quietly and she nods. 

"That's good, good. I'm glad my two boys are getting along." 

I catch Ryan's eye in the rear view mirror. 

Oh we're getting along. 

We're getting along just fine. 

 


	7. Friday (continued)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always wonder if I make these love stories too unrealistic, too mushy and make the characters too in love. I find myself getting worked up over how stupid they may seem in my eyes, how this is all so make believe and no one could love someone else so much. I find it unrealistic at times, I find myself wondering why people put up with such imaginitary love stories. 
> 
> I think people read them because they know it isn't like this in real life. You can't get love like theirs, a story like this. So you live through them. God knows I do, I take scenarios from my own life and put in different characters though they always resemble a special someone and I make "us" fall in love, and I'm satisfied for a bit. 
> 
> But something's I get lonely. 
> 
> So I write some more.

My eyes stay glued to the rear view mirror for the rest of the twenty minute car ride. 

Look at me. 

Just fucking look at me. 

He doesn't, he plays it calm and cool and collected and I'm falling apart in the seat behind Kara. 

All he would have to do is look to his left. 

Jesus Christ. 

Kara rambles about how my parents are annoyed with me about not making it home on time and Ryan apologizes for me, saves me the breath. 

God knows he's stolen enough from me this morning. 

I assumed they'd be pissed, they'd be crazy not to be. I fell asleep on Ryan and lost track of the time. My fault in all honesty and I'm willing to pay the price of that. I don't regret it, oh god no. If I do get punished it'll be my phone getting taken away, or maybe my PlayStation. 

I have an imagination though, I can live without technology. My phone is a second thought, Ryan is now the first. Recovery from this morning will last maybe until next week, and it's going to be a very long and distracted next six days if I can't get a handle on this. 

I catch Ryan's eye. 

"What do you think about that?" Kara asks and I cock my head. 

"About what? Sorry I'm still half asleep." 

"If Ryan drives you home the days you have chorus and musical rehearsals." She says simply and I choke on an inhale. 

"-W-what?" I gasp out and she rolls her eyes. 

"I though you guys were tight now." She frowns and Ryan glares at me. 

"I'll be happy to drive him." He says sharply. 

I’m sure he'd be happy to. 

"I'm sure you would be." I retort brattily and Ryan bites his lip, eyes piercing into mine and I immediately shrink. 

"Sisky can drive you then." He snaps back and I huff. 

"Whatever."

I don't know where the sudden hostility is coming from, I don't know why I'm so angry at him all the sudden. 

I swear to god if he pretends that this morning didn't happen I will go batshit crazy. 

He glares at me for a couple more seconds before rolling his eyes and looking back at the winsheild. 

Kara sighs. "Ryan will drive you home and if you give him any shit at all I'll murder you ok?" Brown eyes stare into mine and I scowl. 

"Fine." 

"Good," she smiles "you guys find out what your parts are today right?" 

My eyes raise at this. 

Oh right. 

I completely forgot about that. 

And it seems Ryan did too because he looks at her quickly, and then cranes his neck to the roof of the car and groans deep in his throat. It's a familiar sound. I love that I can say that.  

"I'm taking that as a yes." Kara chuckles and fuck her. 

"It's not up until the end of the day though I don't think." Ryan says quietly, as though he's really not sure. 

"Well if it is, you can drive Brendon home because I have a band sectional until 5 and I doubt Brendon wants to stay at school for an extra three hours." 

What the actual fuck Kara? 

A fucking band sectional? 

"I don't mind." Ryan says casually and of course he doesn't mind. 

I mean, to be completely honest I don't mind either, I want to grab Ryan's face right now and continue what was put on such an abrupt pause not even twenty minutes ago. 

He can’t know that though. I'm at a weird place between knowing I want this and not really knowing. There's a lot of pros, and maybe a handful of cons. 

Theres a truckload of pros.

I suppose it just comes down to what my heart says, and this morning the only thing it could say was Ryan. 

So Ryan it is.

”Yeah I guess it’s fine.” I murmur, getting a proud smile from Kara and a nod from Ryan. 

“Ok good, one less thing for me to worry about.” She nods in a satisfied way and Ryan turns around. 

“One more thing for me to worry about.” He says lowly, and Kara wouldn’t catch it, she wouldn’t understand his tone, but I do. 

I get it. 

And it’s fine by me. 

He’s one more thing for me to worry about too.

“I can walk home if you want me to.” I respondly coyly, and Ryan bites the inside of his cheek. 

“You love car rides with me.” 

“Yeah maybe if they’d take a little less time out of my day.” I snap back and he lowers his eyes at me. 

“You love spending time with me.” He responds immediately.

“Do I really?” I raise an eyebrow at him and he makes a confused face. 

“Well I mean your behavior at my house would insinuate that you like me.” He says innocently and Kara chuckles. 

It’s anything but innocent. 

“Brendon? Like you? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.” She smiles fondly “but I’m glad you guys got along.” 

I shoot daggers at Ryan with my eyes and he smirks like an asshole. 

“Yeah we got along great, didn’t we?” He tilts his head and stares at me and I nod. 

“Yeah, surprisingly something clicked.” I say in a tone that suggests I don’t care and he squints slightly and smiles devilishly  

“Something connected.” He adds and I shake my head at him. 

_“Something connected”_

Yeah like your lips against mine.

"Something definitely did." I mumble in agreement and he winks, turning back around to Kara.

"So band sectionals, what are you playing?" He asks, genuine interest in his voice and I tune Kara out, not wanting to listen to their conversation and focus on what's really running through my mind. 

Ryan. 

Ryan’s driving me home. 

And now I have to get through the next seven hours thinking about that. How he'll act, how we'll act together, what might happen if we're given an opportunity to be alone together once more. 

We only have so much time together. 

I suspect he'll want to make the most of it, I'll want to make the most of it. 

But I don't know, I don't know what he wants. Maybe that was a one time thing, maybe he won't want to do it again, maybe I wasn't good  enough.

And I ponder this thought while staring out the car window, watching clouds and cars pass by undisturbed. The morning is fresh and undisturbed. I haven't fucked up anything yet. 

And when we get to school we split in two, Kara and Ryan up the west wing and me up the east. 

We go our separate ways. 

I sit in home-room like a robot, listening to music that reminds me of Ryan. I stare at the kids on the announcements, their voices moving without sound and I stare at my desk and think of Ryan. 

In my first period class I start off well, answering questions and chatting with some girls in front of me. It's all calm, everyone happy it's Friday and sharing weekend plans, dates they'll go on. 

I hide my jealously behind a smile. 

When Bio comes I land in my chair tired and defeated, halfway through the day and I'm ready to quit, the anxiety of seeing Ryan and being alone with him again starting to get too real and the nerves and dreading feeling of finding out what part we'll get also making me slightly on edge. 

"You ok?" Patrick asks, sitting down behind me and I spin around to talk to him. 

"I...I don't know. Things have gone off the rails." 

"Oh yeah," he's interested, yet his tone sounds absentminded, his eyes flicking over my face. "You look different." 

Funny, I didn't lose my virginity. 

"I don't know why that could be." I say in a worried way and he shrugs. 

"Mmm. Oh wait, how was Ryan's?" He looks at me expectantly and I search my brain for things to say. 

Fine. Exhilarating. Sexual. 

"It was...okay." 

"Okay?" He makes a face "you were literally bitching about him all day, saying you hated him, and then spent the entire afternoon and night with him, not texting me back until you were probably in bed with him!" He laughs at the last sentence and I go pale, mouth opening slightly. 

How would he know? 

"I...what?" I ask, bewildered and Patrick cocks his head.

”I’m just kidding, jesus.” His laughs die off and he’s left with just a small smile. 

“Oh.” 

"You completely contradicted yourself." He says and I nod. 

I suppose I did. 

"I mean, I'm glad you finally realized that you can't hate Ryan Ross, but you can't now spend every waking second with him." He argues. 

God how I'd love to. 

"I know that." I retort and he chuckles. 

"Sure you do." 

I glare at him and he doesn't seem to notice, nor care and he gets out his folder. 

"Hey so I have an unrelated question." I say nonchalantly, "How does someone know they're in love?" 

He looks at me strangely. "Well I suppose they'd be pretty sure. Humans are difficult, we're complicated. We don't just reproduce and get over it, there's alot more to the human condition. Love is our biggest flaw, and our biggest asset. All you need is love, they say, and we really do so it's important. I think something so important is something that you know right away, you can acknowledge it without being scared, you just know, you know?" He concludes and I nod. 

"Yeah." 

"Why, you in love?" He laughs and I shake my head. 

"No I was just wondering, listening to too many love songs I guess." 

"Oh god." He chuckles. "Stay away from those or you'll really go off the rails." 

I nod, I don’t want to go off the rails. I really don’t. Everything has been fine, has been safe, has been so in order and going smoothly and if I mess something up my whole year will go down the drain. 

I’ll have crashed into him at an unhealthy speed. 

The lesson starts and I hang my head. 

Lunch comes and I sit calmly, eating slow and calculated and trying to swallow when I want to throw up. 

Ryan said hi to me in the hallway and I nodded at him, I only nodded. 

“Hi Brendon.” 

And I _nodded._

How pathetic is that? Pretty pathetic, but I’m trying to stay as true to character as I can. I wouldn’t say hi to him normally so what would have changed? 

Nothing, nothing would have changed. 

Nothing happened so nothing changed.

So now I choke down a sandwich and pretend like nothing happened and nothing changed so that no one will notice I’ve done a head over heels tailspin and am having a very hard time indeed. 

“You find out what your part is today.” Patrick says casually, pointing it out to me just in case I wasn’t already aware. 

“Yeah I know.”

“Are you excited?” He asks and I take a sip of water. 

“I suppose so. I’m not expecting anything.” I say honestly. I’m really not, I don’t know the show, the songs, I’d be glad to have really anything as long as I can be around Ryan. 

“Well at least you’re excited for the show.” Patrick shrugs and I nod in his direction. 

“I am. I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun.” I say nonchalantly, picturing a different kind of fun then he’s probably imagining. 

“Just dont go forgetting who your best friends are.” He chuckles and I blush in guilt, I have started to do that already haven’t I? 

Ignored his texts when I’m with the older kids, I don’t want to seem rude to them but I guess that’s just being rude to him. 

“Of course I won’t.” I argue, not trusting myself with that promise but I have to at least try. 

“Ok good.” He smiles at me, eyes shining and I smile back weakly. I’m not being as convincing as I need to. They’ll notice eventually. 

“You doing ok?” He asks randomly, not looking at me and playing his game when he knows I don’t feel well and doesn’t want to draw too much attention to it because I get anxious. 

“Y-yeah I’m ok.” I mutter and he eyes me curiously this time. 

“You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?” 

“Yes of course.” I cough, lying through my teeth because I know for a fact he won’t want to hear about this, let alone have any advice for me. 

He’s a total nerd. 

Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just he isn’t as...seasoned, with most things. Not as professional, doesn’t have a good idea of how things go down when you’re in a position like mine. In a way, he’s too juvenile, even though he’s older then me.

“Alright, just making sure. You seem strained lately.” 

“Strained?” I repeat and he nods. 

“Since the beginning of the week. Something happen at home? With Kara or Grace?” He asks, genuine concern lacing his voice and I shake my head immediately. 

“No no everything has been perfectly fine I swear. I guess I’ve just been feeling a little out of body maybe. I don’t know, I feel odd.” I try to word it as well as I can but my voice sounds too questioning and unsure. 

“I don’t think that’s true. Something must have happened. Is it Ryan, is he putting too much pressure on you?” He asks and I take a breath, looking at my phone that has no messages to distract me. 

“No. I mean, maybe? It is a little bit of pressure to fit in but that’s expected you know?” I make hand gestures as I talk, something that I hate yet can’t control and he watches, nodding. 

“Yeah I get it. Just make sure he isn’t stressing you out to much man.” He presses the issue and I nod obediently. 

“I won’t I won’t.” I say rushed and Patrick nods. 

“Ok good. He smiles and I reciprocate the expression. 

I won’t. 

After lunch I have health and English, my last two periods of the day. I spend English staring at my teacher Mr. Pence, and how well he dresses. Seriously, the man has some style even though he’s been so young. He’s also not that bad looking, blue eyes and light brown hair, small round glasses. 

Shit he’s handsome. 

I blink rapidly, looking away from him and snapping out of whatever that was. What the fuck what was that? 

He is _not_ cute. 

He’s my _teacher._

Since when did I start dreaming about Ryan Ross, having a crush on my teacher, and not being able to focus all day because I’m thinking about how cute the two of them are?! What the actual hell is going on with me? This isn’t normal, this is it me, or is it me? I really don’t know anymore. 

 I scowl, sitting back in my chair in a disturbed position and stare at the board for the rest of the lesson. There’s only five minutes left when I look back at the clock, and I know that just after four minutes we’ll be lining up at the door and walking out into the hallway and I’ll be in the chorus hall and I’ll see Ryan and Ryan will see me, oh god what am I going to do?

What am I actually going to do? I’m literally a mess right now, I don’t even think I can look at him let alone talk to him and get in his car and do...I don’t even know?! 

When the bell rings I sigh loudly and slam my book shut and shoving it in my backpack, zipping it up angrily. The girl in front of me, one with short brown hair and piercing green eyes, gives me a concerned glance and I ignore her. I  stand up and hike my backpack over my shoulder, walking to the door almost reluctantly but I know what I have to do, I know I have to go. There’s only some things holding me back. 

One of my grades jocks shoves me a little bit when I won’t walk out of the door and I give him a dirty look over my shoulder as I stop to the music Hall. I pass posters on the walls for the shows that the school has done in previous years I stare at their faces. I can see Ryan in some of them, standing in the back, his baby face shining brightly with a smile that can’t compare to anybody else’s in the picture. He looks so happy, so excited, so ready for the future and knowing who he is. Whereas here I am not even knowing whether I can have a crush on a boy or not. Ryan apparently knows he can, and he does. But I don’t know if I’m there yet and he said that himself he doesn’t know if I’m there yet, but I think I am. 

When I get closer I see the crowd of people, mostly girls as always and I see some boys. Some boys I know, some I don’t. I see Ryan, standing behind the crowd not trying to look at the list yet and staring at his feet. He doesn’t want to look, he scared to look. He doesn’t think he’s good enough but we all think that he’s better than even that. 

I cautiously walk over, taking small tentative steps towards him and when he senses my presence his face looks up quickly and he looks to his left then his right until he sees me and a big smile breaks out onto his face. He’s obviously relieved to see me, glad that I’m here to support him and help him and encourage him through whatever’s going to happen in the next two minutes. Does he really not think he could do it on his own, or with out any of his friends? Am I all he needs? 

“Hey.” I say, looking everywhere else on his face except for his eyes and he finally catches mine after a few seconds, keeping them there with his gaze.

”Hi.” His voice is small, scared, and it really shouldn’t sound like that. 

“Are you going to look?” I ask, almost shouting over the noise of all the girls squeaking and squawking over their parts. 

“Y-yeah, eventually.” He mumbles and I tilt my head and smile at him.

This isn't as hard as I thought it would be. He’s shy right now, nervous. He’s not as confident as he usually is, and that makes me feel better about myself. 

“Ok...” I stare at him a second longer. “You’re scared to look, aren't you?” I give him a surprised look and my tone sounds that way too. 

I’m even more surprised when Ryan blushes, and looks at his feet. He’s kicking the tile angrily, eyebrows furrowed in embarrassed frustration and he finally looks back up at me and huffs loudly. 

“Yes. Yeah I’m scared.” He answers gruffly and I melt. He’s so much smaller then he seems. 

“You want me to look for you?” I ask and he looks surprised that I’d do that for him. 

“C-can you?” He asks politely, keeping sharp eye contact and I nod. 

“Yeah sure. I mean, it’s not a big deal to me.” I say with a shrug and he nods repeatedly to himself. 

“Ok. Ok, you can check and tell me so I don’t pass out.” He says with a nervous laugh, but I’m not sure he was kidding. 

I nod and push past some of the screaming girls until I reach the list, reading down names until I see the important ones.

_Jac Vanek: Green Fairy_

_Brent Wilson: Satie_

_Jon Walker: Audrey_

_Spencer Smith: Harold_

_Adam Siska: The Duke_

_Brendon Urie: Henri_

_Keltie Knight: Satine_

_Ryan Ross: Christian_

My eyes widen and I suck in a breath, turning around and getting shoved out of the way until I’m back in the far hall, alone, with Ryan. 

“S-so?” He looks at me with shaking hands and I shake my head, looking at the floor until I glance up at him with a smirk. 

“Ya did good Christian.” I laugh lightly and his eyes light up, going from clouded hazel irises to brightened honey hues and his cheeks lift up, his lips tugging at the skin and his entire face rises in excitement, in pride. 

“Are you serious?!” He squeaks, looking around hurriedly and his eyes landing back on me. 

“Of course I am.” I chuckle, amused by his reaction, like a child that just got a trip to Disney world. 

“I...” his breathing stutters and his smile grows “I could just kiss you!” He laughs breathlessly, eyeing me excitedly, almost hungrily, like he wants to reward himself, like he deserves it.

”Calm down.” I shush him, pulling him farther away towards the doors, looking around. “You’re funny.” 

“I guess.” He stares off into space with a satisfied smile, looking drunk and I giggle, shaking my head. 

“Wait!” His face snaps back to me “what’d you get?” His eyes widen in expectation and I blink. 

“Um, someone named Henri or something.” I say, butchering the accent and Ryan gasps. 

“That’s such a good part! Oh my gosh we are going to get to spend so much time together!” His genuine excitement for this musical has my heart ready to burst. It’s childlike, his amusement and pure excitement and just overall happiness doing this. It makes me happy, seeing him like this. 

“Is it?” I ask, tone full of wonder and now I want him to tell me all about this. I want to sit down with him and have him tell me the whole story, the characters background, I want us to rehearse lines together. 

I want all of it. 

And judging by the look on his face and the hop in his step while he goes over to talk to his friends, I'm going to get it. 

 

Everyone is satisfied with their part, the shyer boys got the smaller ones and the more outgoing boys got the larger ones, its how it was supposed to work out and everyone is genuinely happy with what they got for the most part. There's a girl named Keltie loitering around us, getting a sense of the group but she fits right in and I assume they know her already. I know her already myself, she's been doing this as long as Ryan has, she's as talented as Ryan no wonder she got the female lead. 

She’s pretty I guess, dirty blonde hair and sharp, inky eyes like mine. She's ok, maybe a seven or seven and a half. Ryan likes her though, his smile shows it and the way the other boys talk to her like she's an old friend (which she probably is) makes me think I'm going to half to get to know her and like her as well. 

She introduced herself, said she's glad to have a freshman with the big dogs. "It's a breath of fresh air to see a new face" she has said. Her eyes folllwowd me as I clung to Ryan for support, and they followed me long after that as well. 

Eyeing me up I see. 

Well then. 

It was probably fifteen minutes past the end of school when I nudge Ryan and give him a look that says I want to go home. He nods, face flickering to a concerned expression before I smile gratefully and he looks ok again. We wave goodbye to the guys, and to Keltie before we leave, and Ryan slaps Sisky on the back in pride for his part. 

He's such a good friend. 

On our way to the car his excitement is still bubbling, his smile never faltering and the twitch in his hands insatiable. I watch him calculatedly, examining his erratic movements and he catches my eye a few times but makes no comment. We both slide in the car and Ryan flicks on the radio to our trusted Alt. Nation and I lean back and sigh.

"Long day." Is all I say, closing my eyes and rubbing them. 

"Yeah, a good end to it though." He remarks and I nod. 

"I'm so happy for you." I add with a grin and he can't hide the way his cheeks pull up in a satisfied smirk. He turns onto the road and we swerve slightly. 

"Thanks, I'm relieved. Happy for you too." 

I assume this part will be particularly important, the big ones are listed last and I was one of the top four or so. That means a lot of songs, lines. 

"You have some great lines." Ryan chuckles and I make a face. 

"Oh great, like what?" I cringe and he shakes his head. 

"You'll have to wait and see." He retorts and I scowl. 

"Fuck you." 

"You wish." He responds curtly and I burn red. 

"Fuck off." I whine and Ryan smirks smugly. 

"I'm sorry, by the way, for saying that shit out loud." He mutters and I shake my head again. 

"It's fine, totally fine Ryan you don't have to-" 

"-yeah I do." He cuts me off and frowns "it was uncalled for me to say that so loud and if someone heard or-" 

Now it's my turn "-They would think it's a joke, or a-" 

"-Brendon everyone knows I'm gay." Ryan says quickly and I pale slightly. 

I knew that. 

I did. 

"I know." 

"But you obviously aren't anywhere close to being out yet, and it's your decision whether or not you want to." He says apologetically and I hate the way his voice sounds when he does that. 

"I'm at least bi." I say with a shrug. "I just don't know if I want anyone knowing about that yet." 

"I get it." He nods, eyes on the road. "That's smart of you. Play it cool these next few weeks, months of you need to. You take all the time you need it doesn't have to be serious ya know." He takes calmly, cooly, nonchalantly, and I nod as well. He keeps me calm. 

"Ok." 

"Ok?" He looks over at me and I smile. 

"Sounds good." I repeat my confirmation and he smiles.

"Ok good. So Kara won't know?" His voice gets slightly higher at this point, his tone strained and I know him. 

I know he'd hate to keep this from her, he tells her everything. 

"...No, I don't think I want to tell her just yet. Especially not the part about..."  trail off and Ryan chuckles. 

"The part about this morning?" 

"Yeah," I cough slightly. "Are we going to talk about that or...?" I curl up in the seat, body positioned towards him so I can watch the way he moves and drives and the faces he makes. 

"If you feel a need to talk about it." He says professionally and I really wish he wouldn't treat this like a stupid business meeting. 

"I mean, I just wanted to know if it was just a one time thing or...you know since I pressured you so much I didn't know if you want to even do anything again or..." I trail off and Ryan scoffs.

He scoffs. 

"Brendon," he looks over at me with his fucking honey eyes and curls bouncing into his face and he looks me up and down. "You really think I wouldn't want to do that again? Where would you get that idea? Certainly not when I was taking your clothes off." He shakes his head with an amused smile and my eyebrows raise in surprise. 

I can't say I was expecting him to say something like that, I don't really believe it. He...he really wants me, doesn't he? Who am I to deny him that when I want the same thing. I mean, sure things can go wrong, and this might not be the best time for a relationship, and not one as serious as this but if all hell breaks loose I can always transfer. 

Joking, of course. 

But not really. 

"Really?" I ask, knowing the answer but not knowing what to say so questioning his motives seems like a better waste of time so I can think of something more intelligent to add. "You like me?"

He rolls his eyes and sighs frustratedly. "Brendon I'd love to pull this car over right now and show you how much I like you but we're on the main road." He says casually and I flush bright red. 

"Oh." Is all I can say and I'm not lying when I say that's the only word my mouth can form. 

"Yeah." He breathes sarcastically, making fun of my shock and I kick his arm with my foot that's on the console. 

"Sorry I'm not very used to this." I say quietly and he nods. 

"I know you aren't. I'll be less annoying about it. But it's going to take some self control to stay off Kara’s tracks you know?" He looks over at me and raises an eyebrow and I nod, swallowing. 

Does he have any mints? 

"That's going to be hard." I whine. 

I find one in my pocket. 

Score. 

"I don't care, if you don't want her to know yet then you can't be hanging all over me when I come over, that's not going to end well." He argues and I pop the red striped candy in my mouth without him noticing. 

"Ok ok fine." I sulk and he rolls his eyes. 

"Just control yourself, ok hot shot?" 

Fucking hell. 

"Gotcha." I chuckle, trying to disguise the fact that he's tearing me in two with these nicknames and I float in and out of a daydream. 

We pass suburban houses, ones that look like mine and we've been driving for a little over ten minutes, we're gonna be there soon. 

I want to get there now. 

Now. 

"It's going to be like this almost everyday." I sigh and he laughs softly from beside me, his eyes closing momentarily. 

"And? Is that a bad thing?" 

"No, not at all." I respond and he smiles. We pull onto my street and a feeling in my stomach that's been switching in and out of my guts comes back. 

They’re butterflies....or more like birds, the wings flapping fast and erratic. They aren't slow and gentle, they're frightened and fast paced, tearing at my lungs and making me say words I don't mean and why I lose breath so carelessly. 

The birds go from finches to pelicans when we pull into my driveway, my hands already starting to feel warm and sweaty. 

Ryan stops the car, doesn't put it in park, just stops and looks at me expectantly. 

"Alright, hop out." He says casually, and my mouth opens but no words tumble out. 

Excuse me?!

"B-but I...?" I look at him, really _look_  at him and he does the same. 

"What?" He cocks his head and his eyes are bright and shining like a star and I bite my lip.

"I...nothing?" I borderline whimper, and Ryan smriks. 

Kiss me again. 

Kiss me again you fucking asshole.

"What?" He leans forward and furrows his eyebrows as we're now face to face. "You looking for something?" 

I nod, lips already parted and just waiting for him yet he hovers there, teasing, testing. 

"Yeah." I breathe, staring at his eyes that are practically glowing by now and he smirks, apparently not being able to control himself any longer and he surges forward, pressing his lips against mine and it makes me so incredibly happy to say that I've felt them before, that they're familiar. 

His hand finds its way to my jaw, holding it in place for him and I close my eyes, leaving into the touch and fighting back with my own mouth. He tries to keep up then pulls back and breathes out rushed. 

"Calm down Bren Jesus Christ we have some time." He chuckles and I don't think it's funny. I waited almost eight hours for this, and you think it's funny? 

I shake my head "Not enough time." I cup my palm around the back of his head and pull him closer, the movement of his skin against mine almost intoxicating. Our mouths open and close, go left to right, his hand in my hair tugging and pulling and me spilling out curses from my lips that he silences with bites and more aggressive kisses.

Both my hands grip his skull, burying themselves in the hair at the bottom of his neck and holding on as he keeps going and going and going. 

Its about hands with Ryan, what I've come to learn. You use your hands and he'll use his. 

And you want him to use his.

Heavy petting. 

After another minute he licks my mouth open, me getting used to the feeling and opening up wider for him, where he explores my mouth and I let him. He groans and pulls back, grabbing my head and pulling it to his. Our foreheads press against each other's and I savor the connection it forms.

"You taste like toothpaste." He mumbles, stoking my jaw with his thumb and I close my eyes. 

"Thanks." 

"No problem." He says absentmindedly, rubbing his nose against mine gently and guiding my lips blindly to his where he places a small, sweet peck. 

I do the same, mimicking his actions and we kind of take turns doing that, one after another until I giggle and he gets greedy, movements more rushed again and hands not finding enough skin to hold onto.  

Our tongues battle, the two muscles going at it and I can't believe I once found this gross. It's incredible, and he's so good at it, the way he can makes my knees weak with his mouth and the way I can hold onto his shoulders like the handles of a bicycle for support while he takes so much out of me, yet gives just as much and more back. We kiss and kiss and kiss, and I make too much noise and he shushes me with laughing eyes and I scowl and him harder, harder and harder and he has to put up a fight to get back on top. 

But he always does.

Kisses travel to my jaw, and my mouth is hanging open when they tickle my neck, landing on the skin and sucking ever so slightly. 

If he leaves marks I'll kill him. 

"You wanna head inside?" I ask breathlessly, eyes wide and awaiting and he pulls back, shaking his head. 

"I can't." 

"We have until five." I argue and he bites his red raw lips. 

"Can't risk that." He mutters. "Besides, I can't trust myself to have self control and I'm trying to work on it so that would ruin my focus. He nods to himself and I sigh in disappointment. 

"Ok fine." 

"I'll see you tomorrow morning." He says with a smile and I return the gesture. 

"See you tomorrow." I say, grabbing my bag and as I turn out of the car he grabs my bicep and drags me back in, placing a passionate kiss on my lips, leaving me dizzy. 

"See you tomorrow." I mumble stupidly, kissing his jaw almost like a second thoughts as I slip out of the car and jog up the steps to my house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this boy yet he can't know and I've loved him for a while maybe seven years and it's eating me alive


	8. Saturday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If today's chapter had a sponsor it would be the Lofi hip hop radio livestream on YouTube those beats saved my writers block to be honest with you all. 
> 
> I wouldn't be bringing this long ass chapter to you without it, or the people in my life that bring the love and humor this story has to offer.
> 
> So thank you, and you're welcome. 
> 
> Peace and love my deep feeling magical beings,

“Brendon, Ryan's on his way get down here!" Kara screams from downstairs and I roll my eyes and huff loudly. 

"Be right there!" I holler, flopping my head against my sheets and breathing steadily. 

I stare at my ceiling while laying spread eagle on my bed, my eyes focusing on the fan that’s swirling rhythmically. Today is Saturday morning, the first rehearsal or more like meeting for the musical, and I have an hour and a half with Ryan until I have to come back home. 

Thats all I get for today. 

I have some time with the car rides there and back, so at least we'll get some quality time without interruption.

Hopefully. 

I've been thinking about what we talked about, keeping it on the down low. I find it hard to believe either of us will be convincing enough to that many people but hey, we can at least try. If all fails, we'll just be caught in a huge hellfire of our friends and family's rage so it's pretty pivotal we keep our contact to a minimum. 

I blink skowly, feeling the breeze from the fan blow my hair back and i look out the window. Sunshine invades my room too happily for a mid September day and I wish I had blinds to shut, block it out. 

I prefer to be in the darkness. 

When Kara bangs on the wall I scowl, sitting up abruptly and surging to my door, wrenching it open and yelling "SHUT UP I GET IT!" Before slamming the wood so hard against the frame it rumbles. 

I'm not particularly fond of early mornings on the weekend. 

"BRENDON YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Kara shrieks and I flip off the door, changing my shirt into a ramdom band tee with Queen on the front. It's old, too baggy and has lint fraying on the short sleeves but it smells like home and it's comfortable enough to wear in front of older kids that will judge me. 

"How about you shut the fuck up?" I ask to myself quietly, putzing around my room and playing with my hair. I wash my face and hold back my bangs, floppy and wavy in a way that makes me look like I’m stuck in the wrong decade. I like it though, it’s rugged. My mom hates it, despises how “shaggy” it looks and wishes I’d get it cut. 

Too bad. 

My parents are on a trip, England for my moms friends wedding. 

How fun. 

Theyll be gone for five days, which means they'll be back around Wednesday and my life will end that day as well. No parents also means I was only scolded for staying at Ryan's for thirty minutes when it could have been an hour. They were rushing to pack, I was a second thought. So days without my mom and dad means days that I can do whatever, and go wherever. 

How fun.

Ryan has most likely already been informed of this by Kara, and he'll probably sleep over tonight or tomorrow, depending on what his dad says. Ryan sleeping over was never a big deal, he and Kara get to bed early and get up for school fine. But I assume if Ryan sleeps over now there'll be some complications. 

Complications including me not being able to sleep knowing Ryan's in the next room.

Because everything is fine when he's at home, no temptation. But if I'm asleep in my bed and Ryan's just across the hall I worry what might happen if he leaves the guest room door open. 

It smells like him, the guest room. 

Maybe I'll be trying to fall asleep and my door will open and I'll hear him say-

"You ready?" 

No, not that. He'd say something like-

"-Brendon." Better I guess. 

"I missed you." I reply, turning quickly and seeing him in my doorway, the sunshine seeming dimmer now that he's in the room. 

He always makes everything a little bit brighter. 

"Right back atcha." He snaps his fingers and lingers in the doorway. "Kara's mad at you. Says she can't look at your "asshole face", so I had to come up to get you." 

I roll my eyes. "Boohoo." 

He makes puppy eyes "What'd you do to her?" His voice is babyish and mocking and I snort. 

"I told her to shut up." 

"And she said to get your ass downstairs, I was waiting." He says irritably and I wave him off, looking at the posters on my wall to distract myself. 

"She'll get over it. My ass is here."'

Ryan chuckles, nodding. "Ok so are you ready to go?" He asks lightly, bouncing on his heels and I shake my head. 

"Not yet?" I answer coyly and Ryan looks puzzled. 

"Why? What do you need?" 

"You." I say quickly, making my way towards him and he backs up, looking over his shoulder. 

"Not here you idiot!" He hisses, eyes wide and I'm practically breathing down his neck. 

"Why? She's downstairs." I argue needily and Ryan sighs, shaking his head. 

"Never under your roof, you hear me?" He asks and there goes my daydreams about sleepovers. 

"Fine, whatever." I say angrily, brooding as I push past him and stomp downstairs where Kara's in the kitchen blending a gross looking orange smoothie. 

"Ew what the fuck?" I glance at it in disgust and she rolls her eyes. 

"Carrots." She mutters and pours the thick mixture into a glass, chugging it quickly and I watch in shock. 

Nasty. 

"We're leaving." I say, grabbing a jacket and walking out the door. 

"Ok!" She responds in a yell and I follow Ryan who's been waiting by the front door down to his car. 

"We aren't under the roof anymore." I say sneakily and he shakes his head, laughing softly. 

"You are insatiable aren't you?" He questions and I shrug. 

"I guess so." I respond and he rolls his eyes.

"At least wait until we're off your street." He directs as I hop in the passengers seat and turn on the radio. 

"I have a feeling your cautiousness won't last." I comment randomly, something I'd usually keep inside but whatever. 

He shakes his head, brown curls flopping and he's wearing an oversized Modest Mouse tee today with black jeans and it looks really good I'm not going to lie. He always looks good, even in a pair of old flannel pajama pants. 

Feels good too. 

"It will. I have a feeling your desperateness will cloud my judgement." he retorts wittily. 

Touche. 

"It probably will." I say mischievously and Ryan sighs. 

"I can't be the only responsible one about this you know." he comments and my smile falters. 

I didn't know he felt that way. 

"I..." I look at my shoes and Ryan puts his hand on my knee. 

"Hey it's alright." he hums "You didn't do anything wrong I'm just trying to let you know you have to take this seriously." 

I look up at him. "But why? Why can't it just be like everyone else?" He looks away from the road to give me an incredulous look. 

"Do you really think we're like everyone else?" 

He's right, he's right about everything so I know deep down this has to be true too. 

I've said it myself as well, we're of our own kind. 

"I guess not." I reply, lips twitching downwards and he looks at me apologetically. 

"It's not a bad thing." 

"It is. I want to be normal." I argue, and his eyebrows raise as he looks back to the road and the yellow lines disappearing under his tires. 

"And what's normal? What's so great about that?" The tone he uses is defensive, and he should know he can't get annoyed with me for saying that. 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I did, and he just has to live with it. 

"I didn't mean to say that." I sigh, "at least not like that?" 

He chews on his bottom lip "well what did you mean then?" 

"I just mean," I look at the clouds through the sky light and sigh softly. "I don't know why it can't be easier." 

He inhales for a few seconds, not a deep breath but something close to it, and rubs my knee with a gentle thumb. “We are normal, don’t worry about it too much. Just be careful please?” I look down at him and he stares at me for a second. 

“Ok.” 

“Good.” He smiles “I didn’t want to be the only one that cares about this. I know you are pretty intent on having this last as well as I am so please just try?” His eyebrows raise expectantly and I nod with a chuckle. 

“Of course I’m gonna try.” 

“Well I’d hope so because it was your choice not to tell Kara so you can’t not try and hide it from her or it’ll blow up in both of our faces.” 

I know that it would, she’s told me before if I ever came onto any of her friends she’d murder me. 

But that was with girls. 

Kara catching me with one of her girlfriends is bad, yes. But Kara catching me with _Ryan_?

That’s a deathwish. 

“It won’t blow up in our faces.” I assure him and he nods, looking doubtful. 

“If it does you’re taking the blame.” He chuckles and my jaw drops. 

“No!” 

“Yes,” He laughs “ _you_ came onto _me_.” 

My mouth opens and I stare at him. “You came right back around!” 

“-But you started it.” He says immediately. 

“And you finished it!” I retaliate and Ryan rolls his eyes. 

“I suppose we are pretty half and half.” He admits, turning onto the school’s block and I roll my eyes. 

“Mhmm.” 

Ryan taps the wheel and glances at me, the sun behind his face making a halo appear behind his head. So we’re in this together, ok?” 

Anything for the angel. 

“Ok.” I agree finally, staring at him. 

He’s immaculate. 

I want to touch him, feel him. Show him how perfect he can be to me. But he sits five inches away and I’m so close yet so far, and I’ve missed my chance because we’re in an area where people could see us. 

My lips would look really good attached to his neck right about now. 

Saturday sun. 

“The meeting today is an hour and a half, so we’ll be back at yours a little after noon, maybe quarter past one.” Ryan guesses and I nod. 

“You sleeping over?” I try to hide to hopefulness in my tone but it poked through the solidity of my statement. 

He worries his bottom lip, eyes not straying from the school’s parking lot and he speaks finally.

”I want to.” 

“Can you?” I inquire and he sighs, looking tired and I can’t imagine why. 

But I can. 

“You know it’s going to be a struggle,” He starts, thinking for a bit “keeping ourselves away from one another with Kara around.” 

“We’ve done it before,” I argue “when you come on vacations and stuff with us, we’re civil.” 

“Yeah but not making out.” He laughs lightly and I roll my eyes. 

“Maybe not, but we can wait ‘til she’s asleep...” I say slowly and Ryan looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"-Are you serious right now?" 

"What?" I exclaim, a smile on my face and I see his lips twitch up, shaking his head as he pulls into his parking spot. I sit up straight and put a mortified look on my face "Oh, Kara? Why am I in bed with Ryan? Oh, well, he got cold." 

Ryan bursts out laughing at this, shoulders shaking and hair flopping over his forehead. "Oh my fucking god." 

"My clothes are off? I didn't even realize that. I must've gotten hot." I pull another surprised face and Ryan barks out another set of laughter. 

"That would  _never_ work." he chuckles and I roll my shoulders. 

"Why not? We could at least try." I say and Ryan shakes his head, smile still on his face. 

It looks good on him. 

Better than exhaustion. 

"Brendon Kara would literally murder us. Not just you, both of us." he says in a warning tone and I bite my cheek. 

"I'll take the risk of getting murdered." I say cheekily and Ryan gives me an un-amused face. 

"No you won't." he says strictly and I groan. 

"But Ryan please..." I whine and he shakes his head. 

"Don't be a child." he snaps and I frown. 

"Please?" I blink at him, glassy eyes and protruding lip, trying with everything I have to get him to oblige. 

He just stares at me, parking the car and turning it off, the radio dying away slowly and he just sits there. 

"What...what did we just spend the last ten minutes talking about?" he tilts his head at me and smiles in an amused way and I pout. 

"Ryan c'mon." I plead "You're driving me crazy." 

He chuckles, sucking in his bottom lip and glancing at me slowly. He looks me up and down, eyes darkened and canine tooth pulling at his plush pink lip. Then he turns away, laughing to himself and I curse loudly, shoving his shoulder and his hand travels from my knee up to my thigh. 

"Sorry pal." he says smugly and I flip him off. 

"Fuck you." 

"You wish you could." he fake pouts and I open the car door and stomp out, only making it two cars away until there's a hand around my wrist and Ryan yanks me back, my chest colliding into his and he leans to my ear. 

"Patience is a virtue." he mutters, breath tickling the skin and my eyes flutter. 

"So is generosity." I spit back and he seems impressed, pulling away and my hand flops to my side. 

"We could go back and forth all day baby." he coos and I roll my eyes over dramatically, eyebrows pulling together. 

"I'm not your baby." I snap angrily and he walks in front of me, legs trailing backwards so we can stay face to face. 

"I'm sorry. Hey, don't be like that." he begs, grabbing my shoulders and I scowl at him. 

"Cooperation is a virtue as well I take it?" I snarl and he looks at his feet, pretty much tucking his tail between his legs because he knows I'm frustrated with this but he can't do anything about it. I should just give it up, be patient, keep cool. 

But I don't, I'm too stubborn. 

"It...it actually is." He says quietly and I huff, looking up at the school, and the small number of people walking in. We're still below in the parking lot, no one is around us and we're actually a little late. 

"Is passion?" I ask, taking a larger step towards him and he falters while walking backwards. 

"I think so." he mumbles, the sentence almost swept away with the wind and I grin devilishly. 

"Perfect." I surge forward and grab his arm, spinning towards a parked car and pressing him against it. 

"Oh no." He shakes his head and slides his hands up to my wrists, flipping the position and now  _I'm_ the one that is slammed against the hard outside of a strangers car. 

It's always gonna end this way. 

I can try all I want but he's always going to end up on top. (Grace I stg) 

And I feel the panic, I feel the way he must feel when I come onto him like this, and there  _is_ that moment of panic when you think something will go wrong, someone will see or the other won't reciprocate the action. 

"Ry-" I stagger my breathing and he watches, eyes dark and searching. 

My wrists feel like jelly. 

I mine as well not even be able to move because now I can't feel my hands even when I'm trying to twist them out of his grip and god  _damn_ he's strong for such a skinny boy. 

"What?" he mumbles and I shake my head. 

"Do something already, someone'll see." I slur and he smirks. 

"Now who's worried about being caught?" he asks like an asshole and I roll my eyes, leaning forward. 

"C'mon, please." I whisper and he lets me go, the release sudden and way too unexpected for my liking. 

"Let's go." he says warmly, grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs to the sidewalk. I follow in shock, disbelief. 

That little bitch. 

That little _bitch_.

I follow him, tugging my hand away and sulking behind him. I can see his shoulders shaking, the blades on his back prominent through his thin skin and his hair bouncing on his neck. 

Fuck him. 

Fuck him and his perfect everything. 

“If you keep making that face no one is going to want to kiss you.” Ryan comments slightly loud, crossing the street onto school grounds and I follow, trying to make a neutral face. To please him. He doesn’t like it when I frown. 

“You so owe me.” I say grumpily and Ryan’s laugh rings in my ear. 

“And why is that?” 

“B-because.” I start and he looks over his shoulder. 

“Let things happen naturally Bren. Not every time we’re alone I’ll attack your face.” He says casually, but the image makes me laugh and he smiles in return. 

"But you want to, right?" I ask, sounding needy but after being rejected so many times I'm starting to think he isn't as into this as I thought he was. Every time I try he says no, or later. But then when we actually get into it he's all for it, rushed and desperate and eager and all the things he should be all the time. 

"Of course I want to." he says, sounding slightly hurt. "What made you think I don't want to." he stops outside the auditorium doors and positions himself away from the glass so that the people inside can't see us very well. 

"I...I don't know," I mumble, kicking the ground under my feet. "I just, I try all the time to start something in you and it never works." Ryan sighs at this, and he makes me feel like a child. 

"I'ts not because I don't want to,  _god_ I want to," he groans "But I can't jeopardize you. Someone sees Ryan Ross making out with some guy in town, no big deal. Someone sees Ryan Ross making out with Kara Urie's younger brother, his best friend, that'll make headlines Bren you don't want that." 

Well shit. 

I suppose this is important. 

"Ok, I understand what you mean." I say clearly and I feel fingers under my chin. 

"I promise it'll happen, it'll happen over and over again you just gotta be patient." he says gently and I nod. 

"Ok." 

We walk into the auditorium and are greeted with the sight of 40, maybe 50 people all huddled on the stairs leading up to the stage. It’s a large auditorium, big bright lights and rows and rows of moss green chairs leading down to the stage. I swallow and Ryan pushes me forward, guiding me down the aisle. 

There’s a lot of people here. 

A lot. 

Ryan sighs as if he’s annoyed and struts down the darkened aisle until he’s in the light, turning to some kids I don’t know and smiling. 

“Hey guys, I’m Ryan.” He says to a group of freshman, people I know but don’t associate with and they nod with blush creeping up their necks. 

“You’re Ryan Ross.” A girl breathes in amazement, brown hair and blue eyes. Ryan chuckles and nods. 

“Yeah.” He answers and cards fingers through his hair. I’ve done the same thing to him, he’s done that to me.

“You’re, you’re such an inspiration.” She says and oh my god it’s just Ryan, he’s not a celebrity. 

“Thank you, that means a lot.” He says in his fucking charming voice, literally making her bounce off the walls and she smiles, eyes curtained with bangs. 

“I look forward to you performing as Christian.” Her voice is light, airy, amazed. 

“Thanks, I’m excited too.” Ryan responds and turns to a boy next to her. “Are you excited for the show?” 

“Mhmm!” He looks up at Ryan with starry eyes, and I’m getting a little sick of this act.

Its just Ryan. 

I don’t know where this sudden jealously is coming from. I mean, I should be happy for him, I shouldn't even care but I do. I care too much and that isn’t good I don’t think. 

I look at the kids with lidded eyes, not amused with their little fantasies about _Ryan Ross_ because he’s _mine._ He’s always been _my_ friend and _my_ sisters companion and the fact that these kids are fawning over him like he’s Mathew Morrison or something is obscure. 

Ryan seems to notice, cause when he looks over at me his eyebrows furrow and he stares for a second. 

“What?” I say lightly, face dissolving back to the way it should look and his eyes flicker over my frame. 

“Nothin. This is Brendon.” Ryan says, putting a possessive, no not possessive, _encouraging_ hand on my lower back and pushing me forward. 

“We know.” The girl says, smiling at me and I smile back. She’s nice I guess, I have Spanish with her. 

“Ok good, hope you guys enjoy the meeting.” Ryan concludes with a smile and leads me over to where Sisky and the boys from Thursday night are camped out in the left aisle. 

His hand leaves my back and I choke down a sigh, Ryan leans down slightly to my level. 

“What is the _matter_ with you?” He asks and I shrug, avoiding his gaze.

”Nothing.” I say and when I look up his eyes are boring into mine and I sigh in exhaustion. “I...I don’t know. Something about that interaction...” I trail off and I can practically hear his smile, cocky and knowing.

“You’re jealous?” He cocks his head even though he already knows and I roll my eyes.

“Of course not.” I spit and he bumps my side with his.

“I think someone’s jealous that everyone thinks they can have a piece of me."  Ryan chuckles, seemingly very amused by my flustered state and I frown slightly, disappointed in myself and embarrassed that I let my emotions show so much. 

"I'm not...jealous." I say, lying through my teeth and Ryan laughs, putting an arm around my shoulder. 

"I know that you are," he says, ignoring my words completely and he leans down again. "it's pretty hot." he murmurs in my ear and my ears perk up at this, my eyes widening but now it's too late and we're surrounded by the boys. 

"Hey guys!" Sisky chirps and Ryan smiles, giving him a man-hug and I watch in slight annoyance. 

"Hi." Ryan greets them all and I hang behind, positioning myself behind Ryan and pressing myself against him for comfort. 

I'm still not used to this. 

"Hey I never got to ask you guys if you got home alright." Spencer says randomly and Ryan's eyebrows raise, his mouth opening but no words come out. 

"Uh, yeah...kinda." Ryan smiles sheepishly and Spencer cocks his head. 

"What happened?" 

"So I couldn't take Brendon home in time because George was elsewhere," Ryan taps the side of his head and the group nods in unison "And Brendon said he'd just sleep over if it meant I wouldn't get in trouble." Ryan explains, and the group mumbles something that sounds like an acknowledgement. 

"So he slept over? On a Thursday night?" Jon asks and Ryan and I nod at the same time. 

"Yeah..." Ryan says calmly, looking at them strangely. 

Sisky gives Ryan an odd look, glancing between me and him and wiggling his eyebrows. Ryan shoves him and bares his teeth, Sisky backing down immediately. 

I pretend I don't see. 

But I see it, the way he gets when someone even teases him the slightest. It suggests he's been through hell, and no one really seems to notice the toll it's taken on him. He hates it when someone so much as says the word queer. 

It's as if he's ashamed. 

"Hey now," I laugh worriedly, grabbing Ryan's bicep and tugging him towards me, "everything's ok." I say this in a joking tone, yet the way Ryan's posture slumps and relaxes tells me that's something he really needed to hear. 

"He slept on the floor." I say with a smile and the guys laugh, a friendly laugh and Ryan smiles crookedly. He's embarrassed. Clearly embarrassed about how he just acted and I don’t really blame him. 

But he shouldn't be so rattled. These are his friends they should support him.

Spencer opens his mouth to say something but before he can there's a loud round of claps and we turn to see Mr Leeds walking onto the stage. The older kids got and holler, one yells "You're iconic!" And I choose to ignore the boisterous theater kids and sit down on the floor with Ryan and the rest of them. 

"Hey guys," Mr Leeds begins with a smile and the group focuses on him, all eyes on him and he basks in it, eyes shining behind glasses and cheekbones apparent. 

"So as most of you know by now the show this year is Moulin Rouge," he says and is interrupted by a round of claps, "And the two stars of the show are Ryan Ross as Christian and Keltie Knight as Satine." Another round of applause sounds and Ryan grins, looking around the room and nodding at people who yell his name. I sit beside him, too close, much closer then i should be but he's mine and if people are going to be staring at him then at least I'll be right there. 

Not protective, just possessive.

"Alright so we're gonna start off with some general announcements. The set will be coming in later this month so when it does, please, no climbing on the elephant." Mr Leeds sighs "you're high schoolers you should know better." The group nods in understanding and I can't wait to scale that paper mache peice of art while Ryan sings. 

"Another warning," Mr Leeds looks at the girls. "You all are responsible for keeping your costumes in order. I was told that girls were more tidy but seeing your dressing rooms after Sweet Charity I was appalled." Mr Leeds says in a serious, yet light tone and the girls nod obediently, some of the older ones giggling and some rolling their eyes. 

"Boys, no sneaking around the girl's dressing room unless you need to be fitted, pinned, or sewed back together." Mr Leeds turns to us and I blush, Ryan chuckling. 

We don't have private rooms to change? 

I'll be changing with Ryan?

Fuck me.

"I expect you to be off book in about three months, my husband Mr Respar will be coming over the weekend rehearsals to practice choreography." He looks at Ryan and winks "you'll be fine Ross don't worry." 

He laughs beside me, a wonderful sound. It's almost better than his singing and he smiles, showing off bright rows of slightly crooked teeth when he grins. I don't think he's ever had braces and he's beautiful. 

He’s so beautiful, and I can remember a time when he wasn't. 

Something about his left front tooth is off, it sticks out ever so slightly and gives him a more disheveled appearance but I couldnt care less. 

He’s beautiful and I can't remember a time when he wasn't. 

Mr Leeds continues to talk even though half of the lower classmen aren't listening until he concludes with another clap and "So does anyone know the story?" 

He gets a few hands from the upperclassmen, Ryan included and he seems disappointed by the amount of students who have no idea what the fuck Moulin rouge is. 

"Ryan wanna give them the jist?" He raises an eyebrow and Ryan shrugs, standing up and walking to the center of the room. 

"So there's this writer named Christian," he starts, pointing at himself in case you were an idiot. "And he meets this girl Satine who works as an "entertainer" in this place called the Moulin Rouge. Long story short, she mistakes him for some rich guy she's been hired to hang around with and he falls in love with her, and ultimately they fall in love." Ryan ends quickly, looking anxious and Mr Leeds shrugs. 

"I guess that's as elementary as you can make it, thank you Ryan." He says and Ryan sits back down, hand on my knee and I close my eyes for a fraction of a second at the touch. 

"You'll all learn more as we go along. As for now, thank you for coming and I'll see you all on Monday!" Mr Leeds says cheerfully and people stand up, dissolving out of the room like condensation on a cold glass and Ryan collects himself and walks up the aisle. 

"You ready?" He asks for the second time today and I nod. 

"You coming home with me?" I ask and he checks his phone quickly. 

"And staying." He adds, which is a bittersweet response because as much as I’d love for Ryan to sleep over, there's going to be some complications with the situation. 

"Ok." I respond lightly and he smiles, walking into the bright and airy music hall. 

"Remember," he laughs, "nothing under your roof." 

"I know." I roll my eyes in response, following him out the door. 

Doesn't mean I'll listen. 


	9. Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro this is some cute shit ngl

There are times in your life when you doubt yourself. Not always when you’re on your own or after someone belittled you in a way. There are sometimes when you just don't trust yourself to do what's right. Well I know what I'm doing. 

Ita considered a Sunday because when I glance at the analog clock it reads 12:06 am and that lets me know it is in fact a new day. It's pitch black outside my windows, the only silhouette visible are tree branches stretching past the panes of glass.

I know what I'm doing.

im aware of the circumstances I've placed myself in, aware of my bare feet against the carpet and aware of the tiny sounds my floor makes as I pace around my bedroom. 

I know what I'm doing.

The little people in my little house are sleeping in their little beds, little dreams on display in their little heads but I can't partake in the bliss of unconsciousness because Ryan is asleep in the room across the hall and I cant bear to sleep alone when there's a warm body that could be next to me. 

Three people in the building and one of which I'm infatuated with. 

I know what I'm doing. 

And I try to convince myself of that statement while I ruffle my hair repeatedly and stare at my black ceiling for some kind of answer. Something that’ll let me know it’s ok, that I can handle this and it isn’t a big idea. 

What if he’s awake? 

I shake the thought from my head, doubtful that it could be possible and that he could be doing the same thing, pacing around the guest room just across the hall. Twenty feet, less then twenty steps and it would be so easy. So simple.  

We got home around one, like Ryan said and I went up to my room the second I got home, getting away from him before I made things too obvious and ruined our lives. Sadly Kara kept encouraging me to hang out with her and Ryan, saying it would "help us bond for the upcoming months." I responded with "Thanks but I think we've bonded enough.", which got an annoyed face from Ryan and an eye roll from Kara. Eventually, they left me alone and stopped knocking on my bedroom door. It was hell, sitting behind my bedroom door watching tv or playing Play Sation. It helped keep my mind off things, but after a few hours I was itching to see Ryan, and the fact I could hear him speaking excitedly in the other room for hours didn't help. That's what he and Kara did, they talked. They lay on her bed and turn off all the lights and lay on her bed and just talk. About everything. I could hear some, snippings of sentences about school and some crap about a boy Kara is supposed to like. Ryan added things, speaking softly and gently and I smiled to myself, turning down the volume of the game so I could hear them better.

He cares a lot 

He cares a lot about her. 

I wonder if he cares about me like that. He has to, right? If he didn’t care he wouldn’t be so nice all the time. He’d treat me like shit, not like his right hand man. 

“You’re going insane.” I mumble to myself, flopping down on my bed and trying to close my eyes. It’s dark, too dark and to be honest, too cold. Maybe it’s too cold because I’m half naked. Putting on a shirt could solve this instead of just wearing a pair of my dad’s light blue pajama pants. I can feel my hair tickling my forehead, the back of my neck. I know it’s a mess. I know my eyes are bloodshot and droopy from a lack of sleep. I know my clothes are winkled from tossing and turning. 

Ryan’s probably are too. 

Ryan is probably laying splayed in the sheets hugging the comforter, head tilted to the right and eyes closed gently. His mouth in a slight frown as his mind takes him places I can’t imagine. He probably lays limp, mind and body light and comfortable and he probably is wearing a shirt. That’s the downside to having him in my own home. He likes to feel safe and comfortable, which means wearing clothes unlike how he is in his own home. I'm not wearing a lot of clothes however, partially because I was too hot getting into bed and partially because when I “run into” Ryan in the morning grabbing a glass of orange juice I’d rather be half naked then wearing a t shirt. Maybe I planned it this way. Maybe halfway through pulling on a shirt earlier I stopped, stood still for a while, then pulled it right off. 

Maybe. 

But you'll never know. 

Perhaps I wore my baggiest bottoms, the ones that hang low on my hips and show off the lines of muscle that form a V down my crotch that I happen to be very proud of. Being a sixteen year old freshman has it's benefits, one of which is being a lot more physically advanced then many of the other boys. I'm growing fast, in many places including my brain which is probably why this whole thing with Ryan is driving me crazy. To make a long story short hormones are taking over my body and Ryan knows that, and is practically torturing me with his whole "being careful" bullshit. 

Hormones. I'll blame it on my brain, blame the countless thoughts about Ryan's bare skin and his voice in the morning and the way he looks at me with his honey eyes and yeah, it's just my brain. Yeah, it's just my brain. Let's say that. 

I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if it tears his brain apart like it does mine. If he uses thoughts of me to pass the time and wishes the thoughts could become reality. I wonder if he misses me, or if his eyes are closed and his brain is far in rem sleep, if his lips curl up like they do and his breathing is still, rhythmic. I can try and divulge myself in his head for as long as I can, I can try and pretend that he'd feel something strong in his stomach the second he'd see my figure in his room. 

I stand up, dragging myself to my feet and pressing a hand to my wall, cool stucco against my palm and I lean my forehead against it. This is literally tearing me apart. I can’t take this. But I can, I can just fall asleep or I could pass out, I could take a sleeping pill. 

Kara has sleeping pills. 

Kara has sleeping pills for her insomnia and I use them when my brain just won’t stop. I could do it tonight, just pop one and boom I’d be out like a light. But then I’d sleep until eleven, and I would want to get up to hang with Ryan. 

Ryan. 

“Fuck.” I hiss under my breath, flinching away from the wall and standing in the middle of my room. My legs feel heavy, hard to control and I sway in place. A completely out of body experience starts to come over me and I know what I have to do. 

I know this. 

Its not a big deal. I literally just waltz out of my room and into Ryan’s. Tell him I can’t sleep or something like that and climb in bed with him. Set an alarm on my phone for like six or seven in the morning and sneak out before Kara gets up. 

There are so many things that could go wrong with that. 

Kara could wake up early and see, Ryan could say no, the alarm could not wake me up but wake everyone else up and fuck me over. Ryan could say no. 

Ryan could say no. 

But Ryan said that he wanted to, right? He had said he wanted to so badly but was only looking out for my best interests. 

Screw my best interests. 

He’s my best interest. 

Make up your goddamn mind already. 

I hear myself huff without meaning to, and I make up my mind. 

I’ve made up my mind. 

My hand is on the knob of the door leading out into the hallway before I can second guess myself again and I turn it quickly, almost wrenching open the door and I startle the figure on the other side. It flinches, stepping back and it’s taller than me, thin and lanky. 

I make a choking sound, jumping back and feeing hair spike up on the back of my neck. 

“Brendon!” The voice whispers in a tone that’s half shocked, half urgent and I tilt my head to the side and stare. Shapes start to come into view as my eyes adjust to the dim light. 

“Ryan...?” I lean forward and stare at him, taking a step forward and he straightens himself out. 

"What are you doing?" he asks immediately and my eyebrows pull together in confusion. 

"What are  _you_ doing." I retort defensively and he pauses, inhaling. 

"I...I...um." he fidgets in his position for a few seconds and I watch, curiously analyzing him. 

"Couldn't sleep?" I ask and his silhouette shrugs, leaning on the door frame. 

"You were making a lot of noise." he says quietly and I roll my eyes even though he can't see me. I take a step back, farther into my room and I wait and see if he'll follow. 

He does. 

"Checking up on me, are you?" My tone is playful, and Ryan's posture and the way he's breathing right now suggests he's embarrassed. He shouldn't be. 

"Well I mean it's the middle of the night and you're muttering and thumping around." he says defensively, as if he has to have a reason to come to my room in the middle of the night. He doesn't.

"What if I was doing something you weren't meant to see huh? Thumping around." I chuckle, stepping backwards again and Ryan's figure coughs uncomfortably. 

No filter. 

"Uh, I was just checking to see if you were alright." He mumbles, taking tentative steps closer and  I can feel my calfs press against the edge of the bed. I can't move any farther back so it's up to him to make a move. 

"Thanks." I say quietly, standing seemingly tall and confident while Ryan creeps closer and stays just a few inches away from me. 

"No problem." he whispers, swaying where he stands and I look out the window. A plane flies by and a blinking red light makes it's way across the sky outside, my eyes following it. 

"It's late." I comment, eyes darting towards the analog clock on my nightstand and Ryan's face doesn't move an inch. 

"I know." 

His voice is deep, raspier then normal but sweet and slick like a dripping ice cream cone.

I want to see him. 

I lean over and flick on my lamp, golden light flooding the room in a soft glow and I keep my eyes on Ryan, his pupils shrinking rapidly, going from soft and approachable to dilated and sharp. He isn't started by the bright light in his face, he just blinks repeatedly looking slightly lost, or in a trance of some kind. I was right; his hair is tousled like it's been pulled and his shirt is sticking to skin in awkward bunches that make ripples in the fabric across the expanse of his torso. Sweatpants pool at his feet in an almost adorable way, like he's still growing into his clothes even as a seventeen year old.

Ryan is young for his grade, I am old. I asses this quickly, our differences. The situation pauses briefly in my mind and I can compare us two. He is taller then me, and very slim. Long arms and long legs yet they're lanky and make him look almost stretched. We're almost the same size, he's just...more skinny I suppose. His eyes are the kind of brown that's bright and warm where as mine are dark and inky, ones you can drown in. They come in handy when I don't want to show emotion, when I don't really care. My hair is black and straight with some natural wave and scruff, it's been the same for literally years. Ryan's has not. He's always had wavy hair, longer hair, for as long as I can remember but things changed when he and Kara were just beginning to become teens.

Everyone their age went through that phase of straightening their hair until it was pin straight and crunchy. Literally everyone. Ryan tried so hard, and spent so much time doing it and he got so sick of his curls getting in the way. I still remember that one day when Kara answered the door only to have him come in the house unannounced during my piano piano lesson with chestnut brown clippings all over his shirt and tears in his eyes. It seems silly to think of it now, but comparing it to his behavior more recently I feel like he's wanted to fit in for so long, and he's gone to so many lengths to do that but it just seems out of his character in my opinion. 

Now that I think about it that's not the only thing he's done. Ryan has a history of doing things he shouldn't in order to fit in. I would never bring it up now, but I've heard conversations between them, Kara arguing with him about red eyes and dropping grades and Ryan storming out of our house and slamming doors. Kara scolding him loudly when he would come over, _her_ Ryan showing up with bruises on his neck and tired eyes. Slow blinks and wispy ways of going about things. She was so frustrated with him, I guess that's when I started my grudge against him, when it started to affect Kara.

Ryan isn't as inspiring as many people crack him up to be in all honesty. He's much better now, but he wasn't always perfect. 

For split second in the midst of reminiscing I'm reminded of a memory from maybe a year and a half ago. Kara was screaming at Ryan to get out of our house and Ryan shouting back. They weren't holding back, full fledged screaming since my parents were in Florida and Ryan had come over and something about the way he looked or was acting really pushed Kara over the edge. It was as if he was her husband, coming home late with lipstick on his collar and I had been the child, sitting in my room with the door cracked, hidden in the corner while they battled it out. Normally I'd ignore it, just an argument I'd assume and brush it off. But that time around the words being shouted weren't friendly, and now I understand what had made Ryan so mad when Kara said he was being just like his father. After that, the room was silent, the hall was silent, the house was silent. 

And Ryan just left. 

Ryan left and Kara cried and I put on headphones and tried to forget the fact that Karas voice was sore and ragged while she cried because she had been hollering "don't touch me!" So loud her voice cracked from the power. 

I blink, warping back into present time and Ryan's staring at me, honey eyes warm and comforting. I try to remind myself that he's ok now, that I'm ok but I forget, and Ryan's face falls, turning pale. 

"What's wrong? What is it tell me." His tone is urgent care, rushed and worried. 

I can't find the words to say I'm scared of him sometimes. That he truly makes me so nervous I can't even look at him and it's not all because of the way he used to act. 

It was always pretty much an act with him, on stage or not. 

"I..." I suddenly feel sick to my stomach, I can't accept this about him it's not something I ever wanted to know it makes my heart ache for him. 

I feel so sick. 

It's like finding out the person you've liked for months turned you down with the promise of patience, and you find out they're with someone else. It's how you feel when you know something you shouldn't but you can't say it out loud or it'll detonate a bomb you won't be able to control. 

It's not the right time. 

He's said that to me before.

"You look frightened." He says carefully and I shake my head, grabbing him and pulling him closely. 

"I'm not. I promise. Just lost in thought that's all." I mumble and he nods like he believes it, because he does believe it. 

Then again he might not.

I hug him tightly, my arms wrapping around his neck and our chests pressing closely together. He smells so distinct in the way he bathes and how there's always  just a hint of artificial strawberry from the gum in his car giving him enough time to smell like it around the clock. 

His arms wrap around my waist as well and it's insane that I feel like this is more intimate than just kissing him. It's silent, just me with my arms around as much of him as I can hold, my face tucked under his chin and how his hands are below my shoulder blades, not my lower back and this time he holds protectively, not possessively. I close my eyes and sink into him, and almost as if on cue he starts to sway left and right slowly in an attempt to calm me. 

He knows just what to do. 

"It's ok, you're ok. Whatever it is you'll be just fine." He whispers and I believe him, I truly believe him. 

It's something I'll always do. 

He's so warm, he's always been that way and it's almost as if I gravitate towards his heat or something. A lizard in the shade. It ends far too soon when he pulls back and I'm still standing surprisingly, yet I can't feel my feet. 

I can't feel my face. 

But I reach out and touch his, dragging my fingertips against his jaw and he blinks, not saying anything and not looking like he's going to. I touch his face and really _feel_ it, the slight stubbly feel on his face despite how smooth it looks, and the way his cheekbones pull up as if god or someone was pulling strings. He stands and lets me observe, let’s me both see and touch without disrupting my  movement either because he likes it or he doesn’t want to disturb the peace and calm demeanor I’ve just started to sprout. 

I’ve got nothing else to say. 

He’s got me here alone and I have nothing else to say. Literally no words to tell him whether they be good or bad and I can’t tell if he satisfied with my silence or not. 

“What’s wrong?” He repeats in a gentle whisper, hands traveling down to my waist and my body buzzes to life at his hands on my bare skin.

I close my eyes, shaking my head slowly and putting my face on his bony shoulder. For now I’ll just be quiet, as to not disturb the peace and he can tell that I’m upset about something based on my shy movements and tentative touches. 

I think he knows what’s wrong, but I might be wrong. 

I wont tell him, I won’t do anything to allude to the fact that I may just be slightly irked about him. I'm sure it's only momentary, bad memories popping up to spoil the day so I won't think about it too much. 

“You’re tired.” He notes and I almost want to roll my eyes because obviously. 

I nod into his skin, nudging the area below his collarbones and he tries to guide me down, onto the bed, away from him. But I cling to him immediately, suddenly rushed and panicked yet I don't know why, my breathing stuttering in my throat and he makes a confused noise from the middle of his throat. 

“Hey, calm down.” He says quietly and surprised, almost cooing in the way he talks yet it’s still strict. 

I inhale quickly, choking on my breath and pressing against him tighter, arms around his neck squeezing and face completely buried in him. 

Don't let me go. 

Please don't let me go. 

“Please.” he asks, not in a begging or pleading way just saying it out loud, just asking me nicely. I sigh softly, resting my cheek against his shoulder and looking up at him. He looks down at me and smiles slightly, eyes friendly again and getting used to the soft lighting. 

Hes so soft. 

This is so safe. 

I don’t know why I would ever think any differently then that. 

He tries to sit down, having to turn both of us around and now he's the one against the bed, because I'm nowhere close to letting go of him and he knows that. He sits down up on the pillows and I stay latched around his neck. It's a childish position, me clinging to him like he's my last hope and him petting my hair gently and with so much care. It makes me feel young, dependent, and so out of character but with Ryan it feels natural. It feels safe and ok and he doesn't mind and likes me anyway. 

There really isn't time to feel self conscious, with my arms around his head, my fingers tangled in his hair and my face placed right in the crook of his neck, breathing him in. He smells like a girl, I know I've said that before somewhere but its true. He smells fruity and fragrant and clean overall just so  _nice_ and I can't believe me out of all people has him literally wrapped around my finger. 

"I wish you'd tell me what's the matter." he mutters into my hair and I really don't think he's going to give up, no matter how silent I remain. 

"I was just thinking about stuff." I say. A juvenile answer. I almost scoff at myself for saying that out loud. It's like when someone says "I met this cute guy" and then won't tell you their name. It's cruel, just cruel and I don't even have to think about what he says next because I could predict it automatically. 

"Well what kinda stuff?" he asks, tone still light yet there's an edge to it I catch immediately. 

"Just some stuff about you. I don't know it doesn't matter." I blow off the conversation, being dismissive and his shoulders slump. Slump or relax I can't tell but my face falls a little bit from where it's been perched. I jerk momentarily and Ryan scoots down so he's almost laying and I reposition myself on his chest now, just under his throat. 

“I probably already know, considering it’s stuff about me. Wanna talk about it?” He asks gently and I rub my face against the cotton of his shirt. 

“I guess so.” I mumble and he cards fingers through my hair. 

"Ok, go ahead." He encourages, and god it's a bittersweet love when he talks to me like that. 

"When you were...younger," I start, my tone almost shaky because I don't know whether or not he'll get angry if I want to talk about him. "What did you and Kara always fight about?" 

He pauses for a second, his fingers hesitating in my hair and I know he tries to play it off like he was starting over but when they return they're more nervous, the movements tentative like he was earlier. 

"I knew you were going to ask that." He sighs softly and takes a deep breath. "...So around the other year I met these kids, and they were really cool and popular and I was that gay kid with the gay hair and gay clothes and I wanted to fit in you know, you remember." He says pointedly. "Well I met these kids and they accepted me pretty quickly, invited me to parties though I never had the guts to go. When you and Kara went on a vacation one week I went to one of their annual parties for some dumb reason, probably because I was lonely, and it was terrible. There was people everywhere and loud music, bad music. Just people everywhere; girls in skimpy clothes and guys with solo cups watching them squirm around a crowd. I escaped from the kitchen to the basement, the basement I think and they had pot. Loads of pot and good pot too Jesus Christ. " he takes a moment to collect himself.

"I smoked some with this cute guy that I never saw again and that was the beginning of some bad choices. When you and Kara got back I told her I went but not what I did and she was cautious at first, nervous. Then she became almost like a micro manager, checking up on me all the time and I got the sense of...of wanting to rebel." He says, struggling to fine the words and i let him talk. Let him take his time. 

"So I started buying my own weed from a kid that's grown up now and I was doing it by myself all the time. Literally all the time. George didn't know, hell he almost encouraged it, so I took bottles of beer and stashed them all around, if he noticed he never let me know." His tone is almost sad, laced with bitter disappointment. "This girl Quincey , the younger sister of a senior guy I liked came to one of the get-togethers one night and...l" Ryan trails off, his voice dying completely and I roll over to see that his eyes are closed. 

"...and I wanted this guy to like me, I wanted to get closer to him and so I hooked up with his younger sister. I was blazed, so it wasn't very detrimental to my sexuality but when I woke up the basement was practically empty and my neck was sore and my lips were chapped. I didn't really remember shit, nor did I care so I went home, took a shower, and drove to your house looking for some kind of clarity. I needed something familiar I suppose. But the second Kara saw my neck she freaked out, telling me I wasn't welcome around you looking like that." 

 _Oh_. 

I blink, staring at him and he's looking at me now looking so fucking sorry and I want to kiss his cheek and tell him it's alright. 

But it'll come in time. 

"I argued, said you didn't even care and she said you looked up to me, and that she wasn't going to burst your bubble of thinking I was this big strong older kid with so much wisdom and talent. She didn't even want me in the house, I couldn't take a step forward even if I needed to. She had had enough, I suppose." Ryan says with a hint of bitterness that I almost don't catch.

"I got better though, for her. Stopped being so dependent on everything and tried to take control of my life because no one was there to help me and one day in May maybe, George and I got into some argument I can't remember and he was terrible, horrific and I couldn't stay at home I had to leave so I took my keys and ran to Spencer's house and we drank so much beer Brendon," he sighs again. "We drank so much shit because it was hot and humid and I was angry and he was pliant to anything I wanted to do so we drank a shit ton and I rode over with him and Jon to be dropped at yours but when Kara realized I was shitfaced we argued. I know you heard, I saw your light on even that late and I knew I shouldn't have been bringing all my shit into your home and your family's life but I didn't have anyone else. It was a complete shit show and I tried to grab her, let her know I'm still Ryan but she freaked, shook me off and screamed as if I had burned her or something," 

The story starts to get familiar. 

"And I told her to stop being so uptight and she told me to stop being so much like my father." Ryan stops now, just stops and ceases all his words and his eyes close again and I don't think he wants me to see him cry. 

I don't think he'll let himself even do it. 

"I left. I went back to Spencer's and that was that." He says carefully and I inch closer to his face where his eyes follow me. 

"I'm sorry." I say, truly and deeply meaning it. I am sorry. For him, for Kara, for even myself and I knew I should've asked earlier about this. 

"No I am." He says quickly, shaking his head "you never needed nor deserved the hostility in your house that year."

I look down, at his chest. Think about that for a second. "I didn't notice. It came and passed like a ripple on a lake Ryan I only hated you so much this year because of how unhappy you made Kara. I was completely fine I don't know why you care so much." Ryan seems almost offended by this and opens his mouth immediately. 

"I care because it's my fault, all my fault and no one can disagree. I made Kara anxious and miserable, and even if you didn't really notice the warfare in the relationship right next to you I still cared. I still do. I always liked you a lot you just didn't like me." 

"I guess not." I mumble and look at him closer. He has a patient calm look on his face. Jaw resting in a neutral expression and his eyes lowered and friendly. 

"You like me now, right?" he asks, making eye contact this time and I furrow my eyebrows. 

"Of course I like you." I say defensively and Ryan nods. 

"What made you think of last year?" He asks and I shrug. 

"Unexplainable deja vu I guess." I respond and he swallows audibly. 

"-Do you trust me?" he blurts out and my eyes widen. 

What? 

"What?" I say out loud and he repeats the question. 

"Do you trust me?" 

"Of course I trust you." I say immediately. Ryan nods, looking apprehensive about the whole thing. The real question is, does he trust me? 

"Ok." he mutters, hands tracing down my face and I close my eyes. 

"Why do you ask?" I mumble, eyelids still shiedling me from his probably worried face and I'm kind of glad they are. 

"I just...I don't know. I feel like maybe you were asking about that because you were doubting me or something." he says quietly and I scoff, trying to lighten the mood that's settled on us like sand underwater. 

"I would never. Ryan, I would never." I say, hoping that I'm not lying but in all honesty I don't think I am, I hope I'm not. 

I pray I'm not letting him down. 

"Really?" he whispers, and his voice has never sounded so truly  _hopeless_ and it's ragged, destroyed, like there's nothing left of it. 

I hate it. 

There's a vibe around this room, I can see it and feel it even when my eyes are closed and my hands are on his chest but I can't still sense the golden glow softly illuminating the room. I can see his hair flopping in front of his face when he moves and I can see the way his mouth twitches nervously. I can feel his fingers in my hair, the pads of them massaging my scalp slowly and hesitantly.  I can feel his breath, I can feel the heat coming off of him in waves and I know that he's right here even when I feel far away, and floating farther by every second.  

"yes." I mumble and I feel him immediately relax under me. He breathes out steadily and I open my eyes. 

From this angle Ryan's chin is tilted up, making his jaw look like a triangle that's edges are rounded at the tips. You can see the lines of his veins on his neck, the slight stubble that's just barely gracing his face, the curls of brown hair that wrap around his face. You can see his lips and how they're pursed looking down at me. 

A car drives by and the shadow of the window is cast onto the wall, traveling across the expanse of grey paint until it flashes across his face, lighting up his eyes and they sparkle just for me. I'm the only one here to see it, I'm the only one that'll ever get to see it. 

"Can you turn out the light?" I ask and Ryan tilts his head. 

"Are you going to go to sleep?" his tone is light and purely inquisitive, sweet. 

"I guess so." I respond and he nods, reaching over and twisting the dial until the glow vanishes with a small click. 

"I should probably leave." He says quietly, sadly, disappointingly. 

He doesn't even try to hide it. 

"You shouldn't." I argue, leaning up on my elbows on either side of his chest and facing him even though I can just barely see the outlines of his face. I can see him, just enough of him to satisfy me. 

"It's late." 

"Bullshit." I spit and he cracks a smile that I missed so badly without even realizing it until I saw the familiar expression grace his face. 

"I don't know what you could possibly want to do besides sleep right now." he rubs his face in a tired way. 

"Don't play stupid asshole." I complain and Ryan chuckles, reaching out and cupping my face affectionately. 

"I'm sorry." he hums, looking at me intently and I roll my eyes and lean forward, kissing him gently. 

It's all rosebuds from there, his lips against mine. He goes slow, careful and calculated. I go fast, passionate and desperate. we meet somewhere in between, where our lips meet. It's something both of us adjust to, each-others preferences or style I should say. We have our different ways of going about things and it shows who both of us are. Ryan likes things to be sensual, slow and meaningful and while I love that, I can't get enough of what he tries to give me and I keep going, faster and faster even when he tries to slow me down. It's like I'll always need more, I'll never be satisfied with what he's giving me because I'll always be this infatuated with him. He makes me feel things I can't explain, a certain way I may not want to own up to. 

Ryan's hand grips the back of my neck and I throw a leg over his waist and sit in his lap, pulling myself up onto him and he groans slightly. 

"heavy, am I?" I laugh breathlessly, pulling away and Ryan rolls his eyes, holding my waist with steady hands. 

"maybe just a little." he jokes, or I hope he jokes and I chuckle, diving down and capturing his lips. His hands trail up and down my back, the skin warming up under his fingertips and he makes little sighing noises as we kiss. My hands stay placed on his chest and I bite at his bottom lip, making him whine softly and kiss back harder. He will go fast if I want him to, if he wants to but the second he takes control of things the balance will switch, it's how it always is. He makes me think I'm in charge and the second he wants to be he does. 

"Can we-?" I gasp out, not really knowing what I'm asking for and Ryan nods, sitting up and I tumble backwards, getting to my knees on the bed. Ryan throws off his shirt and tugs me down, my head hitting the pillow and in my stunned state Ryan slots a leg between my thighs and starts sucking on my neck. I let out an embarrassingly breathless whimper and Ryan chuckles deeply, lowly, and continues to nibble and suck at the skin. He trails up to my ear, which makes my eyelids flutter and I have to slap a hand over my mouth to quiet down. 

"Ryan-stop." I gasp and he does, trailing back down to my chest this time and looking up at me. 

"You can hide marks if I do them here right?" he asks and I nod. 

"Sure, if you want to." 

He nods quickly, lips quickly finding their way to my collarbone and I lay there staring at the pitch black ceiling, eyes fluttering and hands twitching while Ryan attacks my skin with his mouth. I don't like it. I mean, I  _love_ it, but I don't like how lonely it makes me feel. 

A few minutes goes by and Ryan looks up. "...What?" 

I immediately tense, face going pale and a hundred worrying thoughts cross my mind. "What?"

"You're being a little unresponsive." he says quietly and suddenly I feel really bad. 

"I don't mean to be, I miss you up here..." I mumble and he smiles so innocently and crawls back up until we're face to face. 

"Why don't you just enjoy my hickies? When I'm away they'll be there, hold you off." he says and it's pretty goddamn hot how low his voice is right now. Still a whisper. 

"Ok." I nod in agreement.

He leans over to my ear, biting the lobe and as I whine at the feeling he mutters "I've been wanting to mark you up, you're mine now." 

The second the sentence leaves his mouth I whimper. So loudly his hand flies up to my mouth and he bites the skin under my jaw. 

"quiet." he hisses, tone angry and rushed and I stay completely still. I know my body will react to that more than any of the things that have been happening in the past ten or so minutes and it won't be pretty if it does. 

"sorry." I whisper and he knows that, so he moves his hand away and takes my mouth like he owns it, tongue battling mine and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down closer. 

His kissing is no longer sweet and savored, it's manic and rushed and deep and everything I strive for whenever we have a chance to get this close. I almost can’t handle it, the intensity of what he’s giving me right now. He’s going at it hard, fingertips pressing into my sides, pushing me down into my own mattress in my own home and it’s really fucking hot I’m not going to lie. His skin presses against mine and it’s the best feeling. Soft, slightly sweaty skin on skin and biting, tongues and fingers eveywhere. I grip the hair growing at the bottom of his neck, tugging and using it as a way of controlling how fast he goes because he’ll go at this hard and if I need him to calm down a bit that’s how I do it. A few times he tries to trail down and suck on my exposed jaw, to which I scoot down and bite at his lips but he sighs frustratedly and gets angrier with his kisses. 

“Ryan you can’t leave marks.” I sigh after a few seconds when he goes back down. 

“I can do whatever I want to.” He growls and I moan slightly when he finds a place that feels especially good. 

“No, you...can’t-hey!” I yelp slightly when he takes my wrists and pins them to the pillows above me, leaving me pretty helpless to his weight above. 

“Yes I can. You want them, you obviously do.” He chuckles darkly, knee pressing against my crotch now and my face flushes red. 

Thank god he can’t see. But he can feel it, the rush of heat. 

“What about Kara-“ 

“-Tell her you got them from a girl at drama.” He mutters and I shake my head. 

“She’d have noticed them when we got back.” I argue, knowing I’m right and he rolls his eyes, and sucking harder, the noises almost too loud at this point. 

“No she wouldn’t have. You disappeared.” He says bitterly and I gasp out loud when he bites on a sensitive area. 

“Ryan you have to find something else to do.” I groan and he huffs, sitting up. 

“How about you find something to do?” He suggests, and I raise an eyebrow. 

“Huh?”

“Well, I mean...boundaries. You don’t want marks unless we can make it on the down low, and I’m ok with whatever unless it’s not completely obvious. I’m almost 18 and not a virgin, and you are. You’re barely past 16 I don’t want to rush  you.” His tone is different, gentle and caring and focused on what he’s saying. I agree with him, completely, and yet I don’t know what to say. 

It’s overwhelming how much he cares about me sometimes.

“I...You’re not a virgin?” I ask randomly and Ryan chuckles quietly, looking at my stomach. 

“No...” 

“Was it-“ 

“-a girl.” He answers the question before I can ask “she was terrible, not memorable.” He shakes his head as if it’s a shame and my heart burns with jealously.  

It wouldve been great if it was me. 

I’d be so much better then some girl. 

“Oh.” Is all I can muster and a sly smile pulls at his lips. 

“Sorry to disappoint you.” He jokes and I roll my eyes. 

“Mhmm.”

He fidgets where he sits on his heels and I watch him curiously. I wonder what it’d be like, Ryan and I that way. 

I try not to think about it too much though. 

“I think what we’re doing right now is fine for now.” I say quietly “it’s not the type of scenerio that’s safe enough to do anything else. I mean, I don’t have anything like condoms-“ 

“-Jesus Brendon,” Ryan laughs, rubbing my cheek as though I’m a child “I’m not proposing full on gay sex with your sister in the next room.” He chuckles and I roll my eyes. 

“Well sorry.” I snap back bitterly and his laughs die off in a smile, his lips sinking back to their place on mine and I begrudgingly kiss him back. 

“Do you want to do anything else?” He asks and I shrug, feeling the skin on his chest. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well judging by your body, you want to, but I can’t read your mind.” Ryan sighs and I take a minute to process that. 

“What?” I ask, face flushing and he looks at me strangely, like I’m missing something. 

“Brendon you’re hard as a fucking rock.” He says bluntly. 

Am I? 

That must have gotten lost in translation. 

“Oh,” I say stupidly and Ryan nods “are you?” 

He looks at the ceiling and his shoulders shake. He’s laughing. 

“That’s not something you ask.” He says, explaining his reaction and sorry I’m such a virgin Ryan Jesus Christ. 

“Sorry.” I mumble hurriedly and he shakes his head and kisses my chest gently. 

“You’re fine. And I am but you could’ve just felt it to figure it out.” He mumbles and I blush harder. 

“Ryan.” I gasp, shocked and he laughs breathlessly. 

“Brendon.” He says, mimicking my appalled tone and kisses the corner of my mouth, hand trailing down from my waist down to my thigh. It sends a wave of something indescribable throughout my body and it feels good, really good. 

“Fuck you.” I half moan, tilting my head and biting his lip, pulling it to mine and holding his biceps tightly. 

“You-“

”-wish” I finish it for him and he nods. 

“Good boy.” He chuckles and I choke down another moan. 

I lean forward, trying to sit up and he takes the hint, pulling back and I grab his shoulders and pin him down where I was just laying and wrestle him and his limbs down until I’m straddling his waist and kissing his neck. He _loves_ this, Ryan loves any kind of passionate marking and I almost understand why he loves to do it so much. He writhes and whines low in his throat and grips my hips while I suck on the skin and I wonder when the first time he did this was. 

“Keep still.” I mutter angrily and he groans, bucking his hips up and I jump slightly, hair flopping into my face and I try and hold him down. 

“It feels good though.” He argues and I roll my eyes, biting his collarbone harder and sucking the skin below it. 

“Someone’s gonna hear.” I say absentmindedly and Ryan shakes his head, eyes screwed shut.

”Kara’s wearing earbuds.” He says quietly and my mouth stops. 

“Did you...make sure she wouldn’t hear before you came to my room?” I ask in an amused tone and Ryan laughs slightly. 

“Maybe.” 

“Goddammit Ryan.” I laugh and go back to licking the base of his neck and sucking the wet areas. 

After a few seconds I feel his hand in my hair and a sudden pressure, him pushing me down and I groan lowly in my throat and travel down to his lower stomach. 

He’s right, he is hard. 

I suck harshly, roughly, biting and scratching the sides of his torso while doing so and I can hear Ryan falling apart above me. It’s all mumbled curses and breathy whines and gasps and I love this. He smells so good and his skin is so soft and too perfect.

We’re just trying to ruin how beautiful each of us is. 

Giving someone hickies is much hotter than its sounds, me sucking on the skin below his belly button is much hotter than it really should be, but it’s mostly the sounds he makes, the twitching in his hands and the marks I can barely see in the dim light. 

“Brendon, fuck. Bren...” He repeats endlessly and I continue for longer than I probably should before he yanks my face up by my hair.

”Please don’t make me jerk off in your bathroom.” He pleads, not jokingly and the way he words it makes me want to burst out laughing but I realize he’s completely serious and I don’t know how to handle the situation. 

“Ryan I don’t know if I can.” I say apologetically and he shakes his head. 

“I can show you, it’s not hard.” He argues and I think about it for a second. 

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, we’ve already done a lot of things we shouldn’t have so what’s one more? It’s not a big deal. I trust him, he trusts me, I think he’s incredibly attractive and he does too, it shouldn’t be that hard. 

And he’s hard. 

And I suppose I have to be the one to help with it. 

I do, god I want to but knowing me I’ll fuck up and he’ll laugh and it’ll be awkward for days until something happens. 

But then again what if it goes well, he could get off and Id have done it and it would be so fucking hot to see him come undone like that and maybe he’d do the same to me. 

Fuck, what if he did the same to me?

I take the possibility of that happening as a sign to just give in to him and I nod, sitting up and crawling up beside him, kissing him passionately and pressing our foreheads together. He stares at me intently and we breathe onto each other.

“Ok.” I breathe and he smiles, kissing me again and our teeth click together, his tongue battling mine and I feel his hand touch mine, grasping it and dragging it to his stomach. 

“Just do whatever you’d do.” He says encouragingly, tone husky and patient and I nod, letting his lips capture mine in another kiss and I use that as inspiration while I travel my hand down to the waistband of his pajama pants, fingers inching under the cloth and I can feel the outline of his cock through his boxers. It feels huge, much bigger than mine and the comparison of our age and his dicks size in my brain makes me so fucking hard I can’t think straight. Taking advantage of my drop in anxiety I reach into his boxers and trace my fingers over his length tentatively. He chokes into my mouth, his hand coming up to grip my jaw and he silences his own moan by pressing my lips against his. 

I close my eyes, wrapping my fingers around his cock and slowly pulling it out. I’m still so nervous, so worried about how this will play out but he’s patient, he’s always been patient and I shouldn’t be so scared about letting him down. 

When it’s out I let my eyes snap open, a moan escaping my mouth and I tear my face away from Ryan’s to stare at his cock, curved to his stomach and standing proud. I whimper somewhere along the way and he kisses my cheek to remind me of his presence. 

“It’s just my dick.” He chuckles and I nod, turning and kissing him. 

“I’m aware.” 

Hes slick, it’s not dry when I start to tug on his length. He groans, his head dropping to my shoulder and a wave of shudders rip through his body that stir something in mine. My hips buck at the feeling of his dick in my hand and he takes notice of it, looking up at me as he trails his hand down my front. 

“You don’t have to.” I murmur immediately and he scoffs. 

“I want to.” He says almost in an offended way and reaches into my pants, and at that second I realize I didn’t put on underwear and that he’s touching me before I though he would. 

I gasp, biting my bottom lip to quiet myself down and he groans, inching up to kiss me as we stroke each other. It’s so synchronized, so technical and it feels so fucking good I don’t know how to even explain it. I’m jacking him off like I’d do to myself, and he’s doing the same, flicking his wrist and rubbing his thumb against the tip. 

I never thought this would ever happen. 

“Fuck, Ry-“ I moan, kissing his neck and rubbing him quickly. He speeds up his movements as well, probably trying to get us off together. I buck my hips, childishly and it only shows how inexperienced I am. He chuckles at my impulsivity, rotating his hand in the perfect way and I moan and groan the entire time, lazily kissing his neck and just running my tongue along his jaw for stimulation. 

“You close sweetheart?” He asks and I almost shoot my load the moment the pet name leaves his mouth. I feel his cock throb under my hand when he says that and I choose to belive it’s a coincidence. 

“Y-yes.” I stutter, cursing shortly after and Ryan speeds up, kissing me roughly and it takes me off gaurd. The one hand that isn’t on my dick is on my inner thigh, rubbing the skin and scratching slightly. I take a chance, climbing back up into his lap and tugging on his length quickly, doing the thumb thing against his tip and he bucks his hips, our cocks brushing together and we both moan at the same time, foreheads pressing together and I feel his sweaty hair tangle in mine.

”Fucking feel so-good doll.” He groans and I whimper, grinding against him while rubbing him in a never ending pattern while he pants. 

“Ry I’m close.” I choke out, the feeling undeniable and he nods, kissing me passionately once again and his think fingers find there way from my thigh up to my neck, gripping the skin over the saliva and I lose it. 

Ryan’s mouth comes in handy when it muffles the incredibly loud moan that comes out when I orgasm, the sound uncontrollable and I ride it out, taking my free hand and holding his palm to my skin, not letting him let go. My grip stutters on his length and he bucks his hips, a whimper escaping me as I come down and I let my face fall onto his shoulder while I continue to jack him off and after a few moments he jerks, his entire body shaking and it doesn’t stop, a choked off gasp coming out of his mouth followed by a small “fuck me.” And I bite into his skin to silence myself. 

The rumbles of his orgasm stop after a little bit, his pants just as loud but slightly subdued and I kiss him once again. 

“Ryan.” Is all I say, sitting farther into his lap and draping myself against his chest. 

“Y-yeah?” He asks breathlessly, hands finding my back and rubbing comfortingly. 

“Can we do that again?” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do b like dat sometimes


	10. Sunday (Cont.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this Sunday night we'll see where this goes

I wake up to the feeling of me being pushed off a cliff. Falling falling falling and I choke out a gasp, eyes snapping open and I sit upright and grab my chest. 

"Woah woah, calm down." Ryan's voice whispers from beside me and my body immediately relaxes, shoulders slumping and my hand falls into my lap. 

"What's the matter?" I slur, my voice sounding thick and heavy as the words slide off my tongue like honey. 

"Nothing, nothing's the matter you were just talking in your sleep. It's about four." Ryan says, his voice sounding similar to mine. 

"Oh. Are you going to leave me?" I ask in a small way, eyes searching for him in the dark but I can't see him even when I'm trying. 

"Not of you don't want me to." He replies and I nod, slowly settling back down onto the mattress and tucking my head into my pillow. 

"Do you have a plan for the morning?" I ask quietly, and Ryan lays back down next to me on my right, pressed up against the wall and shrugs. 

"I'll probably stay until you fall asleep again but I'll set an alarm in case I fall asleep with you." He says in a way that sounds like he's making up his mind as he goes, and I paw at his chest until he gets the hint and lays on his back. I lay on my stomach next to him, my face on his chest and my left leg strewn across his crotch and he sighs in contempt, putting an arm around my shoulder and tangling fingers in my hair. 

"Do you like this?" I ask, voice audibly nervous and Ryan chuckles and scoots down to kiss my cheek. 

"I love it." He mumbles, eyelashes against my face and I rub my cheek against his affectionately. 

"Ok."

He settles down and I bury my face in the crook of his neck, my leg stretched over his and he's still not wearing a shirt, the skin soft yet sticky from sweat and saliva but I don't care. It's warm and comforting and everything my body craves when I'm like this and Ryan stats to hum while he plays with my hair. It's a song I don't really recognize, yet it's the kind of sound you feel like you've heard all your life and you're an idiot to forget it. Ryan's shoulders flex underneath me and he flips over to the side so he's facing the wall, facing away from me and my face catches the pillow when he moves away, my foot dragging across his thigh. 

I've never been one for being the big spoon, or really spooning in general, and Ryan doesn't really know that so when he scoots closer to me and that's the position we form I start to panic. I don't like the way it feels, Ryan's front away from mine. It feels disconnected and disoriented and even though he means no harm it's almost hurtful. 

I sigh, loudly and grumpily and pull back, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling irritatedly. Ryan is the older one, he's supposed to be the one taking care of me. He’s supposed to be the big spoon.

Whatever. 

A few seconds goes by and Ryan tenses, the mattress shifting and he turns over and stares at me, "What's wrong?" 

"Nothin" I mumble, keeping my eyes on him and he huffs and looks me up and down. 

"Why are you so annoyed?" 

"I'm not." 

"I know you Brendon." He tuts and kisses my jaw, causing shivers to run down my spine. 

"I'm not annoyed." I say stubbornly and Ryan rolls his eyes and sighs disbelievingly.

"You seriously want me to be the big spoon this badly?" I can't see him but I know he's raising an eyebrow and I blush immediately. 

Since when did he get this smart? Since when could he read me this well? Since when did he know so much about me? 

"Kinda." I whisper and he chuckles lightly, rolling me over to my left and I curl up in a fetal position, Ryan's frame draping across my back instantly and his arm goes over my chest, holding onto my arm and pressing it to my chest in a protective gesture. 

Being the smaller spoon is so much better. Ryan is tall, and slim and covers so much ground and it feels nice, like being enveloped in a warm blanket which he basically is to be honest. His breath tickets the back of my neck as he tucks his chin into my shoulder and kisses the skin there gently.

I want to watch him orgasm again. 

I shake the random and unwelcome thought from my head, squeezing my eyes shut and praying he can't feel my heart beating out of my chest. 

What am I thinking? 

I sigh helplessly and try and relax against him, feeling his pecs and abs against my back, the bulge of his dick against my fucking ass and I'm reminded of about three hours ago when I made him shake from pleasure. The way his eyelids fluttered until they rolled back and how his mouth fell open, a small "oh" shape as the same exclaimation fell from his lips. How the hand on my thigh gripped the skin and squeezed, fingernails indenting half moons into my skin and he gasped into my mouth as he rode out the shockwaves his body was putting him though. I stayed in his lap for quite some time, and after I asked to do it again he laughed, pulling me close by my chin and telling me to go get something to clean us up. When I had come back from the bathroom Ryan was sitting in my bed with his eyes screwed shut working his length again and my mouth fell open in disbelief and lust. He was a vision in red, cheeks ablaze and chest looking the same with rich crimson blood flooding to the surface. He was so beautiful. 

I scrambled onto the bed as fast as my legs could take me. Ryan's eyes flickered open and he moaned when he saw me, pulling me close with his free hand and I had taken care of it from there, much braver the second time around and he enjoyed it. He definitely enjoyed it, hearing him gasp and whine and shoot a second load over my fist which I cleaned up as well as his chest and my own mess. It was messy, messier than I had anticipated. 

"Never under your roof," what bullshit. 

"Your hearts going a mile a minute." Ryan says suddenly, tracing patterns on my  chest with his fingers. 

Sorry." I whisper, closing my eyes and he presses fingers against my neck. It’s gentle, contrary to  his touch there earlier. 

“No it’s fine, I like it.” He says, almost sounding completely fascinated by the movement of my organ under his fingers. What was tense is now still and relaxed and I melt into Ryan’s frame, his wrapped around mine comfortably. 

Maybe I do like spooning. 

“Go to sleep, ok? I’ll see you in the morning.” Ryan hums and I nod, sighing contently and thinking about his fingers on my skin as I drift to sleep once more. 

 

“Brendon!” Kara’s voice calls from my dreams and I open my eyes slowly to see her silhouette in my doorway. 

“Is it morning?” I ask, not really knowing because every time I wake up it doesn’t seem to be light out yet.

”No it’s the middle of the night.” She says sarcastically, and hey I’m sorry that every time I’m awoken it’s around 2 in the morning by your best friend.

bitch. 

“Ok.” I mumble, and Kara leaves and goes downstairs as I’m getting out of my bed and dragging myself to the dresser and I look up in the mirror. 

Oh my god. 

Oh my  **god.**

My neck, my fucking neck is almost blue.  There’s spotty, blotchy bruises under my jaw, collarbones and some behind my ear. Ryan, fucking Ryan and his hickies oh my god. They’re raw, feeling like new skin, stretchy and too warm. It feels disgusting, literally disgusting and it makes me wince. I lean forward and examine them further. They're all dark, with darker tiny spots in the middle and around the rim, with yellowish bruising around the outer perimeter. I tilt my head to both sides, up and down, and I look down at my chest and realize its covered in tiny fingerprint shaped bruises and more hickies. 

Fucking hell Ryan. 

I want to scream, I want to tell him to come here right know and fucking  _help_ me because I don't know what to do about this. They're huge and painful and it felt so good earlier I don't know why I deserve this kind of realization. 

"oh my god oh my fucking god."I mumble repeatedly, sifting through my drawers and pulling out a black hoodie, throwing it on and fixing my ruffled hair. 

I go to the bathroom, peeking in both Kara's room and the guestroom to see if Ryan is there and he's not, he's most likely already downstairs eating or something. I shake my head and blink away overwhelmed tears as I wash my face and neck with cold soapy water to try and pull myself together before I have a full fledged panic attack and screw up Ryan and I's relationship. If I have a breakdown, Kara will know and Ryan will want to help so badly but he won't be able to so it would just be worse for both of us and holy shit this is a complicated situation. It looks fine I suppose, my hoodie covers the ones on my chest and stomach, and partially the ones on my neck. My hair hides the ones under my ears and the sides of my jaw but there's still patches of them on the expanse of my neck that I don't know how to cover. I don't know how to cover them I- 

"-Oh, sorry." Ryan stutters out the exclamation, standing in the bathroom door that I had apparently closed behind me. 

He goes to close it again and I panic, grabbing his arm and yanking him inside, slamming it shut. He looks surprised and flustered, standing on the tile in bare feet and messy hair. He looks gorgeous. 

But I'm freaking out. 

"What did you do to me?!" I yelp, tugging the collar of my sweatshirt down and exposing the painting across my chest. Ryan's eyes scan the skin calculatedly, his eyes scanning the expanse of the bruises on me and his eyelids lower, his mouth parting slightly and he doesn't blink. I make a whining noise and he shushes me quickly. My chest heaves as I breathe hurriedly and panicked and reaches out and drags a nail across the skin, a red line appearing as he traces a curved line down as if his finger is a pen. 

"-Don't touch it!" I exclaim and he mumbles something to me that I can't understand, cupping my jaw and tilting my face left and right to asses the damage. He cracks a smile and his eyes flicker over my skin wantonly. 

"Does it hurt?" He asks in a low voice and I nod, eyes worried and lip between my teeth. Ryan lets go and ruffles his hair, lifting up his blue gym shirt to reveal maybe twice the amount of bruises I have. 

"Fuck." I breathe, staring at him in awe and he lets his shirt fall. 

"We're both at fault here darling." he clicks his tongue and caresses my cheek gently. 

"Uh, no," I breathe "It was  _your_ idea.  _You're_ the one that loves to give hickies." I argue and he shrugs. 

"What can I say?" 

'You can't really  _say_ anything, just help me." I whine desperately and he laughs softly. 

"Well I mean you've covered about 75 percent of them already, good boy..." he trails off and my cheeks heat up. "Does Kara have foundation?" 

I stare at him incredulously "I'm not putting on makeup." I say as though it's final an he bites the inside of his cheek. 

"You're going to have to wear it for the show anyway, it can't hurt." he encourages and I shake my head. 

"You're destroying my pride." I say in an irritated way and Ryan smirks. 

"I knew I could break you." he sneers and I push past him with a scowl. 

"Bite me." I snap, and Ryan's silent for a moment, taking a quick moment to think and before I know it, the wind is leaving my lungs in a gasp when he presses me against the bathroom wall.

"Oh god I'd love to." he growls, smiling menacingly and I stare him down, eyebrows furrowed.

"Ryan." I say sternly, trying to wiggle out of his grip and he whines deep in his throat. 

"Yeah?"

"Sto-ah!" I gasp out when he presses me against the wall harder, his arms fucking stronger then I thought they were and his tongue running alongside aching bruises.

"Fuck!" I yelp, eyelids rolling back and Ryan chuckles, sucking over one and it hurts so fucking bad but it feels fucking amazing and I want to die right here with his lips on my skin. 

"You're so fucking hot Jesus Christ," Ryan mutters "falling apart under me." He grabs my neck with his free hand and presses his thumb into one of the bruises, a strangled sound leaves my throat, something between a yelp and a whimper while I clench my eyes shut and grit my teeth. He digs the digit into my skin and I kick at him, his mouth finding it's way back on the skin and I flick open my eyes to watch us in the mirror across the way. I look petrified, eyes wide and mouth open in an "oh" shape and he looks focused, his face turning away. The only thing I can see of Ryan's is his hand holding mine together above me and his head lolling onto my shoulders. 

"Shit Ryan...s-stop." I groan, pushing him away finally with what strength I have left and he wipes his lips. 

"Please." he whimpers. 

Its so simple, the plea. 

But it was his rule not to do anything at my house. 

"Get your mouth away." I mumble, turning my face away and he frowns, pulling back and touching my face. 

"...I'm sorry." he says, and it sounds genuine. He sounds really sorry.

“It’s fine.” I breathe, leaning on his shoulder and sniffing. I’m getting sick. 

“It’s not really fine I should’ve known when enough was enough.” He shakes his head and I hold onto his arms and sway. 

“It’s honestly ok Ryan you know I liked it.” I say quietly and he nods. 

“Yeah but...the stress of covering them up...” I look at him and he looks concerned. 

“Ryan it’s ok. I like them. I can hide them just fine.” I say, still not really knowing how I will and he closes his eyes and nods, putting his head on my shoulder. 

“Ok. You can always tell me when you want me to stop, ok?” I squeeze his bicep and smile. 

“I know, I will.” I assure him, and he tugs a smile onto his face as well

“Ok good.” 

He kisses my cheek quickly before ducking out of the bathroom, bounding down the stairs and I stand and stare at myself in the mirror, watching my cheeks tinge pink and my pupils widen. 

Shit. 

This is how he sees me, I think, as I stand here and observe. He sees how my skin turns red and blotchy and how my hair gets tossed into my face to try and hide it. He sees my eyes and how they darken, lighten, and everything in between. I lift up my shirt and look once again, the constellation of dark bruises that prove his commitment, his ownership. There's a single red line dragging over my beating heart from where he had touched me not even two minutes ago, how he traced the boiling skin just to see what it would do, just to make sure that it would leave a mark on my pliant skin. He knew it'd mark, he just wanted to watch it happen in front of his eyes. 

Fucker. 

I breathe roughly, yanking the fabric back over the evidence of our teenage lust and I tromp downstairs pretending nothing ever happened. 

Last night didn't happen Brendon. 

This morning didn't either. 

Your neck isn't sore. 

Ryan didn't get you off. 

"Well good morning." Kara says when I get to the bottom of the stairs, immediately coming into the kitchen where she's making a bowl of cereal and handing it to Ryan. 

"Hullo." I say quietly and walk to the fridge, grabbing a carton of cranberry juice and unscrewing the cap, when I go to drink it straight Kara's hand swoops in and grabs it from me. 

"Don't be a slob." She tuts, handing me a plastic cup with spiderman on it. "We have cups for a reason, to drink out of." 

"Aw shove off." I sigh, pouring the purple liquid into the tiny cup and she rolls her eyes. 

"Mom and Dad come back tomorrow night, I'd like the house to not be a wreck." she says pointedly, sitting down at the island and picking through a bowl of her nasty vegan oatmeal. 

How does one even eat shit like that? 

"Fine whatever." I roll my eyes and sit down in the dining room away from them. 

Distance yourself. 

Stay back. 

"Brendon come back in here!" Kara shouts and I shake my head, staring at the table and ignoring her. 

"Brendon!" she screams and I snap my face up and holler at her. 

"Shut up you're not my mom!" 

It's quiet for a second, I can hear muted mumbles and Ryan appears in the doorway looking ticked off. 

"Listen to your sister." he hisses, looking genuinely pissed and I furrow my eyebrows at him. 

"Why should I?" I retort, and Ryan stares at me, his gaze overbearing and more dominant then it usually is. 

"Because she's in charge of you while your parents are gone." he answers, sounding like a fucking kiss ass and I roll my eyes dramatically. 

"Shut up Ryan." 

"Excuse me?" Ryan takes a step forward and I don't move, I don't even flinch. 

"I said shut up Ryan, you sound like a douchebag." I retort snarkily, completely meaning what I'm saying to him and Ryan's mouth falls open slightly, his head tilting just ever so subtly to the right in confusion and he swallows. 

"You're acting like one. Go apologize to your sister." he snaps and I stare in defiance. 

"No." 

"Brendon." He says, voice stern and I raise an eyebrow. 

"You really think that'll work?" I stare at him in amusement and comes closer and grabs my arm, dragging me out of the chair and into the kitchen. 

"Don't touch me asshole!" I yelp and he leans into my ear. 

"you love it when I touch you." He whispers ever so softly and I huff. 

"Apologize." He says and I shake myself off him. 

"Stuff it Ross." I snap and he shoves me. 

Hard. 

He shoves me hard and I hit the counter behind me. 

"Make me." He mocks my voice and Kara raises her eyebrow, sitting at the island with an unamused expression. 

"I-just shut up Ryan!" I say angrily, taking a step forward and poking his chest. 

"Brendon don't be a dick." Kara says between bites of oatmeal, looking like she doesn't even care that Ryan is throwing me around like a fucking ragdoll. 

"Ryan's the one being the dick!" I exclaim, and Ryan looks at me over his shoulder and mouths something I can't read. 

Fuck him. 

Why won't he ever take my side? 

I'm just trying to do my part, trying to stay on the down low like he told me to and this is how I get treated. 

"You're not cooperating, there's a difference." Ryan says like he's a fucking genius and I flip him off. 

Ryan turns fully and grabs my shoulder roughly, pressing me against the cabinet behind me and bites the inside of his cheek. 

"Don't be fucking disrespectful." he growls and Kara snaps her fingers. 

"Ryan don't touch him." She says in a neutral tone and Ryan lets go immediately, looking at her worriedly. 

"Sorry." he moves away from me immediately and goes and sits back next to her, rubbing his nose nervously. 

Kara stares at me for a second. "What's on your neck?" she asks innocently and my face burns, my mouth going dry and I touch my neck. 

"W-what do you mean?" I ask, subtly covering the skin with my hand and Kara stands, causing me to flinch away and try to run but she grabs my arm and any chance of escape at this point is futile. Her fingers yank back my collar and she gasps. 

"Why is it so...Brendon!" she yelps, looking horrified and I wince, trying not to look at Ryan. 

"Kara I can-"

"Who? Who did this to you?" she asks immediately and I flush. 

Think. 

Fucking think. 

"I saw Brendon with some girl before we left to come home yesterday." Ryan says nonchalantly, eating his cereal. 

"What?" Kara stares at me and I rub the back of my neck. 

"Well, y-yeah." I say quietly and her eyes light up.

"Really? What did she look like?'" Kara asks excitedly and I shrug. 

"She had wavy brown hair, light brown eyes. She was a really beautiful creature I'm not going to lie." I look over at Ryan and quickly glance at the ground. 

"What was her name?" Kara asks and I blink. 

"Her name?" 

"Yeah..." she looks at me strangely and I cough. 

"I didn't quite catch it." I say, sounding cocky but I'm terrified Kara is going to see through this. 

This is a sticky situation. 

A situation involving her little brother and best friend getting it on without her knowledge, and having no desire to tell her.  I feel bad, a little bit. I feel guilty for not telling her and being so secretive about it. After all, Ryan was hers first so it's not like she has nothing to lose. Ryan is pretty much her everything I can't take that away from her. 

And yet I do. 

I took it away from her the first time I fell asleep on him at Spencer's. 

I took it away the first time we kissed. 

I took it away last night. 

And I'm taking it away right now as I look up at him, our eyes meeting each other for a fraction of a second and Ryan sees right into me. 

"Such a player." she giggles and I laugh nervously. 

"Yeah you could say that." 

She lets go of me and sits back down next to Ryan, putting her arm around his shoulders and he puts his head on hers. "Did you two have a good time?" 

Ryan's ears perk up. "When?" 

"At the meeting." Kara says, clueless as to what he was about to panic about. 

"Oh, yeah we did." he answers thoughtfully and I nod, standing like a stone where Ryan had put me last. I don't dare move. 

"That's good." she answers "Are you excited for the musical? You both got such good parts." her tone is happy, proud. She's proud of us, proud of her boys. 

She'd be so disappointed if we told her. 

"Yeah I am. I think Brendon is a little nervous to be center stage though, he seems shy." Ryan chuckles, looking over at me and smiling. 

"Says the virgo." I lower my eyes at him and he barks out a laugh. 

"What?" 

"You're a virgo. They're the shy ones." I say pointedly, knowing I'm right because I'm in to all that hippy shit and Ryan rolls his eyes. 

"Well Aeries are moody." he retorts and I hate that, the fact that he knows. 

"But not shy." I say, trying to one up him anyway I can after that argument. 

It was an argument, right? 

He shoves me and I cursed him and we fought. 

Right?

"I wouldn't say that." Ryan takes a bite of cereal and waves the spoon around "Jon said he liked how quiet you were. He's always been very mellow so he said it was nice to have someone hiding behind my legs during conversations." 

I didn't know that?

"What?" I hop up onto the counter and tilt my head, Kara stares at Ryan while he talks. 

"You like being behind me because I'm so independent. As a virgo, I put off confident yet comfortable vibes that you can adjust to the setting and fit in." he says absentmindedly and I want to walk over and kiss his mouth. 

"I guess you right." Is what I say though, kicking my feet and grabbing a banana, unpeeling it while Kara talks. 

"I think it's so great how you two can be friends. Hasn't Ryan made such an impact on your year so far Bren?" I look at her and nod. 

"I suppose so." She turns to Ryan and he catches my eye, staring at me while I take a bite of the fruit and wink. 

"What about you?" she asks and Ryan's throat jumps while I laugh silently to myself and start to suck on the tip of the banana. 

"I...I think he's been great." he answers, sounding strained. 

I'm surprised, for his best friend she doesn't seem to be able to read him well.

I do a much better job of it. 

But I suppose that's only because of the heightened bond we've acquired. 

"So you've enjoyed your time together?" she asks, and I stare at ryan with the fruit halfway in my mouth. His eyes flicker over to me only for a second, then they pull away.

"Very much so." 

I pull off as Kara turns, smile on her face. 

"That's so great." Kara shakes her head. "You two are going to be indestructible." 

God I hope so. 

"Mhmm." I say sarcastically, taking a bite and rolling my eyes. 

Put her off your trail. 

Kara goes to wash her bowl, back turned and Ryan shakes his head at me, a smile tugging on his lips. I wink bravely and he flips me off under the island. 

"fucker." I mouth and he mimics a dick in his mouth, making me laugh and Kara turns. 

"What?" 

"Nothing." Ryan and I say at the same time and Kara rolls her eyes. 

Her best friend. 

I can't do this to her. 

But I have to.

"Already keeping inside jokes from me." she tuts and turns back around smiling. 

Well she is right. 

We're keeping things from her. 

But they aren't jokes. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last long day she said goodbye, well Lord I thought I would cry  
> She'll do me, she'll do you, she's got that kinda lovin'  
> Lord I love to hear her when she calls me sweet daddy  
> Such a beautiful dream, I hate to think it's all over  
> I've lost my heart it seems, I've grown so used to you somehow


	11. Tuesday

It's Tuesday. 

I'm walking in the halls down to my study hall because I have those on Tuesdays. 

I know that on Tuesdays I walk past him, I know that because the trauma and panic my heart experiences every time I walk from Spanish to the lobby is enough to not let me ever forget that it's a Tuesday. I keep walking, changing the song on my phone and the senior I've been walking next to turns suddenly into he wall and starts unlocking a locker. I let my eyes graze over him quickly, assessing him, analyzing him, and yes he's fairly hot. I chuckle softly and nod to myself before turning my head back to the hall and who am I met with?  
Ryan.  
And I can feel him looking at me because when honey eyes bore into like that you can't just ignore it. It makes you feel like you're a bug under a microscope. So small, so vulnerable and under his gaze that you momentarily freeze up where you're standing.

He raises an eyebrow, looking at him then me and I blush and shrug. He shakes his head and I take a deep breath, and I look down at my feet and continue walking.  
Because what you can't see won't hurt you.

It's been two days since Sunday morning. 

Two days since he's touched me, since I've felt his skin on mine. 

I'm surprised I've made it this far. Truly, I'm congratulating myself. I can't believe I've lasted 48 hours without him. 

Ryan had left Sunday afternoon around 2, and I had spent the afternoon by myself. I spent the next day by myself as well, watching television mindlessly and imagining different characters as people in my life. Ways I pass the time. I slept until around 1:30 and my parents got back from Manchester at 7, Kara had made dinner for us all and had filled them in on what was going on while they were gone. No girls were mentioned thankfully, no hickies. they're still there, fuck they'r still there. I went to school yesterday with  _makeup_ on my neck after Kara had insisted she didn't want anyone thinking her brother was a little whore. 

No one has noticed Ryan's yet. Mostly because they're on his chest and stomach and I honestly don't think it's fair to me. 

I'll get him back sometime. 

I walked around school burning with invisible shame, seeing Ryan twice that day and making intense eye contact. 

I'm surprised he's controlled himself this much as well. 

We've been circling each other, it's so goddamn obvious. I know when his classes are, where they are. And I time my way around the halls so that we walk past each other. 

He does too. 

I wait at the top of the staircase for Patrick to come to lunch with me and Ryan will walk by nonchalantly, nodding at me. He'll graze against my arm, mumble a sarcastic "oops" and keep going. 

He's wonderful. 

He's been so  _fun_ these past few days. So trying and irritable but at the same time so comforting and hilarious and teasing. 

He's been wonderful. 

It's funny sometimes, I catch myself thinking about him all the time. What he might be doing, where he is, who he's with. I think about him at night, how he'll be lying in his huge bed all by himself, half asleep listening to music or what if he's passed out, leg hanging over the side of the mattress and mouth hanging open. What if he's dreaming of me? I don't doubt it. He's probably as infatuated with me as I am with him, or at least I hope so. 

Maybe if I ask he'll answer honestly, maybe he'll stick to his proud side. 

I was wrong when I thought boys were less confusing then girls. 

Girls are overly lovey about things, they're always on you. Texting you, calling you, finding you. They're needy and lonely. Boys aren't. Ryan keeps his space and he let's me have mine. Either out of respect, disinterest, or it's  way of teasing me. Maybe he knows I think about him so much so he purposefully distances himself. Maybe. 

Maybe. 

"Hey." I say, sitting down next to one of my good friends Pete in study hall. he's like Patrick, only more like me. He's the one to part with, the one to talk about hot chicks with. 

But definitely not the one to talk about Ryan with. 

"Hey man." he says, tearing his eyes away from a gameplay he was watching on his laptop. 

"What's been going on?" I ask, pulling out my laptop and opening a word document for my Lord of the Flies essay I haven't started. 

Shitty book. 

"Nothing much. Jessica's being a pain but what's new?" He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of my coffee.  

"Oh god, what'd she going on about again?" I raise an eyebrow and he sighs. 

"I was talking to Jennifer outside right? Literally just talking about Bio and someone sent her a snapchat of it and she called me and started freaking out." Pete explains, using his hands as he talks rapidly. 

I shake my head and click my tongue. "I told you that girl was barking." 

"Since when?" Pete stares at me like I'm an idiot and I raise another eyebrow. 

"I told you before you first hung out. She's literally insane." I say defensively. It's true. He had said she was hot and willing, and I had shaken my head like I'm doing now and told him not to even think about it. 

Jessica was a slippery slope, and now Pete's at the bottom of the hill. 

"Ok god you did." He rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. "Don't say you told me so." 

I frown. "I wasn't going to." 

"Ok thanks." he nods and I pat his arm. 

"Ditch her dude." 

"I can't!" He exclaims, "She'll blackmail me!" 

"Keep your voice down," I hiss "What could she even blackmail you about?" 

"I..." Pete looks at the desktop and mumbles something. 

"What?" I tilt my head and he looks up quickly. 

"She has pictures." he whispers in a rushed way, eyes darting away. 

"Pictures? Pictures of what?" I ask and he stares at me blankly. 

"Brendon." he blinks and I cock my head to the right. 

"Pictures of my dick." He says bluntly and a girl in front of us turns around and makes a shocked face. Pete blushes and she chuckles and shakes her head and turned back around. 

"Oh my god Pete," I sigh, staring at him and raising an eyebrow. "date her, she seems chill." I motion to the brown haired girl that just laughed at him and Pete flips me off. 

"You're not a matchmaker." he spits and I tap the girl's shoulder and she turns. 

"If you're still talking about sending pictures don't ask me." she says half serious, half teasing and I smile charmingly. She has dark brown eyes like mine, deep and dark under this lighting. 

"Uh, no. My friend here is in a predicament with a crazy chick but I have to ask you, is he cute?" I ask, genuinely curious and Pete groans behind me, the girl laughing. Her laugh is cute, sharp and light at the same time. 

"Y-yeah I guess." she chuckles, rubbing her nose and smiling crookedly. 

"Ok. Would you go out with him?" I ask and she stares at Pete for a second with a parted mouth. 

"-I have a girlfriend." Pete interrupts weakly and the girl shrugs. 

"Maybe if he was single I'd give him a shot." she says quietly and Pete raises an eyebrow, looking at me quickly. 

"What?" I stare at him and he blows out of his mouth. 

"Maybe I should break up with Jessica." he says in a defeated way and I nod. 

"That's what I've been telling you." I roll my eyes and he gets out his phone.

"I'll meet with her at the end of the day. Thanks Bren." He smiles and I shrug. 

"No problem." I answer and the girl smiles before turning around to continue typing on her sticker covered laptop. 

"...what's her name?' Pete whispers and I draw a blank, thinking for a second before the girl turns around and puts a sticky note on Pete's desk. 

She smiles and turns back around and I grab at the note, Pete snatching it up quickly and then showing it to me proudly. 

_Ashley-555-785-6542_

I wiggle my eyebrows at him and Pete seems satisfied, he seems excited as he sits with a big grin and here I go again being the wingman. 

Getting him a date when I can't even look at the person I've been fucking with for days. 

Real brave Brendon. 

“So how many chicks have you put on your list so far?” Pete asks and I stare off into space for a second. 

Girls? 

Well I could tell him about the one who gave me all the hickies on my neck. 

“It’s been pretty dismal, not going to lie.” I say quietly and he knits his brows together. 

“Dismal? Have you looked at any of the upperclassmen.” 

Yes, yes I have. 

“Of course.” I snap defensively and he shakes his head. 

“I mean you’re Brendon. I’m surprised no one has come onto you yet.” Pete tuts and I laugh lightly.

”Yeah well...”

He raises an eyebrow “Seriously? No one?” I shake my head and sigh. 

“Not really.” I mumble and Pete lets his mouth drop.

”No!” He gasps. 

“Yes!” I respond with a falsely mortified voice and he scrunches up with his face. 

“I can’t believe it.” He says it straight, like he really _can’t_ believe and I chuckle.

“It’s only like, The third week of school.” I say and the minute the sentence leaves my mouth I come to a realization.

It’s literally only the third week of school.

The third week. 

And Ryan and I are already fucking around, and real close to fucking up. 

“Yeah but certainly there’s been at least one girl.” Pete argues and I shake my head. 

I cant be bothered with this bullshit. 

I don’t want a girl. 

I want Ryan. 

“No.” I snap and Pete just nods, picking up his phone and looking through it. 

“Sorry dude geez.” He breathes and I sigh, sitting and slumping down in my seat. 

“Look, I’m not looking for a relationship just yet, I want to meet someone nice ya know?” I ask and he nods understandingly. 

“Of course dude, you could have just said that.” He says pointedly and I smile. 

“Yeah.” 

 I feel blindsided, like in any other universe I’d say “Sure, hook me up with someone you know” or “Ask Jessica if she has any hot friends.” But this is the universe I am currently residing in, and I just said I’m not looking for a relationship only because I’m already sort of in one with my sisters best friend. 

Who's a guy. 

I laugh to myself, purely out of amusement and disbelief. I can’t believe this is what its come to. I honestly can’t. I would never have been able to belive this if you had told me a year ago this is where I’d end up. 

Never. 

And just look where I am. Hopelessly devoted to some guy that probably doesn’t even know how much of a strain this is putting on me right now. He’s probably fine, unraveled and happy with the situation he’s put himself in while I’m a twisted, jumbled up mess of emotions and feelings I can’t understand. 

Trust me I’ve tried. 

I sit and pick up my phone, seeing a few notifications and the door to the study hall opens and at first I think it’s a hallucination because I was just thinking about him and now he’s standing in the doorway to the classroom and his golden eyes scan the faces until it meets my confused one. 

“Ryan?” The teacher speaks up and his face whips over to her. 

“Hi Miss Wes.” He says clearly, a subtle shake to the wavelength of his voice but it’s unnoticable to anyone except me. 

“What do you need this is a study hall.” She says obviously and Ryan shakes his head. 

“I uh, I need to borrow Brendon Urie for the period.” He says shakily and I feel Pete prod me. 

“Oh, alright. I’ll excuse you Mr. Urie.” She writes something down yet I don’t get up. I stare at Ryan with a face that I hope reads “what are you playing at?” Yet it may be hard for him to tell. 

“Here’s a pass to be late to wherever you’re going, see you later Brendon.” She says, walking over and handing me the white slip. 

This is your cue to stand. 

So I do, I get up and I grab my bag and walk over to the door, staring at Ryan who looks neutral. 

He holds the door open for me and I brush against him as I walk, the second the wood clicks against the frame and we’re out of sight I turn to him quickly. 

“What was that?” I yell in an almost hushed way, and Ryan holds back a smile. 

I watch his lips battle his cheeks. 

The little fucker. 

“Are you surprised to see me?” He asks incredulously, but yet there’s a side to his tone that’s teasing and I feel my cheeks heat up. I grab his arm and drag him to a row if lockers where there’s no classrooms in sight. 

“What’s your damage?” I hiss and he looks amused. 

“That’s an old expression.” He chuckles and I roll my eyes. 

“Ryan...” I whine and he stares at me, a smile hinting on his face and thank fucking god because I wasn’t going to make it through the day without seeing him make that fucking face. 

“We have choir, or have you forgotten?” He raises an eyebrow and I exhale. 

“Oh.” 

What did you think he came for, to see you? 

“Yeah.” He breathes “were you expecting a different answer?” 

I shake my head. “No, no of course not.” 

“Well you seemed pretty surprised to see me.” His voice is light, knowing. 

I thought he had come to see me. For a split second, I thought he had sought me out. 

But that’s not the case. 

“I...I forgot.” I say quietly and he nods. 

“Start to remember because I can’t keep running all over the building to find you.” He laughs and my face burns. 

“I’m sorry.” My apology sounds genuine, which it is. I just hope he thinks so. 

“It’s totally fine. I liked it, it was like a scavenger hunt.” 

“Oh god” I laugh "Sorry you didn't find anything worthwhile." 

"That's not true." he argues immediately and I roll my eyes. 

"Mhmm." I hum a noise of acknowledgement that I try to make sound like I don't care. He huffs in response and starts walking in the general direction of the music hall. 

"Have you had a good day so far?" he asks and I shrug. 

"I guess so, it's only second period." 

"Well usually you can tell if it'll be a good day or not." Ryan points out and I crack a smile. 

"In that case, I think it'll be a good day." I answer honestly and Ryan smiles. 

"Good."

"Yeah." 

We walk in silence for a few seconds, just our feet making tiny snapping sounds on the tile floors and Ryan clears his throat. 

"I saw you eyeing up that senior earlier." He says casually, his voice alluding to something very similar to jealously but I know better then that. 

I know Ryan better then to say he's jealous.

"I know you did." I shoot back, smiling sheepishly and he looks at me, his face tilting and hair falling in his face. 

"You picked a good one." his tone is still so surprisingly nonchalant and I'm somehow shocked. 

"I always do." I respond wittily, and Ryan laughs at that.

"What were you thinking when you were looking at him?" Ryan asks, something else, an added undertone when he speaks. 

There it is. 

It creeps up slowly, dripping like honey slowly from his lips. 

Jealousy. 

"I thought he was attractive." I shrug, blowing air out of my lips and Ryan makes a small noise that sounds a little bit like a huff. 

"And?" 

I think for a second. Think about what he wants me to say, what he expects me to say. "He was muscular. Could probably throw me around easily." I say the sentence neutrally, the words leaving my mouth easier then I thought they would and Ryan's posture stiffens. 

I wouldn't know how to respond to that as well. 

"...Is that a good thing?" Ryan asks tentatively, hesitantly. 

He's shy now. 

"I mean I guess." I say absentmindedly. "It's not like a driving factor. Big muscles are kind of intimidating, ugly." I respond and Ryan nods. 

"I can agree with that."

I nod, "Well you're really slim, and super lanky but it's like..." I think for a little bit to try and find the word until I just give up. "Hot. And I'm skinny but not  _that_ skinny because I do try and work out." 

I look over at him and his eyebrows furrow, his cheeks pink. "I work out." 

"How often?" 

He pauses "I don't know." 

I laugh lightly. "It's ok, you don't need to." 

He scoffs quietly. "Maybe I want to." 

Now it's full fledged. Ryan and his jealousy. I didn't think I'd live to see the day he showed it. 

I'm looking for trouble. 

I'm looking for trouble and I know it, he doesn't but I do. 

"Ryan," I sigh "You're perfect." 

His shoulders slump, relaxing not disappointed and he looks over at my shyly. "I didn't like you looking at him." 

"You didn't show it." I say, wanting to ask why but I feel it's slightly self explanatory. 

"Because that's not mature." He answers simply and I get it, I understand. 

"Just tell me not to." I say with a shrug and his body moves closer subtly when we turn a corner down to the shop rooms on the bottom floor. 

"I can't just do that." he says in a defensive way and I scrunch my eyebrows together an keep walking. The doors down here don't have windows, and there's literally no one down here. 

"Ryan this isn't the way to the-" I start but he turns with a smile, grabbing my arm and pressing me against the wall. 

"-the chorus room, I know." he smirks and leans in, hovering in front of my face. I can smell him, practically already taste him from here. I can taste him all the time. His hair touches my face and heightens my senses, he's right there and he isn't going anywhere but closer. 

"Ry..." I breathe and he tilts his face, still just staying still, not even two inches away. His fingers wrap around my bicep and squeeze, the pressure tight and unforgiving as I whimper quietly. 

"What?" he asks, pretending to be oblivious and fuck he makes it seem so real, he can transform so fast. He's such a good actor it's starting to confuse me. 

I look around quickly, silence settles in the hall. No footsteps, no voices, just quiet. "Ryan." I hiss and he cocks his head to the other side. 

"What are you thinking?" I ask incredulously and a smile curls up his cheeks. 

"Just about how much I want you right now." he mumbles, not targeted specifically for me, mostly for himself and my breathing stutters. 

"Then go ahead and act on it, we have to g-go." I murmur, and his grip tightens and his face connects with mine in a surge of movement. 

A tight kiss is what I get. Calculated, soft and smooth. Practiced. It's practiced by now. No hesitation in where my lips will be, when our noses will touch and where my hands will go when he releases them. He's been less gentle. Caring, but also very rough. He knows that's what I want and he's eager to please even though he knows whatever he does will suffice. He likes to make sure he's doing everything perfectly. Seconds after my hands are free they fly to his waist and hold him against me. He disconnects briefly and breathes onto my neck, bumps ghosting onto my skin and I shiver and drag my nose up his jaw. His right hand cups my face, smoothing over my face gently and affectionately, his thumb brushing over my face. It's so safe, so soft and so fucking  _loving._ I sniff, out of pure happiness and his face breaks into a warm happy smile that I lean forward and kiss. 

Affection is The act of showing another love or a sense of comfort in a way that is unique to them. 

Affection is how Ryan is holding my face right how, the pad of his thumb,  _his_ thumb brushing across my skin gingerly is affection. 

He is affection. 

He is giving me affection. 

I think I love him. 

I pull back, eyes wide and mouth dry, blinking rapidly and staring at him in fear.

"What, did I do something wrong I-" 

"-No!" I shout, maybe too loudly. "No nothing wrong, so right Ryan fuck..." I whine, closing my eyes and kissing his neck. I rest my face on his skin and return the favor of his affections, rubbing his skin with my cheek and pecking his neck gently. 

"Oh, ok good." he says quietly, leaning his head to the right so I can reach more skin. I do, I kiss and lick and nibble and Ryan scoots away down the hall and I follow, my face still attached to him. 

"Not here Bren." He mumbles and I pout. 

"You took me here." I argue and he winks. 

"Naughty." 

I huff and roll my eyes, Ryan grabbing my arm and kissing me passionately before walking back up the way we came. 

"What are we doing?" I ask annoyed and Ryan looks at me and smiles. 

"Choir." 

"Ryan I-" I stop and look around "You can't just..." I trail off and he chuckles. 

"I just did." He says and turns on his heel, walking up into the music hall and as always I follow like a little puppy. 

He opens the door for me and I'm greeted by a group of kids all standing up on the choral risers mid song. I blush profusely and try and back out of the room by Ryan holds onto my lower back and pushes me forward gently, mumbling "you're fine." into my ear as we walk.

Mr Leeds stops playing and turns around to see me. When our eyes make contact he smiles, and I'm reassured. 

"Thank god you're here Brendon." he chuckles, and when Ryan leads me over to him the man hands me a thick blue folder with my name on it. "Your music is in there, you can go stand up on the second riser with the tenors." 

"O-ok." I murmur, waling up and apologizing to people I have to sift through to stand in an empty space. 

Ryan climbs up to the riser above me, standing directly behind me and I'm not going to lie it gives me a sense of comfort. I've sang with most of these kids before, but in middle school, not this seriously. 

I'm nervous. 

We start with the national anthem, all three fucking verses of it and by the second I'm staring down at my sheet and swaying. My legs swish back and forth and to the left and right. I'm aware I'm doing it yet I don't care and I'm only made aware of how distracting it is when Ryan reaches down from his music and holds my shoulders still. I stiffen and sing slightly quieter, trying to keep still when I really just want to fidget. 

I'm nervous. 

And yet I make it through the rest of the class, learning a few new songs and waving goodbye to Mr. Leeds as I grab my bag and make my way to history, shooting Ryan a specific expression over my shoulder when he follows me out into the hallway. 

"See you later." he says nonchalantly and I nod. 

"Kara's driving us home." I say and he nods, walking the other direction. 

I hate to see him go. 

But I love to watch him leave. 

 

 

 

 


	12. Friday

This morning there were two mourning doves outside my window. Two doves side by side and I sat up in my sheets and stared at them. 

I only ever see one, by itself on the power line by my bus stop, yet today there was two, a pair. 

I've heard they're supposed to represent hope, spirituality or something like that, so double the good fortune I suppose? 

Or maybe not. 

"What's wrong?" Kara had asked the moment I came downstairs for breakfast, my hair still a mess and my clothes wrinkled. 

"I don't really know to be honest." I had responded. I wasn't lying either, I have no idea why I've been so irked for the past few days. everything was going fine, has been going fine. 

Somethings just off. 

"Well I'm sorry..." She had said gently, looking me up and down. "Problems with that girl?" 

"Girl?" I had asked, far too fast and confused for her to suspect anything. 

"Yeah, that girl?" she repeated and I shook my head. 

"Uh, no." 

"Oh." 

And now shes drivingme to school. A quiet, twenty two minute car ride and I know that Ryan wont be joining us because he drives to school on Mondays and Fridays since there's rehearsal. On these days he drives me home. 

On these days I get exactly what I bargained for. 

We have found a system, Wednesdays and Fridays are for fucking around big time, and any other weekday is pretty much off limits unless there's an outlier in our plans and we can find a moment in time for ourselves. "You can talk to me you know, not just hang on me." he had said in the car on Wednesday. "We have to be smart about this." I had agreed, said yes of course whatever we need to do but it still stings when he shakes me off his arms. I do like to cling, I am uncomfortable around his friends for the most part, I like to be coddled.  

But he can touch me apparently. He can brush up against my side in the halls and "accidentally" grab my ass when no one is looking. Apparently _that's_ fine but I'm not allowed to lean on him. I lean on Sisky though. I like Sisky. 

I think his best friend is swell. 

Even when I first met the whole group the blonde had always been my favorite. He was very welcoming and nice and supportive which all the other guys were of course but he genuinely liked me.

He still does, the tense isn't past. 

Yet even when I try and socialize with his friends something irks Ryan, he always finds his way to where I am and either drags me away, or sets this vibe or something over the group that commands attention towards him. 

I'm telling myself it isn't jealously. 

I'm trying to at the very least. 

It's as if Sisky is a threat, competition and the thought of him stealing me away makes Ryan's skin crawl. 

"Do you think it'll be awkward between you two?" Kara asks which wrenches me from my thoughts and I look up from my phone. 

"Who?"

"Hickey girl." she encourages and I raise an eyebrow." 

" _Hickey girl_?" I look at her with an amused expression and she barks out a genuine laugh. 

"Yeah." 

"No, no I don't think it'll be awkward she was really chill." I explain, Kara nodding with a malicious smile.  

"Yeah, sure." she laughs and I look at her puzzled.

"What do you mean?" 

"If she acts like she doesn't care, or like it didn't mean anything, it meant a whole fucking lot." Kara says knowingly and I cock my head. 

"Oh." 

I stare at the floor. "Is that the same with guys?" 

She looks over and shrugs. "It depends. Feminine guys still have the same emotions, but they show them differently. Um...take Ryan for example," she turns the wheel. "He gets very in his head about things and acts like they don't matter until one last thing goes wrong and the whole thing crashes down." 

I think about this for a second. She has a point, a lot of people are like that. Ryan though? I guess I could see where that connects to his actions. I'm impulsive, erratic, don't think about what I do. Ryan does. Ryan is calculated with every move he makes, and I've only seen him falter twice. I've really only seen him lose focus when he orgasms and when he cries. 

And I've only seen so much of each. 

"Give me an example." I ask, trying to sound uninterested but I am.

"That whole thing last year. He refused help until it got so bad he could barely take care of himself. He hates admitting he's wrong, hates owning up to his feelings. I'm surprised you two get along so well." Kara huffs and I smile at my hands. 

"Yeah it's pretty odd." 

"He really likes you ya know." Kara says, smile in her voice and I try and prevent mine from getting bigger. 

"Really?" I ask, hiding the hope in my tone. 

"Yeah he loves you, he says that you're really cool and chill for a freshman." 

"Gee thanks." I say sarcastically and Kara laughs. 

"No no, I mean he genuinely likes you. And he doesn't get along with many people so that's saying something for sure." she nods to herself in a way to solidify her own statement and I chuckle. 

"Wow I'm honored." I roll my eyes and she shoves me gently. 

"He said he...." Kara bursts out laughing then collects herself. "...he said you have, girly hips." Kara giggles and my mouth falls open, my cheeks pulling up to form a crooked, disbelieving smile. 

"What the  _fuck?"_ I laugh and she holds her stomach with one hand. 

"I don't even know! It came up the other weekend and he just goes "Well your brother has girly hips so..." 

I laugh, loud and real and I can't wait to tell Ryan this. I'll bring it up casually, watch him blush and stumble over his words and for once I'll be superior. 

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" I ask in an falsely offended tone and Kara shrugs, smile plastered on her face. 

"I'm not sure what his type is to be honest. There's been a few blonde girls and a few brunette guys, they all look different." She lists absentmindedly and I cock my head. 

Do the puppy thing. 

Look innocent. 

"Wait, what?" I interrupt and Kara gives me a weird look. 

"What?" 

"Ryan's gay?" I ask, pretending to be shocked and confused and disbelieving when in reality I know just how fucking gay he is. 

"Yeah, he didn't tell you?" Kara looks at me puzzled and I shake my head, moth fallen open in a small "oh" shape and she nods. 

"He said he was gonna tell you soon...oops." She cringes and I stare at the road. 

"Wow...Ryan Ross, gay." I shake my head and Kara raises an eyebrow. 

"What do you think of that?" She asks, genuinely curious of my opinion and I sheig. 

"It's whatever. I think he's brave for being who he is." I state and Kara makes an "Awww" sound. 

"That's so sweet of you to say." She gushes, making me feel ill and I roll my eyes. 

Play the stereotypical guy. 

She can’t know you're gay too. 

"It's still Ryan." I say defensively and she nods, looking slightly concerned. 

"Of course it is. Are you worried about behaving differently around him?" 

I shake my head. "No. It might be a little strange at first but it'll become an afterthought." 

Yeah, thinking about the fact that Ryan is gay doesn't really come to mind while our faces are locked. 

"Oh ok, good. If you wouldn't mind, don't say anything. He might be mad if I told you. You know, it's his decision to come out to who." 

"Yeah I get it." I exhale, taking a long sip of coffee and staring out the window. 

"Ok good." few seconds go by, just us sitting in the wagon while some overplayed pop seeps out of the radio. I turn to Kara and smirk. 

"So if I have girly hips does that mean-" 

"Don't even start Brendon." Kara laughs, ruffling my hair and relaxing in her seat.

"Ok fine. But I always thought Ryan had some sort of grudge against me. You know, he almost punched me in the kitchen last weekend." I say pointedly, and Kara shakes her head. 

“Yeah I’m not really sure what happened with that. He seemed really angry I’m not going to lie." She says, surprise laced in her voice. 

"He stopped touching me the second you told him to though." I say and she nods. 

"Well he usually listens to me." 

"Is that why you were so annoyed at me staying at his house? Because he's gay?" I ask and she scoffs, shaking her head. 

"No of course not....well," she trails off and looks at me worriedly. "I thought maybe something would happen." 

"like what?" I ask with a cringe and Kara blushes, red overtaking her cheeks and she coughs.

"I don't know. Well I mean, you aren't gay or anything so it's not like there was a huge risk but I know how Ryan can get and I didn't want you mixed up in all of that." She tries to explain but her words don't exactly make sense. There isn't enough background for me to say "Oh yeah I get it." There simply isn't enough there and I hate to be the one always asking "What do you mean?" but I honestly don't know what she means when she says things like this. 

"I don't know how Ryan can get." I throw her words back at her and Kara sighs. We're five minutes away, give or take. 

"He is very persistent in getting what he wants." is all she says and I roll my eyes with a fake chuckle. 

"And Ryan wants me?" I ask jokingly, Kara blushing furiously. 

"No Brendon. He just has very strong urges. There aren't many gay guys in our high school." 

"Well at least I'm not one of them or that would be a problem, huh?" I ask, and Kara lets out a strained laugh. 

"Ryan would never be allowed to date you if you were." she says sharply, 

Well we aren't dating. 

Just hooking up. 

I suppose that's a loophole. 

"Why?" I ask immediately and she gives me a strange look. 

"Why do you even care?" she spits and I shrug. 

"I'm just wondering, that's all." I respond quietly, and Kara sighs again. 

"Hypothetically, if you two dated, it would ruin Ryan and I's relationship." she says slowly and I cock my head. 

It's been fine so far. 

"And why is that?" I ask and she shakes her head. 

"I don't know. He's very emotional, you're very stubborn. he's quiet and reserved and you're pretty boisterous."  she tries to explain but after the sentence I'm left with a rebuttal I can't say out loud. 

"But that has nothing to do with your relationship." I argue and she pulls into the parking lot. 

"Yeah it does. If you two broke up, it would be awkward for the rest of our lives." 

"Oh sure." I scoff angrily and Kara parks the car and stares at me, her eyes lowered and focused. 

"Why are you being so defensive? You aren't gay..." her voice lifts a little bit at the end and shit, I've gone too far. I shake my head and look at the floor. 

"No, of course I'm not gay." I snarl, forcing the words out of my mouth even though it physically hurts to say. "I'm not some fag."  

Kara stares at me, eyes gentle and searching. She pauses for a moment and her eyes grow wide, she reaches out for my arm and tilts her head. "There's nothing wrong with-" 

"-N-No Kara!" I shout, heat boiling in my face and overwhelmed tears starting to seep into my eyes. "I'm not gay ok? It was just a conversation!" I open the door and slip out, slinging my bag over my shoulder and storming into the school. 

"Brendon!" she calls, almost angrily but I know her better then that so I keep walking until the doors slam behind me.

Ryan. 

Fuck, I have to find Ryan. 

I pop into my homeroom, making eye contact with the teacher and throwing my bag onto my desk before striding right out of the room and into the hallway. 

Juniors, where do the juniors go? 

I breathe out of my nose harshly, looking around semi frantically and I just get out my phone, looking through my contacts to even see if I have- 

_Ryan Ross._

Fucking hell I don't even know why I have his phone number but I suppose after eight years I acquired it somehow. I press the call button and press myself against the wall while waiting for him to pick up. 

".... _Brendon?"_ Ryan speaks after about three rings and four seconds before I had a panic attack. 

"Ryan fuck," I breathe, voice cracking. "I...I don't know why I'm calling you um, where are you?" My tone raises an octave and Ryan listens intently. 

" _I'm near the library...are, are you crying?"_ He asks in a concerned way and I shake my head even though he can't see me. 

"N-no I'm not crying," I snap weakly. 

"Hey, shhh it's ok. Do you need to see me?" He asks automatically and I breathe out a stuttered "y-yes."

"Ok, do you want to go to the stairwell near the music rooms? Homeroom is about to start so you check in and then meet me there." he says gently and I nod to myself. 

"O-ok." I mumble and he hums something. 

"Ok." with that he hangs up and I start walking to the stairwell, legs shaky and unsure of how to move but eventually I'm up the staircase and walking past the English rooms towards the doors that open to the stairwell I hid in the first time after I hear Ryan sing his audition. 

There's little people in the hall, people I don't know and that girl who stands near me in chorus. 

When I reach the doors I push them open and Ryan's there, he's right there standing against the wall wearing a fucking  _huge_ black cable knit sweater and I immediately fall into him, burying my face in his neck and his hands find my waist on automatic. There's no worry, no hesitation. He feels so fluffy and soft and huggable so I press against him until he's against the wall, the backs of my hands cool against the tile walls and he puts his chin on top of my head. 

"You're ok, you're just fine..." he breathes, voice low and scratchy and I don't move, don't breathe. I just hold him and let him hold me and try and forget about everything that's ever worried me. 

"What happened?" He asks softly and I lean on his shoulder, eyes closed. 

My throat forces a choked off sound to escape my lips and I shake my head, clinging to Ryan and he makes a breathless noise. 

"Just tell me, it's ok I just need you to talk to me." he says in a nurturing way and I sniff quietly. At the sound he tenses, immediately holding me tighter and mumbling soft words into my hair. 

"Brendon," he coos, "You're ok." My jaw clenches and I feel so _stupid_ for acting like this. 

I feel so  _young._

"I...I can't." I say weakly and Ryan shushes me quietly. 

"Yes you can.  Everything will be alright. I'm here." his voice is like how you feel when you wake up in a warm bed and can't get out. It's addicting, intoxicating. Lulling you into a state you just can't escape from. 

I inhale shakily. "I was in the car with Kara and we were talking and she told me you were gay so we got in a conversation about it and she started to like, catch on or something and insinuated that I'm gay or some shit so I blew up on her and left the car." I say all in one breath, the words spilling out of my mouth like vomit and Ryan stays quiet while I'm talking, then continues to be quiet when I'm done. 

"...What's wrong with you being gay?" he asks with a gentle tone. It's not hurt in the slightest. He's trying to get me to talk it out. 

"There's nothing. Absolutely nothing but I had asked figuratively what would happen if we dated, like as a joke, and she was like "It would ruin our lives."" 

Ryan pets my hair, fingers tangling and dragging through the locks and I dig my face into his collar. 

"It wouldn't ruin our lives." he chuckles softly and my breathing stutters. 

"She thinks it would. She doesn't trust it." I choke out and Ryan starts to sway, hand in my hair and arm around my waist. 

"It's none of her business anyway, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. She'll find out eventually when we  _want_ her to know and it'll be fine." Ryan assures me and I breathe, just breathe. I breathe carefully and constructed so that i don't faint on Ryan and the first bell rings. 

We have ten more minutes. 

I have ten more minutes and then  I don't see Ryan again until rehearsal. 

"I feel awf-ful." I choke out and Ryan kisses my head. 

He kisses my head. 

He's never done that before. 

"Don't. Please don't none of this is anything bad." He clarifies, voice smooth and deep and comforting. 

"ok." i mumble, my face travels back to his neck and I hold him with less force than before. 

"Im glad you decided to come to me." He notes, and I nod. 

"I was about to break down so..." I trail off, lips ghosting his neck and he shivers subtly. 

"In any case I'm still proud of you." he says. 

"Thanks." I mutter, looking up at him and he looks down, honey eyes swirling with color and emotion I can't read that well just yet. 

I'm still figuring him out, I know that. 

I'm still learning to know what to look for, when he's sad, when he's upset, when he's mad. 

"At least you won't have to see her again until I drop you off." Ryan says out of the blue and I nod. 

"I just...I don't want to hurt her."

"Neither do I." he agrees, tone honest and real. 

"Should we tell her?" I ask, blinking up at him and he shakes his head, kissing my forehead. 

"Not yet." he breathes, and I listen. 

Ok. 

Ok we won't tell her yet. 

"Alright." I mumble, looking up at him with puppy eyes. "What do I do about tonight?" 

Ryan shrugs, his shoulders movement bumping my face up and he sighs. "I don't really know. I mean, you would either deny it or admit to what you feel. Either way should be fine but I recommend just saying what you feel." 

"Okay." I breathe, hands coming up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck and his eyes close, his throat making a sound not that different from a purr and I press my cheek against his chest. 

"It'll all be fine." He hums and I nod. 

"Thank you." I say quietly and his hands cup each side of my face, pulling me up to face him. 

"It's no problem at all. You know I care about you. So fucking much. Never be scared to come to me." 

I nod eagerly, eyes drifting down from his to the lips below his nose and he pulls me in gently but quickly and surges his lips forward, pressing against mine in a fast moment and then they're gone, and he's smiling at me as a blush covers my face. 

"I...I..." I stop myself short. 

"I'll see you at musical." He winks, grabbing his bag off the floor and fixing his hair before holding the door open for me. I walk out hesitantly, looking left and right before waking to the stairwell leading back downstairs.

"I'll see you." I call softly, and he waves sheepishly before turning to the left and out of my sight.

We part our ways.

But I know we'll find out way back to each other eventually.

It's an instinct almost. Being this connected to someone. He goes left and I go right but we both know deep in our guts and hearts that we will always find our way back to each other. 

Always. 


	13. Friday (cont.)

We find our way back. 

I find my way back to his mouth, he finds his way back to mine. 

It’s rushed this time, manic. We’re pressed against the wall up in the prop closet, already taken the flight of stairs to lead us up there. I have never been up here, so when I was staring with wide eyes at all the costumes and writing on the walls in thick sharpie, Ryan was dragging me along hurriedly. He had almost slammed the heavy iron door behind him, and the stairs were creaky, the air dusty. We’re now surrounded by colorful dresses and tuxes, hats and miscellaneous props of every kind. It’s almost like an old attic, the one you never go up to look around in then when you do you realize how cool it is. 

“This is so cliche.” I laugh breathlessly, Ryan pressing me against concrete roughly, kissing my jaw. 

“I know, too expected. I’ll think of something better next time.” He rolls his eyes and I chuckle. 

I don’t know why there’s such a sense of urgency this time around. It’s been like this before, but not in public. Ryan is eager and rushed, and I’m more then willing. It’s odd, how much comfort this brings me. After freaking out this morning I had been jumpy all day, ignoring texts from Kara and blinking back random tears during class. 

Ryan’s tongue battles mine, and I sigh into his mouth when he ultimately wins and I’m left to just be pressed against the wall helplessly. 

He always gets what he wants. 

Kara had said that, right? 

“He gets what he wants.” 

And I had responded with “Ryan wants me?” 

It had been sarcastic, I get that. But I can’t help but know I was right when I said that, I knew what I was saying, jokingly or not. I know that Ryan wants me, that’s why he has me. 

Who am I to deny him that? 

I certainly don't have the power to tell him no. Well, I've said it before and I say it again when he starts sucking on my neck. 

Shivers go up my spine and he makes his way up to my ear, my entire body alive with buzzing tingles that leave me shaking. 

"I can't believe we're doing this." He scoffs in an amused way and I laugh. 

"Are't they going to wonder where  _Christian_ went?" I ask teasingly and Ryan bites my lip making me whine. 

"We've got some time." he mumbles and I kiss him harder. 

We can't get enough. 

It seems almost fake, the desire we have for each other. It's so fucking cliche for teens to be this obsessed, this horny, this insatiable. 

But it's real. I can feel it in the heat of his skin. On his hands, his cheeks. I can taste it in his mouth, such a specific taste that I keep coming back to. I hear it in his whines and whimpers and small soft moans. I can see it in his darkened, lidded eyes and the blush that creeps up his chest and spills under his neck. 

We haven't gotten sick of it. I haven't gotten sick of the strawberry taste and the warm feel. I'm sure he tastes mint toothpaste. Feels hot skin under his hands and goosebumps under his lips. 

I can’t imagine anyone getting bored of that. 

Ryan's lips pull back, a string of saliva connecting our faces and I pant against the cool air of the attic like room. It's such a contrast, us so hot against such a chilly room. My lips find his neck and he scoffs quietly, probably because I always argue against hickies but I always come back to them. They're fun. It's fun, driving him crazy. 

It's an instinct. 

"Sorry, do you not like this?" I say just to chastise him and he rolls his eyes and grips the back of my head by my hair, yanking it back and I groan. 

"No marks." he snaps and I nod, moving back forward to kiss him and he reciprocates harshly, lips soft and wet against mine. We slide against each other effortlessly, almost as if it's a second nature. I know Ryan is better at this then I am, that's a fact. But I've learned about his body enough to be able to find my way around. Ryan likes things to be meaningful, slow and careful and perfect. He likes passionate gestures like neck kisses and gentle caresses. He likes brave attempts and really any kind of effort. Ryan is a romantic. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he is.

When I decide to ignore his earlier command and start kissing his neck Ryan groans, finally just giving in and letting me have at it. 

He’s Ryan Ross, he’ll have an answer if someone asks. 

I kiss and suck on his skin, the wide expanse of his neck and Ryan moans quietly, makes these little sounds that drive me absolutely insane and I can’t even explain why. Little whimpers and whines that I can tear from him, his body going through waves of shivers and trembles as my hands wander his torso and waist. 

“Bren...” he murmurs, the word surrounded by noises of pleasure and slight pain and I find my way back to his mouth, Ryan’s hands gripping my hair tightly and my waist in a dominate way. His tongue grazes over my jaw slowly and I whimper loudly, my brain going fuzzy. My breath hitches suddenly as he lifts me up by my thighs and presses me against the wall. I choke into his mouth and rest my forehead against his shoulder as he hikes my body against concrete and wraps my legs around his waist.

oh. 

“Wow.” I breathe with a slight laugh, tanging my fingers in his hair and Ryan chuckles, biting at my lips.

”I could tell your legs were about to give out.” He mutters and my face burns. 

Cocky motherfucker. 

I kiss him needily, taking more than he can give but he tries, he tries. My face tilts down to kiss him, and his tilts up, chin raised and Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. 

“You’re magic.” He mumbles, craning his neck to French me and I giggle quietly into his mouth, our teeth clicking together gently due to the smiles on our faces. 

He’s right, this _is_ magic. 

Ryan is the dream you don’t want to wake up from, and he’s your worst nightmare. He’s the rope at the end of a race, and the mid term you didn’t study for. He’s terrifying, and yet he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

When I come to this realization he kisses me again, horribly unattractive noises coming from both of us but I can barely hear it over my heart thudding in my ears. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I need Ryan more then I lead on. Hes always taking care of me, in a way. He’s almost always there to protect me or keep me safe whether it’s when I’m hiding in his room from his dad, falling asleep in his friend's basements, or freaking out over conversations with Kara. He’s the one I can lean on, or hug, or sleep on top of. He’s familiar and comforting and that’s probably why I’m so honest and trusting of him. 

That’s probably why I love him so much. 

When I realize this, my face flies back. So fast, apparently, that I forget there’s a concrete wall behind me. It makes a thumping sound, or more like a thud, and I cry out in pain. Ryan’s eyes flicker open quickly and his one hand flies up to feel my skull. 

“What did you do?” He asks urgently, fingers threading through my hair and I bury my face in his neck, muffling the pained yelps that escape my mouth when he touches sore areas. 

“I-I don’t know.” I stutter out, breathing onto his skin and he holds me tightly, hands carding through my hair gently, in an attempt to massage the skin. 

"You hurt yourself." he mumbles, kissing the top of my head. 

"I didn't mean to." I murmur defensively and Ryan sighs, holding me tightly while rocking slowly and pressing his lips to my hair. 

There he goes again, protecting me. 

“Don’t be so careless.” He whispers absentmindedly, rubbing my back with splayed fingers, humming while I cling to him. 

This is so safe, he feels so safe. 

I can’t imagine how this could hurt anyone. I don’t know why Kara wouldn’t want this. I just don’t know. 

This can’t be hurting anyone. 

Not right now. 

“I...” I start, stopping myself seconds from finishing the sentence and he pauses his hand’s movements but continues swaying left and right. 

“You what?” He asks, voice soft and light and I want to say the next two words but I just _can’t._

I start to cry instead. 

I sniff, trying to cover it up but Ryan knows, and he holds me tighter and he gently lowers himself to the ground, using all of his balance to sit against the wall without disturbing me and I grasp him tightly, my breathing stuttered and erratic and my words coming out jumbled and an octave higher then they should be. 

“What is it?” He asks again, almost urgently and I shake my head, choking on a sob. "I don't wanna see you cry." he says gently and I cough. 

”You’re so fucking _perfect.”_ I spit, sadly yet happily at the same time and Ryan chuckles lightly, fingers back in my hair and I let out a ragged sigh, trying to stop crying. 

Jesus Christ stop crying. 

“I am far from perfect.” He says honestly, and I beg to fucking differ. 

I scoff weakly. “You’re perfect enough for me.” 

I look up at him and he smiles with closed lips, eyes shining and I know I hit a nerve. I know he wants to say something smart but he just can’t because that was an answer he wasn’t prepared for. He didn’t expect me to say that at all. 

“Oh.” He ends up breathing, and his head tilts to the right and I curl up slightly in his lap, face still propped up on his shoulder and he reaches out and wipes my eyes so fucking gently. 

“Is it bad that I’m crying like this?” I ask quietly, and Ryan shakes his head, staring off into a darkened corner of the room. 

“No.” 

“Why?” I inquire, staring at the same place he is yet I don’t see anything worth while. 

“Because I know what it feels like.” He responds, and how could he if he didn’t know why I even started crying in the first place?

”what do you mean?” I ask and he just sighs and pets my hair. 

“Things you learn when you are young never seem to catch up with you when you’re old.” Is what he says and I cock my head.

”elaborate.” 

“I just...know. You shouldn’t have to worry about anything right now besides your schoolwork and your family. I’m not a priority no matter how much you may think I am. We find each other, you know we do. I just don’t want you getting so worked up over something you shouldn’t be.” 

“Ryan,” I start, reaching up and cupping his jaw and pulling it towards me. “You’re always going to be a priority.” 

“I...I am?” He asks in a high voice, eyebrow knitted together and his eyes searching. 

“Of course.” I breathe, letting the backs of my fingers graze the line of his jaw up to his ear. He closes his eyes, leans into it, and sighs. 

“Why?” He asks hesitantly, eyes still closed and I lean into his frame. 

“I think you’re something special Ross.” I murmur, eyes lidded and gentle, looking up at him for when his eyes open. And they do, he stares down at me with honey hues even in the dim attic like space and they shine brightly. 

Bright enough to burn me. 

“You do?” He inquires, tilting his head slightly to the left and I nod gently. 

“Yeah.” I answer honestly, seeing through him completely and I don’t think he knows it. Ryan doesn’t think he’s anything intresting. Ryan isn’t aware of just how spectacular he is. Ryan just doesn’t know. 

“Oh.” He mumbles, staring off into space again and I follow his eyes. 

“What do you think about that?” 

He pauses “I think I...” He stops himself, words drifting off into space and I know the moment that he clears his throat and looks back down at me I’ll never hear them. 

“I think I do too.” Is what I say though. I fully relax into him and rub my cheek against his sweater, dragging my lip across his collar bone, feeling his heart beat. 

“Should we get back?” He asks, redirecting the conversation and I nod, feeling my head with a wince and Ryan helps me up, holding my hand while walking down the stairs. His feet are slow, careful, and he glances back at me a few times to make sure I don’t fall or stumble. 

Fucking hell. 

He grabs the doorknob and yanks it, letting out a frustrated groan while I read the writings on the wall.

_we’ll miss you verde!_

_The brightest stars to ever grace the stage!_

_You’re all my darlings!-KM_

_parting is such sweet sorrow yet I’ll see you again my friend XX_

_“_ What are these?” I ask and he turns with a smile. 

“Senior signatures.” 

He grips the knob again, yanking roughly and I watch in fascination. 

“Are you really that weak?” I ask in a teasing manner and he glares at me. 

“You try.” He snaps back and I roll my eyes, walking down the next few steps and holding onto the steel tightly, turning and pulling every which way. 

“I...I think it’s jammed or something.” I respond and turn to see him go pale as a ghost. 

“Jammed?” He repeats and I nod, kicking at the door. 

“Does it lock from the outside?” I ask and he shrugs. 

“I don’t remember it ever doing that.” He mutters, banging on the door. 

“What the fuck!” I yell in frustration, rolling my eyes at the door and Ryan turns with a frown. 

“That won’t do anything to help us.” 

“Ugh!” I sit on the stair and pout, watching as Ryan presses his ear against the door and bangs rhythmically.

“Someone has to walk by, or be out there. People will start looking for me we were only going over lines for like twenty minutes.” He says under his breath and I nod.

“Can you text Sisky or something?” I ask and his eyes widen.

“You’re a fucking genuis!” His face lights up and he grabs my face, kissing me passionately and my eyes grow, surprised by the sudden action. Ryan pulls back with a smack and gets out his phone, dialing Sisky’s number and holding it to his ear.

“...Sisky...” He says, waiting a few seconds and frowning. “...Adam!” He yells and I chuckle. I’m guessing Sisky is a nickname. “Brendon and I were looking for old scripts in the costume room and the door won’t open can you come help us out?” Ryan asks with an annoyed expression and I laugh to myself, shaking my head slightly. 

The kind of shit we get ourselves into. 

“Yeah, the costume room. The door. Sisky!” Ryan shouts, looking over his shoulder and rolling his eyes at me with a smile. 

“Dude please it’s so gross in here.” Ryan whines and I hear a chuckle on the outside of the door. 

“You guys ok?” Siskys voice comes from the other side of the iron and Ryan puts his phone back in his pocket. 

“Yeah we’re fine we just need to get out!” Ryan yells and there’s a round of banging noises until the door busts open and a breathless Sisky stands in the hallway. 

“Jesus Christ Ryan you really slammed that thing shut.” He shakes his head and Ryan shrugs. 

“I didn’t think it would do that.” 

Sisky gives him an odd look. “You remember our freshman year? The same thing happened to Leone and Katy.” He wiggles his eyebrows “but I don’t recall them wanting to be found.” 

My cheeks heat up and Ryan laughs “I do remember that.” 

“You ok Brendon?” Sisky asks, cocking his head at me. “You look sick.” 

I shake my head, making eye contact and immediately regretting it. “No I’m fine it was just...stuffy up there.” 

Ryan looks over his shoulder and his face flashes with a concerned expression that I deflect with the turn of my head. 

“I’m alright.” I press, smiling softly and standing up. “Lets just get out of here.” 

Ryan nods and steps out, walking back near the auditorium and Sisky walks beside me, a shock going through my body when he puts his arm around my shoulder. I can feel my eyes widen and I look straight ahead. 

Ryan. 

R y a n. 

Help. 

“You sure you’re ok man? You’ve been acting out of it all afternoon.” Sisky inquires and I just smile and pat his hand. 

“I’m fine, really. Might be a little under the weather but it’s fine.” Come to think of it, I have been feeling sick. A lot of sniffs, a lot of drowsiness, and too much crying, way more then usual. 

It’s like I’m on my period or something. 

"Ok just let me know if you need anything." Sisky says quietly and I smile warmly. 

“Yeah man, of course.” 

He recirpocates the expression and we walk to the auditorium, Ryan turning on his heel at the doors and his eyes drift to Sisky’s arm, then dart away quickly. 

“Did Leeds need us?” He asks and Sisky shrugs. 

“He’s mostly doing work with the ensemble, you guys still have time to rehearse your Sound of Music scene or whatever.” He says and I look at Ryan expectantly. 

“I still don’t know anything about this show so...” I mumble, looking at the floor and Sisky laughs.

”No one really does.” 

Ryan sighs. “We’ll watch it sometime this weekend with Kara.” 

“Ok.” I say, my head starting to throb and I lean against Sisky. 

“You guys can do that and I’ll come get you when Leeds needs ya.” Sisky offers, his heat retreating and and I blink excessively and look away from him. 

Why would you do that?

oh my fucking god.

Sisky walks back into the auditorium and shuts the door, Ryan turning to me and lowering his eyes. 

“What’s your damage?” 

“I thought you said that was an old expression.” I mumble and he laughs, face giving up on its scowl and releasing a smile. 

“Yeah well it seems fitting for this situation.” He retorts and I raise an eyebrow. 

“How?” I ask innocently and his mouth twitches. 

“You can’t just do that.” He almost whines, taking a step forward and I take a step back. 

“Do what?” I encourage, cocking my head and Ryan sighs. 

“That. With Adam.” He says, voice strained and I smile. 

“Ryan...” I look at him with a gentle smile. “You can’t possibly think that was anything worth worrying about.” 

He fidgets where he stands, something I’m not used to seeing. “I...I don’t know.” 

“You do know.” I say in a leading way, trying to pry the words out of him. 

“You’ve done this before.” I say pointedly and Ryan scoffs. 

“So have you.” He retorts and I furrow my eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

”You've tried to...make me...” he struggles to find his words. 

“Jealous?” I ask, stepping forward and I watch as red creeps up his neck. 

“Jealous? No. I don’t get jealous.” He spits. “Don’t accuse me of that.” The way his tone sounds let's me know exactly what he's thinking. It's too confident, so confident that the shakiness shows through in the undertone and I knew he was jealous from the start yet I just wanted him to admit it. 

“Are you sure?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow to match the smirk pulling at my cheeks. 

“Yes I’m sure.” He says defensively. 

“So you’re telling me,” I start, taking a step forward and he watches me intently. “If I went and told Adam I was sick and needed to be driven home, you wouldn’t care?” 

“Well I’d just take you home.” Ryan says, sounding confused and I shake my head. 

“No they need Christian here. But Sisky would have a free twenty minutes to take me home.” I argue, watching as Ryan’s neck gets pinker and pinker, the pigment spreading to his cheeks. 

“I could take twenty minutes off.” Ryan spits and I chuckle. 

“But why would you? It’s not like you’re my boyfriend. Sisky could drive me and it wouldn’t matter.” I say coyly, shifting my weight on my feet and swaying my hips. 

“It would matter.” Ryan rebuttles, and he’s starting to crack I can see it in his face. I know that look, the furrowed brows, eyes bright and puzzled, his lips twitching. 

He’s getting frustrated. 

“It shouldn’t. I mean, if you were jealous then I’d just give it up and rely on you but if you aren’t it shouldn’t matter whether I hang out with Sisky or not.” I say, putting emphasis on the "hang out" part of the sentence and Ryan takes a step forward. 

“It does matter! It matters because you and I are us, you are mine not Adam’s and he should keep his hands off of what's mine!" Ryan borderline shouts, eyes widening and he blinks quickly, his confident stance shattering and he stares at me in disbelief. 

Oh shit. 

He looks like a kicked puppy, backing up at staring at me like I'm the devil reincarnated. 

Maybe I am. 

I only stand my ground, smiling sheepishly and raising a single eyebrow. “You sure that’s not jealousy?” 

Ryan scowls, he hates it when I’m right. He hates it when I corner him, point out what isn’t perfect about him and he absolutely despises me at times like these. 

“Maybe you just need to be reminded of who you belong to.” He murmurs, striding two steps and he grabs my bicep, pulling me around the corner and into the chorus room, locking the door behind him. 

“So I belong to you now?” I ask teasingly, completely in agreeance that yes, I do basically belong to him. We belong to each other. It’s obvious there’s feelings, and it shouldn’t be ok for me to joke about flirting with his friends. I can see where that would irk him. He wants me, I want him. We shouldn’t want anyone else. 

“You always have.” He mumbles, picking me up easily, way too easily, and putting me on the piano in the corner of the room. It makes a banging noise and a mixture of sour notes and I cringe. 

“Ryan I-“ I start, being cut off by his lips mid sentence and I kiss back eagerly, who cares about what I had to say anyways? 

“Don’t act like a tease, you aren’t a tease and you aren't going to like what happens if you act like one.” Ryan growls, forcing my chin up with his head as he starts to bite and suck on my neck. It’s aggressive, fast, and meaningful. Purposeful. His lips are soft and supple, and yet they carry so much ammunition for pain and it’s all loving, it’s all affection. I wouldn’t let him hurt me if I didn’t want him to. This is what he needs, apparently. To mark me up in order to feel more secure. He needs to know that I won’t run away, that I won’t stray from him. 

I could've just told him that instead of pretending to flirt with Sisky. But I wasn't even flirting, Sisky isn't even gay. 

"Fuck, Ry-" I mumble, my fingers gripping his waist as my legs wrap around his thighs. Ryan groans onto my skin and his hands wander to my lower back. 

I can already tell that there's going to be bruises. Ryan can control whether he wants to make marks or not. Kisses mean affection, trying to rip moans from me. Teeth and tongue means he's after a masterpiece. Ryan likes to be an artist with everything he does. He's a lover, a passionate lover and he wants to make art of us. 

I don't mind. 

I like the way his brain works. 

I know that this a a publicity stunt for him; mark me up so no one'll want to cross me. Not like there were many people after me in the first place. Maybe there was, maybe Ryan noticed. Maybe he's latching on to me while he can. As if I'd go off with someone else. As if he has something to lose. 

I suppose we both do at this point. 

That's terrifying. 

"You still with me?" he chuckles, inching up to my ear and god fucking dammit he knows that's my favorite spot. He chuckles, breath in my ear and I shiver, smiling wide. 

“Yep.” I pant, whining when he bites on my earlobe. 

“Good.” 

“Ryan stop.” I mumble and he pulls back, staring at me carefully. 

“Is there something wrong?” He asks, tone low and serious and I shake my head. 

“N-no I just, shouldn’t we get back to what we’re supoosed to be doing?” I inquire and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“I basically have the script memorized.” He laughs lightly and I roll my eyes. 

“But I don’t.” I argue, whining slightly and Ryan nods to himself. 

“Then we can watch the movie.” He insists, and I kiss his cheek and pat the skin. 

“You know we wouldn’t be able to pay attention.” I say honestly and he rolls his eyes. 

“I know how to control myself.” He grumbles and I raise my eyebrows.

“Oh really? So you’re telling me if we sat together, alone, in the dark, on a couch, you wouldn’t do anything?” I ask coyly and Ryan nods, looking as if he’s being caught doing something he shouldn’t be.

“Yeah.” He says absolutely. He sounds like he’s 100% sure he’d be able to control himself. 

"Ok. So... if I was to not wear a shirt..and lay on your lap...you wouldn't mind?" I look up at him with wide eyes, innocent and doe like. My fingers graze the sides of Ryan's torso and he bites the inside of his cheek. 

"You aren't a tease, I know you aren't." He shakes his head, voice low. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." I whisper, inhaling sharply as his hands grab mine and hold them away from him. The loss of heat is only momentary however, because when he lets go of my wrists his hands fine my face and our mouths collide. I gasp into his mouth and he takes my breath away greedily, kissing me hard and I kiss him back, my face turning to the left and surging forward over and over. 

We can’t get enough of each other. 

I had been falsely told that you get sick of someone after a few days. 

I have been rudely misinformed.

“You’ve got to stop being such a slut before I get impatient.” Ryan breathes as he pulls back and I inhale deeply. 

“That sucks.” I respond simply, running a hand through my hair and licking my lips. 

Wait...did he just call me a slut?

I think he did. 

Whatever. 

I'm into it. 

“You have me fucked up.” He laughs breathlessly, looking at the ceiling. 

“I know.” I smile genuinely and he rolls his eyes and kisses my cheek. 

“We should get back, movie tonight or tomorrow?” He asks with a raised eyebrow and I shrug.

”You can text Kara and ask her if you can come over, I don’t know what she’ll say regarding this morning.” 

Ryan stares at me a second before nodding, as if he forgot. “She wanted to talk to me about that. She’s pretty upset, confused.” He says quietly and I look at his belt. 

“I know what the right thing to do is, I just don’t know if I’m ready to do it.” I say in almost a whisper and Ryan puts his head on top of mine. 

“Don’t rush it...but don't lie.” Ryan mumbles and I nod, closing my eyes and breathing carefully. 

“Ok.” 

"Don't let this blow up in your face." He says clearly and I sigh heavily. 

"Ryan." 

"Yeah?" The pressure from his head and I look up, his hand coming up to cup my cheek and I want to start crying again I love it when he does that.

"You're sweet." I say absentmindedly, trying to not make it seem like a big deal but it kind of is. 

He smiles charmingly. "Right back atcha." He starts digging in his pocket for something and I watch, tilting my head in fascination until he pulls out a red Jolly Rancher. 

"Cherry?" I ask, raising an eyebrow and he unwraps it, giving it to me. 

"Tell me." He says and I put it in my mouth. 

fuck. 

"Cherry." I smile, knowing my teeth are probably turning red and his cheeks battle a smile, looking down suddenly and he plays with his hair. 

"Good." He murmurs and I look at the ceiling. 

"I want to know where I can go when you're not around." I say quietly, humming a tune I've gotten stuck in my head. 

"Oh, I need you so, cause right now you know nothing is new." Ryan continues the song and I smile, kissing him and cutting him off. He mumbles something that sounds like " _You're_ sweet." It's under his breath, and I know he's only saying that because I taste like artificial cherry but I could say the same thing about him and his strawberry bubblegum. 

"-And I'm obsessed with you." I sigh, Ryan chuckling. 

My head rests on his shoulder and he stands against the piano and continues to hum, people walking around and talking outside the room but I barely care, I can't bring myself to. We're in our own little world right now and anything other than each other is irrelevant. 

I don't want to have to say I love him.

I don't, it isn't necessary. 

If I say something and fuck this up it'll be over, I'll have nothing left. I've said it before; the thought of having something to lose is terrifying. 

~~I don't even know if I love him.~~

Ryan is something I want to keep forever, the thought of labeling this a crush is obscure. Two weeks ago it was a crush. A small one and then a big one. Now it's more than that, it's so much more and it's frightening. Puppy love is one of the most disgusting feelings I've ever felt, and though it's been horrible with other people in the end I have a feeling it won't be so bad this time, it may even be good. 

He makes everything so much better.

Yet I don’t want to have to say that I love him. It’s obvious I do, but he can’t know that. If he finds out or if I blurt it randomly he’ll be scared away, he’ll go far away and I’ll never see him, touch him, ever again. 

I cant do that to myself. 

Because I know that that’s what he would do, I know it indefinitely. 

Ryan would be scared of me, I don't want that. I'm already scared enough of him that'd be too much of a power imbalance. 

~~But I don't even know if I love him.~~

I care about him, that' obvious. But do I  _love_ him? I mean, I feel safe around him, I feel protected and cared for and I guess...loved. 

But does that mean I love him too?

Wait wait wait wait-

Does that mean he loves  _me?_

I laugh to myself, shaking my head because that can't be right. 

"What?" I hear and I look up with wide eyes and see Ryan staring down at me. My hair crackles from the electricity formed when my head grazed his shirt and it makes me blink in shock. 

"Huh?" I tilt my head and he cups my chin. 

"You were laughing." he says in a slightly confused way; offended, fragile. 

"Not at anything specific." I say in defense and he nods. 

"Ok then." 

I smile and kiss him fondly, his warm face against mine and I savor it before he pulls away and pats my cheek, his thumb rubbing against the skin affectionately like he does and I lean into it like a cat. 

"You're so cute." Ryan mumbles and I smile sheepishly, moving my face away and blushing. 

"Thanks." 

He winks and steps away, kissing my forehead before unlocking the door and looking around hesitantly before he give someone me a thumbs up. 

We always leave on a kiss.

That's our thing, even after such a short time, we have our little things. Not like it’s super original, a lot of people do that, it isn’t particularly special. But every time one of us leaves we kiss the other, anywhere. It doesn’t even matter. Cheek, lips, forehead, it’s all the same love. 

We always end with love I suppose. 

It’ll always end with love. 


	14. Friday/Saturday

A flight or fight response is a psychological feeling that occurs when there’s a possibility of danger or when someone feels they are in the presence of oncoming danger. As the name suggests, you can either fight your way out of the situation or take flight and flee, escape, do whatever you need to in order to avoid what is about to happen to you. 

I think about my options for the obvious oncoming danger that awaits inside my house. Glancing over my shoulder Ryan waves from where he is inside his car and I clench my jaw, looking at him pleadingly before sighing heavily and opening the door. 

Seconds after my feet hit the hardwood of our hallway I hear a voice from upstairs. "Brendon?" 

I close my eyes and cringe. "Yeah?" 

Feet start to move, thudding on carpet and I see Kara's red chucks walking down the stairs. I'm frozen, glued to the spot and I guess flight isn't an option because I know that the second I try to move I'll trip and fall and she'll be able to catch me. 

"Hey, can you talk for a little bit?" She asks gently, her hands wrapping around the railing and I can see her chipping coral pink polish barely hanging onto her fingers. 

"Uh," I say, coughing slightly. "Ryan's outside, we were gonna go over lines and watch the movie." I say quietly and she makes an almost unreadable expression and looks out the window. 

"Oh, um ok. Can we talk though? Only for a few minutes?" She asks, voice high and so unlike her and I nod. 

"Yeah sure. I'll tell Ryan he can wait down here or something." I open the door and motion for him to come in, turning to Kara awkwardly. 

We stand in the hallway completely silent and Ryan opens the door carefully, looking at Kara first, then me. He fights a smile and tries to stay neutral. 

“Thanks for staying outside Ry. Brendon and I are going to talk upstairs for a few minutes so you can just chill down here ok?” She says still using the strained voice. 

“Yeah sure, whatever you need.” He yawns and slumps into the living room, flopping onto the sectional and grabbing the remote. 

I watch him yearningly, the way he bounces his leg and tries to keep his attention on the tv he couldnt care less about. I know he’s nervous about what’s about to go down between Kara and I, and he cat let it show or else she’d notice. I look at him a second more before turning away quickly and staring at Kara. 

“Upstairs?” She asks and I nod, following her begrudgingly and shooting Ryan a terrified look and he makes a heart with his fingers. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

I choke down a whine and wipe my face, fixing my hair and playing with my sleeve as I enter her room. She sits on her bed and looks over my shoulder. 

“Can you close the door?” She asks and I nod, shutting the sticker covered door slowly and I stand in the center of her room looking at the floor. 

Flight has officially been eliminated. 

“What did you want to talk...you know what I’m going to skip the bullshit.” I say in an irritated tone, looking up at her with lowered eyes and she stares me down. 

“Ask me whatever you want to ask.” I say finally, crossing my arms and widening my stance in an attempt to look more confident. 

“Ok...” she looks me up and down. “Why did you get so upset this morning?” She asks, cocking her head and pushing her hair behind her ears. 

“Because,” I spit, looking at the ground and trying my best not to yell at her. “Because I felt offended.” 

“Why?” Kara’s dark eyebrows knit together and she makes the same face Ryan does when I rant about random shit. They do the same things sometimes, like they’ve adapted the same traits after knowing each other so long. 

“I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t like the fact you were telling me I wouldn’t be good at something.” I respond, shrugging and looking at the pile of stuffed animals on her bed. It’s too many for a junior.

“But it wasn’t supposed to be an insult, I didn’t even know that you would be offended by that.” She counters, looking at me strangely and I scratch the back of my neck. 

“It was weird I don’t really know. I was tired, it was early. Irritable I suppose.” I say, thinking for a second. “And Ryan and I get along really well, so you telling me we wouldn’t kinda bothered me because I’ve been trying to make an effort to get close to him.” 

Milk this. 

Youre doing a good job. 

Make her guilty that will work.

"Oh." She looks at her nails for a minute and then looks back up at me with a guilty expression like I knew she would. "I didn't realize it meant that much to you." 

"Well I mean it is high school, and Ryan has been a part of my life for a while...I felt bad about not taking advantage of having a great friend at my disposal. I didn't want to steal him from you but then you wanted us to get close so I'm just at a cross roads right now." I try to explain as convincing as I can. This is all half true, half false and only I know which is which. 

"I'm sorry Brendon, that must have been really stressful." Kara says sadly and I shrug. 

"It's whatever." I mumble and she watches me for a few seconds. 

"But what about when we started talking about him being gay? You seemed to be very touchy after that." 

"Listen Kara, I..." My words die in my throat. I can either lie and make this whole thing worse, deny who I am, or I can tell the truth and fuck everything up. It might not, but I don't know if I'm willing to take that chance. I just don't know if I can risk seeing Ryan like that. 

"...Brendon?" she encourages, her posture relaxing and the heater humming across the room and I sigh and close my eyes. 

"I don't know. I don't know what you want me to say." 

She motions for me to come closer to her. "C'mere, let's talk about this." 

In order to not fuck everything up more, I obey. I sit next to her and she holds my hands in hers. They're warm, she's warm and familiar and I can tell her things right? I can trust her with this, right? 

"I don't want you to tell me something that isn't true, just tell me what you feel, what you felt." Kara's voice is so fucking feminine, and safe and soft and I don't know if I can even lie to her at this point. 

I bite my cheek and can taste just a hint of strawberry. 

Maybe I can lie a little bit. 

"It's weird." I start, trying to rack my brain for something to say that won't royally screw me. "I like girls you know? You know that. I guess just recently I've been feeling different things I guess. Things I had tried not to let myself accept for a while. I'm not gay," I try and blurt out and she nods, looking unfazed. "But I don't think I'm one hundred percent straight...if that makes sense?" my voice cracks and I stare at her hands on mine instead of her face and she makes a small sighing noise. 

"You weren't always the biggest fan of girls." she says softly and I look up with furrowed brows. 

"How could you tell?" I ask, cocking my head and she smiles. 

"It's just something you notice." Kara chuckles softly and I nod.

"So there isn't a problem with that? You aren't mad?" I ask, my voice almost as high as hers was earlier. 

She laughs. "Of course I'm not mad! I'm mad you didn't tell me sooner but I'd never be upset about anything like that." She smiles at me fondly and I smile, staring at my lap and blinking. 

My face feels wet. 

"Oh don't cry." Kara laughs sweetly and I wipe my face. Fuck, am I crying? 

I look at my hand and it's shiny, I guess I am crying. 

"I...I didn't mean to start, I don't know why...?" I look up at her and she cups my face the way Ryan does. 

"You let something off your chest you haven't told anyone, I would imagine you feel emotional." Kara says and I start to cry harder, realizing she wasn't the first one and she thinks she is. 

“Yeah I guess.” I sniff, wiping my face furiously and she pulls me in for a hug. 

It feels so safe, and warm and confined in the best way possible and I feel so guilty about this. I feel so bad about all of it and all I want is Ryan because I know that he’ll help me breathe. 

“Are you going to tell mom and dad?” Kara asks and I shake my head, resting it on her shoulder. It’s too thin, boney and curved. 

“No, not yet.” I say quietly and she makes an unintelligible noise. 

“Are you going to tell Ryan?” She asks and I tense up. 

I mean if he didn’t know I could just remind him by sticking my tongue down his throat. 

“I think he already knows.” Is what I say however, and Kara pulls back and raises an eyebrow. 

"Really? What makes you think that?” She asks, and I shrug. 

“He’s been oddly nice about everything, super supportive and really like...wise I guess. He’s been helping me out.” 

With my libido. 

“Ahh, I get it. He might know, but you should talk to him about it, maybe get some pointers on handling your mixed emotions.” Kara suggests and I nod with a smile. 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

She pats my knee and wipes my face, looking at me admirably. “You wanna go down now?” 

I nod immediately, guilt bubbling up again and I sigh quietly. "Yeah." 

Kara stands with a small smile, petting my head and opening her door, to which I scurry out and make a beeline for the bathroom so I can wash my face and hopefully not look like I just watched Marley and Me. 

I let water drip down my neck and dot my shirt when I look in the mirror. I see someone that looks like me, yet they are unfamiliar. I don't know who this is, the person with red eyes and pouting lips. The tips of my hair are drenched and the collar of my shirt now as well. I don't know who this is. This person lies, they lie a lot to keep what they want and what they think they need and I don't remember myself ever being like this. 

I suppose things change, but is this change for the better? 

Kara walks by and pats my shoulder, kissing my wet cheek and continuing down the hall. 

I dry off my face with a small smile, feeling warm and fuzzy after the sudden spurt of affection and I go to change my shirt, pulling on a random black sweatshirt and stomping downstairs. Ryan's head whips to the doorway when I get to the bottom of the steps and I smile sheepishly, trying to cover half of my face subtly with my hand. He scoots over, into the corner of the sectional and pats the space beside him. I look at the TV and see some weird Sci Fi show on that I have no clue about and I walk in on slightly shaky feet. 

"How'd it go?" he whispers gently and I shrug, sitting down next to him, not too close, but close. 

It isn't close enough. 

My hands itch to hold his, my body just wants us to be connected. It almost hurts physically to sit so near him, yet so far. Like a tease, just being within distance of touching him yet I'm not allowed to or else it'll raise suspicion. Kara is upstairs, my parents at work. I'd hear her come down right? I'd be able to move away from him if I needed to. 

"It was fine." I mutter eventually and Ryan stares at me, looking doubtful. 

"Tell me how it went Brendon." he commands and I bite my lip and look at the ceiling. 

"I told her I was bi." I say bluntly and Ryan's eyes widen slightly, yet his expression doesn't change. 

"And she said..." he edges me on and I run a hand through my damp hair. 

"That she kind of knew but she's glad I told her?" I whisper in a high tone and Ryan nods slowly. 

"So it  _was_ that obvious." he smiles to himself and I stare at him and cock my head. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Your sexuality was obviously not pin straight Bren." he chuckles "I thought I was the only one that noticed." 

"Oh." a smile pulls at my cheeks and I look down at my lap, fighting the urge to blush because apparently Ryan had been analyzing me the same way I had been doing it to him. We both knew something was off and now we know what it had been all along. He was right, I am just like him. We're very similar, and not in the way we look or how we act. It's who we are as people. We're both compassionate, nervous, stubborn boys that just so happen to be gay. 

I know that this whole thing is a rare scenario, a once in a lifetime chance. Not the whole "dating a boy" thing but the whole "dating Ryan thing." But we aren't dating, he isn't my boyfriend. I don't know why I keep coming back around to that it can't be, and won't be true. 

"Did she ask about me at all, does she know anything?" he asks in a rushed way, curious and almost panicked but he's holding himself back. I smile and shake my head. 

"No. She told me I should tell you." I giggle quietly and Ryan smirks. 

"I don't really think you need to tell me, I'm well aware." he teases and I roll my eyes. 

"That's what I was thinking." I say with a laugh, still trying to cover part of my face by leaning against the couch with a hand on my cheek. 

Ryan's eyes flicker over my face, stopping at the areas around my eyes and I know that he sees, I know that he knows. 

He doesn't say anything though. 

I don't really think he needs to say anything. 

Kara starts walking down the stairs and I scramble away from him, Ryan shooting me a look that says "are you fucking serious?" He rolls his eyes and folds in on himself, picking up the remote and Kara pops her head in. 

"Uh...I'm going out." she says softly and I whip to her. 

"What? Where?" I look her up and down and she isn't wearing her school clothes anymore. She's wearing a long sleeved purple dress and her hair is down, her eyelids glittery. 

"Why the hell do you look like a prostitute?" Ryan asks and Kara's mouth falls open. 

"Ryan!" she exclaims in an offended way and Ryan chuckles deeply. 

"Kara...?" I look at her and she blushes heavily. 

"If you must know, I'm going out on a date." she almost mumbles but I catch it, my entire body spinning around and my eyebrows shoot up. 

"WHAT?!" I exclaim, and Ryan starts laughing. 

"With _Mike_?" Ryan asks in knowing sarcasm and Kara scowls at him. 

"Yes with _Mike_." she mocks his teasing tone and rolls her eyes. I look over at Ryan and he's biting his knuckles, trying to contain a burst of laughter and I wonder what is so funny about this Mike character. Ryan’s long legs are pulled up to his chest and he's all curled up, looking small and young with his curly hair and mischievous smile. 

“When did this happen?” I ask and Kara shrugs. 

“He’s in my psych class.” She simply and I nod, a small smile on my face. 

I’m happy for her. 

Happier that she’ll be distracted by a boy while Ryan and I fuck around.

"Well have fun. What time are you coming back?" I ask and she thinks for a minute. 

"Well it's 6 now...maybe around 10?" she tilts her head and I nod. 

"Ok, say hi for me." I wink and she rolls her eyes. 

"As if. Ryan, you're in charge. Please don't let anything happen." she says in a pleading voice and Ryan nods. 

"Yep, I'm always in charge." he smiles at me and I scoff and roll my eyes. Play a part, make Kara think we aren't going to start sucking faces the second she leaves. 

"Alright. you two have a good time I'll see you later. Text me!" she calls, opening the door and stepping out, keys jangling in her hands and I glance at Ryan with a raised eyebrow. 

"What a turn of events." I say in a low, surprised voice. Ryan shakes his head and smirks. 

 "You planned this." he says indefinitely and my mouth falls open. 

"I had no idea!" I exclaim, and Ryan snickers. 

"That's funny though, how she thinks she could leave us alone." he laughs to himself and I raise an eyebrow. 

"Well I mean the house won't catch on fire," I crawl over to him on the couch "you'e in charge after all." 

Ryan looks me up and down, his eyes lidded and searching and I cock my head and smile at him, putting my hand on his chest. 

"What do you wanna do first?" I ask, mouth incredibly close to his and he grins. 

Ryan goes to say something, hands on my waist and the doorknob clicks, my body stiffening and I launch myself across the couch as the door opens and Kara runs in. 

"I forgot my car keys!" she yelps, running up the stairs and I catch my breath, looking over at Ryan with wide eyes and he starts to laugh. 

"Jesus Bren you really thought." he teases and I flip him off. 

"shut up." I grumble and he stares at me. 

"You're gonna regret that." he mumbles under his breath and changes the channel to Netflix, searching through the movies as Kara runs back down the stairs with two sets of jingling keys. 

"I grabbed the keys to the house instead of the keys to my car!" she laughs breathlessly and I glare at her, Ryan laughing and shaking his head. 

"Iconic." he says in an amused tone and Kara blows us a kiss before rushing out the door again, her heels clicking against the hardwood and the door slams shut. It clicks again and I know she's locked us in so I turn back to Ryan as he starts searching for Moulin Rouge. 

I watch him as he clicks the buttons, how his eyes brighten when he sees the title and he clicks on it, the screen darkening and I subtly reach to my left and turn off the lamp, the sun almost set outside and the room is a dusty pink color, both of us reflected in the light and it's moody, it's aesthetic in the way it looks like a photo you see on tumbler, with the song lyrics either above or below the image and it makes me calm. Makes me happy I'm here with him. 

When the light goes off Ryan turns to me, his hair framing his face and his sweater pooling in his lap. It's too big, it would look much better on the floor, or hanging from a lamp. 

"What's the plan?" I ask quietly, suddenly meek and Ryan's lips curl up and he just stares at me looking so genuinely joyful and it makes the feeling in my gut swell. 

This is such skinny love. 

There are two ways to define 'skinny love', but both talk about romantic relationships. It's a term used to describe a type of relationship between two people that are very in love with each other, or are crushing big time on the other; but are far to embarrassed to express their feelings.

Again I digress. 

"You probably should watch this if you want to do a good job." Ryan says and I groan.

"I want to watch it," I insist, making my way over to him and I wait for him to outstretch his legs before laying on top of him. I wrap my arms around his torso and lay my head on his chest to feel his chest travel up and down in a steady rhythm. 

“If you really want to then you have to pay attention.” He says almost as a warning and I nod eagerly, excited to be introduced to something he loves so much. I want to learn more about him, become more connected. I want to know what goes on inside his head, what hits him hard, what makes him really feel. 

“Of course I’ll pay attention.” I snap and he chuckles, starting the movie and I sigh gently and lay against him, listening to his heart beat as the opening chords start and the curtain opens on the screen. 

Halfway through I notice that this is a really odd movie. It’s peculiar in the best way possible. It’s like a crazy dream mixed with popular songs turned show tunes and lots of crazy colors and dancing and a plot line straight out of a crackheads brain. Christian is sexy, Satine is beautiful and insane in the most charming way, and my character is funny and entertaining to watch. I can pull him off, it won’t be that hard. 

Ryan's fingers have been carding through my hair since the first song started playing, and my thumb has been brushing the skin on his bicep for over an hour. It's a second nature at this point, or physical connection. Almost as if we move on automatic and we don't have to think about it, our skin finds one another eventually. I almost fall asleep by the time Christian gets to Satine's room, and a loud series of female moaning jolted me awake and I open my eyes to see Satine trying to seduce Christian or something. I raise an eyebrow and crane my neck to look up at Ryan and he laughs quietly. 

"She's a prostitute. She thinks he's rich I'd milk it too." he chuckles into my ear and I roll my eyes. 

"Is Keltie going to do that to you?!" I exclaim in shock as Satine tackles Christian to the huge bed and Ryan laughs. 

"Well yeah." He smiles down at me and I scowl, looking back at the tv. 

"Bren." he sighs, sounding amused but trying to hide it and I roll my eyes. 

"C'mon you can't possibly be upset about that." Ryan chuckles and I shake my head. 

“No I’m not upset.” I respond quickly and he reaches down and plays with my cheeks. 

“You’re jealous?” He asks and I ignore him and keep watching the movie. 

Jealous?

That’s ridiculous. 

So I guess I’m pretty ridiculous. 

“Brendon?” He repeats and I close my eyes. 

“No.” 

“Yes.” 

I turn and look at him. “What’s so wrong with that?!” 

He makes a confused face. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“Oh.” I stare at his nose and curse myself in my head. 

“It’s fine Brendon. It’s just acting-“ as Ryan says this Satine starts to unbuckle Christian’s pants and my character looks in the window and yells _“He’s got a huge...talon!”_

I stare at the tv for a moment, trying to figure out what that means and the second I do I whip around to Ryan with wide eyes. 

“Ryan!” I exclaim, and he laughs. 

He fucking laughs. 

“What?” He asks innocently and my face flushes red. 

“I can’t say that in front of everyone!” I yell, his face scrunching up in another set of laughter and I scoff. 

Thats like me going up to the microphone at graduation and yelling “Ryan Ross has a huge dick!” 

I can’t fucking do that. 

Never. 

“Yes you can, it’s just acting.” He chuckles, pettng my face and I continue to stare at him like he’s insane. 

“It wouldn’t be acting.” I say seriously and apparently Ryan thinks that’s hilarious as well. 

“Well I’m glad you think so.” His laughter dies off eventually and I shake my head. 

“You know it.” I snap and he smirks. 

“Maybe.” He winks and the blush that’s been covering my face intensifies. 

“Asshole.” I mutter and he kisses my forehead.

”You love it.” He says pointedly and I roll my eyes and lay back down again. 

“I’m not saying that.” 

“But you still know it’s true. All of it.” Ryan’s cocky voice comes from above me and I hate him in this moment. I hate being one upped. 

Big cock=big ego

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I mumble and his fingers find their way back to my hair. 

“It actually gets quite tedious.” He says under his breath and I look up at him. 

“What does?” 

His eyes grow wide, he hadn’t meant for me to hear that. 

“Uh, nothing.” He coughs but I knit my eyebrows together and scoot up so we’re face to face. 

“No, what did you say?” 

“I was just saying it gets tedious.” He mumbles and I look at him incredulous. 

“I’m sure having a huge dick sucks.” I roll my eyes and he chuckles lightly. 

“Kinda, Yeah.” 

“Ok whatever.” I laugh to myself and lay back down, on his stomach so I can stretch out my legs more behind me. I don’t know where we are in the movie but I’m hoping it’s over soon so I can molest Ryan. 

“I’m just saying, yeah it’s great when you’re with someone but when you’re not it’s kinda a nuisance.” He tries to explain but it just ends up making me laugh, which prompts him to tug my hair in irritation. 

“Ow! Hey!” I yelp, sitting up and staring at him. The sun has been down forever now and the red light from the movies aestetic has illuminated Ryans face a crimson color. 

Good thing he can’t see me blushing. 

“What are you going to do about it?” He asks teasingly, staring me down and I stare into his eyes, daring him to do it again. He doesn’t, just sits there with his lip between his teeth and I decide to just surge forward and tug it out myself. I kiss him hard and he reciprocates immediately, this is what he wanted the whole time. Granted, it’s what I wanted too but that doesn’t matter as much. 

I kiss him passionately and he kisses back, our faces moving in synchronization like they should and it’s always so smooth and perfect even when it’s rushed and manic and looking for spit and teeth and tongue. 

The imperfections are what makes it so much more perfect.

We make out for a few more minutes until another song starts and Ryan hums something, realizing we should be watching the movie like we agreed we would so he pulls back and turns my face around so I have to look at the tv. I give him a look that reads “seriously?” And he just smiles and wipes his face, pushing my head down onto his chest and I resume my earlier position. 

“Ryan....” I groan and he ignores me. 

Wow. 

His fucking precious Moulin Rouge. More important than me? I think not. I rub his thigh to try and get his attention but he ignores me, playing with my hair again and I pout and trail my fingers down to his inner thigh. 

“Brendon.” He snaps. It’s firm and dominate and I stop right where I am and freeze. “Stop.”

I do, frowning and pulling my hand away in defeat. His skin is warm and comforting when it’s on mine, I just want more of it. I sit up and pull my hoodie off, mumbling something in an annoyed tone about burning alive and Ryan chuckles under his breath. 

I’m doing everything I can. 

My form drapes over his once again, my head in his lap and my hands curled into my chest. Ryan’s hesitant fingers dance across my bare back. 

“You are really hot.” He says in conformation and I shrug. 

“I don’t know why.” I mumble the response and Ryan leans forward and pulls my head up to face him. His lips attach to my forehead and I lay there in muted shock when he just stays there and pulls back a few seconds later.

”Do you feel ok?” He asks and I blink and nod my head. 

“Yeah I’m fine.” I respond and he nods, looking doubtful, and his finger tips start running along the expanse of my back once again. I watch the movie, something wonderfully unexplainable happening and I don’t know why but I have a feeling Ryan isn’t watching it with me. His fingers are specific in their movements, trailing along my shoulder blades in a thin line and I close my eyes. It feels so good, so gentle and loving and they do little swirling movements, his nails dragging across the surface once and a while. 

It feels loving. 

“I think you might be sick.” Ryan says after a few minutes and I groan. 

“No I’m not.” 

“Yeah, you are. I’ve noticed it. You’ve been sniffing and zoning out and coughing for the past few days. Sisky noticed it too.” He points out and I sit for a few minutes, breathing through a congested nose I hadn’t even realized was clogged. 

“Oh. It’s not that bad I’ll be fine.” I say neutrally, but Ryan stops his moments and pulls me up. 

“You should go to sleep.” He says and I shake my head. 

“N-no! We’re still watching the movie, it’s a Friday!” I exclaim and Ryan shakes his head. 

“I don’t want you to get sick when I’m in charge.” He argues and I roll my eyes. 

“Ryan it’s fine, I’m fine-“ 

“-No.” He pauses the movie and stands up, me whining in opposition and Ryan ignores it, picking me up suddenly and I cling to him with wide eyes. 

“Ryan!” I whine, trying to flop out of his arms and he holds me tighter. 

“Stop squirming.” He says sharply and I shake my head. 

“Ry stop!” I claw at his chest and he shakes his head. 

“No Bren. You’re sick, please let me take care of you.” He says in a high voice, almost pleading, and I finally just give up and melt into him, letting him carry me up the stairs. 

I frown slightly as Ryan gets to the top of the landing and walks into my room, turning on the light with his elbow and carrying me to the bed, putting me down and pulling the messed up sheets over me. 

“Are you comfortable?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“No.” 

“Why what’s wrong?” He asks, slightly and I shrug.

“You can’t just leave me here all alone.” I say quietly and he just stands there and stares at me.

“Kara’ll beat my ass.” He makes a face and I roll my eyes.

“No she won’t, not if she doesn’t find out.” I say and he shakes his head. 

“No. No way I’m not risking that.” He says in a finalized way and I frown slightly. 

“Fine, whatever.” I sigh and sink into the mattress. It’s cold, but comfortable and I stare up at Ryan with a neutral face. 

“Do you need anything?” He asks patiently and I consider asking for him again but I ultimately just shake my head and he sits down on the mattress next to me. 

“I’ll tell you what,” he starts, and the opening line hooks me in immedietly. “If you sleep through the night I’ll be here in the morning.” He says, and when he’s done I already feel so much better. 

“Really?” I ask and he nods. 

“I’ll ask Kara if I can sleep over tonight, we’ll see what she says.” He chuckles and I nod eagerly. 

“Ok.” 

He leans forward and kisses my forehead. “Please sleep.” He mutters, and combs back my hair before standing and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him. 

He shuts the door behind him. 

And suddenly I can’t bear the thought of wood between us. 

I blink, standing up immedietly and making my way over to the door, opening it carefully and being surprised by Ryan standing right in the hallway. 

“I told you to go to sleep.” He sighs in a defeated way and I look at my feet. 

“I don’t like to be so far when we don’t have to be.” Is what I say, stepping back into my room and like I knew he would, he follows.

“Well I don’t know what you want me to do.” Ryan says quietly and I reach for his hand and pull him towards me. 

“Just stay.” I mumble and he sighs, coming closer and I fight back a smile. 

“Only if you go to bed.” He argues finally and I nod. 

“Yeah, yeah of course.” I nod repeatedly and he smiles, waiting for me to get back in bed before sitting next to me like he was two minutes ago. 

And he sings to me in the night time, he sits next to me and he touches my face while he sings this song.

And I feel like when I’m all alone Ill be able to hear it, I can hear him behind me sometimes.

“Goodnight moon, I hope the sun’ll take care of you. Like I never could.” He sings in a soft, low voice. Almost like a mutter but with passion. Affection. Love. 

It’s sad to say I think I love you.

It’s sad yet it shouldn’t be.


	15. Saturday

It’s around two in the morning when I wake up in a cold sweat and look around the room panicked. 

Cold. 

Cold and hot at the same time.

Its 2:08 when I look at the clock, realizing that it’s been a while since I’ve been asleep and that everyone is probably home by now. 

I wonder if Ryan’s here. 

I'm cold. 

I cough, deep in my throat and god damn that hurts, making me wince and fuck Ryan for being right about everything. 

I wipe my dripping nose and rip my covers off, sighing at the sweet coolness that overtakes me. My room is almost pitch black, besides a blue nightlight in the corner and don’t ask me why I have it sometimes a man’s gotta pee in the middle of the night, alright?

Shakily I stand, walking into my bathroom and turning on the light, washing my face and blowing my nose. 

I'm hot.

Fuck I feel disgusting. 

It’s as if I’ve been cursed or something, all the sudden I’m sick just like Ryan and Sisky pointed out and fuck them for making it a placebo effect. 

I’m probably not as sick as I feel. 

I shiver, too cold.

It’s probably me just being dramatic as always. 

When I exit the bathroom, I consider going back to bed but why do that when I can wander around the house and look for Ryan in order to have some emotional support? 

I still feel slightly off, a heavy head and blazing skin. It’s too much feeling right now I need someone to keep me calm and cool me down. 

Slowly and quietly I open my door, stepping out into the pitch black hallway and looking down the aisle. All five doors are closed, meaning there’s a person in each and I mentally thank god in every way I can imagine for blessing me like this. I didn’t think I deserved it yet it’s happening. I walk carefully, grateful for the socks on my feet that calm the creaky wooden planks and I make it to the end of the hall without much sound.

The air conditioning is on, it’s hot in this house and thankfully the hum of the machine blocks out my unsteady breathing and my movements. Minimal light is needed to make my way to the door, and I turn the knob carefully, whispering to myself over and over again to let it please not be locked and it finally opens, I finally step through the door and  I can see faint outlines of the furniture in the room. It's large for a guestroom, a king bed that is rarely occupied besides when Ryan stays and it's silly to think about but if I opened the dresser drawer right now his clothes would be stacked in the drawer. 

I can see Ryan’s body, a long thin lump in the sheets and I watch his chest move up and down extremely slowly. My breathing comes through my mouth because my nose is too stuffy and I close the door behind me, flicking on a diffuser in the corner that lights up dimly so that I can see where I’m going.

It’s a soft purple glow that illuminates the room, giving me barely enough sight to pad over to Ryan’s sleeping form and and cock my head while staring. He’s got his mouth open, like always. His arm thrown over the side of the bed and his one leg is folded into his knee making a triangular shape. From where I’m standing at the foot of the bed he’s on the right side, against the wall, and I shake my head. 

You can’t just do this. 

He’ll freak out. 

You should just go back to bed. 

But the thing is, I know I won’t be able to sleep if I go back to bed. I can’t just fall asleep knowing that Ryan is in the other room, an empty space next to him. I just can’t bring myself to bear it. 

I walk around to the left side and peel back the sheets, Ryan not stirring at all and I climb into the bed, pulling the sheets back up over him and I. It’s warm, immediately shifting from chilly to heated in a matter of milliseconds and I lay back on the pillow next to his and roll over on my side. It’s so hot that I’m actually surprised his body can create so much heat, it came out of nowhere and suddenly I’m worried about being too hot.

He shifts slightly, making a noise someone might compare to a soft groan, and he flips over onto his side, draping his arm across my chest and bringing his legs up behind mine. It’s silent for a few seconds, almost like he doesn’t realize I’m here next to him and I close my eyes.

“...why are you in here?” His racked voice asks suddenly, making my heart stop momentarily and causing goosebumps to form on my skin. He says this as he’s putting an arm around me, a touch meant to let me know it’s completely fine. Maybe he expected me to come here at least once, so I shouldn’t worry. His voice sounds unlike it ever has, its groggy and congested, a morning voice but halfway through the night and he sounds like a stranger but feels like my Ryan. 

“I had a bad dream.” I say shyly, sounding childish but I could argue that it’s true. I did have a bad dream. My thoughts were disturbed by sickness, Ryan, and worry. So yes, I had a bad dream. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep otherwise do naturally I came in here for the comfort I know he can always provide. 

“oh.” He says quietly, ultimately pulling me closer and I smile in the darkness, pushing back against his frame and closing my heavy eyes. 

“...wait," Ryan's voice cuts through the settled silence. "I need to set an alarm for like, 6.” Ryan murmurs, sitting up suddenly and grabbing his phone off the nightstand. 

“Make it quiet please.” I mumble and he just rubs my back with one hand while typing with the other. 

“I’ll take you back to your room don’t worry.” He mutters and I sigh to myself at the touch of his hands against my bare skin. 

“ok.” I respond, muffled by the pillow but he gets it, he’s always picking up on little clues and cues like that. He understands me, and when he doesn’t, he tries his best to learn. Ryan puts his phone down to get closer to me, wrapping his arm around me, around my chest and pulls me closer, spooning me like before.

My heart feels sore, so sore from all the sudden affection and kindness and overall sensitivity of this situation. He’s been so loving and I don’t understand why. I don’t think I want to understand why. I feel as though I’m better off not knowing how much he loves me then to be either overwhelmed or dissapointed by how much he actually does. Reality is starting to set in, I can’t do this. I really can’t. But I think it’s more of a question. Should I do this? I mean it’s already happened, and I haven’t really stolen him away from anything or anyone in particular so I don’t see the problem with us being us. There isn’t a problem. At least I hope there isn’t. 

There aren’t any more words spoken after that. I assume that means he has nothing to say, nothing to point out.

Maybe he’s fallen asleep.

Maybe this whole thing has just been pillow talk. 

But that can’t be true, it’s absurd to even think. He cares about me a lot, he just doesn’t like to show it all that much. He knows I care too, maybe a little bit too much. I think it’s a pride thing, he’s too strong headed in the way that he wants to protect himself. He’s stubborn, saying he doesn’t want a relationship. He knows he does he just hates to admit it. 

No one can be satisfied alone. Humans crave affection, we crave attention. Everyone lives off of the way others make us feel.

So I don’t know why he thinks he can do it all on his own. You can’t live your life without having at least one real relationship. He can’t possibly think he can just go around hooking up with everyone and not expect to get attached to one of them. 

When I say one of them I am referring to myself.

He’s already partially attached, I can tell.

“Close your eyes.” He mumbles and I do, feeling almost embarrassed by the fact that he knew I wasn’t trying to sleep. It’s not my fault, he’s always keeping my mind on a treadmill. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper and his hand finds my cheek and starts rubbing it gently. 

“It’s ok, you’re ok.” He mutters absentmindedly and I nod, finally laying limp and relaxed and Ryan sighs happily. 

It’s so plush and warm, everything around me. I can smell Ryan, his shampoo and his detergent and the distinct way he smells like my house, but not too much. It is such a familiar smell, such a different note then what Kara and I smell like but if you asked people would still assume he lives with us. 

He kinda does in a way. 

I don’t know why I depend on him so much. Frankly, I believe I was doing fine on my own but I guess it was a matter of time before I started to fall apart. Maybe he was sent to help me, like a guardian angel. Maybe he is a sign from god. 

Oh Jesus help me. 

I should know the second that I start ranting about angels I’ve lost my mind.  

Ryan’s fingers linger from where they’re wrapped around my chest up to my neck, pressing the skin and I make a small noise in the back of my throat. 

“Calm yourself down,” He mumbles. “You’re heart is erratic.” 

Is it really? 

I take a deep breath, trying to push away thoughts of illness, of Ryan and the never-ending worry I associate with him. I know it worries him, the delicacy of my heart. He tries his very best to distance himself for as long as he can, but we always find our way back to each other. I’d like to make a cliche comparison; opposites attract. But the thing is, our connection is like a magnet. Magnets repel each other when pushed too close, we need a healthy medium or else we’ll be pushed away forever. 

My blazing head and his freezing heart. 

His blazing head and my freezing heart. 

I can’t decide which of us is which, we’re both insane in our own ways, hopelessly devoted to each other even when we know it could go horribly wrong. 

But I suppose that’s the price you pay for love, isn’t it? This is how everyone feels? This isn’t some high school romance in my own head, this is something special, important. 

He’s the most important thing I have. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I can have, but I know that I can’t let him go even if he wants to leave. 

"Ok." I mumble, turning over from my previous position and he makes an annoyed groaning sound when his arms get pushed away. We're now facing each other, and I bury my face in his neck and curl into him, almost winding my body around his. He hums, makes a purring sound and I close my eyes and do the same. 

He smells like vanilla and pine needles. Ryan smells like Christmas and comfort and love. 

Ryan is the physical embodiment of happiness. You see him across the room and it sends a rush of carbonation through your blood. His smile can be caught from a mile away and you know it's his because there are some smiles you can't forget and Ryan's is one of them. You can't forget him once you've met him and that's one of the most tragic, beautiful things about him. You can't just hang around without falling in love. I curse myself internally for being so cliche, so sappy and love sick yet in this moment I truly do believe that he shines brighter than all the stars in the sky. I wouldn't doubt you if you told me he's god in disguise. His way, the way about him in so unlike any other person I've ever met and it's either  a blessing or a curse to fall in love with him. 

I really hope it's the ladder. 

Ryan's breathing slows, his neck pulsing sporadic beats that I can feel through my lips. 

Before I know it I'm asleep. 

 

When I open my eyes again it feels like I'm floating, hanging by a thread in the air and one gust of wind would blow me off track. I cling to the string, my eyes opening and closing repeatedly until they open fully and I see Ryan's chest pressed against my face. I feel his arms around my torso. I feel gentle thumps of his feet hitting the ground and I realize he's carrying me once again. 

'What're you-" I slur, and Ryan shushes me quietly. 

"I'm taking you back to your room." he mumbles into my ear and I go limp in his arms a second time and let him lower me onto my bed and pull the sheets over me. 

"What time's it?" I grumble and Ryan sits gingerly, brushing hot, almost damp hair out of my face. 

"The sun's comin up." is all he says, voice still wrecked from not using it and it sounds immaculate and strange. Unfamiliar yet enticing and I reach out blindly and feel for his face. 

When I feel stubble I push up, dragging my fingertips across the small expanse of his face and I open my eyes to darkness besides the sun rising behind Ryan. The sun frames the back of his head and gives him a halo, turns the color of his hair bright auburn, looking up into a tree's leaves during fall. It looks warm and visually pleasing. It looks safe. 

He's too pretty to be hurt. 

He's too pretty to be hurt by me. 

I am going to destroy him, I know I will. I'm going to try and flee before he has the chance to drop me for someone else and it'll crush him, the sudden disappearance. 

"What's the matter?" he asks hesitantly, voice small and curious. I make a humming sound and let my fingers trace the fabric of his shirt, down his bicep, his thigh. I intertwine his fingers with mine and hold them tightly. 

"I don't feel well." I mutter.

I'm not lying when I say I don't feel well; I feel terrible. I feel awful about keeping secrets from everyone and the guilt that comes along with just barely trusting Ryan enough to keep this afloat. 

His eyes are searching, lidded yet wide from the surrounding darkness and his pupils are so big and innocent. He looks so childlike, so hopeful and full of wonder. Ryan looks like he'd believe anything I tell him and more. He looks like I'm god, sitting here staring, watching, waiting. 

"It's just a virus or something like that. It'll pass, give it time and you'll be feeling better soon." When I look closely I can see the immense worry in his expression. He's fidgeting with the sheets, his fingers tangled in the cotton and his eyes flickering around my form. It's almost as though he thinks he did this to me, that it's his fault I'm ill and if something happens to me he'll be blamed without another word. 

"I know it'll go away, it just hurts." I whine, curling into his posture that's still seated relaxed to my right. My throat feels wrecked, that's true. Like I burned it from the inside out and when I breathe it stings yet I can't just use my nose since that's clogged as well. I'm completely helpless and the only thing I can do is wait it out. 

"You're ok." he hums, splaying fingers on my back to give them something to do and I feel them twitch when they make contact with my flaming skin. 

I'm burning up. 

I cough, trying to muffle it but it works poorly and Ryan watches looking miserable. 

"Hold on." Ryan stands, mumbling something about 'hyperthermia' and I try and grab his arm to make him stay but he leaves the bedside and goes into the hallway. I hear a light flick on and drawers opening and closing, the light flicking off and Ryan coming back in the room before shutting the door behind him. 

"Where'd you-" I start, but Ryan shushes me and sits back down. He grabs my jaw gingerly and opens my mouth, my eyes widening and my muscles reacting the way he wants them to.

There's plastic in my mouth now, I can taste it, it's a strange taste of nothing at all yet still uncomfortable to sit on my tongue. Ryan stares at me straight in the eyes until a soft beeping starts. I continue to gaze at his deep, glassy honey eyes as the plastic is pulled from my mouth and Ryan cradles the thermometer in his palm while squinting at it. He looks focused, determined and slightly confused. 

He's used to taking care of himself, not other people. 

I can't tell if he enjoys it or not, the partial break. I don't know if he's been over attentive because he liked having something to nurture or if he just wants to make sure I'm ok. 

"You're 101." he whispers, and I can't tell if that's good or bad by his tone but he leans forward again and presses his lips to my forehead and holds them there. 

"You're so hot, this has got to be an pneumonia." he breathes as he pulls back, brushing my hair out of my face again and I stare at him. 

I don't have a fever. 

He's lying to me. 

"N-no it's not." I laugh silently, the minute sound turning into a strained cough and Ryan stares at me incredulously. 

"Brendon do you even hear yourself?" He whispers and shakes his head, looking at the ceiling yet I don't see anything up there. 

"I'm fine." I whisper at him and the light orbs that are his eyes roll in irritation. 

"No you aren't." He starts unscrewing a tiny bottle, flicking on my bedroom light and I recognize a tiny white box in his lap. I recognize it well it's been used many times in the past but hasn't come this close to me since I was about 12. My mom was a nurse for a little bit, explains how we got disposable needles. 

Fuck that.

"Ryan n-no. Stop I don't want-" 

He holds my arm down and makes intense eye contact with me. I trust him but I don't want penicillin. 

I didn't think I needed penicillin. 

"Calm down. I know you don't want it, but you need it." he says calmly, opening the box and taking out a small needle. I don't even know why my parents have this. Kara and I stopped getting those infections and viruses a while ago. We don't need needles around the house anymore Jesus Christ.

Ryan picks it up and turns it over between his fingers and I watch his baited breath. 

If I scream someone would come running. 

I don't even know if I can scream. 

I don't know if I want someone to come. 

Do I trust him, yes. Yes of course I trust him. But I don't want him to keep trying to baby me. I'm not his child, or his responsibility. 

Let me stab myself with the goddamn shot. 

"Ryan please don't." I whimper, holding onto his bicep tightly with terrified eyes. My breathing is speeding up, wrecking my lungs more than they already are and Ryan senses this, putting down his tools and pulling me into his lap. The sheets tangle under my feet, trying to stay wrapped around me yet I want Ryan, he's much more comforting. 

"Brenny you need it." he coos, using a nickname I've never heard and I can't decide whether I like it or whether it makes me feel like a dog. 

"Fine, whatever I-" Before I can finish the sentence I sneeze loudly, covering my mouth immediately after a staying silent to make sure no one comes in to check on me. 

"Thank you." Ryan says quietly and picks up the tiny tools again. 

I bury my face in his shoulder as he sticks the needle into the small bottle and takes it out again. I feel his lips on my cheek and down my jaw kissing gently and trying to distract me. 

It doesn't work. 

His fingers grip my arm and hold it outwards, my decision of not wearing a shirt making it much more easy for him to line up the plastic. I start to hyperventilate, my throat letting out horribly pathetic whimper and whining noises, my body's initial reaction to oncoming pain. Ryan doesn't know what to do, he's trying to figure it out but he doesn't know. he sits with me and tries to sway as slowly as he can, holding my hand with his left hand and gripping my bicep with his right. I'm squirming, he isn't amused by my childish reaction yet he isn't mad or annoyed, he's just slightly frustrated. I'm behaving completely out of order, I know I shouldn't be so juvenile, so trying with him right now but I know it'll hurt and I don't want to cry in front of him again. 

I don't want him here for this. 

Thin fingers caress my knuckle and I pull back and stare at Ryan. His eyes are the darkest brown they've ever been, almost like hot chocolate in the way that they are warm and comforting they they'll burn you if you don't give it time. His eyes flicker down and he kisses me again, lips on my neck and I whine and cough slightly. 

I get overwhelmed. 

His grip gets slightly tighter, more firm and holding me in place. I dig my nose into his collar bone and spit out a harsh warning. "If you hurt me I swear to god I'll-" 

Ryan doesn't wait for me to finish before he inserts the needle slowly, a soft cry escaping my lips, my upper half flinching at the tight and painful pressure. My arm throbs and it's still in my skin as I bite Ryan's neck gingerly and he hisses in slight pain. 

"You ok?" he asks, dragging the needle out slowly and I mumble a string of curses that would put a sailor to shame. 

"Yes." I spit, trying to stay as quiet as I can and Ryan discards the needle, his hand coming up to pet my hair affectionately. I lean into him and whimper, my arm still burning with buzzing heat and he hums quietly. 

"See? It wasn't that bad. You did so well I'm proud of you." he mumbles, wrapping his arms around me and I curl into his form, squeezing my eyes shut and breathing heavily through my mouth. 

"You could've just given me like, Advil or something." I choke out and Ryan shakes his head. 

"Advil wouldn't work. Besides, penicillin is going to work so much better." he explains gently and I raise my head to face him, our lips so close yet he just sits there and stares at me like a confused toddler. 

"How'd you know that?" I mutter, brushing my nose against his cheek and it's getting more rare by the day for him to shiver at my touch. Not that it doesn't effect him anymore, it does. It just gets less surprising for me to want to touch him.

"I've gotten sick before." he chuckles softly, turning out the light but it makes no difference because the sun is halfway up by now. 

"Yeah but then you would know about cough medicine." I say bitterly and Ryan laughs in amusement, playing with my hair absentmindedly. 

"You know that wouldn't have helped as much Bren." He says softly and kisses my forehead.

Everything's so uncomfortable right now. I feel clogged up, my entire body stuffed with nastiness and I hate it, it's horrible. 

It feels like I've got one foot in the grave and it's only the first day. 

Thank god I'm not delirious with Ryan here, that would be a total  _disaster._ If I was feverish and spilling secrets, clinging to him like a child in a shopping mall. 

That'd be terrible. 

"O-ok." I stutter out, simple words seeming like the only things I can say lately. 

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Ryan asks softly and the funny thing is I had completely forgotten about how tired I was ever since Ryan sat down on my bed. 

"Y-yeah." I say, a yawn cutting through the syllable and Ryan chuckles, his arms slipping back and I lay down in the sheets again, pulling them up with a wince. 

"Go back to bed." Ryan whispers, slender fingers reaching out and stroking my cheek, my hair, and I nod and close my eyes. If he wants me to sleep, I'll sleep. Anything for him, I'd do anything for him.

I don't answer him however, I let my breathing stutter for a moment until letting it be rhythmic. I wait until the bed shifts, a sudden rise of the mattress that indicates Ryan has gotten up. Only when he turns away do I open my eyes only slightly, watching him leave. I see his darkened eyes casting over my form once more before slowly and carefully closing the door. A long moment passes before I finally hear retreating footsteps. 

A long moment passes until he finally walks away. 

He takes a moment before he can bring himself to leave me.

I hear his door click shut and I immediately lose consciousness. 

 

 


	16. Saturday (cont.)

My feet drag along the carpeted hallway almost as much as the leg of my pants do. They're too big on me, long blue drawstring pajama pants that belonged to Matt and Mason before being passed down to me. They're tall, built, strong. I'm well...me. I sniff, my nose runny instead of clogged this time and rattle the door to the hall bathroom. 

"Kara c'mon I gotta piss." I whine. my voice hoarse and ragged. My hands are stuffed into the pockets of my pants and I crack my neck by leaning it side to side and sighing heavily. The door opens, and bright light floods into the already well lit hall. I blink in irritation, my face stuck in a sullen pouting expression and Ryan walks out in a towel. 

Well fuck. 

I blink again, eyes sweeping over him and he stands there looking at me expectantly. 

"Sorry." He says clearly, teetering on his feet nervously and I stare at his taut stomach in fascination. His hair is wet, hanging on his shoulders and dripping down his chest and arms. I hold my breath, watching his muscles flex in tension of the situation and for a brief moment I think he might be doing it on purpose. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and the towel slips on his waist and drags a littler farther down then it had been originally positioned in a G rated area. 

"It's s'ok." I mutter, eyes trailing back up to his face and he smiles sheepishly. He's blushing slightly, but there's a knowing smirk on his face that I want to wipe off with my mouth. 

"You wanna...get out of the way?" he asks lightly, his tone teasing and hot blush rushes over my face and I step back immediately. If he had erased the last part of that sentence I could've rewritten it much better. 

"Yeah, right. Sorry." I spit out, coughing, and he walks by and continues up the hall and into the guestroom. My eyes follow him longingly, watching him disappear and the door closing, wood separating me from him. Two inches of solid material that separates me from him and I want to break it down and have him exposed to me. 

When my feet carry me to the sink I wash my face, ruffling my day old hair that's slightly oily from tossing and turning in worn sheets. I should feel dirtier than I do, I should feel disgusting. But besides my head throbbing and my throat feeling like a cat’s tried to claw its way out of it, I feel decent. Maybe it’s the penicillin, maybe I’m healing on my own. 

Maybe it was the penicillin, but I don’t know if I want to accept Ryan’s aid just yet. It was pathetic, my behavior last night, I turn on the shower head and decide to take a shower, shaking my hair out with an irritated frown. I was being such a wimp, a pathetic little child and Ryan had to deal with it almost all night. I vividly remember whimpering and whining about how much it hurt, and how much "pain" I was in. 

I scoff in distaste of my own dumb behavior, stripping quickly and stepping into the shower that's already warmed up from previous use and I sigh at the feeling. Warm wet droplets of water trickle down my back and I lean against the wall, my head feeling fuzzy. My arm still slightly hurts, the muscle aching when I move it up and down to wash myself with the pine and carageen scented body wash Kara always wants to get. It's expensive, self preserving vegan shit but damn it smells good. Throughout the day you can smell it on yourself, the notes that remind you of wintertime and good memories. Sunlight reflects off the glass of the shower door and sends rainbows across my skin, light pastel colors that I would have never seen if I hadn't taken a shower at one in the afternoon. It's calming, peaceful, and I want to hum to myself, maybe sing to attract someone's attention but I can barely talk and I don't want to fuck myself over more than I already am. 

I turn up the temperature of the water, droplets now a bit more painful but it feels so good, so soothing and stretching my muscles and hydrating my skin better than cold water would. It'll turn my paled skin red, making it look as hot as it feels. I don't know if my temperature went down, I don't know where Ryan put the thermometer and I don't know whether or not I should tell my mom I have an pneumonia. I've always been so high functioning, a chest infection would screw up my ways of life and stress out my family. I don't have time to be sick, we don't have the luxury of being able to deal with such inconveniences. I wash my face and my hair, using all of Kara's products because the beauty industry doesn't care about men and her shampoo is much healthier. It smells better too, like a girl, and though I'd prefer not to remind people of a woman it doesn't hurt to remind them of apples and clover.  

When I gingerly step onto the bathmat and twist the faucet off shivers cover my body. I reach for a towel and yank one of the wall hanger and wrap it around myself like a cape of some sort. it covers me, completely, but provides more warmth then Ryan's around the waist attempt. My eyes close and I exhale, rubbing my hair vigorously and huffing at my reflection in the mirror. I don't know what Ryan sees in this boy. What I see is a scrawny teenage boy with medium length dark brown hair and big black puppy dog eyes. I see little to no muscle, bushy eyebrows and thin limbs. I just don’t get it, honestly. Ryan’s this beautiful, mature and wise...man. I'm me, a lanky and incompetent freshman with a fat crush on a junior. 

The self consciousness starts eating me alive and I stare at myself a second more, finding imperfection after imperfection before tearing my eyes away from the lying mirror and swinging open the door almost angrily. 

Fuck the mirror.

Fuck my sore throat. 

When I step into the hallway Ryan's already there, taking a surprised step back at my sudden resurgence out of the bathroom. 

"Well good morning." he smiles. 

"Technically its the afternoon." I correct him and he chuckles in an amused way. 

"How're you feeling?" He asks, tilting his head and I shrug. 

"Fine, better." I say absentmindedly and he gives me a concerned look. 

"What still hurts?” He asks. His tone is drained as well, crackly and sounding older then he is. 

“It’s mostly just my throat but I’ll be fine.” I croak. 

Ryan takes a step forward and I a step back, still in my towel of course and he looks slightly hurt. 

“What?” He asks quietly and I look down at myself and then back to him, raising an eyebrow. Ryan blushes and steps back immedietly. 

“Oh! Right, sorry...” He laughs nervously and plays with the string on his sweatshirt before brushing past me and stumbling downstairs. 

I watch him go, the way he shakes his head to himself and ruffles it quickly with one hand. I watch the way he squeezes his eyes shut and laughs almost silently at his own behavior and I wonder what about that interaction he finds so endlessly amusing.  

I slump into my room and press the play button on my turn table, watching the needle lift and wander over to the record that's been sitting on the plate for the past three days. Once the needle drops a loud boom of bass comes from the speakers on my window sills and _Sargent Peppers_ starts blasting throughout the room. 

Ryan's voice lifts from downstairs, singing along and I fail to fight the pathetic grin that overtakes my face. 

"Sargent Pepper's lonely hearts club band!" Ryan shouts and I hear Kara laughing. 

I get dressed slowly and sluggishly. I don't feel like myself for some reason. I feel like a battery that's almost drained, working with the amount that it has yet there's barely anything left. My clothes feel too heavy, sweatpants dragging behind me and a blue shirt that's laying on the ground. I stick my head into the hallway and weakly call out "...Mom?" 

It's silent, and I wait a few seconds before calling out again. "Mom?!" my voice is strangled, sounding  _so_ unlike my normal voice so I wouldn't be surprised if she comes running to my room with a baseball bat. 

I huff, coughing on the exhale and wheezing for a good ten seconds before walking out into the hallway with bare feet and shivering. "Mo-" 

"-Mom's at a brunch banquet what do you need?!" Kara screams from the kitchen and I sigh heavily, clangs and clinks luring me to the first floor. 

"I'm sick." I say as I walk down the stairs and make a right into the kitchen. 

"Woah, no shit." she says lightly, looking me over quickly. Her eyes scan over my body and land on my face. "You look like death." 

"I think being dead would be better than-" My words are cut off by a round of deep, crackling coughs. I can feel the mucus breaking apart and surging into my throat but I suck it back in to avoid being disgusting and spitting it in the sink. 

"Oh Brenny..." Kara coos gently, quickly moving over to me from where she was positioned at the stove and she feels my forehead with her hand. 

"I know I'm burning up." I say, moving away from her because I know that her hand won't even pick up just how hot my skin in. Ryan knew what he was doing. I look over at him from where he's sitting at the island drinking a glass of orange juice. his eyes are worried, wide and glassy in a way and I stare at him until Kara reaches for my wrist. Her eyes study my face, my forehead and my clothes. Lips upturn like she knows something I don't and I cough slightly, raising an eyebrow. 

"Why are you wearing Ryan's shirt?" she asks quizzically and my face turns  _white,_ I can feel the blood rushing from it I know it's white. Frantically I look down and yes, it seems the blue shirt I pulled on says _Bishop Gorman_ in gold letters. 

"I-I uh, must've just found it. After laundry or...or something." I trail off, wishing I wounded just a little bit more persuasive but Kara shrugs anyways. 

"Oh alright." she looks at her phone and goes through her messages and I don't look at the boy across the room. 

Not one glance. 

I know where he is, sitting there with his legs tangled in the chair's legs that he's perched on. Putting down his orange juice with a clink and wiping his face from almost choking at Kara's observation. I know what he's doing I don't have to look. 

"Mom won't be home until dinner..." Kara trails off, showing me her phone. There's texts from my mom that indeed say that she'll be gone for the rest of the day and I stare at her in dismay. 

"Can you call her and ask what to do? I mean-" 

"-Kara can you get the thermometer from the hall bathroom?" Ryan speaks up suddenly, cutting me off and I stare at him with an expression somewhere between astonishment and warning. When we make eye contact for the first time, his posture tenses and he sits straighter, more alert. He tilts his head at me slightly, hair falling in his eyes and his lips pulled together tightly. 

"Why?" she asks, sounding dumber then she really is and Ryan rolls his eyes, looking between Kara and I and playing two different parts. Two different Ryans for two different Uries. 

"-Because, you need to see whether or not it's a high fever or not. Or you know, whatever he has." Ryan specifies almost vaguely and Kara nods. 

"Yeah. Shit you're right, I'm so stupid ok I'll be right back!" she exclaims, caressing my face affectionately before running up the stairs. 

The second she's gone Ryan jumps up out of his chair like he's been waiting for it and walks over, holding my face between his two hands and turning my head from side to side. "...Poor thing." he murmurs and my cheeks burn though I doubt it makes a difference in regards to my general body heat. 

"I-It's not a big deal. People get sick." I mumble because whispering hurts too much and Ryan shakes his head, his eyebrows knitting together making her worrisome expression all the more concerned. 

"Yeah but I don't like seeing you sick." he breathes and I blink. 

"I'll be fine." I assure him, breathing nervous and rushed yet it's being restricted by the tightness of my chest.  

"I know you will, but it's still upsetting." 

Upsetting, really? 

"Calm down there dad." I chuckle, wheezing more than laughing and Ryan's expression wilts.

"Look at you..." he coos, looking the way he did last night and I haven't even stopped to think that he might feel guilty about this. I can't imagine why, this is literally just a bacterial infection that will diminish over the next couple of days I don't understand why he doesn't just get over it. He isn't even the one that's sick. 

"It's fine Ryan. Seriously," I cup his cheek in my palm and let my eyes flicker over his face. 

"Ok. Ok, it's ok-" he starts to repeat but Kara comes scrambling down the stairs and into the kitchen. My fingers fly away from his skin and his eyes follow my digits as they sweep away from his jaw. 

It feels like someone's tearing off my arm. 

Kara whirls around the banister with the same stick of plastic from last night and tells me to open my mouth. I obey, my eyes on Ryan the whole time and he studies me calculatedly. I wonder what he sees. I want to know what he's thinking about right now. 

"Say ahhhh!" Kara sings, chuckling to herself and I roll my eyes and let my tongue stick out. 

"Ahhhh." I sing just to humor her and she cups my face with her hand. 

"You're so sweaty, Jesus." she hums and the thermometer beeps gently. She takes it out of my mouth and I close my lips, licking my teeth and trying to get the taste out. 

“100,” Ryan says while looking over her shoulder. “It’s better.” 

Kara turns around with a confused expression. “What do you mean better?” 

I tense up immedietly and look at Ryan with what I hope is a desperate look. 

“I just mean that he looked like shit yesterday, it could’ve been higher.” Ryan tries to explain, picking his words carefully but still sounding calm instead of cautious. 

“Oh, yeah I get it.” Kara agrees, turning and looking me over quickly with steady eyes. 

“Thanks.” I say quietly, nodding to Kara and she smiles slightly.

“I think you should go back up to bed.” She says, holding onto my arm and pulling me towards the hallway. It’s more of a lead, gently nudging me towards the staircase. 

“I-I’m not tired.” I say immediately, trying to fall back and she gives me a pleading look. 

“C’mon, don’t make me call mom.” She says pointedly and I glare at her. 

“Do it you won’t.” I retort and she reaches into her pocket and gets out her phone. 

“I will.” She replies dangerously and I lower my eyes at her. 

“Kara cmon I’ll be fine just-“ 

“-I think you should get some sleep.” Ryan cuts in from behind me and I look over my shoulder and shoot daggers at him. 

“Ryan!” I whine, not caring how obvious that might seem. He simply raises an eyebrow at me and looks at Kara. 

“I think he should rest.” Ryan repeats, and fuck him for taking Kara’s side. I feel like a fucking toddler that they have to take care of and it’s so demeaning. I’m not their responsibility or anything like that. 

"I-don't take her side!" I exclaim, my voice breaking dramatically and Kara stifles a laugh. 

"Chill out, calm down." Ryan's hand lands on my shoulder and it feels almost like a firework under my skin. I send him a look that says 'stop no don't touch me are you crazy?' and he immediately takes his hand away. 

"How about you sleep for a couple of hours and I'll wake you up in a bit? Can we compromise?" Kara asks gently and I roll my eyes. 

"Stop treating me like a baby I can-" A sneeze cuts me off and I take a deep inhale before continuing. "I can take care of myself from here on out." 

Kara stares at me. "I know you can take care of yourself but sometimes it's nice to have someone do it for you. Don't you think?" 

No. 

"No." I say sternly and she looks at Ryan helplessly. 

"I can do this with him do you want to take over?" she asks, crossing her arms and looking from Ryan to me. 

What the fuck Kara? 

It's like she's trying to plot my demise. You can't just project Ryan onto me, give him permission to _take over_ and not expect him or I to fuck our plan up. 

"I...I guess." Ryan looks at me meekly and I give him the most irritated glare I can. 

"Ok. I'm gonna finish the pancakes and when you come down he better be asleep." she laughs, patting Ryan's back and I'm honestly at a loss of words for how much she's trusting him. Trusting me. I'm sure she wouldn't be sending Ryan and me up to my room alone if she knew I've touched his dick. 

"alright." Ryan says in a voice so quiet it's almost overpowered by the sizzling of the stove top. 

I stare at him in astonishment as he grabs my wrist and gently tugs me farther down the hall and to the bottom of the stairs. he can't possibly be serious, there's  _no way_ he's gonna take me up to my room and fucking tuck me in or some degrading shit like that. 

"Ryan." I whisper in a hushed tone and look up to see him staring ahead and climbing the stairs. 

"Ryan!" I say, a little louder now and he chuckles and looks down at me. 

"What?" 

I follow him into my room and he stares at my messed up sheets before starting to fix them out of habit. It looks like someone was almost kidnapped, the way that the sheets are twisted together and falling off the side. Like I had fought someone off in my sleep. It's embarrassing. 

"I...nevermind." I mumble, watching him intently. His sweatshirt swamps him, huge and hanging on his frame like the bed sheets he's fixing. He's got on a pair of old grey sweatpants that look like mine yet they hang off his nonexistent hips in a way that mine don't.

"My shirt, huh?" Ryan says absentmindedly, but there's a teasing undertone that's hard to miss and I simply tug the garment off and let it drop to the floor. Ryan's eyes follow it and I look at him with something I hope he perceives as helpless want. That's what I'm aiming for, anyway. 

"It was accidental." I mumble, striding over to him and he backs up against my made bed and catches my hands before they can reach the fabric of his sweatshirt. 

"No no no..." he stutters out, my limbs going limp and I stare at him in confused disappointment. 

"W-what?" I ask, leaning into him and he leans back. 

"You're sick Bren." he whispers, looking at me apologetically and I get it, alright. I wriggle out of his grip and take two steps back, looking at the floor in embarrassment. 

"I'm sorry, I should've known." I mutter, eyes staying on the carpet and I see Ryan's feet come closer. I feel a hand in my hair and he leans his forehead on my bare shoulder, kissing the skin gently and I freeze up. 

"It's alright, you're fine it's fine." he coos maternally and I nod in an attempt to reassure myself. 

"Yeah, yeah ok." I mumble, looking up at him and he smiles warmly. 

"Will you go to bed now?" He asks and I make a whiny sound. 

"I just woke up." is what I use for my argument and Ryan just rolls his eyes. 

"But you need rest in order for your body to put itself back together." he says sternly and I lower my eyes at him in a devilish glare. 

"Ok fine, whatever." I grumble, getting under the sheets and turning out the light. Ryan looks over and tuts, fighting back a grin and closing my curtains, dimming the room an now it's almost in total darkness. 

"Goodnight." Ryan says in a sing song voice and I chuckle light, covering my face so he can't see the amusement in my eyes. 

"Goodnight." I murmur, Ryan leaning down and kissing my forehead gently, letting his fingers run through my hair and down my cheek before he smiles softly and genuinely. I watch his feet turn and he walks out of the room, closing the door quietly and only when I hear his feet pad downstairs is when I pull the sheets away and creep to the door, opening it slower then physically possible and tentative steps take me into the hallway and to the top of the staircase. 

I don't want to sleep just yet. If there's a conversation between Ryan and Kara that's in earshot I want to listen to it. 

I sit down on the top step, sniffing into my arm so it doesn't make as much noise and I lean against the wall for support. 

"So you really think he likes you?" I hear Kara ask in her loud ass voice. I quirk an eyebrow and try to breathe in but end up stifling a cough in my hand and concentrating on being quiet.

"Yeah I mean, he's always smiling and laughing so it's safe to say he enjoys my company." Ryan says pointedly, his smooth raspy voice echoing off the quiet walls. 

"Well that's good. I was really fuckin worried he wouldn't like you Ry." Kara sighs, sounding relieved. 

"Why wouldn't he have liked me?" Ryan inquires and there's a patch of silence before Kara plants her next words carefully. 

"Just everything from the last two years. I don't think you gave yourself a very good name." She says nervously, and there's clinking of dishes and glasses before Ryan speaks again. 

"I know." he sighs eventually. "To be completely honest," his voice lowers and I have to lean forward over the next step to hear him. "I thought Brendon hated me." 

I blink, staring down the staircase at a family picture. Kara and Kyla are smiling, my brothers behind me and I'm next to Kara with a big grin. Me, hate Ryan? Maybe before getting to know him. I guess he was right to an extent. I hated him a little bit, I had a grudge sure but grudges aren't forever? 

I'll spend the rest of forever trying to make it up to him. 

I'd relive the past two years over and over again if I could, find some way to fix it, find some way to get to him. I'd change things for the better. 

I don't know what I'd do without him. 

"What do you mean hated you?" Kara laughs uncertainly and Ryan does one of his huge sighs. The kind when his chest puffs out and his shoulders rise and sink with the air. 

"I literally thought he hated me. Like I tried, you know? I tried to be friendly and cautious but he never took to it until this year. I'm really glad he did he's a great kid." 

Hearing Ryan talk about me like this is odd. It's very odd. I can't stop my cheeks from heating up at the sound of his voice so gentle and calm, the words he's speaking like honey dripping in my ears but it hurts. It's bitter in the sense that I never wanted to cause him that kind of pain, or make him feel hopelessly uncomfortable or shut out. I just thought I was his best friend's younger sibling, you know? He has no reason to care for me so the fact that he does is a stab in the chest I wasn't able to brace myself for. 

"Did Brendon ever mention anything about his sexuality?" Kara asks out of the fucking blue and I almost stand up and burst into the kitchen. How dare she tell him that if he doesn't ask! I can't believe she'd take that kind of opportunity from me. It's my decision to come out, when and where and if she tells Ryan-

Wait. 

Ryan already knows I'm not straight. 

My stomach settles and I calm down, breathing stuttered but the feeling still stuck in my gut won't go away. 

"Uh, no." Ryan lies through his teeth and I clap a hand over my mouth to stop from laughing at the fucking  _tone_ he uses. 

"I think he's gay Ryan." Kara says in a worried voice and there;'s another string of quiet that followers her statement. 

"That's great." Ryan says enthusiastically and I stifle another giggle at the irony of this situation. 

"Yeah I mean it's fantastic..." Kara starts, trailing off. "But I'm worried about him. He's always been faint of heart," 

_This_ I object to. 

Me? Faint of heart? 

I shake my head at the false accuasation and keep listening. 

"You have to have a certain amount of strength to come out Kara, he'll do it if and when he's ever ready." 

Fucking hell I love this boy. 

"Could you tell?" Kara asks and I can literally picture Ryan shaking his head and looking at the table top. 

"Not really. He got with a girl the other day so even if I had a sneaking suspicion it got shot down." 

When Ryan brings up "the girl", I cough out a laugh, covering my mouth and trying to make it sound like I'm still in my room. Kara replies instantly, which relieves me almost immediately because I know they didn't really hear. 

"Maybe he's bi, he mentioned that I think." Kara is probably biting her nails, looking at Ryan with our matching doe eyes with worry and he's most likely smiling with a supportive hand on hers. 

"Just make sure whatever he is, he's happy." Ryan concludes but by Kara's tone I can tell she isn't finished. She's got too many questions, she's too ill informed on the topic and it scares her shitless. 

"What if he gets a crush on you?!" Kara whispers, panicked. 

Too late bitch. 

"I highly doubt that." Ryan retorts with a chuckle but it's strained. 

He wants to tell her so badly. 

"Really? he hasn't seemed like it at all?" Kara asks and I lean against the wall again, closing my eyes. 

"No Kara. If he did he would've had plenty opportunities to act on it." his argument is pretty solid, and Kara hums in response. 

"Yeah that makes sense." she murmurs. "Ok, ok so it's fine." 

"Well even if he ever did like me it would be fine?" The end of Ryan's sentence sounds like a question, higher pitched and nervous.

"I...I don't know..." Kara trails off, her tone low. "it would be like...cute and all. But, if it ended badly I don't know what we'd do..." 

I don't think I can breathe. 

I don't know if I want to hear any more. 

I don't know if this makes me guilty or worried. 

"It...I doubt it would end badly." Ryan says lightly and Kara laughs in a fake way. 

"I'd hope it wouldn't." She says quietly, meekly. 

"It wouldn't." Ryan says in an almost happy way, and dishes start clinking again. I stand on shaky feet, muffling another cough and walking back into my bedroom as quietly as I can.

I just can't help but think. 

How the fuck are we going to pull this off?

 

 


	17. Monday

"Love is a very, splendid thing! Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!" Ryan exclaims enthusiastically, Twirling around Keltie on the stage and her eyes follow him calculatedly. 

"Please don't start that again." She snaps in a firm tone and Ryan cocks an eyebrow at her. I sit watching in the second row of the auditorium, half of the cast still here to go over certain numbers without having the rest of the ensemble to bother us. 

It's December thirteenth.

We’ve been at this for about a month and a half, the musical. I watch him closely, the way his hands gesture and the way his lips move as he talks and sings, mimes what Keltie says in return to help him remember. We’ve also been at “this” for the same amount of time. 

Ryan's eyes flicker over to mine and I raise an eyebrow, either trying to get a reaction or trying to encourage him to say his next line. 

He doesn't though. 

He tears his eyes away from mine and faces Keltie again, clearing his throat as if he's going to say something, and then looks at the floor and blows out the air he's been holding in his mouth. It's silent, everyone watching and waiting for him to start the song but Ryan looks lost and confused, staring at the space in front of him with an expression that suggests he's lost in thought. A few seconds go by and he kicks the ground in a defeated way. 

"...Line?" He calls out weakly and I blush furiously, hiding my face in one of the sleeves of my sweatshirt and shaking my head. 

"All you need is-" Mr. Leeds offers in a tone somewhere between wanting to hug or strangle Ryan. Half patient, half annoyed but if I was him I'd be pissed. Ryan's been immensely distracted the past few days and has been forgetting lines, lyrics, and staging he's known for the past two months. 

Nothing has changed though, there's nothing that I could say that would explain why a switch has been flicked in his head and all the sudden he's stumbling over his words and his feet and casting worried glances to Mr Leeds every time he does so. I've never seen him like this ever and it's painful to watch. We've been the same, making out in between breaks at rehearsal and rolling around on my bed while "going over lines" with Kara downstairs. 

Nothing's changed, we are the same. 

Maybe that's the problem? I lean back in my chair and watch him start to sing again, belting the words perfectly and the rest of the cast lets out a breath I could feel them holding in. 

"I was made for loving you baby you were made for loving me." He sings, smile apparent but it looks tentative, cautious.

"The only way of loving me baby is to pay a lovely fee." Keltie purrs, long tanned legs sticking out from lilac colored soffe shorts. My eyes trace her frame and yeah, she's cute. She looks mature for our age, like she should already be having kids or something. Ryan and I look like our age, maybe Ryan a little older but we have smooth features and soft eyes. Hers are sharp and seductive and just... _mature._

I don't know how to explain it. She's this gorgeous, developed, beautiful girl and I'm me. 

Why would Ryan choose me? 

I mean, I am a guy for one. But there are other guys. One's with stubble and sharp features and eyes like Keltie's. Bright and experienced and knowledgeable. 

And then there's me. 

"Just one night, just one night." He pleads, voice raspy and high in the best way possible. Light and warm and begging. 

Keltie shakes her head and struts away from him, crossing her arms with a small smirk. "There's no way if you can't pay-" she likes having Ryan chasing after her, I can tell. Even if it's fake she adores it. Anyone would love to have him after them. The thing about Ryan though, is he doesn't chase. He lets people come to him and then once he knows they're his he takes them all to himself. 

"-In the name of love! Just one night in the name of love." he exclaims desperately, his throat hollowing and making the sound deeper and more commanding, loud and intense and Keltie looks over her shoulder and sneers. 

"You crazy fool, I won't give in to you." 

"Don't, leave me this way. I can't survive, without your sweet love, oh baby." Ryan hangs his head and exhales tiredly. "Don't leave me this way." the sentence is small in sound and gentle in tone. The words and octave higher then they would be normally in his speaking voice and as I'm watching his curls flounce to the ground he looks up, eagerly turning towards Mr Leeds. 

"Great job!" he claps once and walks up the stairs to the stage, patting Ryan on the back. "We're gonna save Silly Love Songs for a private rehearsal tomorrow so I think that'll be all for today. Everyone did amazing have a great night and get some sleep!" he commands, picking up sheets with paint all over them that had been thrown around by Keltie in the middle of a fake fit. 

I stand up, stretching my knobbly legs and shaking out my hair while grabbing my backpack off the floor. I look up, expecting to see Ryan walking down the ramp with a smile but I don't. He's still on stage, facing Keltie who's dark eyes are wide and hopeful, her hand around his arm. Green polished fingernails wrapping over the curve of his wrist. 

It's pathetic, really. Her attempts to seduce him. I mean, I thought everyone knew Ryan was gay. It seems she hasn't gotten the memo. 

Silly girl, dumb slut. 

He's supposed to be mine for the taking.

He already  _is_ mine for the taking. He's taken. 

"Hey, Brendon!" her voice comes from the stage and my eyes fly from my shoes to her smiling face. Straight, white teeth between glossy lips. 

"Yeah?" I call, voice strained and I let my peripheral vision pick up a flash of concern in Ryan's face. 

"C'mere!" the fingers that were wrapped around Ryan beckon me relentlessly, a green arrow leading to her and I follow. With a sigh I let my feet carry me up to her. 

"What's up?" I ask, trying to sound even remotely interested in what she has to say because I have to like her and she has to like me because she's a junior. 

"So Ryan and I are going to be going over some songs together that your character is around for," She looks at me intently and I cough into my sleeve and nod. 

"Yeah?" 

"I wanted to know if you wanted to be around for it or if you can stick to school rehearsals without needing any extra." she asks in an almost caring way but I force myself not to trust it. 

"Oh that's really...nice. But uh, Ryan and I have already been rehearsing together on our own. Thanks though." I add, trying to be cordial and looking to Ryan for reassurance and he nods. 

"Yeah I was just about to tell you that." he turns to Keltie and makes an apologetic expression with wide, sad eyes and she stares at him for a fraction too long before chuckling lightly and nodding. 

"Alright then! Good job you two I was wondering if I'd need to keep you in check." her tone is playful, almost knowing and I nod and smile in response. 

What a bitch. 

"No need for that." Ryan laughs, taking a few steps towards me and once we're side by side, it feels almost like a standoff. Ryan and I against the world, against Keltie at least. 

The presence of Ryan's stature beside me is calming and cool. It keeps me level headed, makes me feel defended and protected and I think he knows that. Ryan knows what he does to me, what he does to help me and this is just that. 

Keltie's eyes follow Ryan's hand as it makes it's way to my lower back, making me freeze up. "Good for you guys! I'll see you tomorrow!" she smiles a fake, tony award winning grin and flicks her hair behind her ear before waving gently and walking away. 

I step away from Ryan and the pressure of his hand disappears. "What was that?" 

"Just Keltie being nice." he says defensively, taking her side. Since when was he on her side?

Since when were there sides in the first place?

"Oh." I mumble dismissively, looking away from him and fixing my bag so it doesn't fall off my shoulder. 

"What's wrong? You seem off." Ryan leans over at an awkward angle so that he's in my line of vision and I stare at him with disapproval. 

"I could say the same about you." I snap back, but the tone is hushed and under my breath. 

"What are you talking about?" He asks in an equally down to earth voice and I just shake my head and start to walk down the ramp and up the exit of the auditorium. I can hear Ryan mumbling goodbyes, the flaps of paper; him getting his scripts together, and the clink of his button covered backpack. 

I'm halfway out the auditorium doors when slender fingers wrap around my shoulder. "Hey." 

"I'm sorry." I say immediately, spinning around and kissing him passionately. He reciprocates immediately and pushes back, hands sliding into my hair and I pull him closer before quickly pulling away and detaching myself from his frame. 

"We're inside, right, shit." Ryan breathes, wiping his face and forcing me through the doorway and into the cold air of the night. The sun is down and has been for a while, darkness enveloping us and I can just barely see the scatter of stars that dust the sky. Ryan's car is in the far lot which means we have a seven minute walk all the way there and I bury my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt and lean against his build for comfort. 

"You seem so distracted lately, what have you got on your mind?" I ask, deciding my arm would be much warmer linked with his and that's what I do, leaning my head on his shoulder as we walk. 

"I don't know. I've felt weird for a few days it's been shitty." he says quietly and I let my eyes scan his face for any sort of contortion that would lead me to a conclusion of how he's really feeling. 

"Feeling weird has never prevented you from remembering the Elephant Love Medley." I give him a look that suggests I know what's up with him and he looks at me with puppy eyes that I don't think he's meaning to make.

"I know I feel so bad, everything has just been so jumbled up. I mean, George has been up my ass more than usual and it's been tough at home." He speaks quietly and I hold his hand gently. 

"I'm sorry, why didn't you tell me about it?"

Really, why didn't you? 

Why wouldn't you tell me about something like that? 

I can't believe him. 

"I didn't want to bother you with any of that." he mumbles, his hand loosening it's grip and I squeeze the limb affectionately. 

"You'd never be bothering me Ryan. Never." I say carefully, but deep inside I want to scream in his face 'why don't you trust me the way I trust you?!'

"I'd love to believe that, but I know you're struggling right now and me adding on my issues won't help." I stop walking, my fingers loosening and he stumbles a few steps forward before turning around to face me, the expression starting to grace his face telling me he knows he fucked up with that one. 

"Shit I, I didn't mean to say it like that." he says immediately and I scoff. 

"You said exactly what you wanted to say." a mumble slips out of my mouth and I look at my shoes, kicking the cement under my soles angrily. 

I'm not angry. No, not in the slightest. I know what he was trying to say and I appreciate it regardless. 

He cares about me too much to let me into his life  that much.  

"Brendon," he says quietly, gently, taking a step back and grabbing both of my hands. I raise my head to look at him and he's got this dumb, weak grin on his face that I can't help but melt at the sight of. 

"I just don't wanna make any of this hard for you." Ryan tries to explain and I nod, I stare up at him with big dark eyes and I nod obediently without saying anything. My words are eating at my closed mouth, trying to wiggle their way out and start and argument with him, try and get him to open up more but I know that it won't work out for either of us in the long run. If he wants to hide I can't grab him by the ankles and pull him out of his little cave. I just can't do that to him. 

I care about him too much. 

“Let me know you understand.” He pleads intently and it doesn’t show too much, his desperateness.

But I know it’s there.

“I understand.” A whisper that doesn’t sound like it came from my lips forms in the air and he nods, hair falling into his face oh so gracelessly but with the same beauty he carries with him throughout everything he does. 

“Ok good. Good. So good for me.” He repeats under his breath, doing the thing he does and I watch him whip himself back into shape, back into smiling Ryan. Back into functioning Ryan, A+ student Ryan, A+ son Ryan, and A+ lover Ryan. 

But that’s not Ryan. 

I tear my eyes away from him, blindly reaching for the hand that’s been dropped by mine carelessly and I grasp it again, sighing in overwhelming relief that it was there waiting for me. 

I hope I haven’t fucked this up yet. 

The rest of the car ride is dismal, quiet, and dark. The radio is uninspired, playing the same track that’s been on the top 15 for the past week and a half and I just want something old, something new I don’t care just as long as it’s not this sub par bullshit we’ve been forced to endure for the past week and a half. 

Our hands touch, for that twenty three minute car ride. My palm under Ryan’s, his on top of mine resting on the middle console; our fingers intertwined. His skin is dry, rough and worn and not taken care of. His face is slightly scruffy, hair the usual tangle of locks but looking more unkept. I pretend I don’t notice the slight differences in his appearance but they’re there, he’s here and he looks different but I don’t mind too much as long as he’s happy. Kara has been spending more time with Mark or whatever his name is, Ryan has been spending more time with me. Everyone is happy. 

Ryan pulls into my driveway and I look through curtained windows to see if anyone’s peering out of them before leaning over the console and kissing him passionately, taking him by surprise. Ryan inhales quickly and tries to react accordingly yet I slightly climb on top of him, keeping a hand on his chest and one on the back of his head, holding him close yet still pushing him away and his limbs wrap around my waist, cupping my jaw and his thumb gently rubbing the patch of skin where sideburns should be but aren’t. 

“Calm down.” He chuckles, taking a big breath of air as I sink down to kiss his jaw. 

“I don’t want to.” I hear myself respond and Ryan’s breathy laugh is what follows my daring statement. His hands find my cheeks and pull me back up for another kiss and I accept it gratefully, tilting my head from side to side and letting my tongue explore his mouth. 

“You should get inside.” Ryan pants after about five minutes of fucking around and I roll my eyes, kissing him one last time and as I’m climbing out of the passenger side he grabs my upper arm with a smirk and yanks me back in for another wet kiss. 

“Thank you for caring about me, I appreciate it.” He smiles, a full on grin that paints a happy picture for me and I nod, trying not to awknowledge the warm feeling filling up my stomach. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, have a good sleep.” I call quietly, ruffling my hair and wiping my face. I can see Ryan’s smile through the dimmed windshield, in the darkness surrounding him and I think that might just be the image that I’ll picture before I fall asleep. 

Everyone is happy. 

Except when I walk in the house I realize that’s not the case anymore. 

“What the FUCK?!” I hear Kara scream from upstairs and I shrink back into the doorway, kicking off my vans and peeling off my corduroy jacket.

“Stay low.” My father mutters from the living room beside me and I give him a raised eyebrow and he just shrugs. “I don’t know what’s going on with her, it just started.” 

With this in mind I sneak up the stairs as carefully and silently as I can on old wooden floors. I have to go past Kara’s room to get to mine so in order to be safe I have to take a risk. Is that risk one I’m willing to take? 

Yes. 

I close my eyes and cringe, taking tiny steps along the carpet and curse under my breath when I see her door swing open. 

“What are you doing?!” She shouts, staring at me with an expression that reads hurt and anger all mixed up into one very upset 17 year old girl. 

“What do you mean?” I whisper, breathless, mind racing and the flight or flight reaction I’ve been studying Ryan exhibit starts to flare up in my gut. 

“What have you...you and...you said you wouldn’t! He said he wouldn’t!” Kara hollers, her eyes starting to well with tears and I suck in a quick breath. 

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

“Kara I...I can explain it, it-“ 

“-let me guess, it isn’t what it looks like? Because it looks like you and Ryan making out in his car!” 

I take a step back and analyze the situation. Her hands are shaking, Kara’s scared. Her legs are trembling. No, Kara’s terrified. Brown eyes far too similar to mine are glassy with tears and I watch as they start to trickle down her face. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say. 

It seems dumb to realize I had always thought that if or when we got caught it would be this grand scheme, Kara seeing us and tears and fighting, Ryan and I defending each other and our relationship fiercely. Not me being pinned against a wall by Kara all alone to defend our actions when I have no words to describe them. I thought Ryan would be here to help me along, how he’s been by my side since the beginning of the year but I guess that’s not the case. 

“...Kara, this isn’t how we wanted you to find out.” I say on a whim because yeah, that statement is partially true but this seems to not be the right thing to say because she lets out a horrible scoff and stares at me like I’m the physical embodiment of her worst nightmare. 

"It seems like you didn't want me to find out at all!" 

Well, she isn't wrong. 

I shake my head anyway. "Kara no we-" 

“-How you two...“ she takes a deep breath in and sniffs into her shaking palm. “You two...the two of you...” she shakes her head and looks at the floor, shivering from head to toe. It’s as if she can’t say it, that she doesn’t want to accept it. Ryan and I, us, we. She can’t fathom the idea of it. “How long?” She asks suddenly, the words choked off yet clear as day. 

“Since...since about late September.” I whisper. The second the sentence leaves my mouth Kara’s face shoots up, her mouth open in a shocked expression that only feeds my guilt and makes my stomach feel so much more hollow. 

“This whole time? You, you and him?” It seems like she doesn’t want to believe it, that it’s impossibe she’s been so blind the entire time but she saw, she knew, she just didn’t want to accept the fact that her brother and her best friend- 

well it doesn’t really matter now. 

“I didn’t think it was anything at first I mean, it’s just Ryan.” I shrug, taking a small step back and she coughs. 

“Don’t say his name.” She spits, taking a step forward. “You and me, we’re talking  about this. You aren’t going to sleep until we figure this out and Ryan isn’t going to see you until I have a very serious conversation with him.” 

“Kara you can’t,” I stop myself, thinking very very quickly before speaking again. “You can talk to me all you want, I’ll talk with you. But you can’t make Ryan’s decisions for him.” 

"I told him," she looks at the ceiling and then back down at me. "I told him if he liked you he couldn't act on it. I  _told_ him." she seethes, tears continuing to well in her eyes and I don't know what to say, I can't form words. 

"He didn't act on it Kara." I say quietly, my legs shaking and I avoid her eyes because I know if I look at her all I'll see is disappointment. 

"He...you did? You started this whole thing?" she asks, staring at me incredulously and I nod. 

"I tried to kiss him and he said no, he pushed me away and told me we couldn't but I kept trying and trying until he..." I trail off. Why am I telling her this? This is Ryan and I's story. Not for her to hear and not for either of us to tell. 

Kara shakes her head, looking at the corner of the room in disdain and then her eyes flicker back up to meet me. "Why would you do that?" 

I don't know. 

I really don't. 

"I like him." I answer as simply as possible and Kara rolls her eyes. 

"I like him too but that doesn't mean I've pinned him down and tried to kiss him." 

The way she says this is so simple, yet so derogatory and just  _hurtful._ Making me sound like some hormonal child that can't control their impulses and-

That sounds like me. 

"I like Ryan and Ryan likes me it was only a matter of time Kara we just didn't want to make it front page news!" I yell suddenly. 

"So you decided to keep it a secret? Who knows?" she commands and I look at my knee. 

"You're the only one." 

"Oh my god Brendon," she mumbles, taking a deep breath. "...Did you tell him you were gay before you told me?" 

This question takes me by surprise. "I, uh...is that any of your business?" 

"So you did..." she shakes her head and coughs into her fist. "Ok." 

"Kara I-" 

"-No. You aren't going to do this anymore." 

"You can't just stop us!" I say because no, she can't, and if she tries then I'll never forgive her. 

She looks at her hands, the shaking ceasing once she notices it. “But I can influence his decisions,” her voice is soft. “I can do the same with you.” 

“Kara...” I breathe, my hands starting to shake so I stuff them in the pocket of my sweatshirt. 

“Come on,” she gestures into her room and I walk in, tail tucked between my legs and I stand awkwardly at the foot of her bed until she pats the blankets and waits for me to gather the courage to sit. “Tell me everything.” 

“Why should I?” I ask defiantly, staring at her in a daring way and she bites her lip.

”Because I deserve to know.” She retorts frustratedly and it takes everything I have not to roll my eyes. 

“Then tell me about Mark.” I say pointedly and she scoffs and shakes her head in disbelief. 

“Mike actually,” she corrects me in an annoyed way. “And that has nothing to do with you.” 

“Well if Ryan and I’s relationship apparently includes you then I deserve to know about this Mike.” I say snarkily, which doesn't amuse Kara and I hadn't expected it to in the slightest. 

"Ryan and you  _does_ have to do with me, contrary to popular belief." her voice is brittle and high. 

"And why is that?" 

"Because he's my best friend Brendon! You can't possibly think this is ok! We talked about this months ago!" she shouts, her face tinting pink more and more as she talks and I sit back and let her scream at me. 

"Kara just because he's your best friend does mean we can't-" 

"-Don't say we." Kara shakes her head as if she's disgusted by the thought of us together. 

"Stop being so...stop being such a-" I stop myself and Kara raises an eyebrow. "Stop being a bitch!" I holler, surprised by my own intensity and Kara's face falls. "I can say we if I want to. Ryan and I, us, we. We have a thing. He kisses me and I kiss him and we hold hands and make-out and other stuff!"

Kara freezes. It's as if her limbs stop working completely and she sits there limp and still. "I...what?"  

"You heard me," I say weakly, my own expression dissolving into an unsatisfied frown. My head tilts to the left and I stare at her sitting across from me looking like I just broke her heart five times over. "Ryan and I really care about each other." 

"He cares about me too!" she yelps defensively and I cock my head and gape at her. 

"I...I never fucking said he didn't Kara what the hell?" 

"You, you can't steal him from me like this! He was mine first, my best friend since middle school. I can't believe you'd be so  _selfish._ " she spits, biting her bottom lip harshly and not even looking me in the eyes. 

Look at me, goddammit Kara. 

Please help me understand. 

"What are you even talking about?" I ask, appalled and she points a finger at my face just to let me know that me,  _I'm_ the one that's ruining her life. 

"Ever since this has started he's been distant, you and him, you're not good!" her voice is shaking, she's barely making any sense at this point and in all honesty I'm ready to go to bed. 

"It's been fine Kara what are you even talking about?" I had thought it was fine. She was happy, Ryan and I were even though Ryan's a little off but I'll fix it. 

I can fix it. 

"You've completely changed him!" 

" _How?!"_ I ask, my mouth hanging open and my brows furrowed in utter confusion. 

“He won’t talk to me about his feelings, I don’t know what’s going on with him at home, he obviously wouldn’t have told me what he feels with you, he’s been completely despondent!” 

“I don’t know either Kara! You really think I’d know and not you? I have no clue!” I shout, spine straightening and I stare down at her. 

It’s odd to look down at her. 

“You...you don’t know either?” Kara looks at me with something almost like hope and I shake my head. 

“No.” 

“Oh.” She looks at her hands and I stare at her. 

“Yeah no he’s been like that with me too.” I say cautiously, trying to get her to stop yelling at me. 

“Do you know why?” She asks and I shrug and look at the floor. 

“Brendon...” She says in a tone that suggests I better say something before she flips out again. 

“I...I don’t know,” I reply breathlessly. “He said things have been particularly tough at home and he’s feeling different. Probably just tired.” I explain and Kara nods to herself. 

“You two...aren’t to see each other.” Kara’s voice wavers and I blink multiple times before looking up at her. 

What? 

“What?” I yelp, scrambling off her bed onto my two feet in an attempt to look and feel more confident but my hands start to tremble. 

“I’m not going to allow it.” She says difinitively and my jaw falls open. 

“Since when is it your choice?!” I yell and she shakes her head and looks at her nails. 

“Ryan’s my best friend and you’re my brother and I’m not going to allow it. You don’t know him like I do and he doesn’t know you like I do. You aren’t good for each other I’ve said it before and-“ 

“-and that’s before you even knew we were together! That was and continues to be before you’ve even seen us together!” I scream and Kara scoffs again. 

Stop fucking doing that. 

“Oh I’ve seen you two together. More than I would’ve liked to have seen.” She shakes her head as if she’s disgusted by our endevours and I flip her off. 

“You know nothing, nothing!” I boom, making sure she knows that she doesn’t in fact, know anything at all about Ryan and I. 

“I know how it’s going to end.” 

“You don’t even know how it began! You haven’t seen the way he looks at me, and the way I look at him and how he holds ny hand and kisses my forehead and tells me how much he appreciates-“ 

“-it isn’t going to last!” She hollers, sitting up straight and balling her fists. “He’s going to break your heart and break my friendship and I can’t let you just, do that to us.” Her tone is soft at the end, calm. 

I can’t do this to us.

to us. 

To Kara and I. 

But the thing is, the thing she’s completely missing is that I’ve already done it. I’ve already fallen for Ryan and he has fallen for me too. It’s begun and ended, the cycle of chasing each other’s tails and now we’re together and Kara breaking us up would just cause the problem she’s trying to avoid in the long run. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, she doesn’t even know what Ryan and I are at this point in time. We’re of our own and she doesn’t realize it and if I tried to explain I’d get yelled and and told I don’t know what I’m doing when in reality I knew what I was doing the day I signed up for choir. 

I knew it all along. 

Sure I wasn’t ready to accept it, and that makes sense when you look at it from the sidelines but here on the field it’s a lot more dangerous, far more calculated and there’s so much that could go wrong. 

But I knew what I was doing. 

I still know now, maybe a little bit less than before but I know what I want and what I want is him. I want him and I to be one and if she’s going to try and stand in the way of that she has another thing coming. 

“Kara-“ I resort to begging, climbing back on the bed and staring at her with big hopeful eyes. 

“-No.”

”You, you cant just... say no! Please Kara, please...” I try and grab her hand, let her know, show her how much he means to me. 

She scoots away, repulsed. 

So I’m repulsive now?  

It’s not a case of me being sour because I was caught. Yes that’s part of it but I’m also feeling extremely panicked due to the face that I have to fight this fight all on my own. Ryan is supposed to be here for me. I don't know where to go from here I've tried, really I have and yeah maybe yelling and feeding into her confusion and hurt wasn't the best thing to do but I had no one here to instruct me. Ryan's the one that knows what to do. Ryan's the one that's come out and has  _been_ out. 

I can't do this without him. 

"Go to bed Brendon." Kara mutters, not looking me in the eye. Ashamed, is she? Guilty? Miserable? I hope she is, I hope she feels horrible for acting this way, saying these things. I hope it eats at her, and she can't sleep about it. That she dreams about it and can't feel because of it. 

I hope she pays for what she's doing right now. 

"No." I say simply, standing up and getting off the bed in a swift movement, storming into the hall and slamming her door behind me. 

With shaking hands I dig in my pocket, breathing heavily and stuttered and I open my phone to see a message. 

_Ryan: You ok? Everything good @ home?_

I sniff, wiping my already dripping nose with my sleeve and staring up at the ceiling. 

I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I just don't.

_No. No it's not and I don't know what to do._

I type the message quickly, and spelling things wrong along the way but I send it without thinking, grabbing my bag off the floor in the hall and slinging it over my shoulder. 

I'm going to pull a Ryan. 

In short, I'm going to run. 

There isn't even time to think about it, I open the door and walk out, ignoring my dad's yelling behind me. It's only like, 8:30. I have time. I have all the time in the world. My phone buzzing startles me, makes me flinch and I curse out loud, kicking a stone into a street and listening to it clatter along the asphalt.

_Ryan: What happened? ? What do you need?_

_Are you home yet?_

The question is pathetic, absolutely pathetic and there's nothing worse then having to ask for help when you've already asked for enough. 

_Ryan: No not yet, you need me to come get you?_

_yes._

_Ryan: Ok be there in 5 ish_

_ok_

I stuff my phone in my pocket and sit on the curb, burying my face in my hands and when the fuck did everything get so hard? I don't expect my mother or father to check on me I'm a grown boy I can take care of myself so why would they come outside? To pat my back and tell me everything's ok? It's not ok, nothing right now is ok and I don't know how to handle it I can't keep saying that I don't know but that's the only thing I do know. 

I'm so buried in confusion. 

My shoulders start shaking. Not because I'm crying no, I'm not going to cry right now. It's freezing, much colder then it was when Ryan and I walked to his car so the fact I stormed out without grabbing my coat makes me feel like even more of an idiot than I've already been informed. 

Kara can pick apart my brain as much as she wants, she can try as hard as she can but she'll never understand. She can try and pry Ryan and I away from each other but I know it won't work. I wonder if she's called him, texted him. I wonder if he already knows or if he's completely oblivious. What if she waits for him to come get me and freaks out on him too? That's the last thing he needs he's too vulnerable right now. Ryan's too fragile and Kara is too unfeeling so I can only imagine how that scenario would play out with just the three of us outside on a Monday night. It's like we've been caught in some terrible act, going against the law or making some big mistake and the more I think about it the more I'm convincing myself that her truth isn't the real truth. What she thinks is happening isn't what's going to happen and what she thinks I feel isn't what I feel. She's wrong about it all. 

I check my phone. Its been four minutes. 

Five ish? Does that mean five minutes or six? Six or seven? 

"Brendon?" I hear the front door open and I turn around at the sound of my mom's voice. 

"Yeah?" 

"Why don't you come inside..." It's not a question, it's a command and I'd rather not listen to it. 

"I...no I don't think I will." I say quietly, and there's footsteps behind me. 

"I heard what you two were talking about," She sits down next to me. "Why didn't you come to me earlier?" 

I look up at her face in the darkness. People tell me I look like my mom. Dark hair and dark eyes. Intense features for small people. Kara looks like my dad, so do all my other siblings. Matt and I look like our mom though. We behave like her too. She's kind and compassionate, caring and trustworthy beyond belief and those are the attributes I've tried to project to others, let them know I'm like her too, The great Grace Urie. I like to think I'm as kind as her, as understanding and open minded but I wouldn't trust myself to label my personality so generously. 

"I didn't wanna bother you." I say quietly, suddenly praying Ryan runs late. 

"Honey, you wouldn't be bothering me." She says gently and I shake my head.

"No, I know I would. You're busy and dad's busy and Kara and I know how to take care of ourselves we aren't children." I retort, playing with my fingers nervously and trying to stop myself from shaking. 

"Just because you can take care of yourself doesn't mean you don't need help once and a while." she says softly, and I just shake my head. 

"No that's the way it has to be." 

She's silent for a minute, studying my profile while I stare at my bitten fingernails. "You've always been so stubborn. Ever since you were little it was always your job to be the one in charge." 

"I'm not trying to be in charge." I argue defensively and she chuckles lightly. 

"Are you staying here tonight?' 

"Um..." I look at the street in front of us, the glowing orange light from the street lamps above and I ultimately shake my head. "No, um...Ryan's coming, to...uh... get me. 

“I see.” she says quietly, looking at me without saying anything. 

"I can't stay here tonight. I'll, I'll go to school tomorrow normal time I'll-" 

"-It's ok honey, I understand. Take the time to reflect on this." She speaks carefully, and I've just now realized I never got the chance to come out and this is probably a huge shock to her. 

"Mom," I say suddenly, and she looks in my eyes with a weak smile that I can't bear myself to reciprocate. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." 

"It's ok sweetie." her tone is light, airy, almost like her voice is about to crack but it doesn't. Deep brown eyes shine with tears and fuck I've really messed this one up, haven't I?

“It’s not.” I whisper, bringing my knees up to my chest and breathing heavily. 

“It is. Trust me Bren we knew.” She says with a slight chuckle and I look to her with blurry vision. 

“You knew?” 

“Of course we knew. You’re our son Brendon.” 

At this my heart swells, throbbing in my chest and beating wildy at my rib cage. They knew, they knew the whole time they were just waiting for me. 

Fuck. 

As if it couldn’t be a better time, Ryan’s headlights appear down the street and I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I have a slight desire to continue this conversation deep down, but right now I could care less about my parents knowing I like boys and whether or not I’m fucking around with the boy they’ve practically helped raise.

I mean saying they helped _raise_ him might be a little bit of an exaggeration. 

“I, uh, that means a lot to me mom.” I mumble, smiling at her and she kisses my forehead. 

“I love you too darling. Be good, be safe, he’ll understand.” 

I nod, standing up and gripping my bag with shaking hands pathetically enough, and my mom quickly stands and rushes inside. His bulky car comes to a slow stop where I’m standing and before I have a chance to throw up I open the door and throw myself inside. 

“Hey.” Ryan says softly, his voice still high and raspy in its normal tone but something about it makes me want to cry.

I still feel like crying 

“Hi.” I choke out, bucking my seat belt and leaning against the headrest. He’s playing the Rock station, some old band from the 70’s playing and I blink in surprise when he makes a sharp turn and I surge to the right. So much for the seatbelt. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asks timidly, and I don’t know why his voice sounds so small and scared if he doesn’t know what happened. 

Maybe he’s scared of me? My reaction? That can’t be possible. 

“Don’t you already know?” 

He goes quiet for a moment, just looking at the road in front of him and I study the way his Adam’s apple bobs when he wants to say something before he changes his mind.  "I know." 

So Kara already got at him.

It's at that exact moment in time, when the last syllable leaves his lips, that I completely break down. 

"I'm so sorry Ryan." I sob, hating the sound of myself in my ears and I bury my face in my hands. My shoulders are trembling, jumping up and down impulsively and I squeeze my eyes shut because they sting with shame. Ryan mumbles something that sounds like a rushed and concerned "oh no, shit." before turning the wheel and stopping the car. 

"Hey hey hey... calm down," his smooth voice comes from my left and I sniff loudly and try and wipe my face even though it's no use anyways. 

I already look like a train wreck. 

"Shhh...Brendon. Brendon, look at me." There's a hand on my shoulder, the vibrations from my crying being sent into him and I try and prevent that from happening I don't want him to be sad. Another palm lands on my knee and I breathe in, a stuttered collection of breathy sounds and my eyes find their way to Ryan's. The light in his car is orange, casting a golden glow over the two of us and making both of our eyes look darker then they actually are. 

I don' want to be the one to treat him like a stranger in my own heart. 

"Everything will be alright." he whispers, rubbing the fabric of my jeans tenderly and I shake my head. 

"No, it won't. Kara is  _so_ upset Ryan and I, I didn't want to come out yet but apparently everyone already  _knew_ so I feel like such a complete idiot and I can't...I don't..." 

I don't recognize the sound of my own voice.   

"Ok, calm down. Take a deep breath." Ryan instructs me, sounding like a therapist and I don't know how to feel about it. 

"O-ok, ok." I mumble, Ryan watching me intently and I let my shoulders droop. 

"It's all gonna be fine, ok? Trust me when I say this. You are fine Brendon nothing bad is going to happen." 

How can you be so sure? 

"How do you know?" I ask, staring at him and waiting for an answer I hope he can provide. 

"Because I know. Kara will get over it, I'll talk to her, everything will be ok," I sniff and look at my lap. "-Please don't cry." he rushes out, cupping my chin with a soft palm and lifting my face up to meet his. 

"I hate seeing you cry." he mumbles, rubbing the skin of my cheek so fucking gently and I close my eyes and nod. 

"I'm sorry." 

"For what?" He smiles gingerly and kisses my forehead. "You didn't do anything wrong." His tone is reassuring and calm, making me want to cry again despite his peacefulness. 

"I feel like I fucked everything up." I say quietly and Ryan shakes his head. 

"No, no you didn't do _anything_ wrong I promise you Bren." 

"You promise?" I ask, my voice higher then normal and my eyes stinging and sore. 

"Of course I do." Ryan replies, leaning forward across the console and kissing me quickly. It's strange though, how I don't kiss back. I sit with a tear stained face and let him kiss me, and he does. He kisses me hungrily and passionate, a hand on the back of my neck and fingers in my hair. 

"Thanks." I breathe when he pulls away. He smiles and sits back down with a raised eyebrow. 

"Can I start the car now?" 

"Yeah." I chuckle, sitting back and wiping my eyes with my sleeve, sniffing once more to try and clear my nose and Ryan glances over while turning the ignition. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks worriedly and I nod with a hesitant smile. 

"Yeah, I'm better. I'll be better when we get back to your house I feel really...jumbled right now I guess." 

"Ok, that's good to know." Ryan nods to himself and we're driving again. 

He hates seeing my cry. 

Why? 

I would ask him, look over and watch his eyelashes bat when he blinks and open my mouth to ask the question. I know I wouldn't be able to get the words out though. I'd choke, end up looking stupid and he'd have to ease the words out of me but that defeats the purpose of asking on a whim. Ryan is so harmonious. Ryan is the way you feel when everything is going right, when nothing can disturb your nirvana.  He's the savior, the god of my existence and I'm so fucking lucky to have this curly haired asshole in my life. 

After a few minutes of silence, and Ryan tapping his steering wheel along to the drumline in the song playing, we pull up to his house. It's 9:30 by now, and I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. He turns off the car with careful, thin fingers that I study carefully as his fist turns into a single finger, pointing at the house. 

"So no one is home yet," He starts, looking at me intensely to make sure I'm listening. "George will be home probably in an hour or so, so we will have free range of the house until then. When he gets home you'll stay in my room." his tone sounds incredibly serious. 

"Ok." I nod and Ryan raises an eyebrow. 

"You understand?" 

"Yeah." I nod again, and keep nodding until he smiles and touches my cheek. 

"Alright then." He climbs out of the car and walks up the driveway and the front steps, leaving me to trail behind at his heels. When he reaches the front door he swings his bag around, digging through the front pocket in the darkness until we hear the clinging of keys. I can't imagine having keys to my house, let alone coming home at night and letting myself in. Ryan is really mature, and it shows through his actions not just his circumstances. It's a shame, really. He shouldn't have to come home to an empty house every night. 

Almost as if it's a second nature, Ryan's arm flexes behind him, inching slightly to where I'm standing as if to hold me behind him in case something happens. I stay behind him, humor him for a few seconds and he walks in first, turning on lights and I follow, dropping my bag on the ground and shutting both the front door and the broken screen door behind me. It's old, Ryan's house. Kind of a mixture between an old ranch house from the 80's or something you find in the middle of nowhere, maybe Arizona or something. Wood panels line he walls and hand knit blankets are draped across the leather couch. 

Very manly. 

Not a house for Ryan. 

There is no upstairs, prompting him to easily disappear into his room. It's at the far end of the hall, his father, if I remember correctly, sleeps in the basement. There's a guestroom or perhaps a sibling's room, a bathroom, and a closet in the same hall, then it's just the kitchen and the laundry room. 

"...Ryan?" I call out, still standing pretty much in the doorway and there's the sound of footsteps before his shaggy head pops out from the darkened hallway. 

"Why do you always stand there like a vampire? Make yourself at home." His tone is teasing but still has the same tender nature in it that he has shown throughout the night which I appreciate. Ryan is always so mellow, and down to earth with the way he talks and acts I secretly wish I wasn't always so hyperactive but I guess that's just one of the ways we play off of each other. He's shy though, he can be very quiet when I talk and I notice the way that he can disappear in any sort of situation he gets thrown into. Keltie or Jon or Spencer will be talking about something, making wild gestures and expressions with an entire group of people laughing along and Ryan will just get...lost in translation, I guess you could say. When the spotlight is on him he takes it graciously, only very rarely will he try and steal the show unless instructed to do so but he usually just keeps to himself when we're in a scenario such as that. 

So when he said that I was shy I was taken off guard. I'm not shy, maybe anxious sometimes or unsociable but I'm not shy. Ryan would rather have a quiet, intimate talk with one person alone rather then being the center of attention to a crowd of friends. I strive in both circumstances, being able to bloom in whichever way I feel is most appropriate for the occasion. 

Maybe that's why Kara said we wouldn't be good for each other.

Tentatively I take my bag and drop it off in his room, sitting on the foot of the bed watching him put his things away and straighten up quickly. It's apparent he hadn't expected company but I don't mind if it's messy, I know my companionship is coming as a surprise. 

"Did you have any homework you had to do? Studying?" he asks me, plugging in his laptop and taking off his sweatshirt.

Does Ryan always not wear shirts under his outerwear? 

I tear my eyes away from his lean frame and cough in embarrassment. "No. I uh, did it at musical." 

"Same." he responds, pulling on a yellow Modest Mouse t shirt that's maybe two sizes too big and he sits down next to me. "Wanna eat?"

“Um, I could eat.” I say with a shrug.

Two minutes later I find myself sitting on Ryan’s kitchen table while he makes us sandwhiches. My feet are dangling off the side of the counter, having pushed away piles of newspapers and other miscellaneous items like books and scissors and some random bananas.

“I’m sorry that all we have is peanut butter and jelly right now.” He says absentmindedly, spreading purple goo on white bread. I shake my head and smile at him.

“No it’s perfect.”

He gives me a sheepish grin and smacks two pieces of bread together, handing it to me and I laugh. 

“Thanks mom.” I tease, taking a bite while he puts his together and leans against the dishwasher to eat. 

“No problem.” 

“How much longer until I have to go into hiding?” I ask, kicking my feet and Ryan glances at the electronic clock behind him on the microwave. 

“Thirty minutes just to be safe.” He replies and I nod in understanding. It’s good that he’s cautious, good that he’s careful and protective. 

If he can’t be against Kara at least he can try with other things. 

“What do you want to do when we’re done?” The question comes from Ryan, and I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“What do I want to do?” I repeat the question and Ryan nods, giving me a look that suggests I’m dumb. 

“...yeah?” 

“Oh uh...” I look at my shoes “I don’t really know-“

just as I’m finishing my sentence there’s headlights outside the window and both Ryan and I’s faces whip up in surprise. 

“What the hell?” He mutters, striding over and looking between the blinds. “Shit.” He whispers and I take this as cue to hop down and look at him for instruction. 

“Ryan?” 

He spins around, taking one look at me and then grabbing my arm, speeding to his room where he flings me on the bed. 

“Stay here. No noise. Please.” He commands, voice low. I nod, face paling as keys jingle in the door and Ryan flees from the room, slamming the door behind him. 

Shits been cut short. 

I take off my shoes with trembling hands, and curl into the corner of his bed against the wall. My back presses against the worn paint behind me and I take a deep breath. 

It’ll be fine this time just calm down. 

The front door opens, and Ryan calls out a greeting of some sort but I try and focus on what Mr. Ross is saying. 

“How was school?” He asks gruffly and Ryan responds with a stale answer. 

“Did you do your chores? Clean your room?” The voice gets slightly louder and I panic. He’s probably going to check Ryan’s room. He’s going to come in oh my god he-

“Yeah!” Ryan yells answer and the  footsteps halt. 

“Why’s the door closed?” He barks and I jump up immedietly, slipping into the open closet and wedging myself between a bookshelf built into the wall and a rack of hanging shirts and sweaters. 

Oh god oh my fucking god. 

“It was chilly in the front room so I-“ 

“What’re you, hiding someone?” Mr Ross laughs, and I close my eyes and sink down to the floor as the door opens. 

“Very funny.” I hear Ryan’s voice approach, the tone falsely calm but I can tell it’s hesitant and slightly terrified. 

“Mhmm...” Mr Ross hums in a way that suggests he doesn’t trust Ryan but that’s absurd because Ryan is literally the golden child and would never hide anything from an adult no matter how bad it is. It's not like he's keeping the boy he's been seeing in his closet right now.

“Yeah sure dad, I’m keeping a chick under the blankets.” Ryan snorts and I have to cover my mouth to keep myself from laughing. I guess he’s in the room too now, probably standing behind his dad nervously and wondering where I’ve hidden myself. 

“I wouldn’t expect any less.” Mr Ross chuckles manly. “Get to bed.” 

“Yep.” Ryan says quietly, and there’s a weird thumping sound, almost like he’s being patted on the back. 

"Goodnight George." I hear Mr. Ross say and I cringe in anticipation of Ryan saying something he shouldn't. 

"G'night dad." he mutters, obviously irked about the name but neither man says anything more about it. The door closes and the lock clicks and I stay in place solely for the sake of being cautious. 

"Now, where are you hiding?" I hear Ryan grinning through his lowered tone and I get to my feet, pushing open the closet door and he jumps, startled by my sudden presence and laughs at my pale complexion. 

"God, you're really out of the closet now." 

He really can't fucking help himself can he? 

“Shut up loser.”  I roll my eyes and close the doors behind me quietly. 

"He's watching the game from last night you're fine." Ryan laughs breathily, like he's teasing me for being careful. 

"Sorry that I'm scared about getting my ass beat." I shrug like it doesn't matter but it does. 

"Scared?" he cocks his head and looks confused. Confused? I don't think it's that hard to imagine I'm frightened of his dad. 

“Sometimes...” I admit meekly, sitting on his bed and Ryan ruffles his hair like he does when he’s nervous or waiting in anticipation for something. 

“I...yeah I get it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have ever brought you here knowing he’d be like that.” Ryan says apologetically, like it’s his fault his dad is a drunk abusive asshole.

"You can't blame yourself for that." I say lightly, distracted by the addition of more posters to his walls. Queen and the Ramones. I blink at them, slightly impressed and Ryan redirects my attention to him when he takes off his pants. 

He just takes them off. 

"Yeah I can, I shouldn't have been such a brat knowing that you were in the next room." he says completely nonchalantly, walking across the room in his plaid boxers. 

"Why does he insist on calling you George?" I blurt out, not focusing on the way Ryan's shoulders hunch at the name and he seems to fold in on himself. I'm not paying attention to the way his posture wilts and his movements are suddenly uninspired and full of spite. 

"Because that's my name." he spits, not angrily, but bitterly. I watch him walk over to his dresser and put his jeans back in it. 

"Why won't he just call you Ryan though?" I lead him on, trying to get a conversation, a genuine word out of him. Maybe a story, anything besides this irritated act he has going on. I want the whole thing, the Ryan that Kara has and the Ryan that grew up in this house, the one that sleeps in the bed I'm sitting on. I want the real Ryan, not the person he's pretending to be, or hiding from me. 

"Because...because he named me George. That's him and I. He doesn't _want_ to call me anything else." 

I know he's hiding something. I know he's keeping a secret. 

I want to know. 

I tilt my head, try to look as cute and innocent as possible because I can see that he's watching me now. "But I don't get why that's so hard." 

His nose twitches, and he stares at me for a second, obviously seeing through my 'please don't yell at me for asking questions' face. "Because my mom called me Ryan." 

Oh. 

_Oh._

I raise my eyebrows, looking at him calculatedly and he nods, sitting down next to me and smiling weakly. "Yeah." 

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry-" I blurt out, trying to apologize as profusely as I can but Ryan leans forward and kisses me with vigor, pushing me back with his hands until I'm laying down, bent at a slightly awkward angle but not an uncomfortable one. 

"You're not prying," Ryan starts, sitting back up and I whine in the back of my throat from the lack of touch all of the sudden. "Jesus you're insatiable." Ryan rolls his eyes and I have no idea what that word means. 

"I just feel bad for asking so many questions."I sit up against his pillows, Ryan crawling over to my left and leaning on me. 

"I like being asked questions." 

"Yeah but you seemed irritated by my asking." I argue, and Ryan scrunches up his face in the most adorable way. 

"Not really. I just hate the name George and no one has ever cared enough to ask why." He says quietly and there's thumps in the hallway that make us both freeze. The hairs on my arm stand and Ryan's body tenses, his fingers wrapping around my wrist tightly and I have to stop myself before I whimper in pain. 

"It's ok." Ryan murmurs in a sing song tone before sitting in silence until the footsteps dissolve. A door opens and closes, and there's footsteps leading somewhere far away. 

"Basement." Ryan concludes, turning back to me and capturing my lips in a sweet kiss.

“So we’re alone? Finally?” I ask and Ryan nods with a breathy laugh.

“Yep.”

“Alright, can we sleep?” I ask, finally letting my overwhelming need to sleep consume me. Ryan hesitates a second before answering, his eyes flickering down to my lips and I bite back a laugh. 

"Yeah, sure." he mumbles, biting his lip in an anxious way and looks back up at me. 

"Stop it." I laugh, cupping his cheek and he gives me a confused expression. 

"W-what?" 

"Stop making puppy eyes that's my thing." I twist my fingers around his collar and tug him forward, kissing him hungrily and he murmurs happily into my mouth. I love his voice I love his mouth I want to kiss the sound he makes when I touch him like this. 

"sorry." He breathes, though it doesn't sound sorry in the slightest and it makes laughter bubble up in my chest. 

We make out for about five more minutes, and I suddenly come back to my senses when Ryan climbs on top of me and starts making love bites on my neck. 

I whimper and try and squirm away from him, failing miserably because all that it does is expose my neck more for him. "Ry you can't-" 

"Yes I can. Have you forgotten?" He mutters, kissing up my ear, my weak spot and he knows it, which makes me moan quietly. 

Oh, right. 

We don't have to hide it anymore. 

Maybe it'll infuriate Kara, I think to myself as Ryan continues to nurse the bruises already forming on my skin. Maybe she'll see me in the hallway tomorrow and go bright red, seeing me all marked up and destroyed. Maybe it'll kill her, make her cry. 

"Yeah, shit, g-go ahead!" my voice raises an octave when Ryan bites down right under my ear. 

He's so warm and soft, my hands on his nonexistent hips and feeling the tattered fabric of his baggy boxers. My nails run along the strip of skin that's been revealed when his shirt rides up and Ryan's breathing hitches noticeably.  

When Ryan seems satisfied with his artwork he pulls back, sucking on my bottom lip and making me whine. 

"You mentioned sleep?" He asks, hair ruffled and falling in his face, crinkled curls and deep darkened eyes. 

"Y-yeah." I pant, running my tongue over my bottom lip. 

Want to taste him. 

"Alright. Get ready." He hums, rolling off me and grabbing his phone off the bedside table, eyes lowering as he reads texts I'm sure are from Kara. 

I stand, peeling off my shirt and tossing it on his dresser, stripping myself of my jeans and doing the same with them. 

"Clothes?" I ask in his direction, eyes elsewhere and Ryan snorts. 

"I'm not giving you clothes." he teases, and when I turn his eyes drift up and down my frame, shamelessly checking me out. 

"Ryan." I say sternly, yet rolling my eyes and he smirks. 

"Take whatever you want." he shrugs. 

I look through his drawers, pawing through band tees and plain cotton shirts before finding a plain black one. It fits me well, a little big but Ryan and I are small, it's hard to find things that properly fit without it being skin tight and two inches too short. 

I pad over to the bathroom and wash my face, fluffing up my hair. My toothbrush is still in the holder from however many weeks ago. It makes me smile, never ceases to amuse me seeing two brushes alongside each other like a pair. 

A pair. 

When I return to bed, Ryan's laying spread eagle on the sheets, his mouth parted slightly and his eyes closed in peacefulness. He looks like a toddler passed out from a long day at the playground, a single leg laying over the side of the bed, long and thin. The sheets are tangled just below his waist, wrapping around his other leg and pillows are strewn around his head. I bite my lip and suppress a fat grin, tilting my head in adoration for this fucking boy. I want to savor this, I want to keep him here forever, like this, just like this and encapsulate it. I want to relive this moment over and over and over again. I want to watch his chest rise and fall, his nose twitch and his fingers grip at nothing. 

If I could stand here a lifetime just to watch him sleep, 

I'd stand here twenty lives over. 

Disturbing his peace would literally ruin my entire existence, so I turn off the light slowly and yank on his fan's chain, waiting for it to lazily rotate in an endless circles before locking his bedroom door and sitting on the edge of his bed above his leg. The mattress dips under my weight and I lay back carefully, rolling over onto my stomach and staring at his face adjusting to the darkness until it fully comes into frame. 

He's so pretty. 

Everyone is beautiful, everyone has beauty either in them or on them but not everyone is pretty. 

Ryan is so fucking pretty. 

The curve of his jaw is so gentle and soft, yet it's defined and sharp like the bone structure in the rest of his face. Gentle rolling curves carved out of his cheeks and jaw that form the most symmetrical shape. His eyes are closed, thin wispy lashes resting on his cheek and my eyes graze down to his lips. Small but shaped like they should be unlike mine, delicate and soft. 

I blink at him, trying to take it all in with as little time as possible because I know he wont last, this wont last long. 

Nothing beautiful lives forever. 

I lay on his chest, sliding a hand under his shirt to feel his warm skin, satisfied with his soft skin against mine. A murmur of something unintelligible comes from Ryan's lips, sounding happy and blissful and I let myself drape over him. He mumbles something else, louder and almost disgruntled, and he pulls me closer in his sleep, an arm wrapping around my neck and resting on my shoulder blade so I curl into him, savoring the shape of us intertwined like we know it so well. 

I know it so well by now. 

He smells like him, like home, like safety and warmth on a cold night. 

He's like the only thing I need, the only thing I want

for as long as I'm alive. 

And even after that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can highkey get into the new music im just disappointed


	18. Tuesday

As my eyes flutter open I become aware of the amount of kisses Ryan's placing all over my face. I don't mind waking up this way. 

"There he is." He whispers happily, voice rugged and low. 

"Good morning." I murmur back, lifting my head then promptly flopping back onto the pillow. Ryan props himself up on his elbows and nods towards the clock. 

"It's 6:45, we've got around 20 minutes before we have to head out." he informs me as I close my eyes again. 

"Ok ok." I mumble absentmindedly, turning my head to the side and drifting off again. 

"Bren you gotta get up." 

I frown and keep my eyes closed. "Get in the shower or something and let me sleep for a little bit more." 

Ryan nudges me and I roll over, my back facing him and I bite back a grin. 

"Or you could join me." he says, voice lower then before and my ears perk up at this, prompting me to open my eyes and immediately roll over. 

"What?" I ask hopefully, realizing what he just said and my heart starts racing a mile a minute. 

Ryan. Water. Naked. 

"I knew that would get you up." Ryan laughs. "In your dreams." he chuckles and I scowl, flopping back over and grunting angrily. Yeah, I have had those dreams. 

"Fuck you." I groan into the pillow and Ryan laughs again behind me. I squeeze my eyes shut and try and fall back asleep but now I'm thinking about Ryan's dick and it isn't helping. 

"C'mon, don't be mad." Ryan sings, dragging out the words and his hands start to roam across my frame. I shiver at the feeling of his hands slipping under my shirt and over my lower stomach, my muscles tightening and a warm feeling bubbling up in my gut. 

"Ryan stop." I open my eyes and flip over. He takes his chance lightening quick, pinning me to his bed while I'm wrapped up in the sheets and he kisses me eagerly, full of lust. I kiss him back this time, wanting to wrap my hands around his neck but they're being forced to the sides of my head. 

"Why?" he whines, kissing my jaw and forcing my chin up. 

“You said we had to get up?” I ask, looking at him challengingly and he bites my lip. 

“Who cares?” 

“Uh-“ I raise an eyebrow “you?” 

“I guess you’re right.” He sighs disappointedly and I roll my eyes. 

“How bad is my neck?” I ask, the question intertwined with a yawn and his eyes bounce around my torso for a few seconds before landing back on my eyes. 

“Uh, not horrible.” He stumbles over his words and I quirk an eyebrow. 

“So...terrible?” I ask him almost sarcastically, but I know him too well and I know I probably look like a finger painting.

“...Yeah.” He murmurs, fingers trailing over my skin gently and I groan.

“Sorry.” He squeaks, leaning down and kissing the skin gingerly, over and over again, so much so that it almost hurts. 

“It’s all good.” I mumble, carding fingers through his curls and he hums happily against my chest. 

"Do you want to try and cover them or-" 

"-No." I cut him off immediately. No, I want everyone to fucking see my neck and I don't care what they say. 

I'm out. 

I don't care anymore. 

If they ask, I'll tell. I'm fucking around with Ryan Ross. I don't care what anyone will think, what they'll say, what they'll do. I can handle it. I'm a stubborn, tough cookie. Mom says so, Ryan knows so, it'll all be fine. Ryan says that everything will be alright, and if he says so then it has to be true. 

"I don't want you to get picked on," He starts, going to continue saying something to support his argument but I grab his face in between his pause and the next word to kiss him wantonly. He makes a noise of opposition, surprised perhaps, and I keep kissing him until he kisses me back. My tongue slips into his mouth and he takes it graciously, a hand coming up to grip my jawline. 

When I pull back his face follows me, yearning for more but I have something to say. “I don't care," I pant, pressing my forehead to his. "I don't care what people think anymore. All I want is you." 

Ryan makes a sound nothing less then a whimper, moving upwards and capturing my lips in another kiss. If I was standing right now, I'm sure my legs would've given out somewhere around here. 

"All I want?” He repeats, kissing me hungrily and I grip his shirt, my fingers twisting in the fabric and tugging him closer to my chest. 

“You’re all I fucking want, Ryan.”

It's heated and passionate, one of the most emotionally involved make outs we've had in our three months of messing around and it makes my stomach churn with dopamine. Our mouths move in synchronization, in harmony, and Ryan's tongue slides against mine before he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and bites gingerly. I whine pathetically, my fingers creeping under his shirt and he shudders, sitting back and tugging his shirt over his head. When it's thrown on the floor, he shakes his head like a dog, curls bouncing until falling slowly and gently to his scalp, small locks floating back onto his head until they're settled. I watch in awe, pulling off my own shirt and haphazardly brushing hair out of my face. 

"You're so gorgeous." He mumbles, pushing away clumps of his sheets like he's brushing away cobwebs. They don't keep us warm anymore, we only need each other to stay comfortable. 

Hands find my skin like it's the only thing they can hold onto, the only thing that they can touch. It's as if we're starved of affection, gripping each other's faces and attacking one another's mouths. Ryan's torso presses against mine in a way that makes me groan in something I can only describe as pleasure. 

I'm hard. 

I'm hard and Ryan's pinned me to  _his_ bed in  _his_ house and we have school in half an hour though I have a feeling we're coming in late today. 

"Ry-" I whimper, pushing up against him and he breathes out harshly, grabbing my wrists and shoving them down onto the pillows beside me. It's almost primal, the way we're behaving now. I go from sweet and quiet to a whimpering, whining mess at the flick of a switch and Ryan goes from tentative to animalistic the second my lips meet his. 

"You're hard." Ryan observes, leaning down and placing wet hot kisses under my neck, making me bite my lip and look at the ceiling. Once my control is gone, the urge and need to feel him is intensified. The second I can’t have it, it’s  all I want. 

And I’ve always wanted to touch him. 

But it embarrasses me to know that he noticed. "s-sorry I'll-"

"-Don't apologize." Ryan rushes out, looking at me like I have a third eye. "Don't."

“We have things to do.” I mumble, Ryan’s lips on my neck never ceasing.

“Fuck things.” Ryan shoots back and I can’t argue.

Maybe I can. 

I scoot below him and kiss him gently. “But we have sch-“ 

“-Too much talking.” He snaps, cutting me off and dragging short nails down my torso. My entire body tenses, breathing heightened and skin ablaze. 

If I could keep this moment captured forever I would. Ryan’s hands on my body and his undivided attention. All of him for me, everything he has to offer in my grasp. I want him. 

"I want you." I blurt out, saying what's on my mid before I become to sheepish to voice it. Ryan seems taken aback, but not surprised. He sits on his knees between my legs that I've spread for him and his fingers caress my cheek softly, gentle eyes searching for something in me. 

"I don't think that's a good idea Bren." he says softly, as if he's letting me down gently. 

I refuse to be let down. 

"It is! Why wouldn't it be?" I ask desperately, gripping his shoulders roughly and pulling him down, closer, closer. Please come closer. 

"I don't want to hurt you." he whispers, sounding beside himself and I blink up at him in utter confusion.

"Hurt me?" I ask as if I'm offended which I kind of am to be honest. I'm not that skinny nor very fragile. I can take it, I can handle his affection. 

"It's a lot to take, I don't think it's the  the right time I just..." He trails off, and it's obvious he wants to. he just feels conflicted. It shouldn't be this hard. Doesn't he want to have me? Doesn't he want to show his love, to take the next step, to seal this all in? 

Doesn't he want to show his love?

"I want to." I say surely and simply, cupping his face with two hands and rubbing the skin with my thumbs. Ryan sighs gently, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch. He’s holding himself back from this and I don’t know why. I want to know why but I don’t think it’s my place to ask. I don’t want to keep prying. 

"Are you sure?" he asks cautiously, voice low and oh so incredibly nervous. He's so nervous Jesus Christ. 

“You could ask me thirty times and the answer would always be yes, Ryan.” I gush, lifting my face to meet his and he kisses me like he’s afraid to hurt me. I chuckle into his mouth and kiss him hard, my lips searching for something that he isn’t quite giving but I know I can try and pull it out of him. 

After a few seconds of me feverishly attacking his face Ryan whines low in his throat and surges forward, finally matching my speed and kissing me harshly, roughly, and he tugs my hair which releases a moan from my mouth. 

“Fuck don’t, don’t make that noise.” Ryan pants, kissing the corner of my mouth and trailing down my throat where I crane my neck to give him more space and skin. 

“Why?” I groan as he bites and licks over the bruises, letting my nails scratch his back as he sucks on the skin, tugging it between his teeth. I make another high breathy noise, arching my back in an attempt to fit into his shape. 

“I’m going to lose control.” He responds, nursing bruises and trailing down to my chest for a whole new canvas. My fingers trace over his spine, the ridges of it bumpy under my touch. He shivers though he’s burning hot and I take pride in knowing I'm the one that gets to make him feel this way. 

I’m the _only_ one that gets to see Ryan like this, unraveling at my touch and vulnerable to my eyes. 

"Go ahead." I say, sitting up and pushing him down by his shoulders, climbing on top of him and kissing him fiercely. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my entire life. Ryan moans into my mouth, his hands finding my ass and gripping my skin through the fabric of my boxers. I whimper in slight pain, but I like it. I like the way it feels like there’s nothing else going on in the world, like Ryan and I are the only people around and everything else ceasing to exist for however long this’ll last.  

Ryan’s hips thrust up in an uncontrollable way and I grip his shoulders while kissing him excitedly. He’s propped up against a pillow, sitting up while I settle in his lap and kiss his neck, enjoying the way he tries to keep in his moans but they slip out anyway. I’ve noticed Ryan doesn’t like to seem easily impressed, or by any means weak to my touch but I know he is. I can tell by the way his muscles flex under my fingers and I can feel his heartbeat under my mouth. It’s erratic, a never ending pulse that moves faster and faster with every kiss and lick on his skin.

I enjoy his melody of sound, Ryan’s resistance making it hard to keep my mind at bay. His hands wander, sliding up and down my thighs, either trying to get a rise out of me that’s already there or just looking for something to hold onto and I move up to kiss him again, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. My movements are excited, frantic and virtually all over him. My tongue skims against his, gliding along the muscle and I love it. I fucking love it and I don't think I'll ever get enough. If I ever do, there has to be something seriously wrong with me because this is the best feeling ever and it’s with Ryan. It’s with _my_ Ryan, and he cares enough about me to wait and do this right. 

Ryan's hands grip my waist, humming a supportive noise into my mouth as he grasps my curves. With some slight pushing and steering, I'm now aware he's trying to get me to rotate my hips. I move my hips in a circle, moving over his prominent erection that has apparently existed since our make out started. I moan at the feeling, our faces disconnecting and I let my face fall into his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut at the immense pleasure that begins to bubble up in my abdomen. 

"Ry, fuck, please." I whimper, kissing his neck absentmindedly and he groans into my hair. 

Fucking do something. 

It feels _so_ good, I wish I had the words or the state of mind to tell him so. I want this to hurry up, because so far Ryan's been blissed out and I want to get to the good part, or find out if that's even a thing. 

"You sure?" He repeats, voice low and husky and fuck, I like it. 

"Yeah." I breathe, sitting back away from him and I watch his eyes bounce over every single mark and bruise he's made. A hum comes from deep in his throat and he presses a hand to my neck, his thumb digging into my throat and it feels sore and I don’t know where he’s learned to do that and why, but I love it. 

I'm so hard I can't even think straight. It's like all the blood from my brain has rushed to my cock and all I want is for Ryan to touch it, feel it, stroke or lick or even just graze it. 

“Fuck.” I mumble as Ryan pulls off his boxers, strewing them across the room and I do the same with mine. 

We’re both completely in the nude. 

And a realization of the importance of this moment hits me like a train; this is the first, This is a milestone in not just my life but his and here I am sitting in Ryan’s lap with no clothes on while he begins to nibble on the shell of my ear. 

Fucking hell what have I gotten myself into?

This is a _big deal_ , not a run of the mill makeout or simply us getting each other off. This is something different and _special_ and I don’t know why but it kinda makes me want to cry.

I don’t want to be the guy who cries during sex, hell no. So I blink rapidly and stare at Ryan, unaware of my shaking hands until Ryan’s eyes turn soft and worried and his hands clasp mine urgently. 

“What is it?” He asks, voice still husky and low but there’s a different edge to it, and undertone not detectable by anyone else except me and I catch it shamefully. 

“Nothing, nothing I’m fine let’s keep going,” I say quickly, not quite finishing my sentence before I kiss Ryan desperately. Desperate people do desperate things to keep what they’re losing. 

Not that I’m losing him, but he’s drifting away. 

Not permanently, but for now at least. 

Not forever, but right now his attention is faltering. 

“You aren’t fine.” Ryan’s hands run up and down the sides of my torso comforting and soft. "Bren you're shaking like you're in a snowstorm." he whispers, a hand stopping at my waist and one coming up to cup my cheek. 

Shaking, am I really? 

I knew my hands were shaking but they do that all the time. Whenever I'm anxious, starting a new job or meeting new people that I have to impress. Whenever I'm with Ryan. 

Does he really make me this nervous? 

No, that can't be. Ryan makes me feel safe. He makes me feel warm and comforted and like I have someone protecting me. I'm always under his wing I shouldn't be shaking right now. I shouldn't be and I hate myself for doing so. Why can't I just get over myself and fuck Ryan? Why can't we just fuck and get it over with. I want to, I want to so fucking badly but he won't let himself if he thinks I'm terrified. 

"I'm just a little overwhelmed. Ryan c'mon," I bounce slightly, giving him a sheepish smile and he stares at me for a second.  

"I don't think it's a good idea." His thumb brushes my skin like it does when he's trying his best to show gentle affection. I don't _want_ gentle affection, what I _want_ him to do is fuck me into the mattress until I can't see straight. 

"Why don't you want to fuck me?" I exclaim, trying to sit back and scoot away but Ryan blinks in a shocked way and grabs my wrist, pulling me back to him before I can get away. 

"Brendon," he says sternly, taking a rougher approach to the conversation then I would've expected from him. He isn't being docile or lenient with his response, he sounds aggravated. "Don't say shit like that." 

"Why not?" I try and tug my arm away but then I remember how strong he actually is and it ends up with me making little pathetic groaning noises trying to get away. Fight or flight and I'm choosing flight when all I've ever tried is to fight with Ryan. "Every time I try, _every_ time, you say that it isn't a good idea. _Why_?" I look at him, desperately, angrily, or a mixture between the two and Ryan just cocks his head and stares at me. 

"Say something!" I cry, looking down immediately in shame and embarrassment. I let my eyes trace his stomach, the lines of prominent muscle and his protruding pelvic bones. 

"I don't know how to explain it to you in a way you'd understand." He says carefully and I scoff. 

"You think I'm a child or something, newsflash Ryan-" 

"-I never said that!" He shouts, getting my attention in a flash and my face whips up to see his. 

He looks miserable. 

Why? He shouldn't care. He obviously doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm probably repulsive, the thought of it disgusts him and I know he's reading my face right now because of the way his brown eyes are digging into mine, flickering over my face until he makes a sound that reminds me of a simple, disappointed sigh. 

"You think I hate you, don't you?" he asks. It's not really a question the way he says it, it's more of a sad observation. 

"...No," I say dismissively, avoiding eye contact. "I just don't know why I turn you off so much." 

His mouth falls open, his eyebrows knitting together somewhere between amusement and confusion. "You? You don't turn me off." Ryan retorts, looking at me in a way that makes my stomach churn in a sour way. Shit, I fucked something up here. 

"But...why don't...I don't..." I try and gather the right words to form a question, but they come out jumbled. Out of order and unintelligible. 

But Ryan knows what I'm trying to say before the syllables even leave my lips. 

"We've talked about this before, you wanna have the conversation again?" he asks, as if he's amused by the fact I didn't retain his words the first time and I'm suddenly very conscious of the fact we're both stark naked, and I'm straddling his lap with hickies all over my front. 

"Yeah." I murmur, scooting away but he still doesn't let me go, pulling me forward from around my waist and our chests are pressed together, all of our skin rubbing against one another's and my breathing hitches. My shaking has halted, now it's just a low vibration that refuses to stop rumbling deep in my gut. Ryan's mouth hovers over my lips and I let my eyes stare at them shamelessly. 

"I don't want to fuck you," he says in a low, tender tone which calms my suddenly now thudding heart. "...I want more for you than that. You deserve more then just a quick fuck before school." Ryan's words are compassionate, and so caring it makes my heart swell and my eyes sting. 

He wants _more_ for me, 

I want to cry. 

"O-ok." I sigh, the adrenaline from the short argument still rushing through my veins and I know it's going to be awkward that I'm still this hard. 

"That's is? Just ok? You sure?" he asks patiently and I nod, taking a chance and resting my head on his neck. 

"I'm sorry for throwing a bitch fest." I say quietly and he chuckles, hands dragging up and down my back, tracing my hunched spine and shoulder blades. 

"You didn't have to throw a bitch fest you could've just talked about it with me." he says softly, and I ignore him while breathing on his skin in hot, even exhales. 

"I don't know how to talk to you." Is what I respond with, earning a tense reaction from Ryan and sudden fingers carding through my hair. 

"Why is that?" he asks calmly but I can tell he's worried about something because of the fear I can sense in the undertone. 

He's easier to read then he thinks. 

But I guess he could say the same about me. 

I think we're both just afraid of being figured out. 

And I don't know if that's a normal reaction, or some kind of deep existential type of stuff that indicates we have a lot more on our minds than normal people. 

"Because I get scared of how you might respond." 

Ryan's quiet for a moment, and this time I don't have any idea what he might be thinking. "Am I scaring you? Are you scared of me?" He asks suddenly, and the question is so out the blue I can practically see the color. 

"W-what? No, of course not!" I shake my head quickly, eager to convince him otherwise. Ryan? scare me? I can't think of anything more absurd in my life . Ryan's the one that's protected me throughout everything so far in this year. He's been by my side ever since I tried out for chorus. Encouraging me, leading me on to what he knew I'd like, gifting me with the presence of his best friends and giving me he space to let myself bloom as a person. 

"By the way you talk it sounds like you're scared of me Bren." He mumbles and it breaks my heart to hear him so sound so utterly discouraged. 

"It's not that I'm _scared_ of _you_ ,  I'm just..." I sigh, my hands cautiously finding their way to his chest, drawing patterns in his skin. A circle, a square, a- 

"Just what?" he asks, the sound reminding me of panic hiding behind a confident demeanor. 

"I'm afraid of losing you." I whisper,  shyly looking into his eyes. 

It's true. 

I'm terrified of him leaving me all by myself. 

"I'm not going anywhere." he says placidly, as though he's absolutely sure he'll stay right here, next to me. 

I wish I could believe that he'd stay. 

I clench my jaw and nod, smiling weakly and once again avoiding his eyes. "Ok." 

He believes me. 

Maybe because he’s being honest, and that’s comforting. He wouldn’t doubt my response because he knows what he’s saying is the truth; that he really isn’t going anywhere 

“I don’t want you to have to worry about things like that. You’re getting too in your head hun.” Ryan sighs, pressing his forehead to mine and I melt, the beating of my heart thudding in my chest, against my ribs, trying to poke through and show Ryan just how crazy he makes me. 

I’m going insane. 

“I’ll try and stay in the moment.” I respond quietly, voice thick with shame and Ryan kisses my forehead, pulling back and smiling warmly. 

“Mindfulness. You’re just stressed. Calm down Bren nothing is going to happen to you.” 

I want to believe it so badly. I feel like I’m going to cry or just simply explode. 

Boom, that’d be it. A spark and an explosion. I’d be gone, wouldn’t have been able to handle the overwhelming pressure. 

My body opts for crying instead. 

I sob into my hand, trying to muffle the noise or just make myself  _stop._ Ryan is quick to react, his eyes widening and brows pulling together to form a distraught expression. 

I don't want to look at him, I don't want to see the pain I'm already causing so early in the game. 

“No no don’t do that please,” Ryan rushes out, wrapping his long arms around me and pulling me impossibly closer. 

Why am I always fucking crying? I don’t get it I really don’t. One bad thing happens and it’s just waterworks. Ryan isn’t going to want me if I’m crying all the time. He isn’t going to put up with me for much longer. There isn’t enough worth hanging onto. 

“Hey it’s ok, shhhh everything’s ok.” He shushes me in a panicked way, only making me feel more overwhelmed and I choke back a sob into his hair. I’m getting his skin wet, dripping tears onto him and gripping his shoulders tightly. 

Please don’t leave. 

“Brendon calm down.” He coos, hands still threading through my hair affectionately. The tone of his voice sounds genuinely concerned and I hate that I make him feel this way. I don't want him to always be a nervous wreck around me, walking on eggshells to make sure he doesn't freak me out. 

But I'm not freaked out. 

I'm just overwhelmed. 

Right? 

"Here...c'mon, put on some clothes and come here." Ryan says, detaching me from around his neck and I hiccup, wiping my still teary eyes as he grabs my boxers off the side of the bed and helps me slide them on. He does the same, sitting back against the pillows and I stare at him, hiccuping and trying to get my hands to stop shaking until he opens his arms and I crawl into his lap again. Slowly this time, hating the fact that I feel like I'm not allowed to, or I shouldn't be. 

When Ryan's hands reach my bare skin I melt into him, draping myself against his frame and letting his burning arms wrap around me. He smells good, like he always does but there's something else I can't detect. It smells almost like my house, the laundry detergent we use and the notes that hit you the second you step through the door. 

I'm rubbing off on him. 

He's rubbed off on me. 

We've marked each other now there really isn't any turning back at this point. 

“Talk to me.” He whispers, pulling me closer and I lay my face against his bruised chest and sigh. 

“I’m so sorry.” I mutter, hiccuping again and Ryan makes a noise of opposition. 

“For what?” He asks, either being compassionate or oblivious I don’t know and I can’t tell. 

“For being such a buzzkill.” I say angrily, frustrated with myself and my behavior. I’m not like this. Ryan knows I’m not like this and what we don’t know is why I’m acting like this. 

“You aren’t a buzzkill...” He says, dragging out the last word in a sympathetic way. 

“Yeah I am. I can’t even get us off without starting to cry it’s p-pathetic!” I curse under my breath at the stutter that pops up. 

“Brendon I don’t care about that,” Ryan hums, fingers finding their way back to my hair and my eyes flutter shut at the touch. “It doesn’t matter right now. All I care about is you feeling safe and comfortable.” 

I scoff to myself, hating how he thinks he has to do that for me. I don’t need it. I’m a big boy, I’ll let him know if I’m not ready. 

Then again I think back to twenty minutes ago and I begin to second guess myself. 

“I am comfortable. I _feel_ safe, Ryan.” I argue, sighing dramatically into his skin that smells like me. 

“But you still aren’t ready. I knew that but you kept pushing.” 

“But you were doing it too.” I retort in a whiny way and Ryan. Laughs softly. 

“I’m only human,” He tells me, circling his thumb over my bicep. “Your heat against mine and, your fucking _mouth_ Brendon oh my god I-“ he stops himself, inhaling and exhaling. 

“So you’re attracted to me?” I ask in a pathetically hopeful voice and Ryan shakes his head in amusement. 

“I’m hard right now Brendon does that answer your question?” 

My eyes widen and I look up at Ryan who nods and raises an eyebrow. 

“Can I help?” I ask immedietly, trying to sit up and get onto my knees but Ryan shakes his head and holds me down. 

“I don’t think so.” He responds and I pout, pawing at his chest and he bites his cheek. “No.” 

 "I don't get it. I don't get myself," I complain loudly, scowling to no one in particular, mostly out of frustration. "I hate how fucking  _sensitive_ I am," I spit, looking away from Ryan's eyes to the window where the already risen sun sits in the cloudy sky. "One minute I want to get down on my knees and fucking suck you off until your dick is sore, and then the next minute I'm shaking and crying like a total fucking bitch." I purse my lips and stare at the wall with lowered eyes. Ryan's quiet above me, not saying anything but I feel his heart still beating rapidly under his skin. We're both so tense and on edge. One wrong move and-

Boom. 

"You're not a bitch." Ryan finally says after a long moment. 

"I am." I say persistently. "I know I'm being a fucking tease and that you're going to get tired of chasing because you don't chase and I'm going to be alone-" 

"-Woah woah wait." Ryan snaps, his fingers ceasing in their movements and he tugs my face to look at him. Grudgingly I do, looking up at him to see a hurt expression paint his face. "You really think I'd leave you because you get nervous?" 

I don't know whether he's trying to be rhetorical or not. "Um, n-no?" 

"You do." He says, his face losing motivation to hold itself up and I watch as it wilts.  

“No! I don’t, that’s the thing.” I reach out and grasp his hand, holding it to my chin and looking up at him with what I hope are forgiving puppy eyes. 

“So you have at least a little bit of faith in me?” Ryan raises an eyebrow and I nod eagerly. 

Anything to make him happy again. 

“I’ve always had piles of it.” I smile and kiss his hand, a small smirk forming on his face that pleases me immensely. 

“Ok, ok good that’s good to hear.” He says in a light voice and I nod again. 

“I’d hope it would be.” I tell him, placing my hand in the center of his chest. 

“You know what?” Ryan asks, looking up at the ceiling and I do too, expecting to see something up there but it’s just his grey paint. 

“What?” I ask, thoroughly confused with his sudden behavior change. 

“I don’t really feel like going to school today.” He says softly, as if he’s just now realizing it. I mean I’ve known I didn’t want to go to school today since yesterday morning. 

“I can agree.” I respond timidly. Just staring at him until he looks back down at me. 

“So it’s settled.” Ryan says, brushing my hair with a row of fingers and I close my eyes. 

“Do you wish I was different sometimes?” I ask randomly, curling in on Ryan closer and tracing his pelvic muscle lines. 

He tenses, skin flexing under my fingers and goosebumps start to rise on the surface. “N-not really. I like you for you as cheesy as that sounds.” 

I hum a positive sound in response, leaning against him and breathing steadily for the first time in about an hour. There's a strange sense of security, feeling his arms around me as I sink into him.

It feels like something more then I've ever felt with him. I have an idea of what it is, this strange emotion starting to buzz at the bottom of my brain, but I push it away. 

It isn't needed right now. 

"Do  _you_ wish you were different sometimes?" He asks, and I nod, sighing gently. 

"Yeah. Sometimes I wish I could like, shed my skin. I hate the way I act sometimes and the way I change people." I respond, sounding bitter but I couldn't care less because I am bitter. 

"What do you mean?" Ryan inquires and I shrug as best I can while enveloped in his arms. 

"I don't know. I'm weird. I'm flinchy and uncomfortable in front of people and pretend that I like it but I don't. I get teased in class for being weird and not like everyone else and I know it's a cliche sob story but it's how my life is." 

Ryan nods, a pensive look on his face and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. "Yeah I get it." 

"It's like this," I start,  using my hands to subconsciously make gestures as I speak. "I have dumb, long hair and puppy dog eyes and I'm too skinny and small. My voice is too loud and I'm a hyper little spaz but completely aware of it. I hate it." I pout, settling down again and Ryan brushes my cheek with his thumb.

"Ok first of all," Ryan chuckles lightly "I like your hair and your eyes." My heart swells at the acceptance and appreciation but Ryan keep going, obviously not satisfied with the pink blush already tinging my cheeks. 

"You aren't  _that_ loud, and when you are, it's entertaining. Your frantic qualities make me chuckle, when you just can't contain yourself. It's amusing, watching you bounce around." 

"Really?" I ask in a doubtful tone, raising an eyebrow at him and he nods. 

"Honestly. You're very cute when you're not focused. It makes you look like you always have something better do do, somewhere better to go." Ryan tries to explain, but the words are strained. He has a point that he's trying to get across, but he can't find the right words to express it. 

"That's a different way of putting it. I just hear that I'm too distracting." I snort, and Ryan laughs into my hair. 

"Well I mean, you distract me, but not because of your hyperactivity." he murmurs, and my cheeks reheat once again. 

"Just call it my ADHD Ry I won't get offended." I say with a laugh and Ryan squeezes my hand tentatively. 

"Ok, sure." 

I lean back on him and stare out the window, watching birds fly by and cars chasing one another's bumpers on the road across from Ryan's house. It's quiet and undisturbed, a typical Tuesday morning and I've woken up in Ryan's bed before, but I've never stayed this long. 

Not that I'm kicked out, or I flee. It's just that we usually don't have time to cuddle or whatever mushy shit people do because he's either rushing out of the room and as far away as possible or I'm sneaking out in the early hours of the morning trying not to get caught. Everything we do is so tentative, so cautious. It doesn't have to be anymore. We can be calm, cool and collected without having to worry about my sister bursting in or my mom and dad. We don't have to hide it anymore and as I rest my head on his shoulder and stare out the window I begin to realize how much of this morning is an exhale. It's a breath of fresh air, in and out. No holding it in in fear of someone hearing. 

"Do you want to back to bed or...?" Ryan nudges me and I crane my neck to catch his eyes. 

I don't think I've ever heard a question more appealing. 

"Fuck yes." I breathe, climbing out of his lap and stretching across the bed to pull his blinds down. The room goes from bright and airy to dim and moody in about five seconds and as I'm letting go of the string I feel Ryan grip my ankle and pull it towards him, practically dragging me back towards him. 

"Stop, weirdo." I giggle, kicking at him and he lets go, grinning happily and I slip under the covers and fix the pillows that have gotten disheveled from our movements. There's a big difference between mussed sheets on an empty bed to mussed sheets on a full bed. With both remains the ghost of something come and gone, a fight, a climax, tender lovemaking or rough sex. Ours remains a grave to a disagreement, an argument, and an unraveled resolution.

But the one monumental difference between the two comparisons is that Ryan and I are still both here. Neither has stormed off, neither is left feeling unsatisfied or uncomfortable. 

The bed remains full. 

I wrap my arms around his torso and lay with my head on his chest, kissing the skin gently and his lips find my forehead. Our legs intertwine below us and when I close my eyes I can't bring myself to imagine a place safer then this. I can only wrack my brain until I'm exhausted of thinking and before I finally drift off again I find myself coming to a dead end on my escapade for a better place than Ryan. A better person than Ryan. 

He's as good as it's going to get. 

And I'm still baffled as to the fact he's all for me. 

 


	19. Monday continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol where’d she go?

It never ceases to amaze me, my never ending stupidity. Really, sometimes I should be shocked at the way I act but then again it usually passes my mind pretty quickly. 

Ryan lays in an otherwise compromising position, legs spread under the sheets and mouth hanging open in an o shape that insinuates he’s very much asleep.

I am not. 

I sit, cross legged on top of the mattress at the very foot of the bed and stare at him while wiping my wet eyes. 

No he’s not dead. 

His chest is rising and falling rhythmically, fingers twitching, reaching for a body that isn’t there and I press my hand against my eyes and try and calm the shudders that rip through my body. 

The stress of this situation is completely swallowing me whole. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t at all. And I can’t ask Ryan for help because he doesn’t know either, he’s never had to deal with this before and it isn’t even his problem to deal with. This whole thing was  _ my  _ fault, so I should be the one that has to deal with the repercussions, not him. 

Darkness surrounds me, the only light coming from the shutters in the corner of the room that cast an muted shine from the afternoon sun. Ryan is partially illuminated, black lines striped over his face and torso from the shadows and he looks so beautiful. He’s lost in sleep, on a completely different planet and I study his figure, his form in adoration. 

Static ripples through my dark hair, sticking to my damp hands and I take a shaky breath in, swearing at the empty air just to put something into it. 

“Fucking hell.” I spit breathlessly, laughing to myself almost deliriously. 

What have I done? 

Did I really think this was a good idea?

I scoff, burying my face in my hands and breathing heavy and erratic. 

Sheets rustle around in front of me and I feel thumping, looking up to see Ryan’s limp hand reaching around for something that’s not there. 

“Why are you crying?” His voice is small and scratchy, sounding like he’s still asleep and when I look closer I see that he actually is. His eyelids are pressed down, lashes fanning across his cheek delicately and the twitch of his expression disturbs the serene state. His lips are parted, halfway forming another murmured word and I bite my lip and sniff quietly. 

“Because I love you.” I whisper, only answering because he asked and there’ll be no repercussions from this conversation. 

“Brendon, stop crying,” he mumbles, the words gentle and nurturing. “Everythin’ is gonna be ok. I won’t let anythin’ happen to you.” He slurs, arm stretching to reach for my nonexistent frame and I watch him grasp for me. I start to cry again. 

He’s so innocent, so pure in the way he goes about his life and I’ve stumbled in right when he was trying to fix things. He was doing  _ good  _ for himself and I so selfishly interrupted that. I thought I could, I truly believed it would be that fantastic just to get a taste of him and now I’ve taken too much and am now realizing what a horrible mistake I’ve made. 

Greedy greedy greedy. 

Ryan doesn’t deserve this, the impending loss of trust in a friendship he’s had for most of his life and maybe even the loss of a companion he’s just grown to love. 

Or maybe I’m being to heavy handed with the label. 

The fact of the matter is; Ryan didn’t do anything to receive this kind of karma. He made mistakes in the past that weren’t even that bad in the scheme of things and now he’s building himself back up. He’s built himself back up. The world has treated him like shit and he was tired of letting himself be pushed down. He’s rising like the sun and I’m eclipsing him. A distraction, a passing fling that’s all this will be and the only way it can end is with bitter disappointment and livid love.

What infuriates me though, the one thing I cannot stand, is his kindness. His genuine care for everyone and everything around him angers me beyond comprehension. How can someone so deserving of spite be so virtuous ? How can he be so unknowingly saintlike? He owes the world nothing, the world owes him. He deserves someone to sweep him off his feet and take him somewhere where he’ll be happy, the last thing he sees being Vegas from the rear view mirror of a fast car. 

That’s what he deserves. 

Not me. 

And I don’t care if something happens to me, I just don’t want anything to happen to  _ him.  _

“Please stop crying, I can make it better.” Ryan murmurs urgently, almost panicked and I’d hate to imagine that he’s dreaming about some sort of terrifying scenario in which I stress him out more than I already have. 

“But only momentarily.” I retort, shoulders shaking and I choke back a sob. This cannot be happening, it literally can’t. I can’t keep doing this to myself, to him. 

This is something neither of us have power over until we really try. 

What I’ve been trying to prove to myself for the past twenty minutes, is that he’s good for me. I know it in my brain but I don’t feel it in my heart. Maybe I don’t want to feel that; like I deserve it. Because I know how much he deserves it and the fact that I want to take even  _ more  _ is something that I can’t help but feel guilty about. 

And I don’t think I have the strength at this point. The emotion is building up inside of me like a disease, taking over, leaving no room for anything except this overwhelmed adrenaline and too much love for Ryan. 

It’s just too much. 

“Brendon.” Ryan mumbles, his lips barely moving and eyelids twitching. He’s obviously dreaming, muttering nonsense as his dreams show him a much different world then the one we’re currently plagued to live in. 

We’re plagued to love here as well. 

“I’m so sorry Ryan.” I whisper, putting my face in my hands and crying quietly into them. My hands are hot and wet, sticky and moist and I feel so disgustingly  _ pathetic,  _ like even if I wiped off my face and smiled for the crowd they would still be able to smell the despair. 

“Please don’t go away.” A whisper comes from across of me and I blink three times in succession, looking up almost frantically and I try and wipe my face as Ryan starts to stir. What he just mumbled in his sleep is enough to make me break down once again but I try and pull myself together for his sake. He sniffs, long and dragged out before exhaling as he rolls over into his stomach and reaches for me. When Ryan realizes I’m not there, and the bed next to him is empty, he wakes up completely, sitting upright almost as if someone had pricked him and his eyes search the room panicked and cloudy. When they meet mine I look down, rubbing the fabric of his sheets between my fingers as a nervous habit. It’s so obvious I’m hiding from him, but it’s utterly useless since I’m right in front of him. He can read through all of my bullshit. 

So I don’t know why I’m just not straightforward with him. 

“W-what’s wrong what happened?” He asks, voice scratchy and tired. He visibly relaxes at the sight of me, but his expression is concerned. 

“Nothing. I was just going to the bathroom.” I lie with a soft smile, tentatively crawling back over to the headboard and laying next to him.

“Really?” He asks, posture tensing slightly and I nod, keeping my gaze locked on everything except for him. He can’t see my eyes, if he sees my eyes that’ll start another conversation which won’t do anything but stress both of us out. I nod, gesturing to the door to emphasize the fact that I  _ definitely  _ went to the bathroom and Ryan’s silent, waiting a few seconds before reaching out and grabbing my face. I flinch and turn away, trying to wrench myself away from him but his hold is firm and commanding. He turns my face to the side so our eyes are parallel, tilting my chin up to get a good look and I stubbornly keep my gaze fixed on the wall behind him. 

“ _ Really _ ?” He repeats, thumb grazing over my moist cheek and I nod, keeping so quiet that it almost hurts. 

“Yeah.” 

“You really shouldn’t try to lie to me,” he starts, finally letting go of my face because I keep trying to tug it away. “You aren’t very convincing.” 

“It’s my damn eyes.” I mumble bitterly, wiping them again and Ryan makes a small noise of acknowledgement in his throat. 

“You’re sensitive. That’s not something to be ashamed of.” 

“Yeah well I need to grow up.” I argue, laying back and sighing. Ryan turns onto his side and watches me, sighing as well and flopping back down.

“I don’t think you  _ need  _ to.” He says softly. 

“Yes I do.” I retort, closing my eyes and rolling them around under the lids to try and get them to stop stinging. 

“Are you gonna tell me why you were huddled on the other side of the room instead of with me?” He asks and I shrug, opening my eyes and turning over to face him. 

He’s got that stare, those whiskey eyes that I know I’ll never be able to say no to. He can read me easily enough anyways. 

“I had a fucking night terror, then started freaking out like a dumb baby and started crying.” I explain in a short jumble of words, trying to degrade myself as much as possible in one sentence. 

“Why didn’t you just wake me up?” He asks and I feel that the answer is self explanatory if he knew me well at all but I disregard this and opt for shrugging. 

“Because I didn’t want to bother you.” 

“Oh Bren,” He laughs good naturedly and kisses my forehead. “You can  _ be  _ reliant if you need to.” 

“But I don’t  _ want  _ to.” I try and explain. “You’re always the one taking care of  _ me  _ and I want to feel like I can take care of  _ you. _ ” 

“I’m sure your time will come.” He chuckles nervously. “You haven’t seen me have one of my famous panic attacks.” 

I give him a quizzical look and he laughs. “What? Ryan Ross, panic attacks?” 

“Mhmm.” He scoots down and puts his head on my chest, wrapping an arm around my torso and sighing happily. “My anxiety hits an all time high at certain moments and I get completely freaked out. It’s like, a bad trip...oh wait, you wouldn’t get that, even if I tried to explain it.” He stops himself, breathes out roughly, and tries to figure out a different way to help me understand. “It feels like the world is closing in on you. People start to get compact and too close. Walls cave in and noises get too loud. It’s terrifying, absolutely horrific. I black out, sometimes pass out and if it’s at like a party or something, I’ll just go down you know?” I nod, eyes wide and lips parted as he continues. 

“At first it just feels like you’re overwhelmed. But then you get really spaced out and almost tired? It’s really odd, an out of body experience and gets super intense until you just pass out.” 

“Oh.” Is all I can say, staring at him with something like fascination if I had to pinpoint it. 

“Yeah.” 

“So, when has if happened before?” I ask innocently, and he thinks for a moment, drawing patterns on my stomach. 

“A few times at home, when things have gotten really bad. At school maybe once or twice when I’ve woken up in the nurses room. At a party only once, and when I went with your family to the beach last summer.” 

“What?” I borderline laugh, causing Ryan to poke my stomach. 

“Don’t laugh at me, you guys are anxiety inducing.” 

“Try living with us.” I chuckle and Ryan snorts. 

“I practically already do.” 

“That’s true.” 

“But seriously,” He says, now laughing a bit himself. “It was terrifying. You were an asshole the entire time, ignoring me and giving me dirty looks every time you caught me staring at you and Kara kept asking me what it was like to be gay.” Ryan’s voice lifts, he’s insanely amused by this and I roll my eyes and hesitantly start to play with his hair. 

“Well what can you expect?” I sigh lightly. 

“Well I was expecting you to finally drop the “kill yourself, Ryan” attitude and actually talk to me for once,” he whines. “Kara was  _ so  _ determined to ask about my endeavors in anal sex so I locked myself in the hall bathroom and woke up on the floor with a nasty headache.” 

My eyes widen even more, and I stare at him in disbelief. “That’s why you were being such a buzzkill!” 

“Well I was kinda expecting some sympathy from you,” He sighs as if I’ve broken his heart. “But alas, you disappeared with your ginger friend and I didn’t see you for hours a day. It was exhausting thinking about you all the time and then only catching a brief glimpse of you when you’re half naked.” He laughs, sliding a hand further down my stomach just to feel. My eyes flutter at the touch, trying to keep myself composed. 

“Well the only thing you helped me out with was figuring out my intense sexual frustration for you.” I giggle and Ryan kisses my chest. 

“Nothing like hating someone’s guts and then figuring out you wanna fuck their brains out.” He says in a falsely sing song voice and I choke on a laugh. 

“Oh my  _ god _ .”

“But seriously,” Ryan redirects my attention. “You have no idea how hard it was to have you hate me. The harder I tried, the angrier you got and it was almost not even  _ fair  _ that you got to parade around in short little swim trunks while simultaneously flipping me off.” 

I grin at this, twirling his curls around my fingers with a pleased smile on my face. 

“Maybe you were trying  _ too  _ hard.” I laugh and Ryan scoffs. 

“ _ Too hard? _ You were making me  _ too hard _ .” He snaps frustratedly and I stifle another laugh. 

“Sorry I’ve got such a rockin body.” I let my fingers dance across his bare back. “Girly hips and all.” 

“ _ Wow,”  _ Ryan drags out the word with a big smile. “You’re really gonna bring that into this conversation?” He asks, almost appalled and I shrug. 

“Is it worth bringing up?” 

“Well you do have bangin hips.” He snickers. “And your ass-“ he takes a second to inhale dramatically. “Fucking  _ delicious.  _ God damn.” He growls, hand trailing lower until he’s playing with the band of my boxers. 

“Thanks.” I murmur, scratching the place between his shoulder blades and he purrs in satisfaction, kissing my chest in little pecks before he gently bites down. 

“You’re so gorgeous.” He hums, scooting up and kissing me sensually, it’s slow, just lips on lips until I open my mouth and he reciprocates, our tongues dancing together in unison. 

I cup his face, pulling him closer and he smiles, a purely happy smile and our teeth click together before he tilts my chin up and starts kissing down my jaw. 

“Please.” I mumble, dragging fingers through his hair and he smirks and reaches down, ever so gently cupping my hardening dick through the cloth of my boxers. I breathe shakily, craning my neck and tilting my face up to the ceiling “ _ fuck,  _ Ryan.” 

“What?” He asks casually, sliding down farther under the covers until he’s between my legs and I try to sit up and watch him but he holds me down. 

“Just stay like this, try and cool down.” He teases good naturedly and I continue to keen. 

“Okay, okay.” 

Yes, anything for this. Anything to have you. 

“We’ll try this again?” He asks softly and I nod, watching him hover by my crotch. 

“Yes please.” I exhale, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him up to kiss me again. 

“You’ve gotta tell me no when you don’t want it.” He says firmly and I nod because yes ok whatever it takes for you to finally go down on me. 

Skip to the goddamn good part. 

“I will.” I choke out and Ryan smiles, spreading my legs wider for him. I close my eyes and try to keep my breathing under control. 

Drums start in my stomach, thudding incessantly in my abdomen when Ryan kisses the space below my navel, making love bites over the hem of my boxers and I whine high in my throat. His teeth are gentle and slight nibbles begin to prick at my skin. I cry out, gripping his shoulders and he looks up at me with bright whiskey eyes. 

“Stay with me.” He chuckles, fingers creeping under my boxers and I immediately lift my hips so he can pull them off. 

“I will, I will- _ fuck  _ Ryan.” I groan, animalistic and wrecked the second that Ryan kisses the tip of my cock.

“Be calm. Now, what you’re about to experience may be mind  _ blowing. _ ” He snickers to himself, pulling away to lick up the shaft. I whimper in response and try and calm myself down because I’m acting like a contact deprived teenager and Ryan is cracking jokes throughout this. It’s supposed to be casual and loving, and I’m literally losing my mind. I try and remind myself that if I want this to happen more often I have to be more calm. 

“T-that feels good.” I tell him, closing my eyes and he makes a satisfied noise, wet heat surrounding my skin from all angles and I suck in a breath. 

After attempting to deep throat me for a few minutes Ryan tries to pull away and randomly on impulse I grip his hair and pull him back down. He resists immediately, looking up at me with an un-amused expression. “You might want to refrain from pulling on my hair while your dick is in my mouth.” He says in a low voice, clicking his teeth together in emphasis and I whimper, bucking my hips desperately and he drops the irritated demeanor almost immediately. His mouth falls back to my shaft, kissing the base and gently licking upwards before he gets back to the top and wraps his lips around the head. 

“God oh god.” I mumble repeatedly, throwing a hand over my eyes as Ryan jacks me off a few times, spitting on his hand as he does so and it feels  _ so  _ good. 

He wraps his lips around the head and sinks down, almost taking me to the hilt but he stops short, hollowing his cheeks and sucking lightly. 

My brain is on fire, everything is in panic I can’t think straight oh my  _ god  _ this feels incredible. 

“Your  _ mouth,  _ fuck!” I yelp as he takes me completely in his mouth and down his throat.

I feel like I’ve died because this is as close to heaven as I’m ever going to get, holy  _ fuck _ . I tug on his hair, trying not to be rough but his tongue grazes a nerve ending or some shit and on my dick  it feels so amazing that I can’t even explain it in English, causing me to yank his curls way too roughly. He makes a slightly pained noise and I feel teeth graze at the base, as if to say “I wasn’t kidding.” And I opt for gripping the sheets instead.

His tongue lazily traces the underside of my cock as he travels up and down, bobbing at a fucking  _ generous  _ speed and the only breathing I can manage is a weak pant. 

They say there are seven wonders of the world, and if there was supposedly an eighth it would probably be Ryan Ross’s mouth. 

My fingers grip the sheet beside me, twisting th fabric around in tight bundles whip the other hand is still over my face. The  _ noises  _ that are coming from Ryan, low moans and wet slurping prompt me to open my eyes and take a look. 

Bad idea. 

Ryan’s eyes are closed, looking relaxed and blissful; his eyelashes cast on his cheekbones gracefully as he deepthroats my dick like a fucking pornstar and I think I’m going to lose it any second now. 

“Oh my  _ god. _ ” I whimper, completely intoxicated by this and Ryan chuckles, making him pull back slightly and my hips snap up on their own, out of complete impulse and he gags quietly, hands roughly reaching out and holding me down. I swallow out of fear when he pulls off and wipes his mouth. 

“You’re cute and all,” he gives me a pointed look, saliva dripping from his chin and says: “-but if you do that again, I will make you  _ choke _ on mine _.” _

I moan.  _ Fuck,  _ I wouldn’t mind that. He gives me a knowing smirk, as if he has an inkling I’d love to be a fucking slut for him and surges forward to kiss me. I taste myself on his tongue, bitter and salty but not completely unpleasant. I almost get lost in the kiss, cupping both sides of his face while grinding my hips up into his stomach. He notices this, breaking the kiss with a string of saliva and returns to sucking me off passionately. He’s focused and determined, doing little tricks with his tongue and I resist the urge to stuff my hand in his hair again. I know I’d start pulling it and I don’t what him to not want to do  _ this  _ again so I leave my hands to myself and let him hold my waist down with strong arms. He spreads my legs further, restricting my movement completely from the waist down and for good measure too, because I can’t control my erratic jerks and convulsions. It’s too much, I’m oversensitive. I’m a virgin to most of this stuff and just the slightest touch from him makes me go wild. 

“Ryan I...I can’t- _ oh fuck _ ,” my eyes roll back when Ryan sucks on my balls, fingers wrapping around my shaft and stroking it in a fast rhythm. I open my eyes to see him stuff his extra hand down his boxers and I choke on air.

Fuck. 

Fucking shit oh my god. 

“You’re close?” He asks, his own voice sounding slightly hoarse and I respond with a wordless whimper. My toes are curling into the sheets and he smiles like he knows how good this is feeling for me, kissing the base of my dick and I cry out. 

“OhmyfuckinggodRyanImgoingtocum.” I blurt out, my hips snapping up again but he lets it slide, continuing to rub at my length with vigor. 

“Go ahead sweetheart.” He whispers, causing me to fling my head back into the pillow and moan. 

“Can I-can I come on your face?” I plead brokenly, looking down just in time to see his eyes widen, the movements of his hand faltering and he swears under his breath.

“Jesus  _ fuck  _ Brendon.” He murmurs, climbing on top of me, gripping my wrists above my head and kissing me hungrily. Its primal, completely animalistic as if what I just said woke something up deep in his gut.

I taste myself on his tongue, when he practically shoves it down my throat and I groan into the kiss. 

Ryan grinds his hips down, all the sudden our bare cocks are brushing together and I don’t remember when he got undressed. It’s slick against rough and I groan into his mouth as he starts rolling his hips against mine. 

“You’re perfect.” He moans, continuing to grind against me while kissing and sucking at my already bruised neck. 

“I love you.” I whisper, my lips right above his ear and Ryan groans, coming the second the words leave my lips and he lets his head drop to my shoulder. A rumble of shudders rip through his body like a wave to shore and his cock rubs against mine one more time before I’m spilling my load all over our stomachs, the thick white substance spurting out over his smooth skin and our mouths blindly find each other. 

“Was that good?” He asks, voice small and I nod, kissing the corner of his mouth and breathing heavily. 

“No, no not good it was  _ amazing. _ ” I groan, reaching for his shoulder to pull him down but he sits up and looks down at his chest. 

“Thanks.” 

“Sorry.” I mumble, shyly looking away from him. 

“It’s fine.” He chuckles, getting up and quickly jogging to his bathroom. 

Two minutes later Ryan comes back smelling like hand soap and cucumber deodorant. He’s got a towel in his hands and he wipes me down thoroughly, even though I’m not really that messy. 

“Thank you.” I murmur, voice husky and Ryan’s eyes flicker up and he shoots that gorgeous smile at me. 

“No problem.” He stands, letting a hand caress my face affectionately. 

“Ryan-“ I cut myself off, watching as he stops and gives me a focused look; wide eyes and lips pursed. 

“Yeah? What’s up?” His eyes are so intense, staring into me like they always do and I’m scared he’ll be able to see the things I don’t want him to. 

“I...thanks.” I say stupidly, giving him a weak smile and he cocks his head. 

“You’re...welcome?” He smiles goofily and his hair shakes with the movement. 

“I don’t know why I said that,” I laugh uncomfortably, sitting up and scratching the back of my head. “I just really appreciate you. You know, being here. With me.” I add, watching as Ryan continues to not really get it. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He says simply, and I nod with a smile because he  _ does  _ get it. I can’t believe I thought he wouldn’t. 

“Are you going to make me go back home?” I ask, standing up and rooting through his drawers for a t shirt. 

“I mean, you can stay as long as you need to but I can’t keep you away from home.” Ryan says, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. 

“I don’t wanna go home.” I mumble, leaning back on his shoulder when he puts his chin on mine. 

“Kara’s gonna come looking for you, you know that right?” He tells me. 

Yeah. 

I know she will. 

“Yeah,” I sigh, holding the hands that are positioned over my navel. “But I’d rather have you take me home willingly then her come and snatch me away.”  

“I agree.” He hums, tilting his head and kissing my neck. I stand with him and sway, watching our reflection with glassy eyes. 

We look so happy. 

So I don’t know why I’m so conflicted. 

“What time is it?” I ask, trying to look at the clock in the mirror. 

“Uh, around maybe 12?” He says, pulling back from my neck for a second to make eye contact and I close my eyes and smile. 

“We’ve got time.” 

“I’ll take you back in an hour and a half, that ok?” He asks, mouth over my ear and I hum in agreement when he bites under the lobe. 

“Y-yeah that’s good.” My voice stutters, and I turn back to kiss him affectionately before pulling away and putting on a shirt I found in his second drawer. 

Ryan and I putz around his house for the next hour almost mindlessly, watching tv and eating random things we find around the kitchen. I found a bag of chips under the sink and he seemed excited enough about so we were able to indulge ourselves for a moment. 

I notice that Ryan’s mood drops over the course of forty five minutes while we’re sitting on the couch. He let me choose a channel so we ended up with some random TLC bullshit to make fun of while we dread every minute passing. I play with my hands in my lap, casually looking up at the tv every few seconds. Ryan studiously watches, almost looking like he’s invested in the program. 

“What’s the matter?” I ask nonchalantly, trying not to make it seem like a big deal because I know how much he hates that. Ryan shakes his head and doesn’t answer, fiddling with the remote for a few moments before he turns to me and grabs my waist. 

“C’mere.” He says almost roughly, pulling me into his lap and I climb into his frame, sitting on his crotch while he wraps his arms around me and holds me there. Being close to his chest allows me to feel his heart under the skin and he puts his chin on top of my head. 

“I’m gonna miss you.” I say quietly, hunching into his torso and he moves me to the side to kiss me on the lips.

“I’m gonna miss you more.” He says, unsurprisingly, but it’s not a bad thing. No, on the contrary it’s a great thing he’ll miss me. 

I would feel weird if it’s obvious that I miss him and not obvious that he misses me. 

“Doubt it.” I hum with a smile, leaning into his frame and letting my posture relax. He keeps me close. Arms tightly holding me in place and his nose in my hair. 

“You wanna shower before I take you home?” He asks and I shake my head immediately. 

If it was a shower with him, sure, I can make an acception. But I’d rather not shower here and not smell like him anymore by the time I get home. 

“Why not? You really should.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask with a laugh and he shrugs. 

“You still smell like alcohol and week old pot. Not to mention the fact that you’ve came all over yourself.” Ryan says pointedly and I chuckle, rolling off of him and getting to my feet. 

“Fine. I’ll shower.” I say dramatically, ripping off my shirt and raising an eyebrow. 

“Go along.” Ryan laughs, turning up the tv and I fake pout, stomping away and disappearing into the bathroom. 

 

When I return to the living room with my bag over my shoulder, Ryan’s on the phone. His eyebrows are furrowed, biting his lip in an annoyed scowl. 

“Yeah yeah I’ve got it.” He murmurs, eyed trained on the carpet and I walk around the couch to the door and his head snaps up. 

“Yeah...ok.” He mumbles in a low voice, hanging up and staying still for a moment before standing and giving me a weak smile. 

“Who was that?” I ask, raising an eyebrow and he just shakes his head in response and opens the door, grabbing his keys from a shelf and following me outside. 

“No one important.” He tells me me, but I have an intuition that it was.

“Ok.” I say obediently, quietly, and get into the passenger seat after he unlocks the car. 

The drive is quiet, save for the radio which Ryan keeps at a high volume. 

“You go to school tomorrow alright?” He says randomly, pulling onto my street and I sigh. 

“Yeah I will. Mom will probably be pissed that I missed it today anyways.” 

“Speaking of which,” Ryan starts quietly, in almost a pained way. “Does she know about us?” 

I take a moment to think. “No.” 

The lie slips from my lips easier than I thought it would. 

“Ok thank god.” Ryan chuckles in relief and I look at him in shock. 

“Yeah, no...she doesn’t know.” I mumble dismissively, and Ryan seems satisfied with this but I don’t really know why. 

“I just would hate for her to find out.” He explains, obviously having noticed my confusion. “She’s basically my mom, you know? She’s been like that to me.” 

“Oh so I’m like your brother?” I ask, appalled and Ryan barks out a laugh. 

“Jesus no!” He laugh, reaching over and squeezing my thigh. “No.” 

“Kara’s a sister to me but you are  _ not  _ a brother.” He clarifies. “I’m allowed to draw that line.” 

“Ok sure.” I say in a teasing manner and he shakes his head with a smile. 

“You certainly are something.” 

“I’ve been told.” I reply cheekily, leaning on his shoulder and he pulls into my driveway.  

The house looks empty, as if no one has been living in it for years. The blinds are pulled shut, no cars in front of us in the driveway and it almost spooks me before I remember that school is just ending and my parents are still at work. 

“You have everything?” He asks and I nod, looking over. 

“I wish I didn’t have to leave.” I whisper and he catches it, tilting his head to the left with a sad smile. 

“I know, me too.”

“Let’s run away then.” I laugh, looking at the roof of the car and sighing. “Never come back.” 

Ryan goes silent, as if he thinks I’m serious. “Uh-“ 

“-I’m kidding, Ryan.” I chuckle, holding his hand that’s on my leg and he squeezes it. 

“I didn’t say I was opposed to the idea.” He smirks and I laugh.  

“Booking plane tickets to San Francisco now.” I joke, leaning over and kissing him tenderly. 

Over time our affections have increased, both of us being a lot more brave with our movements and saying, really just doing what we feel and saying what we think. It’s a beautiful thing, our openness and willing to be trusted and trust in return. 

Ryan surprises me this time, pulling back almost immediately and blushing. It’s something he doesn’t do, blush. Nor does he ever pull back from a kiss and if I’m being honest it breaks my heart a little bit. 

I open my mouth to say a pathetic goodbye when Ryan grabs the back of my neck and pulls me to him. It’s animalistic, completely driven by urge and I feel the desperate-ness of his kiss, the way that he holds me so incredibly close as if I’ll be ripped from his arms any minute. 

“Ry-“ I try and calm him down when he gasps for air but he cuts me off again. It’s not like I don’t  reciprocate, if Ryan wants to kiss me then he can go right ahead. It just startled me, the intensity of his passion in this quick moment. 

“Sorry.” He breathes, the word clear and cut like glass and I hang onto it. 

Sorry. 

It’s not about the kiss, I can gather that much. 

But we both saw it coming, right?

“It’s ok.” I mumble, opening the car door and sliding out, hiking my bag over my shoulder before I slam the door shut and jog up to my door. As I’m unlocking it I hear Ryan start the engine, but when I go inside and put my bag down I notice he doesn’t pull out until a long moment passes. 

And I really wish he had left faster then he did. The hesitation of his departure, the way that it twists my heart inside of my chest and makes me cringe in pure helplessness is enough to drive me to the brink of insanity.

I run upstairs and grab my guitar, furiously strumming it until my fingers hurt and my skin is callusing over. It stings, the tips of my digits when I stop so I keep going. Time passes and trees sway outside my window, dropping leaves like dead skin. Shedding their old and waiting to brace through the worst until they can begin to grow again. 

The door opens about thirty minutes later, keys jingling as they’re set on the kitchen counter and there’s the thumps of feet and a book-bag being slammed unto the ground. I close my eyes and continue to play, a wordless tune that doesn’t cease to sound like  _ Comfortably Numb  _ no matter how much I want it to be uplifting. 

There’s footsteps coming up the stairs when I am just about four seconds away from throwing my guitar against the wall so I bite my tongue and continue to play a continuous D chord in an attempt to make it sound a little less depressing. 

“Hey.” Kara’s voice carries from the hallway and I nod in her direction and stare back out the window with a blank expression.

“I would assume you’d be a little more cheerful after spending the night with your, you know…” She trails off, lingering in the doorway despite my stormy demeanor and I bite my lip and look at the floor.

“Sorry.” I mumble, going back to playing what I had originally composed and she leans on the door frame and cocks her hip. 

“Did something happen?” She asks innocently and I almost scoff in response. I bet she’d love it if Ryan and I suddenly had a falling out. She’d savor it, completely relish my little heartbreak and tell me in her bitchy voice that she told me so. 

“No.” 

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” She asks and I snap, whipping to face her and I scowl. 

“Why do I not want to talk to you? Oh gee, let me think for a second. Maybe it’s because you’ve turned a great relationship of mine into a minefield. Perhaps it’s because you’ve nudged yourself into a situation you aren’t supposed to be into, or probably because you’re just a total bitch.” I respond in a falsely sweet tone, the bitterness of my words making my tongue revolt. 

“Excuse me?” She barks, taking a step into my room and I put my guitar down, standing to face her. 

“Yeah, excuse you. Do you even realize what you’re doing?” I ask and she rolls her eyes. 

“I haven’t even done anything yet.” 

“Well I can’t wait for you to!” I shout, balling up my fists and she looks just slightly unnerved but I couldn’t care less. 

“Brendon I’m only looking out for you-“ 

“-You are  _ not  _ looking out for me. You’re being conceited and greedy and a completely asshole because you know I’m going to replace you!” My words come out in a harsh tone, hitting her harder than I expected. 

Apparently this is a weak spot for her. 

“Brendon how could you even say that!” She cries, looking honest to god hurt and I’m kinda glad she does. 

“Because you pretend to give a shit about me! The start of this year with driving me to school with you, giving me advice and shit, all of it had to just have been an act. Because you  _ obviously  _ don’t really care about me or see how happy I’ve been these past few months.” I say pointedly, giving her a what I hope is a condescending expression. 

“That wasn’t fake what drugs are you  _ on _ ?” She laughs like I’m driving her crazy but I would actually find that irony hilarious if it was true. 

“You’re saying you didn’t notice the genuine happiness, from both of us, during that time?” I ask and she rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. 

“Of course I noticed. It was hard not too. You two were so  _ taken  _ with each other I just thought it was a good friendship-“ 

“-Ryan is  _ gay  _ Kara! How had you not seen that he had a thing for me!” I shout, actually laughing at the last few words because I find her stupidity quite funny. 

“H-he used to but-“ 

“-newsflash Kara; people  _ don’t  _ change.” I spit right in her face and she bites her lip. 

“Then you’re going to hate who Ryan really is.” She mumbles. But no, she meant for me to hear it, she said it loud and clear and just the fucking tone of her voice makes me want to smack her in the face. Her way of making it seem like I have no idea who Ryan is, that he’s this elusive character I know nothing about. The fact that I’ve known him just as long as she has seems to slip her mind at times and it makes me feel like a fucking idiot. Like when someone says “when I was your age.” When in reality they’re only one or two years older than you. It’s an infuriating, demeaning thing to say to someone and she’s using the same tactics. 

“I can’t believe you don’t see how high handed you’ve become!” I shout, using my big boy words that I honestly doubt she even knows. 

“ _ I’m  _ high handed?” She asks, pissed off completely and yeah, maybe I used a hurtful word she actually knows the meaning of. 

Tragic. 

“Yes Kara! I just, I don’t even…” I lose my steam, breaking down completely, my entire body shutting down and I flop onto the side of my bed and quickly cover my face with my hands. 

Not everyone can see your tears. 

Shudders rip through my body like they do to Ryan when he climaxes, and the sudden thought of that overwhelms my senses completely and I don’t know whether to cry or jerk off. 

“Brendon…” Kara says softly, taking a step forward and I shake my head and wave her off. 

“Just leave me alone.” I whisper, my hands becoming cold and flimsy, doing nothing to bring me security or comfort.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you.” She mumbles and I can’t help the laugh that erupts from my throat. 

“I’m not fucking crying because of- just get out of my sight, Kara.” I hiss, wiping off my face unceremoniously and she falters, looking tentative and uncomfortable before finally stalking off into her own room. 

She’s oblivious, she has to be. 

There’s no other reason she’d be so cruel. She’s either scared or stupid and at this point I don’t really know which adjective to lean towards. 

All signs point to scared but even when someone is terrified there’s an inkling of sanity that you can hold onto, rationality perhaps would be the only thing that’ll save this little conundrum.

In short, Kara needs to get her head out of her ass and show some compassion. 

Or else things are going to get really bad really fast. 

And I’d hate to see that happen. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	20. Tuesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No I didn't die

Curtain opens at school Tuesday morning when Ryan seeks me out before my study hall second period. 

“Bren, hi.” He speaks softly, pulling me aside and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. I feel heat rush to my cheeks immediately, looking around expecting to find prying eyes but there’s relatively no one important around. Affection in public has proven to be quite rare with Ryan and if I’m being honest, him even coming this close to me is a worrying shock. 

Not that he’s ever been embarrassed of me, and I haven’t been embarrassed of him I mean shit, have you  _ seen  _ him? That’d be like Michelangelo hiding his David. 

“Hi.” I say breathlessly, looking him up and down and  _ god _ , he looks like shit. 

Comparing him to a statue now is difficult, I don’t think Michelangelo had included eye bags and hunched posture in his masterpieces.

It’s only been a day since I’ve seen him last and it scares me how fast he’s flipped from healthy and happy looking to tired and worn out. 

He’s so deceivingly happy; the way he smiles and kisses my cheek like it’s a typical Tuesday and we’re a typical, everyday couple. But the sunken look in his eyes; tired and worn, suggests we’re doing nothing but playing happily families. 

“How’re things?” He asks immediately, voice almost rushed and I cock my head and stare at him in confusion. 

“They’re…they’re fine I suppose.” I respond dryly, watching his eyes blink before he nods. They’re red, almost blotchy but I know better than to ask Ryan if he’s crying. He’s out of it, clearly rushed and discombobulated but about what I don’t know. 

I want to ask him why he’s crying. 

“Good, good.” 

“How are things with you?” I ask, and Ryan wrings his hands and swallows. 

“They’re... fine. Look, I need to talk to you about something important-“ He starts, sounding and looking very serious and meticulous but its like the devil himself is watching our exchange, and the bell rings. I stare at Ryan desperately before he looks over his shoulder and curses. 

Angrily. 

Not even under his breath, Ryan kicks the floor with scuffed up black Doc Martens and swears loudly, causing me to jump slightly at the intensity. 

“We can skip Ryan it’s ok-“ I say in a rushed way, trying extremely hard to get him to calm down but he doesn’t. 

“-I can’t skip, not this class, I- shit!” He spits, burying a hand in his hair and closing his eyes. I’ve never seen him do that before, I’ve never witnessed such a hopeless gesture come from him and I watch with big eyes as he puts a gentle hand on my shoulder and cups my cheek with another. More warmth spreads over my face and I blink at him in alarm. 

“Ryan you’re scaring me.” I whisper and his face turns solem, expression hardening and his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. 

“I  _ will  _ tell you. We just need time ok? I’ll find time for you.” He assures me, and I nod because ok, yes, I trust Ryan. 

I’d trust Ryan with anything. 

I’ve trusted him with my heart so long he doesn’t break it but by the look in his eyes and the urgency of his tone I can tell he is going to do it soon enough. 

 

It’s around 1:30 in the afternoon as I’m walking to the cafeteria with Patrick when Ryan rounds the corner. His eyes are trained at the crowd of kids filing through the hall and when he spots me in the jumble his eyes light up, a somewhat relieved expression gracing his face and I tell Patrick to save me a seat. 

“-Where are you going?” He asks immediately and I gesture to my bag with wide eyes. 

“Gonna put away one of my textbooks.” I lie through my teeth, trying to rush away but he follows at my heels, looking almost lost. 

“I’ll come with you.” He insists, and I catch Ryan’s eye again and shake my head. Ryan sounded  _ incessant  _ on talking to me and seeing him wringing his hands across the room is enough to make my stomach drop and my head pound. 

“-I’ll be fast. Go to our table and make sure no one takes my spot by the corner, ok?” I command him firmly, staring into his eyes and they flicker to the ground in defeat. 

“Alright, fine.” Patrick gives up, and he better damn give up because I’m about to yell at him in front of all these people for not giving me five minutes to my goddamn self. He spins on his heel and stalks off towards the cafeteria with his bag bobbing on his shoulder.

“See you in a sec!” I call, spinning around and running straight into Ryan. 

“Sorry!” I blurt out, looking up and making eye contact with him. He’s soft, and so warm, the material of his striped hoodie familiar and comforting. 

“It’s perfectly okay. Let’s go to the stairwell yeah?” He suggests and I nod, not arguing because maybe I just wanna do it right here and not be so secluded.

Get it over with I suppose. 

Ryan leads the way, me following at his heels obediently and by the time the two of us get to our destination the halls are empty and I’m flinching at the sound of the bell. 

“What did you need to tell me?” I ask, standing against the railing and carding fingers through my hair self consciously. Ryan fidgets where he stands, looking visibly uncomfortable and nervous which I can’t say I’ve ever seen him depict but it’s certainly interesting to watch. 

Worrying yes, immensely, but interesting to analyze. 

“I, I don’t really know where to start.” He says admittedly, looking at his feet while wringing his hands and I hesitantly reach out to hold one. 

“Just start from the beginning.” I say, tone soft and caring which makes Ryan’s face twitch. 

“I care about you, so much.” He breathes, looking up and when our eyes meet I almost take a step back. 

Ryan’s crying. 

Tears are slipping down his cheeks looking so out of place and I don’t know whether to run out of the stairwell as fast as my feet can carry me or brush them away with my thumb. 

“-I just don’t want you to hurt, that’s the last thing I want for you.” Ryan speaks slowly and cautiously, as if he’s afraid that his voice will crack. 

“Just tell me Ryan, what do you need to say?” I stare at him intently, knowing what he’s going to say but praying he wimps out and doesn’t. 

Please don’t say the words I think you’re about to say. 

Please. 

It’ll break my heart please don’t. 

“I, god I-“ Ryan cuts himself off and sniffs, a small, tender sound coming from such a delicate looking boy. It makes my heart melt and I hate that even while he’s crying and stuttering through his words I still find him so incredibly gorgeous. “We can’t see each other anymore.” 

And there it is. 

The sentence that immediately sends my heart up through my throat and my stomach into knots. A spark of tickles from the back of my nose prick at my eyes and it’s a familiar enough feeling to know what’s about to happen. I’m going to cry. And not weep quietly. I’m going to full on sob. 

That can’t happen, not at school, not on a Tuesday, and not with Ryan standing in front of me doing the same exact thing.  I can’t respond to him, my mouth keeping closed in fear of throwing up or bawling, maybe both and Ryan doesn’t move an inch. 

I don’t think he has the strength to. 

After a moment of struggling to stand on shaky feet  I’m able to compose myself enough to ask; “Why?” 

It’s a dumb question, I’m not stupid. I know how uneducated that sounds, how hopelessly unaware it may look. But I want to know the answer, even when I already have a pretty good idea of who told him to “break up” with me I want to hear him say it. 

“It just isn’t right. It feels, it feels  _ so  _ right but It just can’t happen. Kara told me it’s either you or her and I-“ 

“-what?” I cry out, blinking furiously to stop the tears that were just about to fall. It’s like I’m pretending to be shocked, I might as well be pretending because I knew this would happen from the start I was just so blinded by love that I didn’t want to stop and consider the consequences of our actions. Everything in my body halts, my heartbeat pausing for a moment and I really feel like throwing up now. 

“She told me I had to choose between you two. That...that you and I would eventually break up and that she’d be lost in our  _ bitter feud  _ or something like that.” He spits the last words angrily, shaking his head and biting his bottom lip. His teeth worry the skin between them, and I watch as they break through the skin and it turns a violent shade of red. 

I don’t know why I’m surprised. Really, I don’t. This was planned, Kara told me herself this was her plan and it worked despite how much I didn’t want to believe it. 

Ryan actually fell for her manipulation. 

“So, in short, you’re choosing her over me?” I ask weakly, my voice breaking and Ryan’s expression crumbles. 

“No, god no, never. I, I just- Why do you two have to make it a choice?” He asks rhetorically and I just blink at him.  

“ _I’m_ not the one making it a choice.” I spit back angrily. How dare he, how _dare_ he say that to me. As if _I’m_ the one to blame for this outcome. If anything it’s his fault for taking Kara’s bait like he’s dependent on her. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. Oh god what am I doing?” Ryan looks at the ceiling and the veins in his neck flex. 

After a bit I start to notice that he keeps referring to a god I know he doesn’t believe in, asking him for help and guidance. It’s almost endearing besides the fact that it’s pathetic and leads me to believe he’s in need of some help right now. He’s so lost in his own troubles that he’s willing to pray to some made up being in order to feel more in control, more hopeful, more guided. 

He’s heart wrenchingly desperate. 

“I don’t really know  _ what _ you’re doing.” I finish for him, staring at him sadly and he catches my gaze, looking away with a curse; as if it hurts to look at me. Like there’s this overwhelming pain in his heart that stings every time he looks at me. That it pains him so much that he has to avert is eyes.

It gives me a sick thrill to know I can hurt him this badly. 

“Brendon I can’t lose my best friend.” He states quietly, sniffing again and I swallow before dropping my eyes to the floor. 

“So you’ll lose me then?” I ask bitterly, a sarcastic smile trying to fight itself onto my face but I bite it back for Ryan’s sake.  

One of us needs to be the strong one here, and I think I got my wish when I said I wanted to be the one taking care of  _ him  _ for once. 

“I don’t want to.” He whispers and I furiously try and blink back a stream of tears that ultimately drip down my cheek bones. 

He’s seen me cry enough already; he doesn’t get the privilege to, not this time. 

He doesn’t get to see this, he shouldn’t be allowed to be here for this. 

Ryan reaches out to hold my hand “Bren-“ 

I yank it back and wipe my face. “-Don’t touch me.” 

I refrain from cursing, keep it civil. Keep it mature. 

God I want to cuss him out so badly right now. 

“I hate seeing you like this this just let me-“ He says, reaching out again and I take a step back, hitting the railing and breathing heavily. 

“- _ please  _ don’t touch me” I whisper, trying to calm the tell tale signs of an oncoming panic attack. I might as well be coaxing a tiger away from a bloody carcass. The predator will get what it wants, it’ll always devour what it needs to get stronger. 

And as I grow weak the terror grows stronger. 

“Why not?” He asks, clearly not reading my body language or demeanor at all. 

“Because if I feel your hands on me I’m going to freak out.” My voice is on edge, and I have to applaud myself for sounding so calm and cold.. I feel freaked out and fragile, completely and utterly delicate and I don’t like it. 

“Brendon…” He says softly, gently, “maybe we can work something out? We could-“ 

“-No Rya-“ In the middle of his name I choke on a sob, covering my mouth for a second and breathing in shakily, avoiding his heavy gaze and taking a moment to pull myself together. “...I’m done sneaking around.”

“But-“ 

“-No. You need to understand that I don’t want to walk on eggshells all the fucking time! I want you, to be with me, and not care who knows or doesn’t. I’m done with this childish shit so If you and Kara aren’t then I can’t do anything about it..” 

He goes silent for a moment, just standing there and wringing his hands that so desperately want to hold mine. I can tell, I want to hold them too. 

But I’m not going to give myself that satisfaction. It’ll only feel good for a few seconds. Like the drugs he took to make him feel complete. It only fills the hole for a few hours, and then you’re left just as empty as before. Just as alone as when you started and it ended up just being unproductive and wasteful. 

“You’re doing what you have to. I understand that.” I say, my tone laced with sour spite yet I continue. “And while that breaks my heart, if you need to do it, then I understand.” 

“You’re too young to be saying shit like that, you’re too fucking young Brendon.” Ryan cries, eyes wet with tears and I can see in this moment just how truly terrible he feels about this. Kara was right, to an extent. Ryan sure does know how to hurt me, he’s doing a fine job of it right now. I just don’t know how to cope with it. Yes I’m young, yes I’m inexperienced but I can still feel the same pain that another 17 year old can endure. 

“It’s okay Ryan please don’t beat yourself up about this-“ 

“-beat myself up? I want to stab myself in the chest Brendon.” He barks, gesturing to himself dramatically as if that’ll help explain in any way. “I  _ hate  _ myself for this. I don’t know what to do or who to go to it’s all turning to shit.” 

“Then follow your heart Ryan. Fuck Kara and fuck her stupid rules do what  _ you  _ want. What does  _ Ryan  _ need?” I exclaim, hugging myself for some sort of comfort and Ryan shakes his head sadly. 

“I need to figure this out.” He murmurs, rubbing his face with another stuffy sniff and I blink back another set of tears. 

“I’m so sorry, I don’t want it this way.” He whispers and I nod. 

Yeah. No shit. 

Neither of us want this just go already and make it easier for me. 

“It’ll be fine, I’ll be fine I always am.” I say with a forced smile, lips pulled together tightly to distract my eyes for a quick moment. 

“I’m falling for you.” He breathes, and I simply nod, looking at the strand of hair that falls in front of his eyes. 

“Yes, I know,” I whisper, like saying it quieter might not make it as true. If I use a tone with less emotion we won’t feel it as much, it won’t hurt this bad. But it still does, because even if I try to deny it, the truth is that I had already fallen for him long ago. 

But it seems like ignoring it makes the pain more unbearable, and suddenly I can’t breathe. 

“You’re breaking my heart.” He says, voice barely audible and I take a step back, away from the safety of his secure arms and I shake my head. 

“You too,” I mumble, blinking furiously and stumbling on my nervous feet, tripping slightly and balancing myself before I can fall. Ryan surges forward, hands outstretched like he’d be able to catch me but the direction in which I’d been slipping was backward, and no matter how much he might have  _ wanted  _ to catch me, I still would have fallen. 

It wouldn’t have mattered. 

I had to catch myself. 

So I wipe my eyes, hoping that the sleeve of my shirt will smear the red on my cheeks and nose like paint; remove this blotchy crestfallen expression from my face before someone sees it. 

“Brendon-“ 

“-No Ryan.” I sniff, standing up straight and looking at the floor. I laugh, a bitter sound and sigh. “Damn, well it had to happen sometime. If you love something, let it go...right?” I look up with a hard expression as he goes quiet.

It looks, for a second, like he wants to say something. His eyes are still alive and his lips part but they make no sound. All I can hear are the noises around me, in other rooms, but it feels muffled and far away. 

"It'll work out, I can work something out." He exclaims, looking manic and it takes me by surprise yet I make no indication of being shocked. 

"I won't hold my breath." I spit, the spite in my voice unlike myself and I don't know who this new person is but I don't think they'll cry. 

"C'mon, don't-" 

"I won't hold my breath." I repeat, colder this time and his eyes flash with something like anger before he bites his lip and storms away. 

I guess that was it, I guess that's the end of it all. 

 

And the curtain closes before I have a chance to exit stage right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in June lol plz save me


End file.
